Just Once: Conclusion

So you go through a highly tense period in the operating room and when you are past that moment, you feel that emotional bond brought on by the extreme tension. And in your case it may exhibit itself in flirtations behavior. Perhaps that's kind of your version and manifestation of your adrenaline high.

Here's the elephant: So it was with Diedre Kline and me. We had been out on patrol and barely survived an ambush. We returned to the base. We went to my office where I would write up an incident report. We were both shaking -- adrenaline, fear, the realization that we had just barely escaped becoming casualties of war. She put her arms around me and held me. I held her in return. We stood there shaking for I don't know how long. And when the shaking diminished she dropped to her knees, opened my pants and performed oral sex on me. It didn't take long and I exploded with more intensity than just sex alone could provide. But I finally began to feel more calm and at peace.

It just seemed natural and right to return the favor. I had her stand up, I sat her on my desk, after loosening her pants and provided her with that same oral sexual release that I had experienced. At that point, I'm not sure, but I think that if circumstances would have allowed we would have had full intercourse. Instead our base came under rocket and mortar attack. We took cover. By the time it was over, the mood had been destroyed. But more importantly, I came to my senses. I did not want to die in the arms of a lover. It would be devastating to my wife. It would be devastating to my children. And even if they did not find out, it would destroy the good name and reputation I had built up for myself in my military career.

That has to be the incident that Diedre was referring to when she told you she had "taken care" of me. Of course, if I would have come clean with you, you would have known exactly what had and what had not happened. Instead, I said nothing. And when you confronted me I lied and you caught me in the lie because I was guilty of giving an orgasm to a person other than my wife and receiving an orgasm from a person other than my wife. And that's adultery in my book. I am guilty.

But I'm sure that with me lying and denying that anything happened, your mind was left to contemplate all sorts of scenarios between Deidre and myself. Why did Diedre come to you and tell you that she took care of me and then leave you hanging. It's called women being catty. It is often a way of trying to come between a man and his spouse -- destroying a marriage -- maybe to get the man for herself.

I had that happen to me one time, too, Back when I was in Korea I got a letter from Lydiia -- from high school - telling me that you were a regular at the Red Roof Inn, arriving there about 90 minutes to two hours before your shift began at the hospital. This was completely out of the blue. But it played havoc with my mind. Yet, stupid me, did I have the good sense to simply ask you about it and get the right information that would have let me sleep at night? No. I let my imagination run wild. As a result I also let it destroy the R & R time we could have had together in Hawaii. There was no R & R. There was nothing but tension. And what did Lydia get out of it? I'm sure she wanted to get between us. It didn't work. I never responded to her letter.

That brings me to a very difficult topic. My guess is that at first you will get defensive. My hope is that you will mull over what I have to say and maybe find in it a kernel of truth that might be helpful to us in the long run. Women use cattiness to undermine the marriage of a man they want. Diedre came to you, made her statement, and then was out of there. I suppose that in doing so she felt that she would have devastated you and shown herself to have been a superior lover compared to you. But then she was gone. Lydia was never on scene. I'm sure they both knew that I could easily find them if my marriage fell apart. They wee probably hoping for it.

Men are different. They do not use cattiness, they use dominance. In our present circumstances Trey will not be gone. He will be working with you every day. I cannot help but feel that he is thinking, "I proved myself to be the better man. She took herself away from Rick to give herself to me." If I go to a hospital social function, I will get the smirk and snide remark that is meant to remind me that he has fucked my wife -- numerous times. If I skip such functions it will mean to him that he has humiliated me so that I cannot face him and he will "take care" of you by attending you all night, dancing with you, feeling you up and trying to get you into bed. I cannot believe that after these six weeks of having you that he will leave you alone.

Now you've got to admit that I know men in general -- what they think and why they do what they do. That is part of being an officer in the army. An officer has to understand the men under him. And so I believe I have some insight into Trey's actions. You wrote that you were not seduced, that your six weeks with Trey was of your own free will.

Now especially in these last few years, the army has tried to give officers training to deal with sexual harassment, sexual predators and inappropriate behavior. Your casual reference to when Trey first put his hands on you raises a red flag. Why would he do that? My training says it is a way to exert dominance over a person. Oh, the person, in this case, you, does not recognize it as such. But his actions are teaching you that you have no private space and that he has ownership of your body. He may not have seduced you in the way that women think of seduction -- romantic dinners, flowers, gifts, etc. -- instead it was placing his hands on you and thereby demonstrating that he has some ownership of your body. Of course the ultimate ownership of your body is the sexual union -- which you gave him for six weeks. But he had begun establishing his dominance over you from that first time he touched you.

Now you may test my theory that he actually did seduce you by his dominance but you just did not recognize it as such. If my theory is correct, it will be but a matter of days at the hospital and despite the fact that you have told him that the sexual relationship with him is over, he will, in one way or another, try to get you to go to bed with him. If he has not already, he will belittle me to you, implying that I am weak, helpless and unable to satisfy you. He may even refer to me as a cuckold. I would not be surprised if, during this last week when you were going to get tested for STDs and then not have any more sex, he did not pressure you into having sex with him one or more times -- just to prove that he now has complete ownership of you -- that his will to fuck you overrides even your own will to abstain for a few days.

Which brings me to the partner you arranged for me, Leslie. I will grant you that she is a pretty young thing, but, as I explained to her and her husband, I am not into fucking random women, no matter how attractive or sexy they may be. (I was a little more polite than that and we did it over pie a-la-mode.) Again, lack of communication between you and me rears its ugly head. I never explained to you what I do to rid myself of sexual tension when on deployment. Unlike some men, who do chase women, I never got into that. I have always taken care of myself by masturbating to fantasies of you. True, sometimes I'll look at pictures of girls in bikinis or lingerie, or skimpy shorts or revealing tops, but their attire, in my fantasies is transferred to you, and I dream of you dressed provocatively and shamelessly giving yourself to me -- or more accurately, both of us shamelessly giving ourselves to one another.

When I was young, I purposely disciplined myself to think that way because I did not want to screw around. I wanted to have a wife and I wanted to be faithful to her. And my fantasies have allowed me to do that -- with the exception of the time with Diedre. So I never once did anything of a sexual nature with Leslie. Thanks, but no thanks.

Now what I did not explain to the Nielsens, because I did not want to hurt their feelings in any way, was that , in addition to being faithful to you, I did not want to be a human toy to be used for their pleasure. Think of it for a minute and reverse places with me. Imagine that having sex with a woman is not a problem for you. But how would you feel, having sex with Leslie, and there, sitting with his pants around his ankles and his cock in his hands sits Vinnie, staring at you and wanking his cock. I can imagine you saying, "That is kind of creepy." Well creepy is more of a girl word than a guy word, but yes, it would feel kind of creepy to me to be with Leslie with Vinnie looking on and wanking off.

Which brings me to my problem -- MY problem. For the first two weeks after you left I was in such emotional turmoil that I didn't even try to masturbate. I had no sexual desire at all. At the beginning of the third week I thought I would try masturbating to fantasies of you. I couldn't do it. Every time I successfully pictured you in my mind images of Trey would intrude. If I pictured you in a bikini on a beach, you would be there on a blanket with Trey. If I pictured you in a slinky dress ready to go dancing in a nightclub, you would be dancing in Trey's arms. I would go limp and become depressed. That lasted for two weeks and I gave up. Finally, on week five I conjured up in my imagination a make believe girl -- kind of a composite of a number of girls from high school -- the hair of one, the lips of another, the chest of a third, the hips of a fourth, the legs of a fifth. I tried to avoid picturing a full face. Over these last two weeks I have cum a couple of times over these totally imaginary girls. But when I tried again to think of you, the image of Trey taking you to be his own intruded.

There is yet another reason why I did not want to go up with you to your room at the hotel. If it was your intention that there in that room I was to reclaim you (see, poor communication again, I really do not know of your intentions toward me in the hotel room) I'm pretty sure that I would fail because, eyes open or closed, the image of Trey being with you would cause both my erection and my desire for you to wither.

Where does that leave us? I honestly don't know. We are two broken people who have done terrible things to one another over the years. I do not hold moral high ground over you. You do not stand on moral high ground over me.

I would hope that as you read this letter -- or have read it more than once, that you can tell that I have bared my soul to you. And I have done so because I love you very much and want to spend the rest of my life with you.

But your letter was written before you spent six weeks with Trey. Sexual intercourse is a very powerful bonding thing. Maybe, even though you did not intend it to, your time with Trey has brought you close together -- closer than you and I have ever been. You wrote: "If you love someone, set them free. And let them come back to you." But I am aware that maybe you have bonded so closely that you do not want to come back to me.

I love you too much to deprive you of any more of the happiness or contentment you deserve. If Trey can bring you happiness, fly to him. I will not stand in your way. I had my chance and I have made many selfish mistakes. If the weight of those mistakes is so much that you no longer want to live with me, I'll understand. I do not want you living with me and resenting me for the rest of your life. You deserve so much better.

When you have read this letter to the point that you feel you understand with clarity all I have written to you, give me a call and I will come to you. As stated above, I do not think that I will be able to reclaim you at this time. If you want to stay at the hotel all night by yourself, that is fine, too, call me in the morning and I will come and get you.

I have set myself up in the guest room. I still love you, but right now it is more like a brother loving a sister. I can't get the sexual thing to work. I don't have to work on Sunday, my guess is that you don't either. We can talk until we drop. Or not.

I am confused, depressed, lonely, and without a clue as to how to solve my problem. I believe that I have probably experienced 75 -- 90% of the emotional turmoil associated with getting a divorce. Realistically ,I do not know what the chances are of our marriage surviving.

Do what you think is best. I would appreciate it if you would keep me informed, but that, too, is out of my hands.

I wish I knew, when we first got married, what I know now. I would have treated you much better. We could have had a happy life. I'm hoping that is still possible in the time remaining.

All my love,

Rick

Wow! I read the letter over again, then a third time. I went down to the restaurant to get some supper. I took the letter with me and read it again. I reread the part where Rick suggested that Trey was exhibiting signs of a sexual predator and that his theory about that could be tested out. When I was done eating I went back up to my room, sat in a recliner, letter in hand, and gave it more thought. I must have fallen asleep but woke up about 9 PM still thinking about the letter. It was time for me to make two telephone calls.

The first one was to Leslie. After a few opening pleasantries, the conversation went something like this:

M: "I just wanted to apologize to you for Rick's behavior or for raising your expectations. I understand that he declined to meet with you the way we expected him to."

L: "You don't have to apologize. He was so sweet. We had tentatively invited him over to the house for steaks. It seems he did not want to decline my offer to have sex with him while eating our steaks, so instead he invited us over to your house in the late evening for pie a-la-mode. When I saw them I thought that the pies were home made. They looked delicious. But he explained that he knew of a bakery that made the best pies in the entire metro area. He had bought a cherry pie and a peach. Then he brought out this ice cream which was the creamiest I have ever tasted. We were offered "military grade" coffee, tea or milk.

"When we sat down to eat he paid me numerous compliments about how attractive I was and how he appreciated my friendship the night I came over to your house when he had just gotten off the phone with you after a devastating conversation.

"Now when we explain our lifestyle choice to some people who are not into an open marriage, they get openly hostile and rude. Not Rick. Without judging us at all, he simply explained how he is a one woman man and how that was true even when he was deployed overseas, far away from home. We could not help but respect him, wish him well, and assure him that we wanted to remain friends with him, especially in his time of need. So while it was not what we expected we came out of it respecting Rick for being a very kind man.