Julia, Ben and Lisa Ch. 17

"No. Well, she doesn't but that's not it. I meant..." OK. Fuck it. It's time. "I meant I'm bi but with you, not with her. Cause..." Here goes. "Cause I'm a guy." And held my breath. Sucked it in hard and held it.

Another good sized pause. Followed by a burst of laughter, a popped balloon of laughter, from Harry.

I let him laugh for a few seconds, then rushed in. Now that I was there I had to finish it. I was looking out the window, Julia still playing with Bobo, her still thinking I wouldn't have the guts to call Harry. And here it was. I rushed in.

"It's for real, Harry. I'm a guy. I just...you know...just...dressed like a girl that day...just...you know....we were goofing around...just...I never thought..."

"You're shitting me. C'mon Lisa, stop being dumb. It's not a great joke and if you don't want to see me..." He let the rest trail off.

I didn't say anything. He waited. I knew he needed a few seconds. I knew the silence was having its effect. Then I said, "It's true."

This got the reaction. "What the fuck Lisa?" He was finally catching on and it was eruption time. "What the fuck! Are you serious? What?...I mean you're a girl. How could...WHAT THE FUCK?" His voice had a strangled harsh bite.

"I'm so sorry Harry." I said it in my own voice. Made it more official I guess.

"What the...? Lisa! Listen cunt." A pause, I was shocked. He went on, "You better tell me right now. Right now. This is one big joke, right? Like you and Julia. I saw her tits, her pussy. You...."

I gulped in air. I was sweating like a pig. I had to finish. "Yes, you saw hers. I'm so sorry...But it's...I'm not Lisa. I'm Ben." Now the silence lasted five, maybe 10 seconds. I realized I had a manic grip on the phone, like I was trying to crush it.

I heard, "Well then fuck you if this is true. Fuck you anyway for saying it. Fuckin' liar! Could of given me a better fuckin' story than that. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! Fuckin' faggot!" over the line and then it went dead.

I sat hard on the edge of the bed, sweating and chilled at the same time. The phone was dead in my hand. I stared at it like Harry might jump out of the speaker and strangle me. I eased the grip on the phone. My entire body was shaking. I couldn't move, couldn't think. Seemed like hours but was probably two minutes, and two minutes in that state might as well be two hours. Believe me.

But thank God it was over. I'd done it. Small consolation, but I'd done it. It had all gone sideways or backwards, had been all f'd up. Me mentioning Angela, me wanting him to figure it out without me having to say it. Me being a pussy to the end. But still it was done. He hated me now, probably wanted to kill me now, but I'd finally been honest. Like I said, small consolation. I started sobbing. It was all over and I'd been left with nothing of him.

Julia knocked at the door. She peeked in and read my face, saw the tears. She rushed over to me, sat and hugged me.

"You called him?"

I nodded. Julia threw both arms around me and hugged tight. "That's OK baby. It's OK. For the best. It's OK." Rocking me there on the bed as I cried. Sat with me for ten or 15 minutes like that, me feeling like I might have to bolt and puke at any moment, her rocking and saying, "It's OK. It's over now. For the best."

My phone vibrated. I had to look down, surprised to find it still in my hands. And, Jesus! It was him. Harry. The number.

Julia read it on my face again and said quick, "You don't have to. Let it go."

But I'd already hit the answer button. Had to. If he needed more time to scream at me then I'd give it to him. "Give me a second," I said into the phone, then covered the mouthpiece.

"You want me here? Or go?" Julia whispered.

"Here." So she stayed and held my hand.

I gulped breath and looked into Julia's eyes. Go quick I thought. Go now. "Hello," I said. Ben's voice.

"Hello. Is it Lisa here? Or what was the...?"

"Ben."

He took a pause and I heard an intake of breath. "Ah. Yeah. Ben. Right. Ha-ha!" He gave a harsh rasping laugh that almost hurt my eardrum.

I started counting the seconds, a little bit wanting him to get what he needed. More wanting it to be over.

Harry went on, "Listen. I...I just...you know you really shocked me there, like blew me away." The word "blew" must have resonated with him. He gave another harsh nervous laugh and went on, "... I mean, kinda shocked I guess. I...well...I kind of had...you know...some suspicion...I really did. You with your period and I couldn't even touch your tits...I kind of wondered about that..."

"I know. I know you did." I lied for him.

"But I...I still need to apologize. You fooled me kind of and I just got pissed. Kind of not nice, you know. But I need to apologize for what..you know...what I said. I would never call anyone that....I mean those things... Really. And it's...it's just not me...just I was so surprised, shocked really."

"I know that Harry. You're too nice. I'm the one who's sorry. I'll never be able to tell you how sorry."

"I just shouldn't have. Should have handled it better."

"Thank you, Harry. I appreciate..."

"Well OK then. Yeah. OK."

He was Harry to the end. So nice. Even if it was over. And maybe I'd been about half in love with him too? But it was over. I had to ask one more thing.

"So, ah...I...well...can I ask one favor?"

He laughed. "Sure. Go ahead." His voice sounded just like it should sound now.

"I mean. If you wouldn't tell Josh. I'd appreciate it. I...I think Julia is going to see him."

Julia was beside me shaking her head, "No. No."

Harry said, "No worries about that one. You know you had him fooled too." Totally giving up the line about how he'd been suspicious.

"Thank you. Thank you so much, and again..."

"No. No more apologies. Cause.." He paused. "Cause I have a favor to ask too. Sounds stupid I know. But...Can I...I'd like...you know...to see you one more time...to...just to see how it...you know what I mean?"

"To meet me?" I was vibrating again, Julia beside me still shaking her head, "No. No."

"Well. Lisa. I mean. Not you. Meet Lisa again. Come to dinner. I know it's..."

"Oh my God, no. I couldn't. Not now." And I admit that an image of Harry beating the crap out of me arose in my mind. Plus there was another problem. One I could say out loud. "No way could I sit through a dinner with Josh and Julia and you, you knowing. No way."

"Then just come see me, to the bar, anyplace, wherever you want. Just talk, believe me. We'll skip dinner. Come see me. I have to...you know...see it. See how, you know? We'll see Josh just like two seconds in the lobby then we'll be by ourselves. We'll just talk. I promise."

"I just don't think..."

"Don't you think you owe me this? This one thing? I'm sitting here in my office and I think my head is gonna explode. You have no idea what this is for a guy like me. None. I just have to understand...what it really was. I just have to see you, talk to you. Like how it...you know...happened. Cause I never thought I would..." He let it trail off. "Please!"

"As Lisa?"

"Yes. As Lisa. Please." And I could hear the pleading in his voice. Suddenly I knew he was sincere, that he was Harry again. That he meant it. That he wasn't going to beat me up or scream at me nonstop, that he wanted me to be honest at last, but honest face to face.

I had to do it. For him. Because he was right. I owed it to him.

Julia never let go of my hand the whole time. Harry and I talked another two minutes. Julia knew and rolled her eyes plenty, shook her head back and forth "No!" plenty. By the end I had a date to meet him in the hotel lobby at 7 p.m. the next night. I'd be with Julia. I needed privacy. We'd find a quiet place to sit after greeting Josh. Just us two. Julia and Josh could go wherever they wanted. Harry and I would be alone and I would still be Lisa. We'd talk, I'd apologize again, try to make him understand, try to get his forgiveness and then, one way or the other, I'd leave. It would be the last time Harry and I would see one another. We'd depart honestly, probably not as friends, but honestly. I hung up and collapsed backwards on the bed.

Julia looked down at me with wonder in her eyes. She massaged my tummy, kissed my cheek, lay down beside me, held me and kissed me some more. There were no more tears.

Finally she said, "You're serious? You're really going to go?"

I nodded. She gave me one more eye roll together with a big sigh, but snuggled in beside me too.

"I can't talk you out of this? Cause..."

"No, I really don't think so."

"You trust him?"

"He's nice. I do. Harry is..." But I didn't know how to express it, so I let it go.

"Hmmmm" was all she said in response. Then, "I'm sorry about earlier, about being a bitch to you."

"I know. It's OK now. You're coming too, right?"

Julia nodded. She kissed me again. We were quiet then, holding hands, staring at the ceiling, our butts half off the bed. I willed my head to be empty again, and it was. I could just concentrate on breathing. Finally, she kissed me one last time, sat up and said, "But you know..."

"Oh God." Here comes the lecture.

"You know what I think?" She had that thoughtful look. This might be awful.

"Julia! Please! This is hard enough for me without..."

She went on, "You know what I think? I think the blue pleated skirt with the cream top and the matching cream panties and bra." She smiled. "That's what I think."

It took me a second. What? Then my anxiety popped and I giggled. "Oh-my-God you scared me to death." I thought about her idea. "You sure?"

She got me laughing then. Which got her laughing and we hugged some more. She was right about the outfit. The blue skirt came just above the knee, the pleats made it so pretty, so feminine, without being too sexy or slutty, just nice and girly. My legs looked great in it. Hugged my butt nice too without putting on a display for the world. The soft cream blouse accentuated my bust just right. An outfit that would show him why, but wouldn't freak him out. Just right.

I asked her then, "You're sure about being with Josh?"

"I am. The man definitely owes me that dinner. More than that I'm not promising either you or him."

I went out, had to stand and move or go crazy. Had to play fetch with Bobo, get nice and sweaty. Burn more anxiety off. I took a swim in the pool, wondering why I'd ignored it on all those super hot days a few back. Was nice. I did as many laps as I could to exhaust myself, Julia watching silently from the deck with a glass of wine. After 30 or so laps I got out, breathing hard, empty headed again. I had one glass of wine with her, showered and was in bed by 9 o'clock.