Just Too Happily Married

She said, "OK daddy."

They both got back in the car, but they didn't pull away. I yelled at them to leave, but Derek only drove about thirty feet. I thought, 'Fuck it.'

I turned and looked back at the house. All I thought was, 'You bitch. You fucking cheating adulterous bitch. You're going to get just what you want.'

I walked back to the house. Barb was at the front door, "Ryan I'm..."

I pushed by her. I guess I pushed a little too hard because she fell into the door frame. I didn't care. I walked quickly but deliberately up the stairs to our bedroom. In our bedroom was the pull down stairs that led to the attic. In the attic was our luggage. I went up, and threw down all her and my luggage. I stepped back down.

She was at the bedroom door, "Ryan."

I didn't bother to look. If I looked at her I knew I'd end up killing her. I went to her side of the closet and started pulling out her dresses, all those expensive dresses she just had to have. I started throwing them in first one suitcase then another.

She stepped in, "Ryan I'm..."

I didn't look up I kept loading her shit. I said, "You're gone."

She stepped forward and grabbed my arm. I lost it. I didn't hurt her, but I lifted her on the bed, "You could start helping me load your shit."

She got up and just stared at me. I didn't wait. I filled the two-suiters, the overnighters and the two cosmetic bags. When they were full I went down and grabbed a box of garbage bags. I was surprised; it didn't take that long. I had everything she owned right down to her toothbrush in one container or another. I started hauling the shit out to her car.

She followed, "Ryan please."

I said, "You can help you know."

She said, "Please, don't do this."

She tried to stand in my way at the front door. I just brushed her aside again. She slipped and fell again. I didn't care. I felt like kicking her.

Pretty soon I had everything she owned in her BMW. I was surprised it all fit.

She kept following me around, crying. She kept crying and begging, "Ryan please don't do this. Ryan. Oh please. I'm sorry. I was a fool. Ryan. Oh Ryan darling!"

I thought, 'Ryan darling; that's a good one.'

Finally I had everything in. I threw her purse at her. It hit her right in the chest. I told her, "Get the fuck out of here, and never I mean never come back!"

She was hysterical. The neighbors were all in the street watching. She cried out, "Ryan don't do this. Don't send me away. I have no place to go."

I stopped. In spite of my anger I smiled, "Oh yes you do. You've got Matthew. Go to your new lover." I carefully and I must say for all my anger I gently eased her into her car. She still hit her head. I was about to slam the door shut when I saw the glint of gold.

I said, "Wait a minute," I reached in, grabbed her left wrist, pulled her hand out, and twisted off first her ten year anniversary ring, then her engagement ring, and last her wedding ring. I took all three of them. By then it was nearly dark. I reared back and threw them as far off into the night as I could. I looked at her, "Now get the fuck out of here."

She was crying; I'd say she was frantic as she slowly pulled away.

One of our neighbors, a close friend, asked, "Ryan what are you doing?"

I looked at him and said, "I'm getting ready to kill the next son-of-a-bitch who says anything to me."

He held up his hands and backed away.

I turned and walked back into the house. I went in the kitchen, collapsed in a chair, put my head in my hands and cried. It wasn't a 'come down' from an adrenalin rush kind of cry. I was crying because of what I'd just done. I'd thrown my wife out of our house. I'd thrown away nearly twenty years of love. But then I stopped. I hadn't thrown anything away, she had.

I found my cell phone and called the kids, "It's OK to come back now."

~~v~~

The kids weren't very far away. They got back and saw the wreckage.

Derek walked in and asked, "I saw mom leave. Where'd she go?"

I said, "To her lover."

Derek didn't say anything he just went upstairs.

Elaine looked at me and cried, "Oh daddy. Didn't you talk to her?"

The way she said it reminded me of the little girl Zuzu in that old movie 'It's a Wonderful Life'. 'Yeah,' I thought, 'but there ain't no angels around to save this mess.'

The next morning I got the kids up. We had a short talk. I made them understand that woman would never set foot back in this house again. Even if I had to burn the place down; she'd never be back. My kids were suitably cowed. I told them if their mother called they could talk to her. If they wanted to live with her they could. I told them they were both old enough to make that decision. I also told them that no matter what I loved them; I just couldn't be around their mother again, not ever.

They left for school; each driving their own car.

I called out sick for the rest of the week. I knew what I had to do; only I took it a lot further. Sure I closed the accounts. I shut down the credit cards. I went to the bank and changed everything over. I cancelled Barbara's car and health insurance. I cut off her cell phone. I made an appointment with a lawyer. I called a locksmith and got him out to change the locks. I did all that and more.

I was out for blood. Now in Maryland there's no such thing as 'alienation of affection'. If I wanted money from 'that man', I wouldn't get any. I didn't anyway. What did I care? I was fucked anyway. I called Barbara's company and set up an appointment with HR. They needed to know. They had a contract. I wouldn't call it a morals contract, but it meant the same thing. It was my fondest hope I'd have Matthew Woodland and Barbara Greene out looking for work by the end of the week.

~~v~~

Well my efforts to ruin their careers didn't work exactly the way I planned, but I was close. I went to see their HR people. I took the texts with me. That's all I needed. The head of HR was a man. He politely advised me they'd see to Mr. Woodland, but my wife had too much time in. He said she certainly couldn't stay in public relations; they'd have to find her something else.

Everything else took a lot longer. I saw a lawyer and he explained a little bit about Maryland law. If I tried to go for a divorce it would be painful and incredibly expensive, but Maryland had an alternative. Maryland had what was called a 'separation agreement'.

The lawyer explained things this way. There was what he called a 'limited divorce'. Technically we'd still be married, but we'd live apart. There could be no sexual relations as long as we were separated. If after a year there was no resolution then the limited divorce became what he called an 'absolute divorce'. During that year not only could Barbara and I not have relation with each other, but if we had relations with anyone else it would be considered adultery. Aha! If she touched her new boyfriend she would have committed adultery. Damn, she already had, but I'd have her. I'd have her cold, cut up, and yes sir, sliced and diced. I hated her! I hated her so much!

Of course there were child support issues, alimony maybe, custody, health insurance, some issues with property, but most importantly there'd be a date. One year from the initial date and the real divorce would go into effect. I asked the lawyer if one spouse could file for this without the others consent. He said yes, but a judge might insist on some kind of counseling.

I thought counseling - the hell with counseling! But the lawyer told me if a judge ordered it I'd have to do it. That pissed me off, but I figured in the end it would be the price I'd have to pay.

I gave him the go ahead' and left his office. I was numb. I was destroyed. Deep inside I still had trouble believing what she'd done. But it was there. It was all there. I was amazed how she'd changed. I was just as amazed at how much I'd changed. In less than a week I'd changed from a loving husband prepared to die for his wife; to a man obsessed with hate, a man consumed with revenge. Did I care? No! I was Shylock; I would get my pound of flesh even if it meant cutting out her worthless cheating heart.

Hank Williams, "Your Cheatin Heart." Until this I only thought of that song as something fun to dance to. Now, well...

A couple weeks later word got back to me from another friend at her company, an insider. They'd transferred Woodland to another location in another state. My friend figured he'd be allowed to work there till the flames died down, and then they'd find a reason to dump him if he didn't quit first. He said they had the same plan for Barbara. She was shifted out of public relations and into a department she knew next to nothing about. It meant a reduction in pay. He figured she'd be canned in a year. Yes, I was getting my revenge.

Nothing else worked. Derek was angry with both of us. He packed up and moved in with a friend. He promised to keep me up on school. I promised to see that tuition was paid when he graduated.

Elaine moved back, but it wasn't a happy time. I could check her grades by looking on the Internet. When I saw they were dropping her response was lethargic. I got the classic, 'Oh whatever'. I didn't know what to do.

Barbara did move in with Woodland. Hell she didn't have any other place. She stayed there about a week until I was told she found something for herself. I found out where it was; what a rat-hole! Well she had it coming.

I had the house, and intended to stay. We had a lot of equity built into it. We'd lived there more than ten years, and we'd refinanced twice. We never got hit with the housing collapse. We'd been proud of our wisdom back then; now it didn't matter so much. If we couldn't work an agreement we'd probably sell it. I looked around. There were so many memories.

Memories; that was another problem; I was surrounded by them. Everywhere I looked I saw reminders of our past life, another life, a dead thing now. There were pictures, but it was more than the pictures. Sure the family portrait taken when Derek first started middle school, our wedding picture, Elaine in her tutu; they all mattered. I guess the figurines under the plastic dome in the China closet were a bother.

No still it was the stupid stuff, the scrape on the kitchen table from when Barb cut herself, the scratches on the hardwood floor when we dragged in the piano Barb just had to have, and the scratches from when we dragged it back out after she gave up taking lessons.There was the picture of the two of us on our fifteenth wedding anniversary, she and I behind the pilot's wheel when we boarded the cruise liner. Oh my Gosh; the picture from a year's ago barbecue, me holding a beer, arm draped around Barb, her smiling that 'knowing' secret smile. We'd just slipped in a quickie right under the neighbor's noses. Yeah, oh yeah those were the things that hurt. I mean really hurt. How could she?

My lawyer filed the forms for the 'separation agreement' in Hagerstown in Washington County, but shit I forgot, it was Maryland. Maryland was the state where speedy meant slow, slow meant tortoise-like and tortoise-like meant inert.

After seemingly senseless delays my lawyer finally filed nearly three weeks later in October. The courts needed time to set their calendar. We didn't get a date till November 19th, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Nothing counted until we got a date. I thought, 'They don't tell people about this kind of inanity in the newspapers.'

So there we were, just before Thanksgiving, in the Hagerstown Courthouse, an Eighteenth Century shithole, and the assigned judge had skipped out to God knows where. We had a substitute, and hadn't found out about it until we got there. My lawyer told me not to worry; this was just a formality.

I sat at my table with my lawyer; Barbara sat at her table with hers. We'd been scheduled for the morning, but things were slow and tedious. We had to wait around till late afternoon. Now before us sat a judge who looked older than Methuselah. He might have been Methuselah for all the time he took.

As for Barbara; she looked gorgeous! I felt tired and haggard, but she looked like she'd just come back from vacation. Her hair was perfect, makeup flawless, the dress she had on fit like a sleeve. She looked fresh, and healthy, and young. I guessed fucking a man only six years older than her son must be therapeutic.

My lawyer leaned over and whispered, "This is Judge Landis; things could get a little tricky. They say his granddaughter's ex-husband treated her pretty roughly in their divorce.

'Just what I needed,' I thought, 'a grandfather filled with righteous anger.'

The judge was slow, excruciatingly slow as he looked over the paperwork. The clerk, a very young looking woman, had to stand beside him as he slowly turned the pages, all eight of them. Finally he squinted out at us over his glasses. I could barely understand his garbled remarks. He looked at me, "You'll get your year. It'll start today," he turned to the clerk and muttered, "What day is it?"

The clerk smiled softly and said, "The nineteenth."

The old man smiled at the clerk. I saw him gently pat her hand, "Thanks honey," he looked back at me and frowned, then he looked at Barbara and smiled, "I see you've got two children, a girl who's sixteen and a boy of seventeen. They're old enough to understand. I'll expect to see them right after Thursday, say Friday morning at this location," he took a couple scraps of paper and jotted down an address. Then he added, "I'll expect the two of you to be there as well."

My lawyer stood up, "But your honor!"

The judge reached for his gavel, knocking his glasses off in the process. He hit the wooden 'sounding block' a glancing blow, "This is my courtroom son. You won't interrupt."

My lawyer sheepishly sat back down.

My hopefully someday ex-wife's lawyer stood then.

The judge looked up, "Yes?"

Barbara's lawyer politely, no obsequiously stated, "Your honor my client respectfully requests that there be counseling."

The judge smiled at my wife. He looked at me and scowled, then looked back at my wife, "I see this separation request isn't your idea," he turned to me again and in an unfriendly tone added, "There shall be counseling..."

My lawyer arose again, "With the court's permission..."

The judge looked down his nose at my man, "Yes?"

"With the court's indulgence,' my lawyer added, "we'd like to participate in the selection of any counselor."

The judge, almost ignoring my lawyer said, "I'll choose the counselor," then he looked at me, "Whoever it'll be will be someone who'll treat both spouses fairly."

I shrugged. I heard the whistle and felt the railroad tracks on the back of my neck.

Then the judge closed the proceedings. "I'll see both children at the indicated location Friday morning. I expect both parents to be present. No lawyers need be present. Between now and then I'll examine this couple's resources and make a decision. Now will there be anything further?"

My man said, "No your honor."

Barbara's lawyer concurred, and that was that...until Friday.

As we stepped outside the courtroom Barbara approached me, "Should I bring the kids or do you want to?"

I had no idea; had she gotten to them? I replied, "Well Derek's staying with..."

She interrupted, "He's with me right now."

Shit I thought he'd moved in with a friend. Now I find out my son's with the cheating whore. Turncoat! I started to say something about Elaine, "Well I'll..."

Barbara interrupted me, "I know Elaine's with you. Tell her I said hello, and that I love her."

I thought, 'This is seriously screwed up.' I responded, "Then its Friday morning at this..." I saw the address; it was a private home on the outskirts of Hagerstown, "address." I didn't know it then but we'd be at the old judges' private residence, and my kids, my son anyway, had pretty much betrayed me.

~~v~~

We all met at the judge's house. I guess he could do it; we seemed to have become, though I didn't know or understand why, his 'project'.

Barbara and I sat outside in what I would have termed a small parlor. There were only two old ornate something like Queen Anne's chairs, a larger love seat, and an old roll top desk with a swivel chair in front.

The two of us sat uncomfortably, I sat on the loveseat and was tired and uncomfortable; Barbara sat in one of the chairs reading a novel. She looked marvelous! We sat there for nearly two hours; no water, no chance for a bathroom break, nothing.

The kids went back to a closed off adjacent room and sat with the judge. I could faintly hear them talk. Every now and then I heard laughter. I couldn't understand the content of the discussion.

Shortly before noon the judge and my kids came out. Derek shook the judge's hand, he kissed his mom, but only nodded toward me. Elaine kissed the judge on the cheek. She thanked him. I didn't know what for. She kissed her mom, and, standing back, politely told me she'd wait for me.

I thought, 'well thanks for nothing.'

The judge smiled at Barbara and said, "I'd like to see you tomorrow say 9:00 a.m. if you can make it."

Barbara smiled sweetly and said she could. She could really turn on the charm.

He looked at me, "I'd like to see you now. Can you do that?"

What choice did I have; I said yes. He led me back to the room where he and my kids had been. We both sat down in another of those two old chairs. He offered me a glass of water. I took it. Then he started.

"Mr. Greene I've read your lawyer's paperwork, and talked to your children. Your wife's behavior has been, of course, almost inexcusable. To have an affair with another man, in this case a much younger man is a cruel betrayal of your trust. It says here you've been married quite a while; eighteen years in fact. You met in college, and you've written how deeply you loved her. I know what she did must hurt terribly."

I started to say something. For the first time I felt like I had his empathy, "Your honor I'd like..."

He held up his hand, "Let's leave the 'your honor' for the courtroom. In here I'm just Allen."

I wanted to continue. I started to talk again, but he stopped me again, "No, it's my turn. You'll get a chance in just a minute. Ok?"

I said, "Yes sir...Allen."

He smiled, he actually smiled, "Maybe a glass of Brandy?"

I said, "No I'm good."

"All right," he said, "let's look at what happened. First your wife broke her vows. She left the nest and had an affair with a much younger man. I sent my secretary out Tuesday this week. I got some pictures. I'd say he's quite handsome; a hunk I think is what my secretary called him. Yes, a real head turned."

I felt my stomach roll over.

The judge went on, "You certainly love, or loved her dearly. Her betrayal, any betrayal like this is the worst that can happen to a happily married man, and you were very happily married."

I huskily replied, "Yes...I was."

"But then what happened? You discovered what she'd done, and you reacted, or I should say you overreacted."

I started to say something. But he stopped me, "I have it right here Mr. Greene, Ryan. You quite literally physically threw her out of your house. Your children were there. You remember don't you? You pushed her aside. They saw it. They said you knocked her down. Mr. Greene that's not how grown men, grown men with their children present behave toward someone they loved. Mr. Greene, Ryan, you were pretty ruthless that night weren't you?"

I replied the best I could, "Judge, I mean Allen. You don't understand. I trusted her. I thought he, that man, that hunk, was harassing her. I found out she'd been harassing him. She'd chased him! She was my wife! I read her texts! She wanted to leave me and go with him! Your honor, Allen, this just isn't fair. I gave her..."