Lamplight

"What time is it..." I mumbled.

"Quarter to six, lover."

"Oh God..." I moaned. "That's still night time, Julie..."

"For you, maybe, miss fancy pants. But for poor little working girl me, this is prime commuting time. Ugh. I didn't plan ahead. I've got nothing with me. Last night ruined my knickers; you had me so wet the whole time..."

"Take some of mine," I managed past my sleep-touselled fringe. "We're not... that far apart in size. They'll fit."

"Ooh, can I dig through your underwear then?"

I laughed at her wicked little grin. "Sure. Find something you like." I waved an arm vaguely towards my battered IKEA dresser. "Top drawer, left hand side."

She slipped out of bed; I swallowed hard at the lovely curves of her body in the half-light. She heard the noise I made and turned to smile down at me. "Like the view?"

"Love it so much," I answered. I lifted myself onto my arms so it wasn't obstructed by the pillow and duvet.

"I like my body," she admitted. "I'm lucky; many girls I grew up with had self-worth issues. My elder sister kept me on the good path."

"Oh... you have a sister?"

"Yeah, she's not that much older but she still loves to be the oldest," she said with a soft laugh. "I don't see her as much as I'd like. Oh. Oh, Cat... um..."

She held up a pair of pink lace briefs that I'd bought because of the cute red bow. "These are adorable. May I?"

"Of course," I said, amused. Clearly she liked pink. I filed that titbit away.

She lifted a leg and stepped into the briefs, then eased them up and into place. I sighed as her wonderful lips disappeared from view.

"These feel nice against my skin," she said. "Extra nice given that I know they're yours."

"They look great on you," I agreed. I yawned and slipped my legs out from under the thin duvet, shivering in the chill. Soon I'd need to turn the thermostat up - soon, but not yet.

"Here," she said, as she wrapped my dressing gown around me. I was briefly distracted by her nipples; she laughed and pulled back as I tongued the nearest.

"Stop that," she giggled. "Or I'll get ideas and then the day will be over for us both."

"Oh, no, heaven protect us..."

She smiled as she slipped into her bra. "Do me up?" she said, so of course I obliged, in love with the way she was so uncomplicated around me. She quickly slipped into her jeans, shooting me an amused look as I sighed again (more theatrically this time).

"Oh you," she said. She leaned forward, planted a gentle kiss on my lips, and then scooped up her shirt and wriggled into it.

"Can't I make you breakfast or something?" I said, disappointed that my time with her was at an end and angling for any possible way to extend it.

"I really wish you could, but I need to get moving. Next time I'll plan better, okay?"

She picked up her black briefs and eyed them, then made a face. "Guess I'd better tuck these into a pocket until I can deal..."

"I'll wash them for you," I said, suddenly.

"Are you sure?"

"I've got a load to do anyway, so I'll put them in with mine and give them back next time I see you. Just drop them where they were," I added. "I'll clean up later. So... not even time for tea?"

"No," she said sadly. "It's one of our busy times."

"Oh. Can... can I at least walk you down?"

"I'd like that," she said. "Any extra time with you is a blessing..."

So I stuffed my feet into my slippers and tied my dressing gown closed around me and unlocked my door. She pulled on her pink denim jacket and slunk out; I followed, locking the door behind us.

Then I took her hand in mine and squeezed it tightly between my fingers.

She made a soft, little noise.

"You're amazing," she whimpered. "Oh my God, you're so nice. You just get me... everything is just what I need when I need it. I wanted your hand in mine but I was far too... self-conscious to take yours first."

"I want you to know how special this was for me," I said. "I... this... things like this don't happen to me. This is the best thing I've ever had happen. You, I mean..."

"Ditto, Cat," she whispered, flushing scarlet and giving me a brimming look.

We stumbled our way down the four flights of stairs; she paused at the door, then suddenly pushed me hard up against the postboxes (I squeaked) and kissed me at great length (I moaned), leaving both of us flushed and panting.

"I've got to go," she said, at last.

"You've got to go," I echoed her, wishing that it weren't true. "Can... can I come see you? Bring you lunch or something?"

"That would be the most amazing thing," she said.

She stared up at me for a moment.

"See you later, lover," she said with a fluttery little laugh.

"I... can't wait," I answered.

One more brief kiss before she pulled the door open.

"I miss you already," she said. "How... how the fuck did you do this to me? I had rules, Cat," she complained.

"I don't know, but I'll take the win and run with it. Go, Julie, it's cold, go get warm and be safe!"

"See you later, babe," she said. She smiled, turned and walked away.

"I love you," I whispered, when I was certain that she wouldn't hear.

And I watched her until she rounded the corner, then stumbled back upstairs to my flat and sat at my table and simply held myself for a while as the shadows faded away just the smallest bit.

.:.

My alarm went off. I shook my head to clear the dust and cobwebs, and got to my feet. I slunk through to my room.

I could still smell the strangeness of her scent in my space, and the hairs on the back of my neck rose in a little, delighted frisson.

I ran through my Spartan morning ablution schedule, and drank a mug of rocket-fuel coffee before I made my way slowly into town. But this time the bleakness of the office and the shattered morale of the inmates didn't affect me; I had Julie waiting for me, and nothing really else mattered any more.

I still almost couldn't believe that she liked me.

And every so often I'd realise that I was smiling.

It felt... strange.

I left my desk before I really should have, but I could see from everyone's attitudes that nobody would comment; nobody cared enough any more, and well over a quarter of them were clearly hung-over and hated everyone this morning.

And so I went and got something with which to spoil my lover.

Lunchtime found me waiting (shyly) outside Maggie's salon - waiting for Julie to finish with a particularly tedious customer. When she was finally free she emerged, let out a sigh, and then let out another one as I wrapped my arms around her and tucked my nose in against her cheek.

"Hullo," she breathed. "Did you look forward to this as much as I did?"

"Possibly more, if that's possible," I confessed.

"Good. I'm glad. Um... oh wow, you've made me dizzy. How's work?"

"It's a complete war zone. But I don't care any more. I don't care about any of it. Not any more."

I released her, and flushed hot at the smile she gave me.

"Also... I brought you lunch," I said, "... but I had no idea what you'd like, so..."

"Ooh! What is it?" she said, curious. Then she glanced down into the little bag I was carrying.

"Cat!" she exclaimed in horror. "Oh my God! I walk past that shop; you shouldn't have spent so much on me!"

"I... wanted to," I said, trying to explain myself. "I... I've never had anyone to do this for. I wanted... I wanted to do it right."

"Cat!"

She stared up at me, then began to laugh. She stepped in and up onto her toes to kiss me.

"Don't do it again," she said, amused. "Or at least, not too often, okay? Oh my God, sweetheart, that must have set you back more than twenty quid! I'm seriously not worth that..."

"You're worth more than every star in the night sky."

"You're incorrigible," she managed after a momentary pause. "That's the right word, isn't it? Incorrigible."

"I... think so. Here. Please, take it?"

"Of course I will... but... don't you want some too?"

"No, I'm okay; I have something back at the office. In the fridge."

"Oh Cat," she sighed. "No, babe. Next time, lets have something we can share, okay? I'd... I love this, but I'd love that even more. It's been a while since I had someone to share things with. "

"Okay."

"Plus," she said. "It means I have an excuse to sneak off with you. How long do you have?"

"As long as I want, I suspect. Nobody gives a... a shit right now. Everyone is too angry and HR are in terror of being assaulted so they're in hiding at an off-site."

"So come sit with me," she said. "Maggie won't mind. We've got a little break area and there's space for both of us. I promise not to be too wicked."

"Spoilsport," I answered, delighted by her answering smirk.

There was space for us both - barely - and I took great pleasure in the noises she made as she ate the complicated Thai chicken main.

But then she forced me to take a bite of the eclair I'd bought her for dessert, and then she kissed me for good measure.

She tasted of chocolate, and girl, and my heart swelled with almost more longing than I could bear.

I'm not sure which of us was more out of breath afterwards.

She held my hand as she walked me back to the salon's door - completely uncaring of the amused smiles from Maggie and the two waiting customers.

"Will I see you later?" she asked, as she fiddled with my collar.

"Come home with me?" I offered.

"It's a date," she said. "But I can't stay all night because I need new clothes."

She stood up on her toes, kissed me once again, and stepped back with a happy sigh. "Now go on. See you later. Seven, here?"

"See you at seven," I said, happy as I could ever remember being.

She blew me a kiss and turned away, and I took the moment to appreciate her bum.

I'd taken only a few steps towards work when I felt the sudden stab of memory - my mum, smiling at me from the stove as I struggled doggedly through my homework, Autumn rain pelting the world beyond the small panes of cottage glass.

I had to stop and turn away from the present for a moment to catch my breath.

The idea came suddenly, fully formed, as if someone had breathed it into my ear.

I would cook for Julie. I'd cook one of mum's dishes. The mutton and potato and leek stew mum had always called Cawl.

I'd cook it for Julie so I could share something of mum with her.

I could still remember the recipe.

It was an easy decision, and it felt right.

So, head held high, heart still aching, I set off with renewed purpose, to mark out the necessary time at my indentured labour, then...

Escape.

.:.

"Oh my God, this is so good..."

"I know. Mum was an amazing cook. I can't match her, not at all, but this... this tastes right, it tastes how I remember it. Technically we should let it slow cook for a couple of hours, but..."

"It's absolutely sublime," she said. She reached out to squeeze my hand. "Thank you for this; I've been living on rice and peas for what feels like months now."

"We need to do something about that then," I said. "I... I miss this. I used to cook with her, when I could, before... it. I miss... the simplicity of it."

She watched me, and I felt her hand tighten on mine.

"I'm okay," I said, managing a smile. "Don't worry. I'm... it's... it's bittersweet, you know?"

"I think so."

Then she yawned.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. "Oh, oh fuck me, I'm so sorry, that was..."

"Entirely too cute for words," I teased, relieved by the change of topic.

She flushed pink.

"I... I just relax around you," she admitted. "It's... you... you make everything golden and warm."

"And non-verbal, clearly."

She laughed.

"You also, clearly, do something to my ability to talk and think. I like this, Cat. I like having you to do this with. I share a small house with four guys. They're mostly lovely but... it's nice to be able to escape. To have some quiet time. Especially like this, with you. God, I'm so glad you wanted me."

"I wanted you from the day I first saw you. You were... you are... perfect for me. Of course, the fact that you're also awesome is just the crowning cherry. I like how soft you are, how... how gentle. I like having you to be gentle with."

Her mouth curled into a small smile. "I like the way your voice changes when you're admitting things you shouldn't be."

"It does not!"

"It's true, it does!" she cackled. "It... it's weird. It's like it gets richer, more throaty, more... more tear-my-clothes-off-and-fuck-me-right-now, kind of..."

"Julie!" I laughed.

"It totally does!"

"Firstly, I would never, never tear my clothes off..."

She stood, and approached me.

"That sounds suspiciously like a challenge, Cat."

"I'm very careful with my things..."

She straddled my lap and braced my cheeks with the soft, warm skin of her palms.

"Really?" she said, amused. "So... if I were to... say..."

She began to gyrate slowly back and forth on me, then shifted to one side so that my thigh rode against her crotch as she moved.

Her grin faded very quickly.

"Oh... oh fuck, Cat," she whispered. "Oh... oh, this was... mm.... unwise..."

I knew what she meant by that.

I lifted my hands from her hips, reaching for her, knotting my fingers into the hair of the nape of her neck as I pulled her closer so that I could kiss her.

Her lips were warm; she let out a throaty little moan and began to grind hard on me.

I fumbled for her breasts, found one, pinched through the fabric of tee shirt and bra onto the firm nub of her nipple.

She bucked hard, and broke free, convulsing, grunting three short sharp breaths before she slumped in against me with a soft little sound.

"You kill me," she moaned. "How... I... it's... it's just instant. It's like a lightning strike. Oh fuck me. Oh fuck me, I like this. I like this with you. I like you..."

"I like this too. I like how easy you are..."

"Easy, is it?" she whispered. She quivered again, let out a shaky little puff of air into my neck.

"Well..."

"I am easy for you. Super-simple three-piece Julie. Cat?"

"Uh huh?"

"You should totally kiss me now."

So I turned my face and gently kissed her temple. She shivered as I trailed my lips down her cheekbone, and I felt her swallow once.

Her lips parted as I reached them, and she arched against me as she fumbled her hands under my shirt and groped for my breasts.

I snatched some air, and she pulled back out of reach.

"Take your shirt off," she demanded. "Now."

I complied; struggling out of it and dropping it to one side. Julie freed my shoulders from the straps of my bra, and folded the cups down. She stared down at me.

"I love your breasts," she said, throat flushed with colour. "I spent so many days wondering what they looked like. They're even better than I ever imagined they were."

I closed my eyes as she began to tease her fingers around my nipples.

"I like that," I whispered.

"I can see. What else do you like?"

"Just... touch... like this... from you," I moaned. "I... I need you close. I need to be able to smell you, to feel you..."

I felt her shifting, and then she leaned forward and pressed herself against me. "Like this?" she whispered.

"Just... just exactly... like that..."

She nuzzled my neck.

"And this?" she breathed. She kissed my shoulder-blade, then the line of my clavicle.

"Mm...mm..."

And then I shuddered as she bit down gently.

"Oh," I whispered.

"Like that?"

"Uh huh."

"And here?"

She leaned forward, nipped the pale skin just above my left breast.

"Oh... oh wow..."

"And..."

And then I arched and knotted my fingers into the fabric of her shirt as she found my nipple and gently took it between her teeth. A deft little touch of tongue, and a kiss, and then she released me.

She lifted herself off me.

"No..." I moaned. "Don't stop..."

"Just need a moment, lover."

She popped the button of her jeans and unzipped them. With one uncomplicated motion she dropped them and my pink briefs down her perfect thighs and kicked them clear of her.

Then she struggled out of her tee shirt and stood there, naked as the day she was born.

"Cat?" she said.

"Yeah?" I managed, managing to tear my attention away from her lovely shaven little crotch.

"Give me your hand."

I mutely did as she asked.

"Now come to bed and make love to me."

And I mutely did that too.

.:.

Sunlight and a wholesome breeze blew into my life, stirring all the cobwebs and flapping the drapes on the shuttered rooms and covered furniture.

For the first time in as long as I could remember I was... happy.

I found myself singing little snatches of music from my childhood.

I found myself wearing brighter colours.

And I made some small but immensely important changes in my inner sanctum.

Gone were the old, threadbare sheets and the ancient duvet.

Gone were my tired old towels.

Gone were the old bottles of alcohol, and my cheap-and-cheerful Tesco soaps.

Because I'd seen what Julie liked, and worked to make my home a home for her as well.

I bought some pink fluffy towels and a matching dressing gown for my lover.

I'd bought her some slippers - she'd literally squealed over them and stood there for over a minute just "wriggling her toes" as she luxuriated.

And - most extravagantly - I bought two Waterford crystal wineglasses in a quiet act of faith that... that I wanted this, and that I wanted it to last.

About nine days after we'd started dating - or bonking as Julie insisted on referring to it - I packed my first overnight bag.

It had been years since I'd slept over somewhere else.

This was the first time I'd ever be doing it by choice.

I'd been nervous. Apprehensive.

Scarred and scared.

And she'd coddled me and she'd cooked for me and bantered with me and the two of her housemates who'd been home.

And afterwards she'd taken me to her intimate little den and introduced me to the joy of oral with a freshly-shaven girl.

I'd pruned myself the very next day, and my lover had clearly appreciated the gesture, if her attentions had been anything to go by.

And now we'd settled into a regular routine - four nights at mine, three at hers, governed by her love of the privacy my space afforded us - and my conflicting desire for her not to give up her own identity for me.

Autumn drew on.

And sometimes I'd watch her sleeping beside me and wonder how of everyone, of all the long and convoluted list of beautiful women she could have had...

She'd settled for me instead.

.:.

It was a Thursday evening in mid-October, and we'd finished our rota for cooking and cleaning. Julie's digsmates were watching a movie in the "Common room" as they referred to their tiny lounge; we'd retreated upstairs to Julie's room. She'd sat me down in front of her battered plywood veneer vanity table and gone to work on my shoulders in the way she so loved to do for me.

And she'd reduced me close to catatonia, to a backing track of Roxette.

I stared at her in the mirror and watched the expressions that flittered over her face - in much the same way as I'd done before we'd become lovers.

It was just that now I knew that many of those thoughts were about me and the things she wanted to do with me.

And to me.

But tonight she seemed... different. Tonight she wore a new expression - a worried little frown.

I didn't like it; it had no place on her. It didn't suit her at all.

But I'd swiftly learned that Julie needed time to organise the more important things before she'd speak of them.

So I sat, mute, and watched her.

And... at last... she took the type of breath I knew preceded just such a conversation.

Part of me braced itself and waited for the shoe to drop.

"Cat?"

"Mm?"

"I've... got something I want to ask you."

"I know. I can see."

She flushed.

"You're too good at this," she sighed.