Lamplight

"I'm... learning to be," I admitted.

She leaned in against me, brushed herself against me as we so loved her to do.

"I know you said you have a thing about wearing jewellery."

"Yes, I do. Why are you mentioning it?"

Her hands paused on my shoulders.

"Please don't tell me you bought me something," I added. "Because..."

"No. I didn't buy anything for you. But... but I have something. It's... it's something that I want to give to you."

I turned on the chair and stared up at her.

"Julie..."

"Please," she whispered. "It's... I know it's silly, and we're only just a thing, but... but it's important to me. Even if you say no, I still want to try. Can I... can I at least show you?"

"You can show me," I said, trying not to let my worry bleed into my words.

She bit her lip, then turned away from me and opened a drawer in the little vanity table. She reached into it and withdrew a small fabric pouch, which she upended into the palm of her left hand.

Silver chain glinted; I let out a shaky breath. Thank God it wasn't a ring...

She draped it over her fingers and turned back to me; her expression strangely... sombre.

"I know this is a lot to ask of you," she said. "I know I'm being presumptuous. But... but it would mean so much to me if you'd wear this for me, sometimes. If you want to."

"Oh Julie. It's... beautiful."

The small, plain pear-cut pendant stone glittered blood red under her muted bedroom light.

"It was my gran's," she said. "I loved her more than anyone else ever."

"Julie..."

"I want you to keep this for me," she said in a rush. "I don't care if you don't wear it. I... I just want it to be out again. I don't wear it, it's totally wrong for me. But... but it's perfect for you and I'd love it so much if..."

I stilled her frantic words with the gentle touch of my finger to her cheek.

"Are... are you sure?" I asked her, watching her.

"As sure as I ever am of anything ever," she whispered. "I know why you don't wear things. I know. So I totally get it. But... but I'm still hoping that..."

"Julie?"

I reached behind me and lifted my hair from my neck; a mute invitation.

She let out a trembling little breath.

She stepped closer and fumbled a bit as she tried to clasp the chain around my neck. The metal was cold against my skin; I shivered, then let my hair fall.

The stone pendant hung distractingly high, just below my throat.

It felt strange to be wearing something again. Strange... but, somehow, not upsetting as I'd been so worried it might be.

"It's beautiful on you. You're beautiful," she said.

I glanced up at her; concerned by the note of sadness in her words.

I caught her hand, pulled her around in front of me. She flung her leg over my lap and settled down on me, draping her arms around my neck as she shifted inwards.

"What is it? What's wrong?"

"Just... stuff," she sighed. "Stupid stuff. Don't worry about it..."

"Hey," I said. "No. That's not how this is going to work. I told you things. Now you have to share. I... I care about you. Deeply. You need to talk to me, Julie. Even if you think it's just stupid stuff..."

"I'm just terrified that I'll wake up and this will all be dream," she whispered. "That you'll tire of me and leave me."

I trailed my finger down her cheek; she turned her face as she leaned into the touch.

"Does this feel like a dream?"

"I told you it was stupid," she muttered.

"Julie?"

"Mhmm."

"I'm going to tell you something personal."

"Um... okay..."

"I've never been happy. Well... not in so many years that it's hard to remember just how long it's been. Let's go with never as an allowable over-exaggeration, okay?"

"Okay... but..."

"I'm happy now."

"Oh."

"I'm deliriously happy. I... I wake up smiling, Julie. Smiling. Do you understand how... how special and wonderful and strange that is for me?"

"Cat..."

"It's because of you. It's all because of you. How... how could you even dream that I'd want to lose you? That I'd ever, ever willingly leave you? I adore you. I love you. I..."

And then I realised what I'd just said, and stumbled to a stop.

Her face had gone red; high colour was rushing to her throat.

"Well... shit," I managed. "That is not at all how I wanted to tell you that..."

"You love me?" she said, at last, voice all strange.

"Yes," I breathed.

And she slowly slumped in against me and buried her face in my hair.

I heard her sniff, once, and I wrapped my arms tightly around her and clasped her to me.

"Don't ever leave me," she whispered at last.

I squeezed my eyes tightly shut and tried to get as close to her as I possibly could.

"I couldn't ever," I managed to answer, and her arms tightened even more.

The stone of her necklace dug into me. I accepted the discomfort as her mark on me; I had no wish to be anywhere other than her arms ever again.

.:.

I stared down at the plain Purbeck pillow stone, engraved with a simple cross and my mum's name.

It was... smaller than I'd imagined it would be.

But it was elegant and understated.

Mum would have approved.

Julie shifted beside me; I felt the movement of her body as she glanced my way.

She hadn't even hinted at the idea of not coming with me, on this long-avoided pilgrimage back to my town of birth.

She'd held my hand as we pulled into Brighton station, and been my silent rock of strength as we caught the bus that would take us out to the far flung lawn memorial cemetery.

She'd simply stood and ridden and walked silently beside me, keeping vigil over me on the winding path from gate to graveside.

I would never be able to express how grateful I was to her for being there with me.

I would never be able to find the words to tell her how much I needed the simple warmth of her hand in mine as I stood there, on the banks of the present, staring down into the deep, dark waters of the past and remembering every razor-sharp facet of that long-ago winter's day.

The shouts; the crashes, the crystalline sound of falling glass.

The fear in my mother's voice as she tried to calm him, to reason with him through his alcoholic rage.

The way she'd shrieked at me to run.

The soft thud of the axe.

The horrible, indescribable... noise... I'd heard her make as she hit the floor one final time.

The taste of the winter air on my tongue as I'd dashed through the front door and down the road to our friendliest neighbours; blind with panic, unable to get words out at first past my sobs.

I'd never seen either of my parents again.

All that had remained of them had been the blood that someone had tried but failed to clean out of the threadbare square of carpet in front of our old brick fireplace.

Well... call it smeared rather than cleaned, really.

My mum's final act of supreme sacrifice had allowed me to escape and call for help.

Help for me.

It had been far, far too late for her.

The wind rustled the red-bronze leaves of the nearby guardian Oak, several fluttered to the ground.

I took a slow, numb breath.

"I miss you, Mummy," I whispered, against the choking agony in my throat. "Oh... oh God, I miss your hugs and the way you used to hold me. I miss the smell of the bread you used to bake for me and the way you'd always pack my school lunches. I miss the way you'd sing to me before bed. I miss your smile. I... I wish things had been different. I wish I'd had you to ask all the questions I needed answered. And most of all I wish..."

I paused, voice cracking, shaking with the effort of trying to remain strong.

"I wish I'd got to introduce you. To Julie. You'd have liked her, Mum. Maybe even as much as I do. She takes care of me, now. I love her; she's the one for me. I know it. I would... I would give everything to have had the chance for her to meet you. For you to see me happy again."

Julie made a noise; I felt her shudder, and I turned my face in and pushed it hard in against her, feeling the dampness of her sympathetic tears on my skin.

I would not cry.

Not yet.

That was for later.

I released my lover's hand and slowly knelt before my mother's grave.

I put the small bouquet of mixed native flowers that I'd brought with us before her headstone, and trailed my fingers slowly around the plain letters of the simple, beautiful Diane etched there.

"So..." I managed, somehow managing to get the words out. "I'm... I might not be back for a while again. It's still so hard. But... but I'll be back again, sometime. I'm... okay. I'm okay now. If you're still here at all, you can go. Thank you for being the best mum I ever could have had. I love you," I finished, choking the final three words out as my throat closed up on me.

I staggered to my feet and turned to my lover; she wrapped her arms tightly around me, saying nothing, just letting me come to pieces in the warm, protective circle of her arms.

At last I managed to pull back.

"Cat..." she whispered, voice rough and choked up, eyes red, cheeks still damp. "Oh, my love, you are so brave."

"Not. Should have come back... years ago..."

"No. You weren't ready. "

I squeezed my eyes closed and didn't answer. She slowly ran her hands up and down my back.

"Oh, my love," she sighed again as she pulled me to her, and I nodded fiercely in against her neck.

"Sorry," I whispered, when I could.

"No. Never."

We listened to the bright birdsong from the surrounding trees, to the gentle rustling of leaves, to the distant sound of a lawnmower and the even more distant buses.

"Cat?"

"Yes."

"Are you done here? For now?"

"Yes."

She took a long, slow breath.

"Okay, then. Come, Cat. Let's... let's go get something to eat; we've got a few hours, we could go walk along the promenade and watch the waves. It's good for finding calm. Or at least, it always was for me. Come, love. Let me take you somewhere else."

"Okay," I agreed, pulling back and scrubbing at my eyes.

And my love put her arm around my waist and slowly turned me away and I let her guide me back to the path that would lead us outwards into the world again.

Behind us, some more red-gold leaves fell like yesteryear's tears.

The bitter heartache eased.

I still hurt.

But I'd heal.

And now I knew that I would never be alone again.