Kissing Leads To Cooties

Warning. This is completely unfinished and there will be no part two. For those that want blood, that's exactly what happened. For those that want happily ever after, yep, that's what happened. It's just a little something I found myself doing to ease through that lull between boring football games.

Connor Thomas Patrick: "Oh, what a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen."

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Christmas get-togethers. The bane of most families. The one-upmanship of not only the husbands but also the wives. At least these gatherings usually only last from sometime after lunch until bedtime for the little ones.

I've got two little ones. Megan is six and Noah is four. Jana, my wife of eight years, has two sisters and two brothers. All were present along with both sets of parents and my younger brother and his family. None of the kids were older than seven.

My wife takes great pleasure in rubbing our family's success in her sister's faces. I say our family's success but in reality it is my success. I got lucky and licensed a piece of software that allowed me to bank a tidy sum. Certainly not enough to retire on, but nice house, nice cars, and a country club membership. Yes, Jana likes to strut around like she had something to do with it. She married well but my company is out of her reach due to the pre-nup.

Hannah, two years older than Jana, married okay until her husband Bill lost his job. Jana toned it down a bit but not nearly enough. Kara, three years younger than Jana, is already divorced. Hush hush so nobody really knows what went wrong. At least no kids.

I dread the adult conversations especially after the liquor has lubricated their tongues. To combat this I proposed that we have a sing-a-long where we marched up and down our street caroling to any poor souls who opened their doors.

I'd printed out the words to about thirty Christmas standards. With two songs at each house, we wouldn't run out. Hell, even if we repeated, it wouldn't be to the same hapless neighbors.

We set out around four o'clock. It was a huge success. Some gave us ornaments off of their trees and others offered freshly baked pies and cookies that I'm sure were never intended to be given away.

With the banter at each stop, it was just past six when we returned to warm ourselves with hot drinks and blankets.

Jana announced "Dinner will be in about thirty minutes. Load up on the appetizers!"

Megan whispered to me "What are apple beers?"

I covered my mouth "App-eh-ty-zer. That's the carrots, olives, and crackers and all of those plates with cheese."

Megan nodded as if she understood.

My father, John, toasted Jana for suggesting the street caroling.

"Thank you Jana for such a great idea. We'll always remember singing those songs. Let's go around the room and tell us your favorite moment."

Without hesitation Jana's parents started. Nothing unpredictable as one by one each of us was embarrassed. Then it got interesting.

My four year old Noah proudly announced "I liked 'I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause'"

Papa pressed for more info "And why's that Noah?"

"Cause I saw mommy kissing Santa Clause."

Now I've never dressed up as Santa Clause, nor do I have a fluffy white beard, and Jana was looking like she wished a house would fall on her.

Papa hadn't caught on "Now when did you see that Noah?"

"At Megan's school last week."

Kara perked up "Like a peck on his cheek?"

"Nuh uh, like when mommy meets daddy at the airport."

I travel a little and Jana always greets me with a tongue tango full breast press kiss. I turned my questioning eyes towards Jana who was trying unsuccessfully to get up. I'd hooked my thumb in the belt loop on her blue jeans.

Hannah smelled blood "So little sis, did Santa get some tongue?"

"Knock it off Hannah. I'm going to check on dinner" as Jana tried in vain to get up. My firm grasp of her waist stopped her progress.

Kara sneered "Were you a little ho ho ho for Santa?"

Jana was turning bright red "Leave me alone. Let me go Kris!"

I took my shot "I haven't heard you deny what Noah said?"

Jana was getting pissed "I said enough. Let me go!"

Hannah piped up "SIRI, do any of the teacher's at Lincoln Elementary look like Santa Clause?"

In SIRI's monotone reply 'Santa Clause wears a red suit and has a fluffy white beard.'

Kara tried her luck 'SIRI, do any of the teacher's at Lincoln Elementary have a fluffy white beard?'

'Jared Klein teaches first grade' was the monotone reply.

Jana tried to jerk away from me but I had a question or two "So Jana, do you know Jared Klein?"

"I've met all of the first grade teachers."

Noah was raising his hand, having been taught to not interrupt.

"What is it Noah?"

"He helped mommy with daddy's secret golf clubs."

Megan sniped "Noah shhhh. Mommy said the golf clubs are our secret. We didn't get you golf clubs daddy."

"Guess I'll check credit card statements to see when and where that was. I didn't realize they sold golf clubs at Lincoln Elementary."

Jana was digging her fingernails into me trying to escape.

Hannah was loving it 'SIRI, do they sell golf clubs at Lincoln Elementary?'

'The PTA sells clothing' drew some chuckles.

Kara jumped back into the fray "Megan, does Mr. Klein ever visit you at home?"

Jana squeaked as Megan turned on her mother "Only when daddy goes to the airport."

Hannah piled on "So did Santa Clause come down your chimney Ms. Pure as driven snow?"

That's about the time that Jana's parents decided to leave. My parents too.

"Jana, why don't you join your parents? You know, make sure they make it home okay. Spend the night, or maybe longer" I sniped with a little venom.

Hannah had a good idea "I'll grab her cell phone for you Kris. Who knows how much good stuff you can find on it?"

"GIVE ME MY PHONE!" from one very panicked stricken Jana.

Breaking free of my grip Jana lunged at Hannah who threw the phone to Kara. When Jana got close, Kara tossed it to me and I quickly stuffed it in my pants pocket.

When Jana stormed at me I grabbed her arm and twisted it behind her back and then marched her over to her dad and handed her off.

"I think it's best that you take your middle daughter with you."

Jana's mom pleaded "Kris, please don't do anything rash. You two need some alone time to sort through this."

"Well when she decides she can tell the truth, maybe we will. Until then keep her away from me."

Ten minutes later the house was quiet with Megan and Noah eating dinner with me. Everyone else left without eating although some took plates and their offerings with them.

"Mommy left without eating dinner" came from Noah.

"She wanted to help papa and nana get home safely. Besides, she's in time out for lying" was my white lie.

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Epilogue:

Jana had password protected her phone. It was her mother's maiden name with the letters in alphabetical order followed by the digits of her sister's baptism dates in reverse chronological order. It took me two guesses to get it. IT guys on LW are that gifted.

I returned the golf clubs and picked out ones which wouldn't remind me of Jana.

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Happy Holidays to those who need it the most.