Keeping a Kitsune Ch. 04

Finally I'd caught up to the present moment. "So, that's the story. I'm a kidnapper and a rapist, and even though I know I need to set her free, I still want to fuck her. Every time I look at her, I just want to sink myself into her, even though I know it's wrong. I'm a monster."

I took a deep breath, unable to look up at what I was sure would be a look of horror on Aiko's face. I knew I'd ruined my relationship with her – what sort of girl would be friends with a rapist? But I deserved it; I would never face any sort of criminal prosecution because Chiyo wasn't human, but I deserved to be punished for what I'd done. Losing a friend wasn't enough, but it was part of what I deserved. So I was shocked to feel Aiko's hand settle on my shoulder.

"Oh, Jason. Jason, Jason, Jason." She murmured softly to me, her hand stroking my shoulder. I looked up, and the expression on her face wasn't horror and anger; it was compassion.

"Why are you doing this, Aiko? Why aren't you kicking me out of your life? I just told you I'm a rapist, why are you comforting me?"

"I'm not sure. I suppose because I'm your friend. I've known you for a while now, J. Yes, you're kind of an annoying jock stereotype sometimes, but I don't think you're a monster. I wouldn't have been your friend; fuck, I wouldn't have slept with you if you were a monster." She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts, taking her hand off my shoulder. "Yes, you've done something terrible, but I still see my friend when I look at you. And the fact that you're obviously torn up by guilt over it helps a little."

"I don't deserve this. You shouldn't be forgiving me."

"Who says I'm forgiving you? Caring about you doesn't mean I'm not judging you for what you did. And besides, I'm not the one who has anything to forgive – Chiyo's the only person who can forgive you for what you did to her."

"Shit, I don't understand that either. She should hate me for what I did, but she's still so sweet and kind. I think if I asked, she'd be happy to have sex with me again tonight. I don't understand it, but I know I could keep taking advantage of her whenever I wanted to; she can't risk making me mad at her because I'm the only thing standing between her and the rest of the human world."

"Yeah, I think that's another reason I'm not throwing you out of my apartment – what you told me doesn't match up to what I've seen of the two of you together yesterday and tonight. She doesn't act like a rape victim, she acts like your girlfriend."

Aiko sighed and leaned her head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling. I flopped back myself and joined her in studying the ceiling.

"I know. I feel like maybe I could deal with this a little better if everyone around me was judging me as much as I'm judging myself. Chiyo thinks being raped is morally equivalent to eating with silverware instead of her hands, Amy just wants to write a research paper about a Kitsune, the news wants to do a puff piece on me, and you're rubbing my shoulder. Why doesn't anyone else see what I've done?"

Aiko straightened up and faced me. "Hey. Look at me, Jason Wiggins."

I met her eyes. She stared at me pitilessly, the earlier compassion gone for the moment.

"Don't fucking think that I'm not judging you. I admit, I never really thought much about Kitsune before; they're dangerous, we keep them controlled, that's the way I was taught that society works. But even though I've just met her, I think of Chiyo as a friend. And you broke my friend's leg, dragged her into a world that isn't her own, and raped her. Nothing's going to change that."

I gulped and nodded. I'd been telling myself the same thing for days, but it was different hearing it from Aiko. Her face softened slightly as she continued.

"But the reason I think of her as my friend is that you introduced her that way. You told me to treat her as a person – you could have presented her as something dangerous and exotic, and if you'd done that, I honestly don't know how I would have reacted. But you showed me that she's just a girl – a strange girl who definitely isn't human, who's got two really cute tails sprouting over her butt, but a girl nonetheless. You introduced her as a person, and you've been treating her like one when I've been around the two of you. The Jason who trapped and raped her isn't the same Jason who broke down sobbing to me and labeled himself as a rapist."

Aiko reached out and took my hand, her eyes boring into me. "So, if you want some advice from a friend, do what you've been doing. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. You said you're trying to fix things, so keep trying. I said before that Chiyo's the only one who can forgive you, so get out there and earn that forgiveness. You'll never be at peace until you do."

I squeezed her hand in return. "Thanks Aiko. I don't deserve you, but it means a lot. I will keep trying. I should probably get back and work on trying to get her pearl back."

Aiko nodded. "Ok, go do that. And I have one more suggestion, if you want it."

"Sure, I could use any helpful advice I can get."

"I think Chiyo and I should get together for some alone time. I've heard your side of things, and now I want to hear hers. I think she likes me, and it might be good for her to have some time with a human who isn't you, to have someone to talk to that she doesn't have the same history with. I'm working an early shift tomorrow and I'll be home after two, so have her spend the afternoon with me."

I felt a flare of jealousy at the idea of letting my fox spirit out of my sight, but I forced it down. "That makes sense, but it'll be up to her. I'll ask her if she wants to when I get home."

Aiko nodded in agreement. I got up, and she rose to give me a hug before I left. I held onto that hug a little longer than I should have, but I needed it. Even though she'd said she couldn't be the one to forgive me, the fact that she was still willing to be around me meant a lot. Finally I broke the hug and left, thanking her again.

The news lady called again on my ride home. I muted the call as soon as I recognized the number. Fucking vultures.

Chiyo was reading something on the tablet when I walked in. She glanced up and gave me a shy smile when she heard the door open. I locked the door and walked over. She shifted around to clear space and patted the couch next to her, so I settled down beside her.

"Hi little fox. How are you doing?"

Chiyo carefully locked the tablet and set it aside before she answered. "I'm doing fine."

"Are you sure? You seem a little down."

She sighed. "I don't want to complain. You're working hard trying to get my pearl back, and there's nothing you can do about it."

I waited patiently to see if she'd explain. After a moment Chiyo wriggled around to a more comfortable position and continued.

"It's frustrating being cooped up in here. You have a nice apartment, but I'm used to roaming around a whole valley. I know I can't go out because there are all those other humans out there, and I can't really walk that far even with my crutches, but it still sucks being stuck here and . . ." She trailed off.

"And?"

Chiyo blushed. "And the whole apartment smells like you."

I blinked. "Do I smell bad?"

"No! It's not that, it's . . ." she blushed harder, if that was possible. "You smell good. Really good. And smelling you all the time gets me bothered, and I feel this itch and I want to taste you and feel you and, and, I can't believe I'm telling you this."

I moved over a little closer and put my arm around her, tugging her down to lean on my shoulder. "Sorry Chiyo. I guess I've really turned your world upside down the last few days."

She made a small noise of frustration and hugged me back, burying her face in my chest. I rubbed her shoulders gently.

"If it helps, I feel kind of the same way about you. I like the way you smell, the way you look, the way you feel. I want to hold you all the time. I just can't help feeling like I'm taking advantage of you."

"I know. I thought a lot about what we talked about last night, so I'm trying to support you and not push. I don't want you to do anything more that you think is wrong, and I appreciate that you're trying to be a good person. You don't have to worry about me, I'll be okay."

I leaned my head back and stared at the ceiling. I appreciated that Chiyo was trying to make me feel better, but I didn't feel better. It wasn't her fault though; she was in a very alien situation and trying to make the best of it.

I kept gently rubbing her shoulder, and she seemed to like it. She cuddled closer into me and let out a small contented sigh. After a few minutes she broke the silence.

"You smell like Aiko. Did you have sex with her when you took her home?"

I've been on the receiving end of the "did you sleep with another woman?" question more often than most, sometimes justifiably, sometimes not. I'd heard it enough times that I was able to recognize that Chiyo was just asking, not accusing. That was new.

"Um . . . no. I took her by the store so she could buy groceries and then helped her carry them up. Then we made out for a couple of minutes, but we ended up talking instead of having sex."

"That's good."

"Um, how would you feel if we had ended up having sex? Would you have been jealous, or relieved, or something else? I know how most human women would react, but you continually surprise me."

Chiyo shifted slightly while she thought about her response, one hand moving up to play with the collar of my shirt.

"I don't think I'd have been jealous in the way you expect. She's really nice, and I think normally if you wanted to have sex with her that would be cool. But I would feel bad if you had sex with her and you still wouldn't have sex with me. I don't want to be left out. Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. It's weird, but I get it. Well, you don't have to worry about that right now."

We stayed like that for a little longer; Chiyo curled into my chest, one of my hands massaging her shoulder blades, one of her fingers tracing small circles on my collarbone. I knew we both wanted more, but I at least wasn't ready for it.

Chiyo squirmed a little higher on my chest, and I could feel her breath on my neck. I kept very still, and after a moment I felt her tongue dart out to briefly taste my bare skin. I shivered at her touch, my muscles going tense. When a few moments had passed without me saying anything, she did it again, her lips following her tongue this time. She kissed the base of my neck once, twice, and I groaned and tightened my hand on her back into a fist, pulling her back gently with my grip on her blouse. She made a tiny whimpering sound, then sighed and rested her head on my shoulder, accepting that I wasn't willing to go further yet.

I took a deep breath. "Chiyo?"

"Mmhmm?"

"I was thinking, and I'm not sure if I've told you this yet. I'm really sorry for kidnapping you. I wish I hadn't hurt you and yanked you out of your world and into mine."

She straightened up slightly and looked at me, trying to read my expression. I met her gaze, watching her golden eyes move over my face. Apparently whatever she read in my expression was satisfying, because she gave me a small sad smile.

"Thank you for saying that, Jason. I'm not going to pretend this has been something I wanted, but it hasn't been all bad. I think I may have learned a lot more about the world this week than I had the whole rest of my life. And even if I'm frustrated being stuck in here, I've had some fun with you and Aiko. If I ever manage to go home, I don't think I'll be able to completely ignore humans like I did before."

"When."

"When what?"

"When you're able to go home. Not if. We're going to make it happen, I promise."

She smiled a little more at that, and lay down on my shoulder again. "Thanks. I don't know why I believe you when you say that, but I do. If I had to get captured by a human, I'm glad it was you, Jason."

"Thanks, I think."

"You're welcome." She sounded amused.

"Hey. One more thing, before I forget."

"Yes?"

"If you're tired of being cooped up, Aiko was wondering if you might want to go visit her apartment tomorrow. I could drop you off, and the two of you can have some girl time."

"Really? Would I be okay there?"

"Yeah, I'll drop you off and pick you up. You wouldn't have to worry about anything. Would you like to do it?"

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

"Cool. I'll shoot her a text later and let her know."

We stayed like that for a while, just cuddling on the couch. Chiyo didn't try and kiss me again, but we stayed close, taking comfort in the feel of each other's bodies. The little windows high on the walls of my loft eventually went dark as the sun set. At some point, Chiyo fell asleep on my shoulder.

I stayed there for a while until my neck started to cramp. I slid out from under her as gently as I could, but she woke up as I tried to settle her on the couch.

"Mmm. Don't go away."

"It's late, Chiyo. You need to sleep."

"Wanna sleep with you. Sleep better that way." She grabbed my arm and tugged possessively. I should have pulled away, but I couldn't. I slipped down behind her on the couch and Chiyo squirmed around until she settled on top of me with a contented sigh as I tugged the blanket over us. She slipped back into sleep almost instantly, and I surprised myself by following her into slumber quickly. The weight of her on top of me just felt right, warm and comforting. When sleep came, it was dark and dreamless, with no nightmares troubling me.