Keep Rehearsing and Keep Performing

She had to have time to think about last night. There had been no text message from him at all that morning. Rachel had kept checking. She then headed out on to the downs behind the houses listening to music on her phone. She was grateful for the fresh air and the exercise to clear her head. She had been cooped up inside either the rehearsal studio, work, or the house. She had contemplated being away from temptation. The pack of Camels were on the counter and definitely not in her pocket...well almost.

She had picked them up with her phone. She had looked at them for a few seconds as the thought of walking along with a cigarette potentially could be good for the audition. But she purposefully put them back down. Before instantly picking them back up again and putting them securely in her hoody pocket.

Her defence was it was lunchtime. As of tomorrow, she was now looking forward to having a cigarette with Amanda at lunchtime anyway. She might as well get in some practice. As such sat down on a bench looking over the town, calmly eat her sandwich and then with the sun on her face, grinning to herself, lit her cigarette.

When much later she finally came home with her head much clearer for her long walk carrying a little bag from her favourite Asian take-out, she realized as she put the bag down on the counter that she out the pack down on the table. With the exception of the one lunchtime smoke and when she walked past the corner shop with the suggestion that they sold cigarettes as she made her way to the takeaway. She had yet a flash of temptation.

After turfing the noodles into a bowel, she flicked on the TV and sat down in the couch crossed legged to eat. Once finished, Rachel instantly then thought that she ought to smoke her two cigarettes right away so she could then shower and get rid of the smoke odour before going to bed. So, she did. There was again enjoyment of her second shower of the day afterwards.

She sat on the sofa in her dressing gown and positively messaged her friend Imogen.

"I've actually smoked five cigarettes today! 😊"

"And? I've already smoked 25? X"

She instantly looked at her phone with shock. Should she increase or cut back? This was determined that this was not going to competition with Imogen.

Grant had spent the day fretting that he had pushed things too far. Got her too drunk and made her smoke too many cigarettes. Kissed her. He was now worried that he had pushed her away from him. He contemplated texting her a couple of times. But guessed if she wanted him for her smoking practice, she would contact him.

He did glance out of his front window and spot her coming back down the street in her very baggy clothing carrying a bottle of water and a takeaway bag. It proved she was still alive.

As such he did text her and apologise for potentially giving her a hangover. He purposely did not mention the kiss. He wanted to, he wanted to say it was amazing.

She replied, "The pleasure of your company was all mine x".

***

Monday morning soon came around and since she had agreed with Grant to try smoking with Amanda at work, she purposefully thought about her cutting back idea, so with great gusto opted to skip smoking at breakfast.

Rachel almost felt proud of herself for purposefully not smoking in the morning. However, the thought of doing it with her co-worker felt suddenly rather scary. Smoking with Grant with a glass of wine was one thing. Sitting having a coffee with a cigarette on her own was easy. Sitting there on their on the tiny outside seating area with her colleague was another thing entirely. She cursed herself for even suggesting it.

Rachel also found not spending the time in the morning drinking a coffee and casually smoking, she was actually ready earlier than usual, and a sense of unfulfillment swept over her. She couldn't put her finger on it and imagined that she was used to sit longer at breakfast, taking it easy and starting the day with no rush. That day instead, after eating a light yoghurt and drinking a cup of coffee she bounced off the chair and was basically ready to leave the house.

But Rachel never put the effect her now regular smoking habit into the equation. What she was actually feeling was her body in a very subtle way that it expected her to provide the daily morning dose of nicotine that it was starting to rely on. What Rachel thought was accomplishment, was instead a reversal. Her body was the lacking the buzz of endorphins that her body had not released in her system as it usually did every morning in the response to her feeding her lungs with several large doses of nicotine-rich smoke.

As such when Rachel got to work, it all felt a bit wrong, everything was not quite in its place. She was unusually even slightly snarky. One of her colleagues even remarked if she got out the wrong side of bed that morning, and it never got better. Everything she did was far harder than usual, things that would be easy required focus. Rachel took a deep breath, proverbially rolled up her sleeves and soldiered on, her focus solely aimed at the upcoming lunch break which seemed a long way off.

She was lucky that Amanda worked the same hours and therefore the management had effectively arranged that they had common breaks times and so at almost every day they went together to the food court to grab something to eat. This time though, Rachel in her handbag had stowed her pack of Camels and all morning she had planned to step outside with the colleague she had watched for so many weeks smoke, and actually smoke with her.

Once they had got their salads, Rachel like a sheep practically followed Amanda all the way to the staff room, and then on to the small smoking patio area.

"Okay Rachel, what gives today? How come you suddenly smoke at work?" she asked with surprise.

"Oh nothing, really. It's part of my rehearsal things, you know. I thought it'd be useful to change the settings a bit..." Rachel explained timidly.

Most lunchtimes, Amanda was always in a hurry to feed her nicotine cravings, as they did not have long before needing to get back to work. It was also normally threatening to rain or was blowing a gale. She already a Newport 100 dangling from her lips. Normally it would have already been already alight, and she would be pulling massive amounts of smoke into her nicotine starved lungs. But that day, out of courtesy and curiosity she purposefully waited for Rachel to extract her cigarette too and then offered her a light. She had expected her to smoke some light or ultra-light brand but was surprised to see that her friend's cigarettes were full flavoured. And she was almost shocked when she saw Rachel lean forward supporting her cigarette only with her lips using her hand to shelter the lighter from the wine. Then accepting the offered light and taking two very important first drags to get it alight, she then inhaled the smoke confidently to her lungs, almost with a sense of urgency.

"Thanks Amanda" Rachel said with a sincere smile as she talked with all the smoke still buried in her chest before exhaling and it got caught on the wind and whipped away.

Amanda followed suit and lit her own cigarette taking a huge double drag to get as much smoke into her body as quickly as possible. She couldn't know that the confidence she saw in Rachel was all façade it was an act, just as she was practicing for.

"Wow, Rachel, I'm impressed! You could really pass for a smoker!" Amanda complimented as Rachel exhaled towards the blue winter sky.

"Great! That is really pleased to hear from you, that's the whole idea, I need to be a convincing smoker!" Rachel joked as her latest exhale poured out her lips, she was certainly proud of the compliment. It meant a lot to her. To celebrate to took yet another deep lung filling inhale.

After a couple deeper drags pulling the smoke into her lungs, Rachel's whole body relaxed a bit and with that she stopped being totally self-conscious about her smoking. She wanted to smoke. They began chatting and suddenly within a few minutes their cigarettes were stubbed out on the wall. As Amanda, who as usual not being satisfied with just one cigarette, pulled another Newport from her bag, and lit it up straight away. She asked more for show than for real if Rachel wanted to join her. Obviously, Rachel passed on the offer, she was thinking that she was smoked out. Yes, she could, but it was not just right. But out of shared cause remained with her friend until they walked back inside to eat their food. Rachel was guzzling her water to wash her throat down of the scratchy cigarette smoke.

Before going back to work, Amanda cheekily collared Rachel.

"Don't know about you, I need one more to make it until my next break." She explained. "Do you care to join me?"

Rachel twisted the lid on her water bottle as she thought about for all of 2 seconds. "Sure. Why not?"

Amanda didn't really expect Rachel to accept the invitation but was more than happy to have her company. Smoking together was certainly more fun than alone. For Rachel for the last month or so she had always smoked two in the morning, so she had already planned for another cigarette. She was so proud of herself that she thought that if she already looked convincing enough to Amanda, maybe she wouldn't need to smoke as much anymore. She maybe had achieved her aim. Smoking 25 or more a day like Imogen was just so wrong.

***

Later that night, with nervous excitement Rachel chose to call Grant, rather than texting him. She just had to tell him about her success at lunch. She was very proud of her accomplishment. As such they both agreed that on Wednesday night, they would meet up again and see if there was any further training, she required from him. She also explained she would tell him all about how smoking with Amanda was going.

Grant was naturally very pleased and extremely positive on the phone. All while wishing that he could have been a fly on the wall to see the experienced smoker provide extracurricular tutoring of his gorgeous pupil.

They again did not mention the kiss.

Having overcome the initial hurdle, with ease that week Rachel made of the smoking lunchbreak with Amanda her new routine. Amanda certainly didn't complain, rather than being a pariah and smoking on her own, she now had some company.

The young shop assistant's smoking development amused her. She had meant it when she had first complimented Rachel for her smoking, but not really in the way Rachel thought. What Amanda actually meant was that Rachel didn't look like someone who pretended to smoke, but someone who really smoked. Amanda saw someone eager, with a need in her face to take those initial drags that may have passed under Rachel's radar as she was focusing on filling her lungs and not burning herself, but not Amanda she saw a smoker.

After starting to smoke at lunchtime with Amanda, Rachel changed her evening routines too. Now she rarely smoked sitting on the sofa unless she was with Grant. She still had that feeling that being in front of the mirror meant that she could polish her performance and put in the much-needed work on her style.

As such, after hurriedly eating, Rachel would pour herself a glass of wine and then stand in front of the mirror studying her technique and gestures. She was pleased that she could now compare it directly to Amanda's, and sometimes she also tried to act out and copy her experienced friend's mannerisms.

A consequence of her new evening routine, Rachel started also to smoke her two post meal cigarettes much closer to each other, sometimes almost back-to-back. Just as Amanda did. All because she could. Rachel convinced herself that when she sat on the couch, she could become entangled by the program she watched on the TV, losing track of time that she would forget to smoke her second cigarette. By doing it back-to-back, it solved this problem.

Although she was smoking strong full-flavored cigarettes, Rachel had now become oblivious to the smell and it wasn't hard anymore for her to fill her lungs with the potent smoke, she still enjoyed taking the large drags that Grant thought necessary even during her second cigarette. It felt right.

To both their disappointment, a work commitment meant Grant had to cancel their Wednesday meet up that week, he couldn't escape work to join her until the weekend. He promised Saturday afternoon.

Rachel took the opportunity to spend the Wednesday evening smoking her two cigarettes in front of the mirror. She experimented just for her own curiosity, she stripped down to her mismatching grey cotton knickers and blue bra. Lit up and looked at herself smoking in her underwear. This was not for stage craft. She would never be on stage in just her knickers. This was her understanding.

Rachel watched as her stomach flattened and chest rose as she pulled the smoke into her lungs. She grinned to herself as she exhaled. She briefly imagined Grant enjoying himself watching her smoke in just her underwear.

With that last cigarette finished, she stubbed it out in the living room, and then got dressed. As she returned to the sofa and her phone, Imogen had messaged teasing her.

"Any more than 5?"

"No, silly, just the 4 today 😊 x!"

That Saturday afternoon the build up to seeing each other had for Rachel almost been electric. She had at first contemplated waiting all morning for her first cigarette of the day with Grant at two, she really did want to wait for Grant. But she could not. She determined mid-morning with a coffee, that her Camel would go well with it. She gave in. It dawned on her that when she lit her second cigarette soon afterwards that it was her last Camel.

There was a hint of nervousness as Rachel welcomed Grant into the house. It soon disappeared when Rachel had to triumphantly open the fresh pack once they were settled on the sofa. Grant was genuinely amazed to see that Rachel had developed her smoking style much further. The hours in front of the mirror were paying off. Rachel easily smoked the Marlboro 100's she even explained to Grant that it was because she had them with him the other Saturday night.

But Grant also noted that Rachel's smoking style had now evolved, she was mixing in gestures that she had copied from Amanda, with what he had explained to her. The one that Grant liked the most was that now Rachel tended to hold the cigarette with straight index and middle fingers, and when bringing it to her lips for a drag, she opened the "Vee" between them, supporting the cigarette with her lips and letting it raise slightly upwards due to the suction of the drag. Grant found it all much more experienced and extremely sexy to watch.

Once again, he stayed much longer than just the smoking session. They chatted, actually watched a movie, and had a couple more beers, they both has a really good time. They were enjoying the moment. Grant had found himself actually missing Rachel in the week away. As Rachel came back carrying two fresh beers and sat a little closer to him on the couch, he noticed that his heart was beating faster than normal. He knew that on one hand he couldn't wait to see the stunning neighbour smoke again, but with the drunken kiss on Saturday, was there genuinely more feelings for Rachel?

In the last seven days Grant had found himself thinking about this situation quite often. On one hand, she was certainly a dream girl, not only because she was absolutely stunning, with a body to kill for and an angelic face with light freckles on her cheeks bones that made her look younger than she really was; her expressive eyes so deep that one could feel to drown staring at them and her pink full lips that simply screamed for kissing attention.

For someone who was meant to be an actor Rachel was quite shy and reserved and not the most outspoken of persons, but he found that once she felt comfortable, she opened up and became animated, fun, and charming.

But and it was for Grant a big 'but', she was very young, much younger than him, and although he normally thought about himself as a 'young man', when he was in her company, he couldn't avoid thinking that he was almost twice her age. If Penny and him had children, she could have easily been his daughter's age.

Then he contemplated if also Rachel could possibly ever be thinking about the same questions, he felt he was being silly, and acting like a love-struck teenager. When he was in fact a grown man. But was it all because he indeed was feeling for her?

Over the beers Rachel discussed the fact that during the week she was now missing her breakfast cigarettes waiting all the way until lunch time for her two cigarettes, and it was almost challenging seeing as wait was long, as she was sure that her body was wanting them earlier. Because of the routine she had been in.

This was music to Grant's ears. His focus was very much back on her.

"Why not have your two in the morning, and then still have your two at lunchtime?" He causally suggested.

"And what still have my two in the evening?" Rachel asked practically aghast. "Amanda has said that I look like a smoker. Maybe I don't need to, I have mastered it already?"

Grant shrugged his shoulders, "When is your audition?"

"In a few weeks, just after Christmas, in the first term."

Grant did his own exaggerated acting and thoughtfully scratched his chin. "It's quite close, I think you should keep going, you need to the master of your art?" He chuckled, trying not to sound sinister.

Rachel looked down at the open pack on the table, two the two spent butts in the ashtray were missing. "I will end up finishing the packs a lot quicker?"

Grant chuckled as she warmly smiled. "Don't worry, I will buy you more!" he affectionately patted her leg.

"You are so kind." Rachel then in return squeezed Grant's thigh. They looked at each other's eyes and smiled.

***

On Monday morning with nervous enthusiasm Rachel tried out her new strategy. She found it helped feeling more at peace throughout the day. Lighting up at 730 whilst drinking her coffee was nice. The second cigarette at 745 just before getting in a mad panic about getting ready, meant to left with a bounce in her step. Wishing that she had bought more chewing gum.

It was not so long to reach lunchtime and 1230 and to finally step outside with Amanda. As they stood there, she still only smoked two to Amanda's three. She skipped the almost instant second one, as it was not needed only having her second once they had eaten.

As she had her classes in the afternoon, she could wait until she got home for her final two cigarettes for the day.

Things were going swimmingly for Rachel and her current plant, until Amanda started asking if Rachel wanted to pop out for a cigarette break in between her morning and lunch breaks. Rachel was quite irate. She had a plan agreed with Grant and was trying to stick with it.

That evening, Rachel told Grant all about it and he could see she was still unhappy at Amanda. From his point of view, instead, Amanda was just being friendly to a fellow smoker. Whilst doing him a big favour and it mused him that it appeared they were both secretly allied in trying to work on accidently increasing Rachel's consumption of cigarettes.

It should have been obvious to Rachel that Grant was also trying to get her smoke more was very happy that he had succeeded again after their first evening together at his place, when he had made her smoke some several more from his pack of Marlboro Reds.

She should have noticed that their smoking sessions were now more often four rather three times a week. The period together lasted longer since they both clearly enjoyed the time spent together. His strategy was to wait for Rachel to finish her beer after her first two cigarettes, suggest another bottle which would go well with another cigarette. That extra cigarette would end up being a third one of the evenings before he went home. So, nights in with Grant she found that was smoking more than nights without him. She did not mind the extra cigarette; it was literally just one. Plus, she was wanting to show him, what a great job he had done at getting her smoking looking just right.