Just a Walk in the Park

I've been inspired lately. Lots of stories and ideas filling my head. This one I especially like. It's just a quick little coming of age story that found me the other day. I hope you enjoy your 'Walk in the Park.'

As always, please leave me a comment when you're done.

***

It was a birthday of sorts. Kelli, with an 'I' had been with me for as long as I could remember. A dream, a wish, a fantasy, really. Someone I wanted to know, a friend I needed in my life, but that was always just out of reach. I asked my mom once if I could play with her and she patted me on the head, "Little boys don't do that, no go find your brothers. I need to get dinner ready."

It was only when I went off to college that she manifested, ever so slowly, become real. Sequestered in the back of my closet and in a small suitcase under my bed, only coming out on special occasions to play for an always too brief moment. Just a dalliance, nothing more.

Yet she was always there, waiting patiently for her chance. I had appeased her slowly over time, keeping her happy and myself sane with small tokens, gestures, small acts of belief that one day she would be free. Laser hair removal, electrolysis, long hair, bubble baths, and fragrant lotions, things like that. I worked diligently to keep her body fit. A true gym rat, I was specific about what I did. Some of my friends didn't understand why I worked so hard on my legs, core and butt, squats, crunches, that kind of thing, but rarely any significant work on my upper body. I worked to keep my arms and shoulders toned, but nothing more.

"Damn that ass, Aston. You trying to look like a girl?" they would joke. I would blush and lash out with the expected misogynistic, testosterone fueled response; something Like 'fuck you, asshole.' Deep inside, Kelli would smile. I bought her breast forms; she didn't like the massive double Ds I gave her first, so we settled on nice Cs. When I glued them on, I could see her smiling back at me.

Makeup, manicures and pedicures, the polish only lasting a day or two, always coming off before I had to go to class or to work. It was our secret time, and always too brief.

Today, though, today was her day. I had accepted a job halfway across the country and she had gone with me, her two small suitcases no burden at all as I packed the car.

Today was the day Kelli was finally leaving the confines of my closet, going out to meet the world. The preparation was as meticulous as it was fun, exciting. Adrenaline coursing through my body as I watched her come to life. Breast forms glued in place, a touch of foundation strategically placed and blended to make them look so real. Faux diamond studs sparkled in my freshly pierced ears, meticulously applied eyeshadow brought out the emerald green of my eyes, my toes and fingers a bright red, matching the lipstick I was working into my lips as I pursed them, giving the mirror a kiss and a smile.

My red hair hung to my shoulders. I ran my fingers through it and admired her in the mirror. No, that's not right. This was her day. As she admired herself in the mirror, as I admired myself in the mirror. I was her. She was me. We were one. Finally.

What to wear? What to wear? Just the right matching panties and bra, pastel pink, so appropriate for spring, don't you think? And with just the right amount of lace.

The goal today, her, our, my birthday, of sorts, was a simple trip to the park. Go feed the ducks, maybe get some ice cream, people watch, that kind of thing. Find out if Kelli was going to be accepted outside the safe walls of my apartment. I needed to know. She deserved to know.

Shorts, not too short but very cute and a loose-fitting top, sleeveless, that didn't quite cover my tummy. If I reached high, you could see the bangle dangling from my belly button that matched the studs in my ears. It had been a risk, but the girl at the salon had told me it was 'oh, so worth it.' She was right. I adored it.

White tennies with frilly ankle socks. Kelli was a girly-girl after all.

A simple necklace and a few bracelets on my wrists, a ring, no two. Perfect.

I was ready to go. I double and triple checked my purse for no reason other than procrastination.

It was time. I was ready. Kelli couldn't wait.

Bouncing down the stairs and out the door, I stopped to admire the beautiful spring day. Scared, nervous, exhilarated, not sure how to act, I took a few deep breaths. It was magic. The smell of flowers and freshly cut grass filled my head. I could see the landscapers hard at work across the street. I'd have to remember to visit the gardens when I got to the park.

A dog barked. Someone was baking bread.

The street was full of activity, cars and people bustling by.

I heard the giggles of a small group of girls as they played on the sidewalk. None of this was new, but I was new, and it felt different. I was different.

"Good morning. Beautiful day, isn't it?" A man I had seen once or twice before smiled as he moved past me into the building. I smiled and nodded. Catching a glimpse as he looked back over his shoulder at the cute girl standing on the stoop of our building, grinning broadly. That cute girl was me. I blushed as my confidence surged.

"Can I help you, miss?" The lady from 1B smiled at me as she carried a small bag of groceries up the steps.

"No, thank you, just admiring the day. I'm going to the park." My smile radiated my eagerness. I was giddy with excitement.

"I don't think I've seen you before." She gave me a curious look. "I'm Maggie. Do you live in the building?"

"I'm Kelli. It's nice to meet you. I just moved in a few days ago, 2B. Let me know if I make too much noise." I answered without even thinking about it.

"2B, I thought, oh my..." Her smile turned into an almost impish grin. "It is a lovely day. Enjoy the park, dear." She winked at me.

By the time it occurred to me Maggie had watched me move in, I was skipping across the crosswalk to the park. I had outed myself. Oops. Or maybe I had just introduced myself.

That's what today was about, after all.

Two dollars for a cup of duck food. It was more fun watching the two toddlers I gave it to feed the ducks than it would have been doing it m myself. Their mom's name was Alice. We talked and laughed at her twins as they laughed and giggled at the ducks that were fighting for the treats they gave them. I think I made a friend.

There was a man with a border collie, and a frisbee who had attracted a nice sized crowd. I joined in the fun of watching the dog track down the disk and catch it - every time.

Rick, that was his name, seemed to look at me and smile a lot. Brewster let me scratch behind his ears and rub his tummy while Rick asked for my number. Maybe he'd call. I hoped so. Maybe he wouldn't. The important thing was he had asked for my number, and I had felt confident enough to give it to him. Would he understand? I might never find out, but for now, He believed Kelli was real and so did I.

I had to ride the Carousel. Obviously, the pink unicorn was my only choice.

A man was selling kites. "Pretty kite for a pretty girl?" He smiled at me invitingly. He called me pretty. What else could I do, so I bought one and tried to fly it. When a greedy tree monster ate my kite, I realized I was hungry, too. There were kiosks scattered about, selling hotdogs, falafel, and such, and a small boardwalk full of cute little shops and restaurants.

I had wanted to people watch, so I chose a cut little place with outdoor seating and ordered a salad and a glass of wine. My waiter seemed to pay more attention to me than his other tables, and I flirted a little. It was fun. Then I noticed he was doing the same with another table of girls on the other side of his section. Oh, well. He was still cute.

People on bikes, children with their parents, old couples so familiar with each other that a smile and a gentle nudge spoke volumes, young couples still trying to figure things out. I saw them all. It was a beautiful spring afternoon in the park and not a single person had done anything but smile and be nice to Kelli.

So validating, so wonderful. I had hidden her away for so long, let my fear keep her in the shadows, but fear of what? Now I knew. That fear was a ghost, a phantom, a specter of my creation urged on by the constant dismissal from my mom. She had tried hard to do the right thing, but being a single woman with three boys is tough. So much easier to just say, 'Sweetie, boys don't do that.' Than to deal with the issue.

Maggie knew the truth, and she grinned and told me to enjoy the park. She hadn't run and hid. She hadn't screamed 'freak' or 'monster' at me. Why had I waited so long?

The salad was delicious. The other girls left, and my waiter turned his attentions to me once again. I ordered another glass of wine and we chatted. He was a student at a local college a few years younger than me. He didn't seem to care. I was so in the moment; I didn't either.

"HI, do you mind if we join you?" Brewster nuzzled my hand as I reached down to pet him, and Rick smiled as I replied. "Please do."

My waiter looked at Rick and nodded. "Hey Rick. A glass of tea and water for Brewster?"

"Water for Brewster, but wine sounds nice. A glass of whatever Kelli is having. Thanks, Tony." He remembered my name. Oh my god!

"I'd accuse you of following me, but it sounds like you're a regular." I could feel the air around the table turn electric. Brewster let out a whimper and laid down at my feet. He felt it, too.

"Could be a bit of both. Let's just say I'm glad you weren't in the mood for falafel." He had the cutest smile. "I haven't seen you around before."

"I just moved in across the street. I'm starting a new job on Monday."

"Really? That sounds exciting."

"It would probably bore you to tears. I'm a software developer. I'm going to be helping a medical company with their financial software, billing, collections, accounting stuff. Not exotic or anything, but I enjoy it. What about you? Or are you independently wealthy and troll parks using Brewster to attract girls?"

"Ugh, you're on to me." We both laughed.

This is how it was supposed to be, laughing, flirting, getting butterflies in my stomach. Rick was cute and funny, and he seemed to be totally into Kelli. I know she was totally into him, which was strange because I'd never let myself think like this before. There had been guys I had seemed attracted to, even one or two that seemed interested in me in ways I didn't understand, but like my mom said, 'boys don't do that.' Mostly guys picked on me or teased me for my mannerisms, or like at the gym, my cute ass and girly figure.

I'd dated, but it never seemed to work out. I had lots of girls that were friends, but never a girlfriend.

This was different. It was nice. It just made sense.

We talked and laughed, making up elaborate stories about people that walked by, casting them as international spies and such. I hadn't had this much fun in, well, ever.

"Did you have plans for later?" Rick took advantage of a lull in our conversation.

"I was going to stop by the gardens on my way home. I noticed the ground crew working on them when I came over."

"There's a little art house theater near here. Would you like to go see what's playing for the matinee? Maybe dinner after? I need to take Brewster home first." He paused and gave me a nervous smile. "How about I walk you home and then I'll know where to pick you up in about an hour? We can stop at the gardens on the way."

I'd like to say the gardens were amazing, that the groundskeepers were true artisans, but I was more interested in Rick's attention than anything else. Somewhere along the way, his hand found mine and our fingers interlaced.

Rick pulled my hand gently, turning me toward him when we got to the steps of my building. Looking into his blue eyes, I knew what he wanted. Kelli wanted it, too. I had some reservations.

"Rick, I..." I wanted it to.

"Shhh." His free hand found my chin, lifting my head gently as he lowered his lips to mine. It was so sweet, so perfect. I could have died in that moment, happy with the truth. Kelli was real. Maybe more real than me. She was alive, vibrant, desired.

"I know." His finger traced a delicate line across my jaw and down the center of my neck, stopping only to trace my Adam's apple. "I don't care." He kissed me again. Throwing my arms around his neck, I dove into his kiss with a passion I didn't know I possessed.

"How was the park?" Maggie was standing outside her apartment when I went inside. I grabbed her and hugged her like my grandmother hugged me.

"That good, huh?" She smiled and laughed as she pried herself from my arms. "That young man you were with seemed to enjoy it, too." I think the astronauts on the space station saw me blush.

Going on a date as a girl is a different world. Clean underwear, jeans and your cleanest shirt don't cut it. After I stripped, it took me twenty minutes to pick out the right panties and bra. Too skimpy or lacey could make him think I was a slut, not lacey enough, a prude. Somewhere in the middle was the perfect message. My choice was more slut than it was prude.

Absolutely, I was assuming he was going to see them and what did that say about Kelli? What did it say about me?

I didn't have a ton of options. My two small suitcases had variety, but not a lot. I wanted him to see me as a girl. No question about it; all girl. I went through both suitcases, leaving cloth carnage in my wake, finally settling on a simple fit and flair dress and a cute pair of low-heel sandals.

Pulling my hair into a ponytail and adding a bow that matched the dress, I spent my last few precious minutes fixing my makeup, again. I did a quick spin I the mirror. I was adorable. The look on Rick's face when I answered the door confirmed it.

We walked across the park and down a short street to a small art district full of studios with all kinds of beautiful work, paintings, sculptures, ceramics, metal work, and in the middle of it all, a small theater with one screen. No electronic kiosk. We had to wait in line to get our tickets and then again to find our seats.

The theater offered a limited menu, and he ordered us a bottle of wine and charcuterie to go with it. How he was expecting me to eat after the movie was beyond me.

The movie was something foreign, a comedy with subtitles, but I didn't care. I was on a date, an actual date. Rick was spoiling me rotten.

Between the closed captions and the audience's laughs and giggles, I could follow the story closely enough to enjoy myself. I mostly sipped my wine, snacked on the cheese, and tried not to let Rick catch me looking at him.

Part of me felt elated, floating on that proverbial cloud nine we hear about. Another part couldn't understand why he was treating me so nicely, what he saw in me. Could he really like a girl that was a 'guy in a dress,' no matter how cute she was?

Years and years of denial screamed inside me while the new truth of Kelli danced in the air. "Boys don't do that." My mom's words echoed in my soul. "But girls do." Kelli's fresh voice was just a little louder.

"You're quiet over there." Rick took my hand as we walked from the theater to the small restaurant where he had made a hasty reservation.

"Just processing." I squeezed his hand, hugged his arm, and laid my head on his shoulder. "Trying to convince myself today is real. I don't date very often, and this is just so perfect."

"Well, I can promise you today is very real."

Feelings I never knew existed welled inside me. Someone liked me for me, not for who I was pretending to be because that was what I had been doing my entire life, pretending. This was me; Kelli was me; I was her, and Rick liked me.

The small café had maybe a dozen tables, half of them occupied and the rest rapidly filling with the small crowd that seemed to follow us from the theater. Another bottle of wine. I joked Rick was trying to get me drunk so he could take advantage of me.

"Shhh... Not so loud. You'll expose all my secrets." We both laughed.

I let Rick order for me. It just seemed like a girly thing to do. Everything was amazing, and for dessert, a cheesecake so rich and so light, it contradicted itself. The touch of strawberry glaze was the perfect compliment.

We sat and enjoyed the ambiance as we finished the last of our wine. "So, what's next?" I smiled across the table as I set my empty glass down next to his.

"Not sure. Whatever it is, I hope it involves me getting to know you better. We're about halfway between your apartment and my house. I could walk you home..." the way he left the sentence unfinished implied another option. My heart fluttered. I had a hard time catching my breath.

"Or?" I reached across the table for his hand.

"Who is Kelli, anyway?"

"I already told you. I do software. Monday, new job, remember?" I giggled.

"Not that Kelly, this Kelli. The beautiful, charming woman sitting across from me. Tell me about her."

I sat quietly, pondering what to say, trying to figure out how to explain who I was. It had all been bits and pieces for so long. Flashes of imagination and inspiration. Isolated instances of happiness, always cut short by the demands of 'the real world.' It had been a fantasy, until today, and in this wonderful dream, I had found a prince, a prince that promised this was real, a prince who wanted to know who I was. How could I tell him something I didn't even know?

I got up and ran, not physically, but emotionally, walking briskly across the café, stopping just outside the door. "Boys, don't do that!" my mother screamed at me. I could feel Rick next to me, his arms gently wrapping around me, his embrace shielding me from my memories.

"But girls do!" I screamed this time. I may have shouted it out loud, I couldn't be sure. All I knew for certain was that my mother's voice went silent, and Rick hugged me tighter. "But girls do." I whimpered this time, turning in Rick's arms and crying on his chest. "But girls do."

When I stopped crying, we just walked, neither of us saying a word for what felt like forever. The silence finally broken by stories of growing up, not knowing who or what I was. Looking in the mirror day after day, seeing only the costume they forced me to wear, that horrible façade, the truth underneath denied, forced to live in the shadows screaming to be heard.

As I grew, there were minor victories, band instead of football; I wanted to play the flute. It seemed like the thing a girl would play, delicate, its voice drifting above all the others as if it had wings. We compromised on the clarinet. I remembered hearing Gershwin's Rhapsody in Blue for the first time. Yes, instead of light and flighty, I would be sexy, sensuous, seductive like the clarinet at the beginning of the song. Sensuous women probably had more fun than the flighty ones, anyway. I could play the clarinet. It was still girly enough.

Then college. The costume was still there, but I could do other things. I could make my body more in line with what it was supposed to be, and I started working out, watching YouTube videos to find the proper exercises to emphasize what I wanted to accent. Boys liked their girls to have nice legs and firm butts after all.

Then there came those special moments, those isolated instances of peace and beauty, the times when Kelli slowly showed herself to me. I bought clothes, hiding them in a small suitcase at the back of my closet. Then breast forms. Nope, those are too big, maybe these. Perfect.

One suitcase became two. Makeup, then a wig. The wig went away as my hair grew. Laser hair removal and electrolysis. I used my scholarship money, got a part-time job and ate Ramen, but it was worth it. My mom protested, but I stood firm. For the first time in my life, I fought for Kelli, and I knew she could, no would one day, be free.