Julia, Ben and Lisa Ch. 17

Ch. 17: Thursday

A few quick notes:

1. this is the seventeenth chapter of a longish story, a novel in many chapters

2. everyone is 18+

3. there is no safe sex here - cause it's a fantasy, not an instruction manual

4. crossdressing and gender bending, not everyone's cuppa tea - be forewarned

*

We got up and wandered around in boxers (me) and pjs (her) and in a daze. We had no plan, wanted no plan. We were post Mr.-Anderson, post Donnie-and-Dolores. I was pre-Angela. Around 10am I suggested golf again. Julia just smiled and wandered away. At noon we cleaned out the fridge and put out the trash. All those wasted meals her Mom had made for us. I finally got to do some of that summer reading and was able to write about half of the Hemingway essay. My butt hurt. Julia watched junk daytime TV and played with Bobo in the yard. She was on the phone with Sammie for about 20 minutes, but there really was no new news.

I stopped writing around 3 p.m. when I got a text from Angela. "Dude. I am getting super crusty out here. Last shower was Tues AM. Dad leading us on 10 mile hike today. Yikes! Pray for me. Love you Ben!!!!!!"

I texted back and got no response, which I'd figured.

I took a break with Julia for some iced-tea in the yard. We were quiet.

Julia said, "I've been thinking a lot about Mr. Sanders, about him and his wife."

"Sadie," I said.

"Yeah. About how they were, about how they loved each other."

"Yeah."

"And every time I think of them, I'm like how did they do it? How does it happen? How did they find each other? Every time I saw them together, made me wonder. How he was taking care of her, how she loved taking care of him. How they could laugh and be gentle together. How they could have a little spat and end up laughing and hugging. How affectionate they were. Didn't matter who else was around. She was everything to him. And same in reverse."

"Yeah. They were lucky."

"Is it luck? Maybe. I don't know."

"Yeah. Maybe. I don't know either."

"I'm like what about me? What about us? Do we ever get that? How's it happen?"

Julia sat there, she looked sad, she was sad, close to crying. Made me want to cry too. But I guessed she was coming to the wrong guy for answers about love. Maybe.

I could have made a joke about she and I being in love already, or about us moving out of state to get married somewhere no one knew us. I could have told her that her parents really loved each other too. Or that my parents did. That there must be hope for us all. But I didn't feel like it.

"Yeah. Dunno."

"Cause like, I'm realizing too. I don't want to be Donnie and Dolores, just chasing goddamned stupid sex my whole life. Like a good fuck is gonna cure me. Stupid, huh? You don't want to be them either. Gotta be more to it than that."

"I think..." But she was on a roll.

"I mean maybe they do love each other. Who knows? But I don't want it like that, not if they have to fly down to the Caribbean to suck cock together. It's not he's bi. It's not she's bi or she's a slut. You know I don't mean that. It's like, go there for sex? You can't have sex where we live? You can't go there for the culture or the people or the beaches or the food? It has to be sex? Ya know?"

"Yeah. I know." It's kind of what I'd been thinking too. Julia was just saying it first.

I felt like we were agreeing on something big, that this was the end of our crazy sex games. Like we'd gone too far. Like now we knew it. Like this was over, should be over.

There were no answers, so we didn't pretend there were. We sat. Held hands. Julia cried a little and I think I might have too.

Finally I sniffled and squeezed Julia's hand. "But we have each other. We're not going to be him and Sadie, but we have each other. More than some people get."

It was her turn. "Yeah. We do. I know. I love you so much Ben."

We hugged some more and cried a little more. After we cried it out, we both got up and wandered around aimlessly again. Finally, I went up for a nap and crashed for the rest of the afternoon.

When I came down at 6 Julia still seemed withdrawn and quiet. But more nervous and put off about something. She had a little edge. I steered clear as I could. We watched Local and Up to Date Ch.10 Eye-Witless News silently ("Indiana man shoots off big toe giving kids a gun-safety demonstration,") then went to FOX for some national news ("Republican House leaders urge massive tax cut in the face of elm tree beetle infestation,") and finally to CNN for some world news ("Republican Senate Leader: Bomb Iran now before it interferes with Christmas shopping season.") Once we were all caught up we foraged in the kitchen, too out of it to make anything or even reheat one of Aunt Beth's pre-cooks. We settled on crackers, cheese, peanut butter and ginger ale for dinner.

Finally Julia spoke, that little edge in her voice. "Something I gotta tell you. Might weird you out a little."

Oh fuck. Not another thing. "Anderson? He..."

"No. Not the creep. Thank Jesus."

"What then?"

She hesitated then, rolled her eyes and even her entire head in a pretty funny way. She was doing goofy-girl, does it well. It woke me up and I grinned.

"Go on."

"Josh. OK? He called. While you were sleeping."

"Fuck me," a poor choice of words, it...

"Dolores already did that." Julia quick-glared at me.

My head snapped. What happened to goofy-girl? As I was saying, before being interrupted, it still stung back there, so "fuck me" might not have been the best phrase to use. Still.

"Hey!" I objected, meaning: don't do this Julia!

"What?" The glare continued. What had I done?

"Don't do this. What you are doing. The Dolores thing."

"I just pointed out..." That was Julia trying to sound reasonable.

"Are you trying to hurt me? To pick a fight?"

I think it snapped her out of it, whatever the it was that she was experiencing. Oh yeah. Josh. Her head dropped to her chest and she started crying.

"I know, I know. I'm such a jerk." She reached across for my hand. "Sorry. I'm sorry, Ben. I just don't know who I am right now, don't know anything. I think it's all getting to me."

"I know honey. It's a lot. It's been awful for you. But it's over now. It really is."

I went over and hugged her in her chair, kissed her cheek gently and told her it would be OK, told her brighter days were ahead of us now. We let it sit there for a bit and had more of the crackers, a little peanut butter on mine.

She waited a decent amount of time, then said, "But he did call."

"And?"

"And he wants to get together. Tomorrow. Tomorrow night. Back in Franklinville. For dinner he said, like the one he owed."

"Yeah right. Dinner." I just could not help the sarcasm. This better not be heading where it sounded like it was heading.

"I know. I know what you're thinking. But he seemed sincere. Really. He has to come down to do that meeting those guys missed before. Said it would be his last time here. Said we could just have the dinner, no sex, like no sex if that's what I wanted. He was being really nice."

Now she was some weird combination of sad-girl, goofy-girl, harsh-girl and begging-girl. But she wasn't begging me, she was begging herself to believe that this wasn't all about getting laid. More specifically about him getting laid, about Josh getting to use her one more time.

"Yeah, right," I said sarcastically. I believe that guys who want to fuck a girl generally are really nice, prior to the fucking that is. "But why his last time?" And why would a smart girl like Julia fall for that obvious a setup move?

"He's been transferred. London. Says he's moving in three weeks."

"And you believe him?"

Now Julia wanted to fight back. "Why not? I know you don't like him..."

"It's not that." Well it probably was that, at least in part. Why couldn't she see how full of himself Josh was? That he was a user?

We went quiet for a minute, not daring to touch any of this.

"I do get it, Ben. I do. Right after I got all sappy this morning about Mr. Sanders and true love and not living just for stupid sex. I'm sorry but right after Donnie and Dolores. I get it. But Christ! I'm still so horny." She stopped and sniffled a few times then went on. "Can you believe it? I'm still super horny."

"But..." I wanted to reason with her.

"And you know what? It makes me scared. Like one minute I'm so happy I can get horny again. And the next it pisses me off royally. Cause of the prick, cause of that asshole. Not just, you know, about how I've been like a nun for the last year. That's over and done with. More like now I need to invent a whole new sex life, something of my own again, something he can never peek at or jerk off to, something good, but maybe not like it was."

"Yes, but..."

"Thing is? I'm not sure I know how. How to have sex and love sex. How to have men in my life and love men and love having sex with men. But I have to try, don't I? Didn't you try yesterday? And with Angela?"

I had no answer for that. It weirded me out to hear her say it, kind of like I'd been weirded out with the gang the day before. I didn't know what to say, just that I needed to support Julia, whatever she wanted. "So you're going?"

"I think. Maybe. I'm not sure. Plus, there's something else." I knew there would be.

"About me?"

"Yeah. Don't be mad." I could see it coming. "Harry wanted your number. He's coming for the meeting too."

I started to interrupt but she didn't let me. Julia said, "Don't worry. I'm not a moron. I didn't give it to him, to Josh I mean. But I took Harry's number from him, told him I wasn't sure you'd be around, that maybe you were away."

"You want me to call Harry?" I couldn't believe my ears. "How could I ever...?"

"You don't have to. Of course you don't. I just thought. Well, it seemed like you liked him so much. I mean even besides the sex. Didn't you?"

"That's not the point and you know it. What am I supposed to do? Make another date with him? We both know I can't do it again."

"But if it's just dinner..." Begging herself to believe in this.

"Which it won't be."

"OK. OK. Then you don't have to call."

"And you're going anyway?"

Julia made an I'm-not-sure face and spread her fingers in bewilderment. She got up, took the plates and walked away. Julia went into the yard with Bo and left me to stew in the juices we'd created together.

Of course I'd heard her. Of course I loved her and my heart bled for her. Of course I wanted to support her. But goddamn it! Why did I have to deal with this now? On top of being about ¾ in love with Angela, on top of fearing Angela would hate me if she knew. On top of we'd just got over the nightmare with the prick Mr. Anderson. On top of my disappointment and shame over the sex party. My feelings about having been fucked, actually fucked. Of wanting, even needing a cunt. Of having just a mouth. On top of I still wanted to wear cute outfits, and have the cutest panties and bras underneath, still would get on my knees for any handsome man, still fantasize about him having a muscular chest and strong arms, having strong hands to hold my head in place while he finished in my mouth.

Fuck! Even when I get pissed at Julia it somehow morphs into a jerk-off fantasy of me giving a blowjob.

But this Josh and Harry thing. It was on top of a lot. Why now? Why did I have to deal with this?

I got up and anger-walked around the living room, kicking furniture . Goddamed Julia, just wanting to get off herself with that jerk Josh and I'm supposed to get back with Harry so she can feel good about it? So Harry can kick my ass while she's getting herself laid? Goddamn it! I kicked the ottoman a few times for emphasis but it didn't seem to change anything. I guess it was good though to let out the anger.

I peeked out the window. Bo was having the time of his life chasing things. A handsome and lovable dog if ever there was one. Made me wonder what Harry's dog was like. I got an image of Harry playing like Julia and Bo were. It was nice, very calming. My heart had stopped racing.

So then I started to think more about Harry. Funny thing was at first I was sort of thinking more about fake-Harry that I'd seen golfing, about how good looking he was, and how manly. That strong ass of his when he teed off! Looked hard as steel.

Then of course about the real Harry. About his ass too, and the view I'd had of it when he turned back after watching me swallow. But more about his jokes and his being nice. About how in charge he could be. Our waitress that day knew. She sure fell right into line. What girl wouldn't? About the very first view of his perfect dick from my knees, about the weight of his balls in my hand, about the feel of his bloated balls on my chin. But mostly just about him.

Julia was right. I really did like him. Even without the sex I knew he was a really great guy, a cool guy and nice guy. A lovely guy. That he was a good person, that he was funny and could be gentle, that he'd been nice to me. And handsome to boot, thank you very much. And manly. And a great lover. God! I remembered thinking about all the girls who must have sucked his cock before me and how I sort of owed them something. How I'd wished I'd had that cunt for him.

I had so much to regret too. Not about the sex. I still felt super bad about how I'd fooled him. I mean I'm sure he appreciated the blowjob, at least I hoped he did. Guys tend to appreciate getting their dicks sucked, and good, bad or indifferent I knew I'd done my best to please him. But a blowjob under false pretenses? Was that fair? Me fooling him like that? Me lying to get my own way, to get my lips on him and to measure progress with pretty red lipstick traces? Me, if you get right down to it, being a jerk and using him?

And I thought Josh was a jerk for using Julia for sex. What an A-hole I could be!

Suddenly it hit me. I had to call Harry. To confess, to man up. Of course we wouldn't be visiting tomorrow, but I could at least leave him on honest terms. So he'd know. Even if it made him hate me. I would deserve it. Even if it screwed up Julia's plan to get with Josh. Too bad.

Julia had left the number on a pad right on the coffee table. I checked that she was still busy with Bo. She was. Frisbee in the yard. I took the number and went upstairs to my room. This needed privacy. And it needed to be done quickly before I could pass out, pussy out or fall to a fainting couch with the vapours.

Harry answered on the second ring.

"Harry Reynolds." I realized I'd not known his last name before. Was a nice one too. English sounding. Lord of the manor. Those hunting crops (giggle.) Calm the f down! Try to focus for once in your life!

"Um...um... it's Lisa. I..."

"Oh, wow. Lisa! Hello! Cool. Give me a sec." The line went quiet. I heard movement and then the sound of a door closing.

"Hey, Lisa. How are you, girl?"

"Oh, great. I...I just wanted...." I realized I was still in Mona-voice. Which was good. No sense in freaking him out right at the start. I was calling to somehow make amends, not to make him feel even worse than he would feel.

"You talked to Julia? I mean about us getting together? Dinner at least...or...I mean just dinner or whatever."

"Oh, yeah. But...but I don't think I can." Let's get that out of the way right off.

"Oh, damn." We both paused. I was vibrating with anxiety. It was now or never. But he got there first.

"A shame. Really. I Iike you, you know? You're a sweet kid. Just wanted to see you again, owed you dinner at least."

I had nothing to say, still trying to get some words together. My head felt enormously empty, everything inside was gone. It had been a mistake to do this so fast. I'd been afraid of being a pussy. Stupid! I like...I should have prepared a script or something. A way to put this. Now I'm here and sucking wind like a bitch.

"Julia told Josh she thought you were away somewhere. So I figured..."

"Ummm. Well not exactly. It's a little more complicated than..."

Harry said, "It's OK. I understand." We took another pause, "Can I ask you something? It's a little awkward."

"Yes. Of course." I felt then that he knew. That he was going to say the words for me.

"Is it...is it like your age? Are you really even 18?"

I was surprised and amused. This is what he found awkward? I was going to win the awkward contest hands-down.

I giggled out a girlish reply, "Oh, yeah. Totally. I mean almost 19." Only a slight exaggeration. OK, more than slight. I was a little more than 18 and two months. So I said, "Totally. I mean I could show you my driver's license."

He laughed at this. "Well, only if we get together." So I giggled too. But sweated as much. My license would certainly have sealed the deal. He went on, "But I figured you wouldn't. After last time, which was great, really great, I mean I hope it was for you too...that you sort of enjoyed...you know? But I had like two questions in my brain. One was this girl really old enough? Cause you seemed pretty young. Made me feel guilty, nervous. I should have checked. Like...well...but if you're 19, then..."

"What was the second one?" I just had to ask. Was I hoping for one more compliment before dropping the bomb? Like maybe he was going to ask me where I'd learned to suck cock, and mean it as a compliment? Maybe.

"Well, a girl like you, so cute. So, please don't be offended, so sexy. So cute, and why doesn't she have a boyfriend already? I know you said you didn't but I was like I bet there is someone and I never see Lisa again. Is that it? Are you seeing someone? Someone where it's serious? I'd understand."

I giggled again. Stopped. Realized that maybe this could help. Too nervous to think straight. So I said, "Yeah. Kind of."

"Just kind of?" He chuckled.

"Well, it's hard to say for sure. We just....you know...just hooked up...but I think...you know...maybe it is. I mean I hope it is." Angela with the turban, Angela in my arms in the pool crying, Angela with her hair spread over my pillow. It felt good to tell Harry something true. Maybe I could leave the whole thing at me being in a serious relationship? Could pussy my way out of admitting I wasn't pussy?

"Someone your own age. Someone great I hope. Cause you deserve it, you really do."

He said it so nicely, cause he was so nice. Just for a second there it got me to breathe, to relax. Which I shouldn't have.

"I...well, thanks....I do hope...cause she really is great." I just blurted it out. I was picturing my last kiss with Angela at her doorstep.

There was another big pause. What had I done? Harry said, "She? You mean she? You're seeing a girl?"

Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck! Which way to go now? Answer: the truth. Now it really was time. "I...yes. I am. I'm seeing a girl. Cause..."

Harry interrupted me. I guess it's not just girls who know how to do that.

"A girl. Hoooo-leeeee. Wow. Didn't see that one coming." He paused for a funny giggle of his own, then went on. "So, what? If you don't mind my asking. You go, you know, kind of both ways? Sorry, but...you know...girls and boys?"

Harry sounded like it was cute of me, or like it made him optimistic, like he was fine with this, this both girls and boys thing. Like maybe it excited him a little? I heard it in his voice. Fuckin' guys.

"I do. But not what you think. I mean..." Here goes, gripping the pillow case, "...I mean, like yeah, I'm bisexual." There, first step is done. They say it's the hardest. But the rest of it? I let out air and went on, "I mean, I think I am...kind of at least..." Pussy. "... but not with her...not when I'm with her, with Angela."

Again Harry seemed mostly amused by this. "Hmmmm. OK. Not to push, but what's that mean? I mean either you are or you aren't, right?" There was dead air for just a second or two. "You're saying she doesn't know?"