Lament Ch. 01

"The letter says that there were four tests. All said the same thing. And the tests are all there at the back, dated from a couple of years ago. What, you think that Olive was an immaculate conception? I'm not bright Cheryl, but I'm not dumb. James had doubts, and he checked, he checked them really thoroughly. And his doubts were justified.

"Look," he reached over to Cheryl, patting her heavily on the arm, as though he were patting a large dog. It was ponderous, and crude, but there was love in the gesture, and a half-smile on his lips. "People cheat all the time. It happens." At this, Cheryl flinched and looked down at her feet. "It's not great that it happens, but it does. This has had a pretty big fallout, and I feel for Nikki, I do. But what about James? Seems that he's known for a couple of years now that not only has his wife cheated, but she robbed him of a child."

"Olive is his daughter!" I yelled out. "I don't care what the tests say."

"But she's not, at least not biologically. And that matters to James. It matters to most men. It would matter to me as well if I were in his shoes." He shrugged, I don't know if it were to show apathy to my situation, or that he was genuinely at a loss for further words.

I bawled again. It seemed to be my only skill now. But the tears were mostly dried up, and instead, I just made a strange gasping, sucking sound, as I began to hyper-ventilate, the pain that wracked my chest and abdomen was intense. I had cried so much that my insides were in agony, just like my heart.

My phone suddenly rang. It was Olive's ringtone. I thought about letting it go to voicemail. This was more pain that I didn't want to deal with. But Cheryl handed it to me. "Speak to her," she whispered, glaring at her husband, and mouthing "callous bastard," at him.

I fumbled for the phone, barely answering it in time before it cut to the answering service. Cheryl and Mattias rose to leave, but I waved them back down to sit thinking that I might need them if this did not go well.

"Hello."

My voice was weak, trembling with fear and anticipation of what was to come.

"Hi Mum."

Juxtaposed to my misery, her voice had an upbeat inflection.

"Has he left?"

The question hung in the air, in my mind. "Has he left?" She knew? My daughter knew? What? How? Why?

"What?"

My voice was meek.

"He has left now, I assume. That's why Cheryl called earlier and left a message for me to call? He told me last week that he was pulling the pin." Now her voice dropped, there was sadness, deep sadness. "He told me why."

"Why?"

"I am not his daughter." She sighed. "You slept with someone and I'm not his daughter. He's known for years. He tried to keep it inside, but couldn't, not any longer. He told me that when he found out, I wasn't yet sixteen. He said that he wasn't going to, couldn't, leave before the HSC. So he stuck around, waited until after I finished school and now, he's gone."

"But,".... my voice trailed off, it cracked, I could barely speak, barely make a sound. "Why?"

Olive choked a bit and I could tell that, although she was being brave, this was hard on her too. Her earlier happy tones now long gone and only a quiet, reserved heartache remained. "He said it wasn't my fault and he didn't want to cause me problems whilst I was still at school. So, he waited it out until I had finished. Then, when he found out I was heading to Brisbane for a holiday with some friends, he said it was the right time to cut his losses."

She started to cry..

"I'm sorry mum. But you cheated on him. I mean, without that I'd not be here so I guess I'm grateful, but still, what did you expect? I'll come back for you, if you want. But I've lost a father the same as you have lost a husband, and I needed to be here, with friends to try and remove the pain. He's gone from my life too. He told me, he won't see either of us ever again."

"But I never cheat...."

I began, but gave up. What would the point be? How could I prove anything? The proof was in the paternity tests, and all four said that I had.

There was silence on the phone that lingered, uncomfortably so. Seconds drew together into minutes, nobody said anything, I could hear Olive get her anguish under control, and soon the only sound was Mattias' uncouth chewing.

"Mum?"

Olive was quiet, pensive.

"Mum? Don't do anything stupid. He said he wasn't taking much, he was going to leave you with almost everything. You can get through this. Mum?" Her voice started to increase in desperation. I wasn't speaking and it was clear that my silence was having an effect upon her, causing her distress.

"Mum?"

"I'm here baby, I'm here." I whispered back.

"Mum. Tell me the truth. Did you cheat on dad?"

"No." My response was quick, and firm.

"Mum? This isn't the time for games." Her voice had a raised edge to it. "Did you ever have sex with anyone, or did anyone ever have sex with you? No love, no affair, no anything like that. Mum, did anyone else ever stick their dick in you?" The coarse words of my daughter startled me.

I went to answer, but something made me stop, no, that couldn't be it? I had never cheated on James, or had I?

"Once." I finally admitted. "But... But I didn't, I didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. And when I realised what was happening, I pushed him off." I looked down at my feet. "It was a work colleague's fiance, and we were all drunk. I think he thought I was his girlfriend. He called me by her name."

Everything stood still around me as I cast my mind back so long ago, dredging up memories that I had buried deep.

"And just as Brendan thought I was Amy, I thought he was your father. It only lasted a minute or so before we, before I realised. And I told him to get off me, pushed him off me, I, I... it can't be that. It couldn't be that. It doesn't count. He never came."

I had never told James about the time that Brendan got me naked and pushed inside me, it had happened so long ago. We'd been married less than a year and were out drinking with some friends. We were still young and loose back then, going out until late, with hardly a care in the world. It was the early hours of the morning and we'd caught a taxi back to their flat. Everything was a blur of alcohol. James and I were going to crash on their couch. Next thing I know, James was mounting me, but when I heard him say "I love you Amy," I realised what had happened. It was Brendan, and not James who was in me. He had thrust a few times, and a few more before I managed to disengage. Amy, Brendan and I had laughed about it days later, after Brendan felt guilty and confessed to her. But I had never told James. I wanted to, but something always stopped me from being honest about that one incident.

I gasped at the realisation. I never counted it as cheating, because it was an honest mistake and it had lasted such a short time. He hadn't even come, or at least I didn't think he did. It was an awkward, drunk, mistaken identity. Had it now cost me my husband at the price of my daughter being conceived?

"Mum?" Her one word question was full of doubts. I could hear them, they were in my mind as well.

"That's the only time, I swear." It was. I had never wanted another man, never needed another man. Even when we were at our lowest, obviously after he had discovered the horrible truth, I still had loved him. I would still love him. "I guess I have to track Brendan down, get a paternity test to discover the truth, and hope that we can find your father and get him to listen."

I hadn't heard from Brendan or Amy in years. I didn't even know if they were still together, or if either or both were even still alive.

"I believe you," Olive's words were a blessing in my otherwise bleak existence. "I love you mum. I will be home in a couple days, unless, unless you need me to come back?"

I shook my head, though she couldn't see it. "No baby. You're right, you need time as well. We don't both need to be miserable."

"But I am," her words cut me deeply. "I am miserable. Dad, I mean James, he, I....."

"No, he is still your dad," I countered with as firm a voice as I could muster, though it sounded weak and insipid to my own ears.

"Dad is gone. I miss him."

"I know, baby. I know." I tried not to cry. This was bigger than me, I had to try and be strong for my daughter as well, even though I was devastated. "Be with your friends. Be careful."

We exchanged farewells with many an 'I love you', and then she was gone. Cheryl took the phone from my trembling hand and handed me a glass of water which I merely nursed on my lap, staring at it as though willing my husband to materialize from its surface.

"We have a plan then," Cheryl said with a confidence that I was sorely lacking, "we find this Brendan guy." She'd heard my side of the conversation and my admission to being with him, even short though it was. "We find him, we find his girlfriend, we find the truth. James will listen."

Mattias merely sat there watching, before almost imperceptibly shaking his head. I could read his voiceless response. I was going to lose.