tagHumor & SatireKnickers, Rubbers, Arses And Fannys Ch. 02

Knickers, Rubbers, Arses And Fannys Ch. 02


Colloquial English can be colourful if a little confusing for the non UK resident. In this short story I have attempted, in I hope a humorous way, to enlighten those readers who may have been having problems understanding some stories, movies, or TV programmes made by us Brits.

Cheers (Good luck)


Tom and Alec made their way up the street towards the boozer (pub), where they were meeting up with a couple of their mates (friends) for a night out on the pull (pick up some women) and have it large, (have some fun).

"Don't know why I'm going out tonight, I'm totally borasic (financially broke), and I'll be totally gobsmacked (surprised) if we see any women at the club worth it." Tom winged (moaned).

"Don't be such a big girls blouse you pratt (friendly insult), there's bound to be a load of tasty girls (good looking) there just gagging for it tonight (girl up for sex), you won't need any money. I'll lend you some to get in and buy the first round, and a curry later, and then it's up to you to do your thing."

Reaching the pub, Tom a good looking lad in his early twenties and a really diamond geezer (really nice man) pointed over to where his friend Jimmy stood beside a flash set of wheels (car). "Jesus Alec look what that big flash git (friendly insult) has there." And the two men walked across the road to where Jimmy stood smiling. "What you got there you cretin (insult)?" Tom asked.

"What I have here my friend is a real fanny magnet (car that is flash to pull the girls), If I pull tonight and give the bird a lift home in this she should be absofuckinglutely (definitely) up for it."

"So that's your plan?"

"I'll cut one out of the herd in the club, fill her with a couple of glasses of cheap plonk (wine), give her all the chat real proper like, offer her a lift home and Bish Bosh (done deal) its 'give the girl a good shafting' (sex) in the back of the motor, and if she's behaves herself I might just offer to see her again."

"You're all fucking heart Jimmy. You have no respect for the opposite sex." Tom laughed.

"Don't be such a plonker (fool), you know that's what you're going to the club for as well. Find one that's up for it (looking for sex), it's what we're all doing there, it's what every man there tonight is there for..... Unless they're shirt lifters (gay men) that is."

Walking up to the door of the pub where there was a crowd of people standing around drinking Tom noticed a real tasty (good looking) blond wearing a short tight black skirt and top that was just short enough to expose a little of her midrift. "Take a look at her....she's for me."

Jimmy and Alec looked over, "Well she's the best one in that crowd of mingers (unattractive women)."

Alec elbowed Jimmy, "You didn't mention in your plan for tonight whether the girl has to be good looking, just that she's arching for it, (ready to have sex)."

"I have my standards, she has to be at least a little presentable."

Laughing he replied, "Yeah.....two eyes, hair, a big pair of tits and a cunt."

"And a mouth....you have to put your piece of meat (prick) somewhere other than in her muff (cunt) sometimes."

"Like I said you're all fucking heart Jimmy." Tom said and moved closer to the blond.


Mandy noticed the tall lad in the jeans and blue check shirt that was giving her the eye. He was kind of cute with dark curly hair and a sweet smile. Straightening her back a little to thrust out her breasts she exchanged a quick eyeball (glance eye to eye) with him in a flirty way, and then looked back to her friends and giggled.

Tom was just about to walk over and chat her up when there was a loud noise and a crash from inside the pub.

"What the fuck was that?" Jimmy exclaimed, "Sounds like some aggro (fight) is going down inside.


There was a lot of shouting and then a man came running out, chased by two other men.

"Shit looks like a bit of bovver (trouble) here." Alec muttered. "I recognise that fuckwit being chased; it's Brian Ventnor from up Orpington way. Don't know what he's doing on this Manor (area) he's a real toerag (insult) and a complete nutter (crazy)."

Jimmy added as the two men chasing caught up with the man that Alec recognised, and then cornered him, proceeding to give him a good pasting (beat up), "He'll be lucky if he gets away in one fucking piece, that's Roger Martin giving him a good kicking. The man's a real headcase (violent man) and just got out of the nick (prison) after being banged up (inside prison) for GBH (grievous bodily harm). "

Tom started to move forward towards where the man was being beaten up, "Maybe we should help Brian...."

Alec grabbed his arm, "Don't be a muppet (stupid) Tom......leave it out (stop what you're doing) .....don't get involved.....let's go into the pub and get a drink. There's a beer in there with my name on it."

With one last look behind him Tom walked into the pub with his mates just behind the girls. Mandy looked back over her shoulder at Tom, and he felt his belly tighten with anticipation.

Alec leaned over and whispered in Tom's ear. "Looks like you're well in there Tom my man. She's a stunner and she looks interested."

"Lend me a one-er (£100) Alec so I can buy her some drinks.....I'll pay you back on pay day."

Pulling some notes from his pocket he peeled off the one hundred quid and told Tom, "Go for it my son (affectionate term for a male friend)...."


At the club later on Jimmy, fourth pint of the evening in his hand and seeing with beer goggles (seeing with drunken eyes) , stood chatting up this bird with fuzzy dyed blond hair pulled back in a Croydon face lift (hair pulled back so tight in a ponytail it pulls the skin of the forehead up), black roots showing, sharp features and a bad case of acne (zits). He had bought her a couple of Bacardi and Cokes and figured as she was not much of a looker and a dozey mare (woman that's an idiot) she might be desperate and up for it enough so that he could give her a good seeing to (sex) later.

Tom was leaning against the wall chatting with Mandy who turned out to be a trainee teacher and they were getting on really well. Every so often he could feel his eyes drifting down to her curvy cleavage that rose invitingly above her low cut curved neckline of her tight top, and he felt his todger (prick) twitching with anticipation.

Alec who hadn't managed to pull and had been given the bums rush (cold shoulder) by nearly every girl in the club was by now well bladdered (drunk) and feeling morose. Walking up to Tom and interrupting he slurred, "Fucking shit club. All the tarts here are either taken, look like Brass (whores) or arsed faced cows. I'm going for a Jimmy Riddle (pee) and then one more of the amber nectar (larger) and then I'm off down the Indian for a Ruby (Curry)" and he lurched off in the direction of the pisser (toilet).

Jimmy then came over, his arm draped around the shoulder of the slapper (tart) he had pulled and who was by now getting unsteady on her feet due to another couple of Bacardi and Cokes poured down her throat by the desperate Jimmy who was walking around with a Bone on (erection) in anticipation of getting her in the car and getting inside of her. "Where's Jimmy gone?"

"To empty his bladder and then he's going on for a Ruby Murray (curry)."

"Poor sod. Didn't he pull? Never mind Jenny here wouldn't mind a threesome." And he looked down at the girl who was leaning heavily into his side, a stupid grin on her face, "Would you love?"


"Just say yes, and then I'll take you for an Indian up the road. You'd like a nice chicken vindaloo wouldn't you love."

And giggling and holding on to Jimmy as if he might let her go she said, "Yes."

"See," he told Tom, "She's well up for it." And he steered her off looking for Alec to invite him to the party in the backseat of his new car.


Tom and Mandy decided to leave the noise of the club and walk home. Holding hands they walked slowly getting to know each other. Talk was about her training, his job as a mobile phone salesman and what music they liked, favourite TV programmes, films (movies) and the usual stuff.

After a while they saw Jimmy's car drive past them, with Jimmy, Alec and the girl in it.

Mandy asked Tom, "My friend Jenny, she going to be alright with your mates? She's not much of a drinker and looked like she's a little pissed."

"Yeah, Jimmy and Alec are alright......a lot of talk and no trousers (mouthy braggers) but basically ok. Jimmy can be a real prick sometimes but he just Jimmy. You know the type."

"Yeah I know the type.......you're not the type are you?"

"What me?...." and he put his hand on his heart, "No way.......I'm your true blue type (good man). Promise." And he stopped walking, drew her against him and kissed her.

After they came up for air he smiled down at her and said, "You fancy a curry to finish off the evening?"

"Yeah why not." And the two of them walked up the road to the Indian Restaurant where Tom knew Jimmy and Alec would head for later.


In the back seat of the car where Jimmy had parked it in the dark deserted area of an industrial estate the three drunken bodies struggled to fit in to the small space. Arms and legs akimbo they got tangled up as the two men with busy fumbling hands tried to remove Jenny's clothes. Jimmy's right hand delved under her skirt, inside her pants as his other hand snuck up under her bra grabbing her tit, only to find Alec's hand already there. The girls head was back against the seat, her left leg up over Alecs knees, her right arm caught behind Jimmy's torso as he lent half over her.

"I feel sick....." she moaned, "I think I'm going to throw up."

"Not in my new motor you fucking don't." And Jimmy reached behind him to open the door of the car and proceeded to untangle himself and back out, "Come on love....out.....you can barf up (be sick) out here and then we can get on with it."

Pulling on her he managed to get her half out of the car, with Alec behind her grabbing down on her skirt just as she slid out onto the ground. The skirt slid down around her ankles tangling there, and she knelt there where she had landed gagging up some of her drink. Jimmy stood swaying watching as Alec slid out of the car and continued to pull down the girls knickers (panties) exposing her round firm buttocks as she continued to deposit the regurgitated booze (drink) from her mouth.

"Jesus Alec leave it out......the cow is being sick."

But Alec had already positioned himself behind her and was unzipping his flies and letting his semi hard cock out in readiness to fuck her.

"Alec...." Jimmy exclaimed and grabbed his mates shoulder trying to pull him off her, "have you lost the plot you fucker (lost your mind), she's throwing up." And the sound of the girl retching could be heard as her body heaved up the last of the booze. "At least wait until she's finished."

"Fuck it....leave me fucking alone......if you

want a piece of the action take the other end." And Alec plunged into the woman as she knelt there on the hard concrete amongst the discarded fag (cigarette) butts, thrown away rubbish and dirt.

He madly plunged in and out, no finesse, as the girl grunted, her head down, bleached blond hair falling down around her sweat soaked face. Jimmy stood watching as Alec, his face turning a deep red, teeth gritted, eyes closed pumped away madly.

Finally there was a grunt from the kneeling man and he then sat back, leaving the girl still on her knees, white cum dribbling down between her thighs.

Pulling her up from where she knelt, Jimmy looked at her, her face white making the red spots of her acne stand out, sweaty hair sticking to her sweaty face and turned her around to lean over the boot (trunk) of the car. Quickly undoing his own jeans he pushed up her top, pulled down her bra so that her tits hung out over it, and holding on to them with his hands, fingers pinching and squeezing her nipples he plunged his own prick into the already wet from Alec's jizz cunt and banged away.

The girl whimpered under him as she lay pressed against the car. The creak of the car as it rocked on its wheels as the movement of the two bodies pressed against it mingled with her sounds. Jimmy kneed her legs wider, at least as wide as the tangled skirt and knickers would let him, and lifting her hips up took her feet off the ground to get a deeper purchase for his thrusting rod.

Her tits were now pushed against the metal of the car, her pulled down bra squishing them together and high up, her arms flailing as she struggled against the car, and Alec went around to the other side of the car, grabbed them and pulled stretching her out and keeping her still for the frantically fucking Jimmy.

"Cunt, cunt, cunt...." Jimmy chanted in time with each plunge until he shouted, "Yessss...." as he came.


Meanwhile Tom and Mandy sat in the restaurant ordering a butter chicken dish, pilau rice and garlic naan.

"What are you doing tomorrow night then?" Tom asked her as their drinks were being served, "Fancy going and seeing the latest Johnny Depp movie, its showing in the High Street on the Multi Screen."

"Yeah, that would be nice....."

And they smiled at each other, aware of possibilities lying before them.


Alec dragged the conked out (unconscious) Jenny, her top pulled up over her charlies (breasts) which still hung over her pulled down bra, her bottom half of her body naked, one shoe still on, the other laying next to her discarded skirt and knickers where they lay on the ground. "Shit Jimmy, stop fuck-arsing about (fooling about) and give me a hand here, the bitch weighs a fucking ton."

Jimmy came around and helped get her in the car then picked up her clothes and threw them over the passed out girl. "You hungry?.....I'm hungry. Let's go get the food." And the two men got in the front of the car and Jimmy drove off.

"Bitch is a bit nasty to look at but an ok fuck."

"Don't get all romantic on me Alec....the cow was cream crackered (drunk) and didn't even notice what was happening to her."

"Yeah but she's easy and probably be grateful for a quick one every so often.....think I'll take her number and see if she's up for it next Saturday."

"You really are a complete wanker, you know that?"


Pulling up to the restaurant Jimmy looked behind him to the sleeping woman, "We had better wake her up, get her dressed and take her in."

"Nah...leave her be....she can sleep it off." And Alec climbed out of the car and walked towards the restaurant leaving Jimmy sitting there shaking his head before he too climbed out leaving Jenny to sleep off the booze and the fucking in the backseat of Jimmy's babe magnet (car).

Sitting down at the table with Tom and Mandy Alec reached across and nicked (stole) the garlic bread and said with a mouthful of it, "What you ordered? " and raising his hand shouted out, "Oi, you." at the waiter, "over here......hungry man wants to order."

Mandy asked Jimmy, "Where's Jenny?"

"Sleeping off the drink in the car. She'll be alright.......Alec here wants to marry her."

"Leave it out Jimmy......stop arsing about.......you really do talk a load of cobblers (rubbish)." And looking up at the waiter who stood next to the table ready to take the order told him, "I'll have a hot madras and a pint of the cold stuff."


Just a small scene that can be found on a typical Saturday night out to in any UK town.

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