tagGay MaleJosh's Journal Ch. 03

Josh's Journal Ch. 03


This morning we had a short training session and then camp was over. I feel like I got a lot out of it, but I guess I won't know until our first game in a few weeks. I really hope that we can get a few wins. I'm tired of being a laughingstock.

Chelsea wouldn't leave me alone the whole bus ride back. She really bores me. We have nothing to talk about at all.

When we finally got back home I noticed Ayden was walking. I offered him a ride home but he said no. I wish he would have let me because I know where he lives is a long walk from the school.

Last night, he and I talked a little more after I was done talking to my mom. He'd forgotten to clean his piercing before he went to bed, so I watched him do that. I told him he was pretty tough to put up with that because it looked like it hurt. He smiled at that. I do want to be his friend, especially since it seems like everyone is awful to him, even his mom. I'll just have to get over the awkwardness of seeing him in the tub the other night.

I found out he wants to be a social worker and I think that's pretty cool. I told him that I want to be a school counselor and he seemed surprised at that. I don't usually tell people that's what I want to be. I usually lie and say I want to be a coach. If people knew what I really want to be, I know they'd make fun of me for it and sometimes I just don't want to deal with that.

Chelsea wants me to take her on a date tomorrow night. I really don't feel like spending my money. I need new cleats and one of the coaches at camp suggested some really good ones. They're expensive though and I'd have to go to Houston to get them.


I ended up taking Chelsea to a movie today. She's not fun to talk to at all. She's just too much about appearances, like she thinks everyone is always watching her and she has to put on a show. I wish she'd stop acting like she's some sort of reality TV star and have a real conversation with me. And I'm tired of her overly dramatic Southern drawl. It's obvious she's faking it.

I want to break up with her, but I'll wait until school starts next week. She might break up with me first, though. She got mad at me because I wasn't playing along, I guess not acting like a proper boyfriend. I don't really care.


I bought my cleats today in Houston, and I'm ready to try them out. I was kinda surprised that I saw Ayden in the mall there. He was in Hot Topic by himself so I decided to go in and say hi to him. He was surprised to see me there. I got a lot of strange looks, actually. I guess I don't look anything like their usual clientele.

After his initial surprised reaction, he was pretty friendly but I could tell he was uncomfortable with me being there and he kept looking around me. He just seemed flustered.

Well, I figured out he was like that because he was expecting his mom. She came in and he seemed like he really wished he could just disappear.

His mom is a really big woman. Like really huge. She got even more stares that I did in that store. She rides on this red motor scooter thing and I don't think her legs even work. They were all wrapped in bandages and what I could see looked like dead, lumpy fat. Her hair is really thin and greasy and she has this mean looking bulldog face.

When I saw her, I was kind of irrationally angry. Its not that I have anything against the morbidly obese, I just can't see how she's so big and Ayden is so thin. He seemed almost scared of her. That made me not like her at all. Well, that and she ran her scooter into me and barked at me, "Move!"

Ayden's face was beet red as she started pulling on his arm and telling him it was time to take her home. He left the case of jewelry and awkwardly waved goodbye to me as he followed her out of the store.

I feel really bad for him. It sucks that he has to put up with his mom, but all the bullying too. It had to be a lonely life.

I moved in front of the jewelry case and saw he'd been looking at a display of industrial barbells. I kind of wanted to buy him one, but then I decided not to. I mean, I could see different sizes on them and I didn't know which one would fit him. Plus they were more expensive than I could afford right then.

I'm pretty much over my issues with having seen Ayden doing what he was doing. I mean every guy does it. And after a glimpse at all the shit he puts up with, I can't blame him for wanting to blow off a little steam. Ha, blow off. I crack myself up.


We lost our scrimmage game today. Well, scrimmages don't have scores, but I was keeping count and we lost. It pisses me off. Half the time I feel like I'm the only one that even tries on this team. I kind of lost my cool for a little while, but I didn't let it show. I just kept trying. Some of the guys made fun of me for trying so hard because it wasn't a real game, but I just tried to channel all the frustration into playing better.

Oh well, at least my new cleats really made a difference.


It's my last free weekend before school starts. I feel kind of weird about this year. I'm so ready to graduate, but then again I'm not. It's not like I'll miss high school. Well, not too much. Mostly I'm just afraid that I won't be able to make it in college. I'm worried that I'm not smart enough or something. I don't even know where I want to go. There's a hell of a lot I don't understand about the process. I'm just afraid one wrong decision could fuck everything up.

I took Chelsea out on a date again. I tried to convince her to see another movie, but she didn't want the same date twice in a row. I took her bowling. I love bowling, but she ruined it for me. She kept acting like she was so bad at it and she was giggling and making a scene so everyone would watch us. Her fakeness is nauseating sometimes.

She sucked my cock again. I don't know why I can't enjoy that. I mean, at least then she's quiet. But she even does that like she's performing. She wanted to have sex, but I pretended not to have any condoms, even though I know my mom always sneaks one into my wallet. She said it was OK, that she's on the pill but I don't believe her. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm just a pawn in her scheme to have her own episode of 16 and Pregnant.

I had to tell her that I didn't want to risk getting her pregnant because I care about her. That seemed to disappoint her. So I'm pretty sure she was trying to get on a reality show.


I have all my crap ready for tomorrow, but I can't sleep again. I guess I'm more nervous than I thought.


Today was alright. I have a total slacker schedule and spent pretty much all my time wandering around. It's one of the perks of a small school that I can just walk where ever I want to.

I got to see my childhood best friend, Kitty. We grew up across the street from each other right up until my dad left. After that, my mom had to move us to a cheaper place. Kitty is crazy, but I love her. She's the drum major of the band this year. Unlike most schools, here it's actually kind of cool to be in the band because it's the only organization to ever have competed at the state level.

Kitty spent the first half of her summer building orphanages in Mexico, but about three weeks ago she came back to donate marrow to a kid with cancer. She's a genuinely good person and pretty much the only one I can share most of my feelings with.

So after a boring first day back, I went to her house. I didn't tell her about walking in on Ayden, but I did talk about how we shared a room and how I feel bad for him.

"I think it's nice of you to want to be his friend," Kitty said. "His family gets help from the food pantry all the time."

"I bet his mom takes food from him," I said. I'd been thinking this ever since I saw her in the mall. I would be pissed if that was the case, especially knowing that Ayden gets teased because people accuse him of having an eating disorder. That would be hell, to be made fun of like that and the real reason be that he was being starved.

Kitty just shrugged at that. She doesn't like to talk bad about people "So, heard you got yourself a cheerleader girlfriend," she said.

I groaned and admitted that I wasn't really that into Chelsea. Kitty lectured me about how rude it was to lead Chelsea on, even though I kept trying to tell her that Chelsea didn't care about me. Kitty is just too inclined to believe the good in people.


I can't get back to sleep. Not after that dream...I just can't believe it.

I woke up kind of confused and with a raging boner. Like it was throbbing.

And then I remembered what I'd been dreaming about. It was Ayden?...


Today after school, Chelsea took me to her place. Her parents were gone so we started fooling around. She looked really hot today. This time, I didn't lie about having a condom when she wanted to have sex. It was pretty fun, even if she was trying to act like a porn star the whole time.

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