Know Thyself Ch. 08

"I don't know." I can hear the searching in her voice. "You're moving differently."

"Moving?" I say, not looking at her now as I continue to cook.

"Yeah. I don't know what it is."

"It has been a weird couple of months." I say absentmindedly.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right."

It sounds like she drops the issue and I hear her pour herself another glass. We don't exchange anymore words the rest of the time I'm cooking. The whole thing was actually much easier than I thought it was going to be at the very beginning. I dish up two plates and set hers in front of her. I take a seat across from her. She refreshes my glass and then holds hers up to toast.

"To my son," she says.

"To my mom," I say in return, and we clink glasses.

She takes a bite and makes a sound that says she likes it.

"This is delicious, Ben. I didn't know you knew how to make this."

"Something I picked up a while back. Who do you think was cooking for me while I was living on my own?"

"Thank you for this." I catch her eye and she's looking very seriously at me. "This was so sweet of you."

"Of course mom."

We continue to eat and I have to say, I did make an amazing dish. I don't want to sound cocky, but damn I'm good. As I look at my mom I start to think about my parents (Ben's parents) in Ashley's world. The profile picture on her Facebook page in that life had a smile I've never seen on her before.

"Can I ask you something?" I say.

She looks up at me.

"Are you happy, mom?"

She looks at me a moment, sucking up a piece of pasta. "Of course I am," she finally says.

"No really," I continue. "How are you?"

She keeps her eyes on her plate. A long silence passes and for a moment I feel like she's not going to answer.

"Happiness is a complicated thing, Ben."

"Do you think," but I trail off, stopping myself from finishing the question. I'm not sure if it's mean to ask it, especially given the circumstances tonight.

"Do I think what?" She asks.

I shake my head.

"No go ahead," she says. "You can ask me."

I sigh and look her in the eye. "Do you think you'd be happier if you never met dad?"

The look of shock on her face only shows for a split second, but I catch it. She's quick to regain herself. She opens her mouth like she's about to answer but stops. The seconds seem to take hours as I wait for her to answer.

"If I never met your dad," she begins to say, but I cut her off.

"Then you'd never have me, yeah I know. But forget about me. What about you?"

Once again, the silence is thick but I decide I'm not going to say anything until she answers.

She finally does, but her voice is almost a whisper, as if it's coming from somewhere hidden. "Your dad wasn't like this when we first met. I don't know what happened."

I nod. I can tell what her meaning is.

Yes, I would be happier if I never met him.

She can't say it because I'm her son and he's my father, but I understand what she wants to say.

Her hand touches my forearm and she starts to run her finger along my skin. I look up at her, startled.

"You shaved your arm?" She asks me.

I don't say anything. She puts her hand on top of my hand and looks me in the eye.

"What's going on with you Ben? Something's been wrong from the moment you woke up this morning. It feels like something's been wrong with you since you moved back in. Please talk to me."

I look at her and I want to tell her everything but I know I can't. The truth is just too crazy and there's no way I can even prove it.

There is one truth I can tell her though.

But I don't know if I'm ready for that.

She's quick to pick up on my hesitation. "I love you Ben. You can tell me anything. You know that right?"

I nod.

"Then what is it? Please."

I owe her an explanation. If the Fountain Man comes back and I get to return to my life as Ashley, I'll never see her again. Her son will have never existed. I at least owe her a partial explanation. I want her to know who I really am.

I stand up. "Wait here. I'll show you."

"Oh...okay," she says, startled. My sudden movement catching her off guard.

I start to leave the kitchen but turn back to her before I'm gone.

"Just give me a few minutes," I say.

She nods.

I turn and walk to my bedroom and close the door.

She deserves to know she has a daughter, not a son.

I strip down until I'm naked and get my new bra. After slipping it on, I find the box of tissues on my desk and stuff the cups until it looks natural.

Or at least as natural as it's going to be.

I slip on the panties next, and then the dress. After some adjusting with the bra, I look in the mirror.

So far so good.

Next I get the wig. I don't have a vanity mirror so I have to do this standing. I secure the wig to my head, making sure it's perfectly in place. Next is the makeup. This still feels like second nature, so it doesn't take long at all. When I'm done I take a step back and look at myself in the mirror.

Don't forget the heels!

I put the heels on and take one final look.

The lady from the clothing store was right. I look gorgeous.

I open my bedroom door and slowly walk down the hall. My heart is beating out of my chest and suddenly my throat goes dry. I have a moment where I'm about to turn around and go back to my bedroom but my legs keep me moving. When I get around the corner, my mom's back is to me. She's started doing the dishes.

"Hi mom," I say, my high pitched voice returning.

She turns around and her eyes become so wide I feel like her whole face is a giant pupil. She grabs the counter with one hand and leans back on it.

"I don't really know how to say this," I begin, my voice cracking from fear. "So I guess I'll just say it. I'm a girl, mom."

"You're..." She starts but loses her train of thought. "You're a girl?"

I nod. "The truth is, I've never been happy. I've never really loved myself and I've never known why. I've always felt something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. I've recently discovered I've always felt this way because I was living my life as a man, but really deep down, in my heart, I'm a girl. The reason I've always felt something was wrong was because I hadn't accepted who I really was. So here I am. This is me. The real me. This is your daughter."

"My daughter," she says. Though it sounds like a question, I can tell it's more of a statement.

I nod and take a step closer to her, my heels clicking on the tile floor as I enter the kitchen.

"I know this must be a bit of a shock," I say. "But just know, this is a good thing. I'm so much happier now."

"I..." She begins but stutters. "I never knew you were so unhappy."

I smile at her. "Happiness is a complicated thing."

She takes a deep breath but tears start to stream down her face.

"I'm sorry if I've let you down," I say.

"No," she says. She takes a step closer and grabs my hand. "No, you haven't let me down. You've never let me down. I'm just...sad."

"You didn't do anything wrong. You shouldn't be sad, this is how I was born."

"Not because of this, because you were so sad all this time and I had no idea. I'm sorry."

Now I can feel tears start to fall down my face. I'm going to have to redo my makeup before I leave.

"You don't need to say sorry, mom. This had nothing to do with you. You've done everything for me. I just hope you..." I don't know how to finish the question.

"You hope I what?"

"I don't know. Still love me? Accept me?"

"Oh Ben, I always will. You'll always be my beautiful little boy." She stops herself and shakes her head. She smiles at me. "I'm sorry. I mean my beautiful little girl."

We both embrace and hold each other tight.

"I love you, mom," I whisper to her.

"I love you too, Ben."

We let each other go and we both wipe tears from our eyes.

"I need some more wine," she says with a laugh.

My mom and I ended up finishing another bottle. I still don't know where my dad is. Maybe this is a regular thing now? I have no idea since I haven't lived here in so long. I'm glad for it though. Being able to sit in the kitchen with my mom, drinking wine, laughing and being myself was one of the best moments I've ever had in my life. This experience of going back to Ben's life is going to make me really miss my mom, but I now have no doubt that I must return to Ashley. Yes, I'll never get to know my mom as I know her now, but it's clear to me that she's unhappy. My dad and her are not doing well. I even feel sorry for my dad, as weird as that sounds. He's a jerk, but he's a result of a life that's gone horribly wrong. Kind of like mine. They're both happier in Ashley's universe. And yes, for all I know my mom is still unhappy in that life too. It's not like I know her there, and a smiling Facebook profile picture is nothing to go by. I just can't help but think that she's better off in that life than in this one. I'll miss her, but it'll be better for her.

This is all assuming I can return to Ashley's life. I still have no idea where the Fountain Man is.

It's now about eight-thirty at night. My mom is already in her room laying down. She's always been a lightweight. Though then again, so am I (when I'm Ashley). I spent a few minutes touching up my makeup and now it's time to head out for the bar. I would've liked to leave earlier, seeing as how it's probably going to take me an hour to get there, but it's not like I'm on any schedule.

I get to the subway platform just in time to catch the train. It's fairly empty as it usually is this far south in Brooklyn. I take my seat and the train heads out of the station. From the few people that are on this train, I can feel their eyes on me. These looks are different from the ones I get when I'm Ashley. These are judging. And if they're not judging, it's more about seeing the "freak show". You'd think a city as diverse as New York wouldn't be phased by a crossdresser on the subway, but apparently even New Yorkers aren't as open minded as they think.

At least no one is harassing me.

I hold my head high and stare forward. Just another night, like any other, right? That's what I'll keep telling myself. When we get a few stops into Manhattan, the train starts to get a little more crowded. I receive a few double takes and second glances, but nothing too over the top. My biggest concern are my breasts. I hope I stuffed my bra correctly. I've never done it before so I just kind of winged it. It does help that I've actually had breasts and know what they feel like. That's probably a leg up on anyone who's been in my shoes before.

I finally get to my stop in Washington Heights and leave the train. As I make my way above ground, I pull my phone out to find out where exactly I'm going. It's a few blocks from the train but nothing too outrageous. I'm pretty comfortable in heels by now. It does take a little getting used to since my height and center of gravity are a little different in this body.

I certainly hope I don't break one of them!

As I walk down the block I can tell which bar it is. The music can be heard from outside. It sounds like a club but at least there's no rope-line of people waiting to get in. I step through the doors and am bombarded by a wall of loud music and the smell of sweat. It's a fairly small space considering how many people are here. You couldn't tell it's a gay bar if it weren't for the men dancing on the bar. The people in the crowd are a mixture of men and women. Everyone's dancing with everyone. However, men in speedos dancing on the bar gives the nature of the place away.

I make my way through the crowd to the front in hopes of getting a drink. I decide to use this moment to practice my voice again.

"Excuse me....excuse me...excuse...pardon," I say as I maneuver my way through the crowd. I try to adjust my voice with each attempt.

I finally get to the front and it's a few moments before I get the bartender's attention. Directly above me, a muscular man with a flat stomach and dark skin thrusts his pelvis around. The large bulge in his speedo is a sight that's difficult to take your eyes off of. I stare up at his bulge for a few moments and he eventually catches my attention. He blows me a kiss and I feel a tingle ripple through my whole body. That's when I realize there's something I didn't anticipate tonight.

What happens if I get an erection while in this dress?

I wonder if it'll show? That'll be embarrassing, walking around with a boner making a tent of my dress. The thought of it immediately ruins any feeling of pleasure I had and the threat of erection is gone. The bartender finally looks my way.

"What'll it be?" He asks me.

"Jack and Coke."

He nods and disappears again. I look back up at the gorgeous man dancing above me. He gets on his knees to allow a boy at the bar to put a dollar bill in his speedo. As the boy puts the bill in with one hand, he uses his other to feel the length of the dancer's cock. He guy is pretty big.

"Would you like to start a tab?" The bartender says, holding my drink out to me.

I nod, flustered from losing track of what I was doing. I fumble in my purse for my credit card and hand it to him. I take my drink and make my way away from the bar. There are some seats in the back left but of course they're all taken at this point. There's a dance floor directly across from the seats. I notice some room to stand on the other side of the bar, closer to the entrance. I have no intention of dancing in these heels. If I make it back home without breaking them, I'll be happy. There's probably a small chance of it happening, but why risk it on my first night out.

I head back in the direction I came and go to the left of the bar, staying clear of the entrance. That's when I see her. She's standing by herself, almost detached from the excitement. She's looking up at the dancers on top of the bar with a mild interest.

It's Wendy.

What is she doing here? How did she get in? She's only eighteen. That's when I notice she doesn't have a drink in her hand. I walk up to her and she glances my way a few steps before I get there.

"Hi," I say with a smile. "How are you?"

She nods. "Good, and yourself?"

"Fine. I just got here."

"Me too. Maybe like fifteen minutes ago."

I nod to the dancers on the bar. "Why are you so far away from the action?"

She shrugs. "It's not really my thing. How about you?"

"Too loud," I say.

She laughs and nods at that. "Yeah seriously!" She gives me a long look as if she recognizes me. "Do I know you?"

"Maybe."

She stares at me another moment and I decide to help her out.

"Starbucks, earlier today. You handed me a pitcher of milk."

The recognition hits her. "Oh! Right. Ben, wasn't it?"

I can't hide the surprise on my face. "Wow, you remembered."

"Well you knew about my butterfly pendon, which was weird."

"Yeah, sorry about that. Just a lucky guess at the wrong time."

She smiles and holds her hand out. "I'm Wendy." She raises her eyebrows. "And what may I call you?"

I smile back. She's just as lovely in this life as the other. "Ashley," I say as I shake her hand.

"It's nice to meet you Ashley."

"Do you come here a lot?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "I live near here. It's kind of my only refuge."

Now I'm the one with the raised eyebrows. "What does that mean?"

"Well, you should know. Do you live full-time as a woman?"

I shake my head.

"Then you understand not being able to tell people who you really are."

"You're in the closet?"

She huffs an air of laughter. "That's such an old school term. I'm not out."

"Oh I'm sorry. Did I just date myself?"

"Little bit."

We both laugh and I catch her staring at me for a second longer than expected.

"How come you're not out?" I ask her.

"I don't know," she says, going inward. "I guess I just never had anyone I could open up to like that. My friends are all kind of surface people, you know?"

I nod.

"They're all kind of closed minded," she adds. She's quiet for a moment, looking down at her feet, then springs back to life. "You look beautiful, by the way."

"Thank you!" It's almost a squeak as I try to hold the high pitched voice. "That's so nice of you to say. I don't get that very often."

"Well you should."

"You're very beautiful yourself."

"Thanks."

"How come you don't have a drink?" I ask her.

She waves off the bar. "Ah, whatever. I don't need one."

"Do you want one? I have a tab open."

She hesitates for a moment. I lean in closer and whisper in her ear.

"If you can't legally drink, I don't mind buying you one."

"I have a fake ID, thank you very much. But sure, I'll take a drink."

"Let me guess," I say. "Manhattan?"

She looks at me suspiciously. "Yeah," she admits.

"I'm very good at reading people," I say with a smile.

Before she can ask any questions, I turn around and go back to the bar. After a couple minutes I come back with her drink and a second one for me. I forgot that it's going to take a little more liquor for me now that I'm in Ben's body.

I go back to her and we start chatting the night away. She tells me all about Starbucks and her experiences in high school. It's too bad most of this information will be different in Ashley's life. This would've been a good way to learn more about Wendy.

"So you've never told anyone that you're a lesbian?" I ask her.

"No, never."

"How come?"

"You know, all those stupid reasons. I was afraid. No one else was out so I didn't know who to trust."

"So you've never done anything with a girl before?"

She shakes her head. "No."

"Even kissed?"

She looks at me lamely. "Nothing."

Well I guess her Facebook status earlier this morning makes more sense now.

"Does anyone know you're a crossdresser?" She asks me.

"I'm not a crossdresser," I tell her sternly.

"Then what are you?"

"I'm a woman and I dress as such. I just don't have all the same parts you do. Yet."

That piques her interest. "Are you going to do gender reassignment surgery?"

"Hopefully. Sort of."

The music stops for a moment and both our attention is broken. Everyone looks in what I'm assuming is the DJ's direction. After a few moments, the music picks up again. The moment of quiet was a brief respite from the hammering bass. I glance back at her and she looks right back at me.

"Come on," I say. "What's the real reason you've never told anyone? I have a feeling you're the kind of girl who isn't shy about who she is."

I see her falter for a second. I can tell she's deciding on something. She looks back up at me.

"It sounds kind of stupid."

"Nothing sounds stupid to me."

She nods and takes a drink.

"My whole life I've wanted something that I thought I wouldn't be able to have," she says.

"And what's that?"

"Marriage."

It takes me back a moment. I've never heard her talk about this.

"My parents," she continues. "I've always grown up around two people who are really in love. I've always wanted what they have. They're so beautiful together. When I first hit puberty I started to come to the realization that I was a lesbian. I just knew. I always knew. I was never into boys when I was younger. My friends would talk about them all the time and it just never did anything to me. And my whole life, I always thought I had to make a choice. I could either be a lesbian or be married. I couldn't have both. Until recently. You know?"

I nod.

"Gay marriage is legal now," she continues. "I can be a lesbian and be married. I've tried to deny that I was attracted to women for so long and now I can finally accept it. I know this sounds stupid but it's just something that's always been important to me."