Kyle the Eproctophile

It is a commonly held misconception that vicars only have to work on Sundays. Most vicars in fact work at least six days a week, and a lot of them work seven. Kyle was entitled to one day off a week, a Thursday, a day of rest, time to take stock and recuperate before the usual round of weekend services: Friday communion, weddings on Saturday, and then Sunday morning and evening services. But even on some of his Thursdays off, Kyle found himself attending to church business, or studying, or writing sermons, or visiting the poor and sick. On this particular Thursday, Kyle had got up early, and after a vigorous workout, he was busy in his office at the vicarage. He had made himself a cafetière of coffee, which he drank black with a large shot of rum poured into it. This was his usual morning pick-me-up when he was sat at his desk in the office. He took the cheque book for the church's bank account from his desk drawer. He was planning to distribute some funds to the poor, but he needed to get the funds first. He wrote out a cheque payable to cash for £850. Fortunately, the cheque mandate the church had with the bank allowed the vicar to sign cheques under £1,000 by himself. Anything over that amount had to be countersigned by the treasurer. But Kyle wanted to keep this giving secret, he did not want the left hand to know what the right was doing.

After writing out the cheque, he searched through the desk drawer until he found a business card. The business card bore a single word: "Mayfair", a phone number, and a silhouette image of a shapely lady. He took another sip of his spiked coffee, picked up the phone and dialled the number from the card. It took a long time for his call to be answered, but eventually he got through.

"Hello?" said a lady's voice in a breathy tone.

"Good morning," said Kyle. "Can you tell me who is working there today, please?"

"Today we are joined by Stephanie, Nicola and Chloe," replied the lady.

"Ah, OK. Who is Chloe? I don't think I've seen her before."

"Chloe is twenty-two years old. She is blonde, bubbly and busty. Would you like to book an appointment with one of our ladies?"

"I want all three," said Kyle. "And I'll pay well as well. I want the place to myself from three in the afternoon until six o'clock. I'll give each girl £250. How does that sound?"

"That sounds fine," purred the lady on the other end of the phone. "Stephanie, Nicola and Chloe, from three until six, £750."

"And I want the place to myself, I don't want us being interrupted."

"Of course, that won't be a problem."

"And another thing. I want the girls to be well fed before I get there. If they order a takeaway for lunch and give me the receipt I will pay you back for it. Get a curry or something. Just make sure you are all well fed."

"That's very generous of you. Have you been to visit us before?"

"Yes, a few times."

"What is your name, sir?"

"Matthew," said Kyle.

"Matthew," purred the lady. "OK Matthew, you're all booked in for three. We shall look forward to seeing you then."

After finishing the phone call, Kyle went to the kitchen and cooked himself some bacon and eggs for breakfast. He was still wearing the shorts and t-shirt he had worn to workout. He poured himself another cup of coffee to have with his breakfast, and poured more rum into the coffee. After breakfast, he showered and dressed. As it was his day off, he did not wear his dog collar. He put on chinos and an open necked checked shirt. As it was going to be a sunny day, he took a baseball cap and sunglasses from his wardrobe. These would also help to obscure his identity from his parishioners, he hated being recognised on his day off.

After finishing dressing, Kyle fetched the cheque from the office and then set off for the bank. The sun was shining brightly, there was not a cloud to be seen in the sky. He was feeling cheerful, and looking forward to the opportunity he was going to have to distribute his aid to some fallen women who were in desperate need of it. He walked to the bank, which was on the high street that was on the other side of the park from the vicarage and the church.

There was a queue in the bank, but this did not bother Kyle. He was a patient man and he was in no great hurry. Also, the young lady in the queue in front of him was wearing very tight jeans and she had an incredibly pulchritudinous arse. Wearing his sunglasses, so no-one could be sure where he was looking, Kyle spent most of the ten minute wait in the queue staring at that arse. At one point, he thought it would be nice to be able to see the young lady's boobs as well. As luck would have it, at that very moment she happened to drop the wadge of papers she had been holding, and they spilled out on the floor around her. As she bent down to gather the papers up, Kyle was afforded a very pleasing view down her top and in between her large but firm-looking breasts.

When he was approaching the front of the queue, he could see that there were two cashiers serving behind the counter: a girl in her early twenties with curly red hair, freckles and glasses, and an old sour faced harridan in her fifties or sixties. "I hope I'm served by the girl," thought Kyle. It must have been his lucky day, because the young lady in front of him with the stack of papers and the nice bum and tits went to be served by the old harridan, leaving the cute girl to serve Kyle.

The cashier felt a little nervous as Kyle approached. He was a big man, and his enormous bushy beard, sunglasses and baseball cap looked like they might be a disguise. She thought he might be there to rob the bank. For a moment, she thought the piece of paper he held was going to be a note, demanding a bag full of money and no funny business. She even thought she saw the outline of a pistol tucked in his waistband. So she was incredibly relieved to see that it was a cheque that he placed on the counter.

"Good morning, sir," she greeted him. He imagined her sat on the toilet with a bad case of diarrhoea, her watery shit exploding out of her bum and pouring into the bowl.

"Hello," he grinned at her. "I would like to cash this please." He studied the cashier's pretty face, the freckles on her nose and the big blue eyes behind the lenses of her spectacles. She was young, this must be her first job. He wondered what her bum looked like. Then, he wondered what her bum hole looked like. Unfortunately, she was sat down and fully clothed, so he could not see. He handed her the cheque and she picked it up and studied it.

"£850 cash," she said. "How would you like that?"

The bank uniform was not flatteringly cut, Kyle thought as he stared at the girl's chest. She probably had a nice pert little pair of titties but they were hidden away.

"In fifties, if you have them," said Kyle.

The girl opened the drawer and looked in it. "I'll just need to go and get some," she said. "One moment please." And then she got up from her chair and walked to the door behind the counter, giving Kyle a very nice view of her little arse wiggling cheekily as she walked away, the polyester of the skirt of her uniform tight around her pretty little bum.

The girl disappeared from view and Kyle looked over at her colleague who was sat at the next counter, the sour faced old harridan he had noticed earlier. She was apparently going through an account application with the young lady with the nice bum and tits. Kyle stared at the old harridan and her enormous bust. He imagined ripping her blouse open to bare her flabby breasts. He imagined pulling down his trousers and farting on those fat breasts and making the old harridan cry, while everyone else in the bank watched and applauded. The harridan noticed he was staring at her and looked over at him. Kyle grinned at her, and she smiled pleasantly then went back to talking through the account application with the young lady.

The girl with the red hair and the freckles returned to the counter holding a bundle of fifty pound notes. She broke the paper band that was wrapped around them and dropped it into the waste paper basket, then sat down and began counting out the money for the vicar's cheque. Kyle watched her nimble little hands while she worked, her finger nails were painted pink. He imagined her sticking her index finger up his bum hole, then pulling it out and sniffing it.

She finished counting out the money and slid it across the counter to him. Kyle took the money and thanked the young girl with a grin. She smiled back at him and wished him a pleasant rest of the day and he imagined cumming on her glasses. As he came out of the entrance of the bank, a young woman with long blonde hair was riding by on a bicycle. The way she was hunched over to ride the bike, and the lowcut top she was wearing, gave Kyle a lovely view of her jiggling jugs as she cycled by. She smiled at him and he grinned back, then as she passed by him he turned to look at her big round bum on the saddle of the bicycle as she rode away. Her shorts were pulled down at the back, showing the very top of her arse crack.

He went for lunch at a pub in the town centre, the Royal Oak. He was not overly concerned about being recognised, most of the members of his church were much too stuck-up to be seen in a cheap pub on a Thursday lunchtime. He ordered a cheese ploughman's and a pint of lager. He enjoyed the beer and the food, both were excellent and very reasonably priced. He particularly enjoyed the pickled egg, so he ordered another pint of lager and another pickled egg to have after he had finished his lunch.

After leaving the pub, he still had a bit of time to kill before his appointment at Mayfair, so he bought a couple of cans of lager from a corner shop and went and sat on a bench next to the canal to drink them in the sunshine. Some joggers passed by as he sat drinking. He was particularly interested to see the sweat patch that had formed on the back of one young lady's running shorts, just at the bottom of where her cleft was. He finished one can and then opened the other. He was starting to feel a little bit tiddly, probably due to too much sunshine. He drank the second can as he walked along the canal tow-path. He was heading for the Clydemoore Estate, the rough end of town. Mayfair, the town's only massage parlour, was located there.

The brothel was situated in a large detached house next to a rank of shops. He checked his watch, then went into an off-licence. He bought a crate of strong lager, a three litre bottle of Coke and a litre bottle of vodka. He took his purchases and went and knocked on the door of the brothel.

The door was answered by a tall, elegant lady with long auburn hair, who called herself Nicola. Kyle was well acquainted with her from previous visits to this brothel. She greeted him with a purred "Hello, Matthew," and showed him into the bawdy house. Nicola turned off the neon sign that read "Open" and locked the front door. He said to Nicola that he wanted to put the drinks in the fridge, and she showed him into the kitchen. She helped him to put the beers and the bottles in the fridge, and he took one can of lager and opened it and took a swig.

"Do you want one of these?" he offered.

"I'll have a vodka in a minute. I'll take you through to see the other girls first. And perhaps we could sort out the payment before we go any further?"

Nicola wore red lingerie; a lacy bra and panties, stockings and suspenders. She was almost as tall as Kyle with her high heeled shoes on. She was a statuesque beauty, with pale skin and curvy, strong looking legs.

"Here is £750," said Kyle, counting out fifteen of the notes from the wadge in his wallet. "And how much was lunch?"

"Forty something. We had Mexican food delivered."

"Here you go." He took another fifty from his wallet and handed it to Nicola. The money promptly vanished.

"I'll show you into the living room to meet the other girls," said Nicola.

Stephanie and Chloe were sat on sofas in the living room, watching TV together and chatting. When Stephanie saw Kyle come into the room, she switched the TV off and greeted him cheerfully, "Oh hello, you."

Kyle had met Stephanie a couple of times before, he had been serviced by her when Nicola had not been available. She was understanding of his proclivities. She was a short, petite lady with curly dark hair and tanned skin. Her most prominent features were her very large, very round boobs. Unnaturally large and round. Kyle had had the pleasure of squeezing those boobs on a few occasions, and he had been able to feel the silicone implants inside them, and see the surgery scars underneath them. Stephanie wore a set of lingerie almost identical to Nicola's, except hers was black rather than red.

Kyle grinned at Stephanie and said "hi" and then looked over at the other girl sat on the other sofa. She had masses of long blonde hair hanging down around her shoulders. She was younger than the other two girls. She was plump in a way that Kyle found charming. And she had the most enormous pair of boobs, even bigger than Stephanie's silicone pair. This was Chloe. She was wearing the same lacy lingerie that seemed to be the uniform for the women who worked in this brothel, hers was white. Kyle took his sunglasses off to be able to better see the cleavage that Chloe proudly displayed. He gawped at her, he had not seen a girl this beautiful in a long time. Chloe gazed back at Kyle with a vague look of boredom on her pretty face. Her blue eyes sparkled at him.

"Hello, what is your name?" he said, his voice sounding deep and rumbling. He knew her name already, he remembered it from the phone call that morning, but he wanted to hear her say it.

"I am Chloe," she said, and pouted at him.

The introductions over, Kyle took a seat on the sofa next to Chloe. Nicola went to the kitchen to get them all a drink. She poured vodka and coke into glasses for the three girls and fetched another beer for Kyle. She also brought in a small blackboard from the kitchen and propped it up by the TV.

Kyle could not take his eyes off of Chloe's breasts while he talked to her. He asked her about herself and she did her best to be charming without giving too much away. She had not been a prostitute for long and she could not decide if she enjoyed the attention from all of these creepy men. And Kyle seemed very creepy to her. Stephanie interjected in the conversation too, but Kyle was not too interested in what she had to say, having decided he had fallen in love with Chloe. Stephanie said that the reason that Chloe was working was that she was saving up money to have a breast reduction. She said that Chloe couldn't get the operation done on the NHS because her back pain wasn't bad enough yet. Kyle was very sympathetic to Chloe, saying back pain was a terrible thing, but pleaded for her to not have the operation, saying it would be such a shame to ruin such a fine, big pair of breasts.

The girls stripped off for Kyle and he spent some time staring at their nakedness. First they took off their bras and showed him their tits, then one by one they took off their knickers and bent over in front of him, parting their buttocks to show their arseholes to him. Chloe's arsehole was pink, Nicola's was light brown and Stephanie's was dark brown. Stephanie had the biggest looking arsehole of the three girls.

When all four of them were sat on the sofas, sipping their drinks, Kyle fully clothed and the three girls naked, Nicola announced "OK, shall we begin, then? Matthew has very kindly come here today to act as judge in the competition we are going to have. A competition to decide which of the girls of Mayfair is the best farter!"

Kyle sniggered and the other two girls cheered sarcastically.

"We are going to have three rounds initially, and if there is a tie after three we will go to the bonus round. Matthew is going to score each fart from each girl. The girl with the highest score wins. Simple!"

The girls cheered again. Kyle laughed into his beer can.

"OK, the first round is, 'who can fart the loudest?'" giggled Nicola. "Now, we all know, that farts sound louder when you are sat on a hard surface." She reached over and patted Kyle on the chest with her hand. "And what surface could be nicer to sit on than a big strong man's chest?" The girls cooed. "So Matthew, if you would like to take your shirt off and lie down, we can begin the first round."

Kyle took another mouthful of his beer then put it on the glass topped coffee table. He stood up from the sofa, and said "Before we begin, I'm going to close this window. To help with the atmosphere."

He closed the window that had been opened to air out the house after the girls had eaten their food earlier.

"Yes, good idea," said Nicola. "I'll close the door, too. I have a feeling that it's going to be rather smelly in here by the time we finish."

Kyle took his hat and shirt off and stretched out on his back on the sofa. Stephanie said she would go first, she said she was desperate to fart as she had been holding it in all afternoon. She clambered up on top of the sofa, and stood over him, facing away from his head. Kyle looked up with admiration at her shapely bum. Stephanie spent a lot of her free time in the gym, and her exercise routine had given her a well toned pair of glutes. She squatted down on top of him, lowering her bum down until it was pressing against his bare chest, her arse crack in line with his solar plexus. Kyle felt a twinge of excitement as he felt her well-formed behind resting against him. Stephanie tensed her body for a moment, then a thunderous fart boomed out of her and reverberated against his chest. The other two girls shrieked and then giggled.

Stephanie grunted, "Ooh, that feels better." She was lent forward when she farted, so the gases she produced wafted back from her towards Kyle's face, the foul odour reaching his flaring nostrils a few moments after he heard and felt the fart.

Steph got off Kyle and climbed down from the sofa.

"Very impressive, I'm going to score that an eight," said Kyle, feeling his cock starting to grow stiff in his trousers.

Nicola wrote an eight under Stephanie's initial on the chalkboard, then said to Chloe "Do you want to go next, or can I?"

"You go," said Chloe.

Nicola took another gulp of vodka and coke, then went and sat on Kyle's chest. She shifted around, dragging her cheeks apart so she could feel the hairs of his chest tickling her arsehole. She squeezed off three farts like gunshots in quick succession, Kyle grunted as he felt the impact of each one against his chest.

Nicola looked over her shoulder and grinned at him. "How did I do?"

"Yes, very good. I enjoyed that as much as Steph's, so I'm giving you an eight as well."

Nicola stood up and went to the black board to record her score, then said, "Come on Chloe, your turn now."

The young lady stood up from the sofa and came over to where Kyle was led.

"Before you take your turn, would you like to sniff my chest?" asked Kyle, indicating the spot the other two girls had farted on.

"Um no, that's OK," said Chloe.

"Come on," said Nicola. "If our guest wants you to sniff his chest you can do that." She grabbed the back of Chloe's head and forced her face down until her nose made contact with Kyle's hairy chest. Chloe yelped. "Come on," said Nicola. "Have a good sniff." Unenthusiastically, Chloe sniffed his chest.

"Ugh, that smells rank!" she spat. The other two girls laughed. Nicola let go of Chloe who was struggling to be released. Kyle unzipped his flies and pulled his cock out, it was fully erect now making it uncomfortable to keep it in his trousers.

Chloe stepped up onto the sofa and lowered her pink bum onto Kyle's chest.

"Why is your arse so pink?" Kyle asked her gruffly. Stephanie giggled.

"No reason," said Chloe sharply.