Josh Knows Best Ch. 08

"I had fun, Josh," Maggie whispered as she got into Suze's car.

"I did too," I admitted. The truth of the statement brought my guilt roaring back to life. "See you tomorrow."

She nodded and closed the door.

I waited until she turned out of our neighborhood before I went back inside. Mom was coming out of the bathroom, crossing the hall to her bedroom.

I brushed my teeth quickly and climbed into bed behind her. When I put an arm around her she snuggled back against my chest.

"Did you two have sex?" she asked.

"What? No!"

"Josh, the living room reeked of sex. I'm not angry. I want you to find a nice girl. Just be careful."

"We did not have sex. We did kiss and make out. Maggie did...uh, masturbate. That's what you smelled."

"Josh, it's fine. Honest. But if you are sleeping with anyone else, we need to use condoms and I expect you to use condoms with them." She rolled to face me. "And if you're serious about them, this has to stop?" She rested a hand on my cheek. "Understand?"

I nodded. "Maggie and I didn't have sex."

"Honey, I almost wish you had. She's a lovely girl. I always hoped you'd ask her out."

"I don't want this to end. Us." I whispered.

"Honey, you know it will. It has to. You know that. I know that. It's okay. But we need to do it honestly and in a way that no one is hurt. Not me. Not you. Not Maggie or whoever." She kissed me quickly. "I need to get to sleep. Hang out with your friends tomorrow as long as you want. When you get home, I'll give you your graduation present."

"Mom..."

She cut me off with a finger over my lips. "Hush, go to sleep. Big day tomorrow."

I did sleep but woke with muddled memories of confused dreams. Mom was already gone. I had not heard her get out of bed or get dressed.

I tried to work up some enthusiasm for graduation but failed. Had I fucked up? How much could I love mom if I was letting Maggie cum by rubbing herself against my hardon?

So many years ago, and still I alternate between being horrified at my actions with Maggie and trying to rationalize them. Both my shame and rationalizations invariably give way to a much more painful emotion, fear.

Did I kill mom?

When I lied to reassure her, pretending I did not want what we had to last, did that lie cause her cancer? Did God, who I do not even believe in, throw my lie back in my face? Ensuring what we had would be all too impermanent? Was I being punished? Were we being punished?

It is not rational but I feel it is safe to say, no one has ever claimed there was anything rational about love.

I showered, shaved, forced myself to eat a bowl of cereal, dressed, grab the cheap black nylon gown and mortarboard and waited outside for Jeff to pick me up.

†

"Bro, you so owe me. You better have gotten laid last night?"

I did my best to glower at Jeff. He really could be tiresome at times. The only verbal reply I offered was a grunt.

"It took three of us to get Suze into my car. I thought her dad was going to murder me before I could explain I was only giving her a ride home because Maggie couldn't deal with her drunk ass. When I left her parents were arguing over whether they needed to take her to the hospital to get her stomach pump. Oh, and better still, Suze's dad said he was calling the cops on Roger. Fuckin' shit hit the fan, bro."

"Suze owes you dude, not me. She wasn't my date."

"Fuck that, Josh. You bailed so you could try to get into Maggie's pants." He turned to me. "How was she? She's not as hot as Suze but still better you deserve, ya bitch."

"We watched Bird Box and had a beer apiece. When mom got home, Maggie left. I did not get in her pants, as you so elegantly put it."

No, the nagging voice in my head added. But you wanted to.

"Bro, are you gay? You know you can tell me, right? I'm cool if you are."

"No, Jeff. I am not gay. I just don't think of women solely in terms of fucking them."

"Oh, really?" Jeff mocked in a sing-song voice. "Aren't you the sensitive, non-patriarchal, woke, motherfucker." He shook his head. "I think you're gay. Gay and deeply repressed but I still love ya." He threw me a sidelong glance. "In a totally hetero way. Don't get any ideas."

Thank God, Jeff's last name was Nelson. Once we were lined up, I was spared any further interrogation. On the other hand, not having Jeff peppering me with questions, asides, and innuendos freed my mind up to obsess over mom, Maggie and my life in general.

As expected, the auditorium was too hot. Our lack of any famous alumni saved us from anything more than the valedictorian's speech. No one remember a word of what she said by the time she sat back down.

Since my last name started with a B, I crossed the stage fairly early. Even so, I was in a heat-induced fog when I received my diploma. I waved at mom as I returned to my seat. She had taken a seat with the rest of the sweaty crowd. By the time Mack Zimmer crossed the stage and returned to his seat I was soaked and feeling lightheaded.

Jeff, of course, came bounding over as soon as the ceremony ended. His hair was damp and beneath the unzippered robe he was as sweaty as I was. I unzipped my robe and used it to fan myself. Jeff's parents joined us, followed by mom and Nana.

"Hi, Ms. B," Jeff said giving her a hug. He stepped back and put his hands on top of her shoulders. "Now that I've graduated and you are no longer in a position of authority vis-a-vi moi, would you marry me? Josh, feeble-minded as he may be, will be out of your hair soon."

I punched him on the arm. His mom smacked him in the back of the head. His dad just stared at him, perplexed as to how this being could have any connection with his loins.

Mom chuckled.

"Sweetie, ask me when you're making more money than me and I'll think about it."

"I don't know Janice. He looks like a strapping young man," Nana offered, shocking us all.

"You wound me, Ms. B. So crass, so materialistic. You should listen to your mother."

"Oh, for pity sakes, put a sock in it, Jeff," his mom snapped. She stepped between mom and I and hooked one arm in ours. "Come on, we have reservations for five at Red Lobster. My folks didn't feel up to the trip and canceled at the last minute, so we got two open seats. They can fit a third in. Join us."

"Oh, that's so sweet of you, but I have to get mom back home," my mother told her.

"Janice, I haven't been out to eat in forever. Let me treat you and Josh." Nana interjected.

"Well, that settles it. Meet you there." With that Jeff's mom released our arms, grabbed her husband's and son's, and set off at a respectable clip toward the exit.

"Wow," mom chuckled. "Poor George, stuck between Karen and Jeff. He may look like his dad but he's all Karen personality-wise."

I caught her eye behind Nana's back, hoping they conveyed my concern and anxiety.

Mom smiled and patted my cheek.

†

Lunch was interminable. Not even the interplay of Jeff and his mom could distract me. When it was over, mom rose and congratulated Jeff again. She told me to enjoy my afternoon and she would see me at home later.

As was traditional, most of the newly graduated seniors met up at the city park. The cops kept a close eye out for booze or dope, so it was a more sedate crowd. Groups of three and four formed, then broke apart and reformed again, sea foam atop the waves.

Maggie found me. I had seen Suze at graduation but had not had a chance to talk to her. She had disappeared after the ceremony ended. Maggie informed me her parents planned to keep her grounded until she left for school. They had even threatened to pull their help with her tuition if she could not prove to them she was not simply going to waste her time at college getting falling down drunk.

I think she was hoping I would ask her out. I was considering it but could not make up my mind before she gave a half wave and wandered away.

I played a few games of volleyball, then a few of half touch, half kill football. Being bang around proved to be the most successful way to quit worrying about what was happening to mom and me, Maggie and me, or just me.

The crowd began to thin out as supper time neared. I think we were all surprised at the sense of melancholy, of ending, that came over us as we began to drift away. It felt more than a little like Frodo saying goodbye to his friends before boarding a ship at the Gray Havens.

I remember thinking, I did not need that grief on top of the anxiety that was keeping my heart pounding and my gut queasy.

Jeff dropped me at my house. I walked into the kitchen half worried mom would not be there. Worried she had stayed with Nana. Stay away from me.

I could hear the TV in the living room. I crossed the kitchen and stepped through the archway. Mom sat on the sofa. The TV was broadcasting a golf game, which immediately told me she was not actually watching TV; she detested golf.

She was naked except for her smile.

"Good thing I didn't invite Jeff in," I managed to choke out.

"It would have made his day."

"Year," I corrected. "Decade." I stared for a moment longer. "Are we okay?"

"Yes, baby. I told you we were. You worry too much. This whole thing is crazy and probably wrong. I want you to find someone you enjoy being with, be that Maggie, or someone you meet at the university. But in the meantime, we've come this far. We might as well enjoy what we can, while we can."

With that she rose and held out her hand to me.

Hand and hand we walked back to the bedroom.

†

The top sheet and light summer blanket had been neatly folded at the foot of the bed. Mom had draped a silk scarf over the bedside lamp, turning the harsh white light into a soft red-purple glow. Atop a towel at the top of the mattress rested the dildo, lube and several condoms.

I turned to mom and she smiled.

"Go take a shower, baby. Take your time. Bring back a pan of soapy water and a washcloth when you're finished." With that she kissed me lightly and turned me toward the door.

I showered in a daze. My cock was already raging as I toweled off and ran a basin of water as she had requested.

Mom was lying on her side, head propped up on her arm. She was gorgeous. She had her hair tied back in a ponytail. Her breasts, full and natural, draped over her chest. Her nipples hardened as I walked into the room. I placed the basin on the floor beside the bed and knelt beside her.

I leaned forward as she rolled onto her back. She cupped my face and pulled me into a long, slow kiss. Of all the amazing moments we were to share, that kiss stands out in my memory. It was intimate, more intimate in a way than what would come after it.

That kiss connected us. Breath to breath. Tongue to tongue. We became as close to one as two people, separated by skin by physical bodies, were capable of becoming.

I am convinced part of that kiss has remained, physically, with me to this day. Besides sharing half her genes, I am certain a molecule of water from her tongue, perhaps an atom of oxygen from her breath, has found a home somewhere in my body. It has never been transformed, never been exhaled.

It's there. Inside me. Even now as I remember and write. I know it.

Through some alchemy of grace and desire, mom moved beneath me without breaking our kiss. I straddled her waist, cock leaking onto the soft pale skin of her belly as our mouths worshipped each other.

Time faded into irrelevance as we kissed. At some point, I found myself worshipping her breasts. There was no tugging or biting that night. Tenderness and love supplied more than enough intensity.

My mouth found her pussy. I drank from the well of her being. She orgasmed with my lips tugging at her clit and her hands pulling at my hair. As I waited for her body and mind to calm, I kissed the insides of her thighs.

I sat back on my heels and massaged her legs and feet. As she relaxed, I swear her body became lighter. It was as if she floated above the bed. I watched her breathe. I could see her left breast shiver slightly with every heartbeat. Eyes closed; she was the picture of contentment.

Lowering her leg, I put a hand beneath each of her knees and rolled her up into to a ball. I moved my hands, cupping her butt. I used my thumbs to open her. I did not hesitate. I leaned forward and planted my mouth over her bottom.

I worshipped her ass with my mouth as I had her breasts. She did not resist when I stiffened my tongue and pushed beyond her sphincter.

She moaned and the sound set my heart on fire.

Later, far from sated but ready to move on, I picked up the dildo and lubed it by putting it in her pussy. I returned to tonguing her ass as I fucked her with her purple toy. She began to shudder. Perhaps she had another orgasm. I don't know.

I sat back and rubbed the dildo over her ass. There was less resistance this time when I inserted it. Mom sighed. I began to work the dildo in and out of her bottom. I put my thumb in her pussy and rock my hand, fucking her with my thumb and rubbing her clit with the side of my index finger.

When she began to buck, I stopped. I let her relax back onto the bed. I removed the dildo from her butt. I did not see anything dirty on it but I leaned over the side of the bed and let it slide into the basin of soapy water. It was no longer needed.

"Use a condom, baby," mom whispered. "Easier to clean up."

"I don't think we need it but if you'll feel better about this I will." She nodded. I reached passed her and picked up one of foil squares and looked at it.

"Have you ever used a condom?" she asked.

I shook my head, a little embarrassed at the admission.

"Come up here." I climbed over her leg and knelt by her side. I watched as she ripped open the foil packet. She showed me how to collapse the tip of the condom as she pressed it against the head of my cock and unrolled it.

"We should have trimmed your pubes, Josh. When you take this off, it's going to pull the hair a bit."

"It's okay," I replied as I leaned over to kiss her.

We kissed for a very long time before she pulled away.

"Do you want me on my knees?" she asked.

That is how I had always envisioned this unfolding but now I was not sure.

"Can we do it with you on your back? I want to see your face. I want to kiss you."

"Of course, we can, baby. Kneel between my legs." I did as she asked. "Slip your arms beneath my legs. You can rest some of your weight on my legs."

Now, she laid beneath me, knees on her chest, pussy and ass exposed. Mom twisted and reached behind her. When she turned back she held the lube.

"Give me your hand."

I held out my hand and she squirted a large dollop of lube onto my fingers.

"Lube up your cock and my ass, Josh."

I coated my condom-clad cock with lube and then ran my slick fingers over her puckered bottom.

"Inside as well, baby."

Two fingers slipped easily into her ass. I moved my fingers around, stretching her, readying her.

"One sec, baby," she whispered when I removed my fingers from her bottom. Once again, she twisted and stretched. I heard water dripping. When she rolled onto her back, she held the washcloth out to me. I wiped the lube, and nothing else I could see, off my fingers. Leaning over her, I dropped the washcloth back in the basin.

Settling between her legs I looked at her, flushed and breathing a little hard, and felt like crying.

"You sure you're okay with this, mom?"

She smiled and nodded. "I'm more than okay, baby. I'm looking forward to it. Go slow at first."

"Of course. Tell me if I'm hurting you. We don't have to do this."

"I know and that makes all the difference."

With that she pulled her legs back a bit more, offering herself to me, trusting me.

I pressed the head of my cock against her bottom. She did not tense at the contact. The smile never left her face. She nodded.

I pressed a little harder. A brief moment of resistance and then the head of my cock slipped inside her.

And with that, my world shifted once more.

I understand that statement will sound like hyperbole to most but in truth, it is not. My partner was allowing me to do something that required a higher level of trust. To be given that trust was overwhelming. She was giving me a gift but I was giving her something as well.

I was giving her back control over her body. Control my sperm donor had attempted to wrest from her. I was giving her the right to enjoy her body in whatever way she saw fit. The right to be a full partner.

I do not mean to sound as if I was, or am, some sort of super lover. It was definitely a two-way street. I was in awe of the trust she had placed in me. It was that, not an innate special quality I possessed, that resulted in my treating her with such care.

Over the years I have had casual lovers, not many but some. I would like to imagine I was as careful with them but I'm sure I was not. I do not believe I was ever cruel or a total dick but sex in the context of love is as different from casual sex as your hand is from a pussy.

I froze. I remember that clearly. The sensation of mom's ass around my cock was utterly different than that of her pussy. It was a revelation to me. Not to be crude but I had stupidly imagined a hole would be hole. How childish.

A mouth was a hole but I was already aware of how amazingly different a blowjob was from fucking a pussy. Why I was so taken aback to find being in her butt was so amazingly different than being in her pussy is beyond me.

As lost as I was in amazement, I did manage to pay attention to what I was feeling. One difference was obvious. Her sphincter squeezed my cock tighter than her pussy and in very circumscribed way. Beyond its tightness the sphincter, her butt was not as tight as her pussy.

All true but there is no doubt a great deal of the difference between anal and regular intercourse lies in the aura of mystery and naughtiness surrounding anal sex.

"You can go deeper, baby."

Mom's whisper brought me back to the moment. I slowly pushed my cock into her ass. The grip her ass had on my cock thrilled me to my core.

With the front of my legs pressed against the back of hers, I rode over her, using my weight to push deeper into her.

"Josh, that's unbelievable," she gasped. "I had no idea."

I leaned over, pushing even deeper into her ass, and kissed her.

"You're amazing. Fucking amazing," I whispered against her cheek.

She reached up and patted mine. "So, are you baby. So are you."

Her smile morphed into a look one might imagine on the face of a succubus. Her eyes glittered. "How 'bout you fuck me now with that amazing cock, baby."

Eyes locked with hers, I swiveled my hips back until I left the crown of my cock snag against the hard, tight ring of her ass. I paused and then in one swift motion drove back into her.

My thrust forced the air from her chest. Her heels went around my waist and dug into the small of my back. I leaned far over her. My cock was nearly vertical as it entered her body.

Her eyes never left mine. My gaze darted from her face to her pussy, where he fingers rubbed and slapped at her clit.

The novelty, the intensity, made it impossible for either of us to last for very long.

She began to buck beneath me. I put more and more of my weight on her, on my cock, fucking her with long, slow, deep strokes.

Her ass clenched around me. Her face contorted. She slapped at her clit as liquid flowed from her pussy. Her ass was so far up in the air, her wetness flowed over her lower belly.

She began to gasp and buck again. The sounds she made sent me rocketing over the edge of the abyss.

With a roar, I pushed deep and felt my cock pulsing, filling the condom.

I knew two things at that moment. The first, this was not a one and done. I had not illusion this would be our standard position for making love but I knew we would do it again. Second, no more condoms. There was something so primal about filling her body, be it ass, mouth, or pussy, with my seed that was too powerful to resist.