Landlord Tales Vol. 02

I couldn't help but wonder what Mary would make of all this. No doubt she would be greatly amused. I took her plate back an hour later, walked around the cabin to the back porch and stopped in my tracks when the light to the very small bathroom came on right beside me. There was no curtain. I'd never had a need for one since it was just me here for many years now.

Lily hung her robe on the door, and began unbraiding her long hair in the nude. Her body wasn't tall and curvy like Deb's but she was exquisite, especially for her age. I couldn't help gawking at her slender, still girlish figure and milky breasts for several minutes. What the fuck is wrong with me, I thought? I set the plate quietly on the edge of her back porch and departed.

A few nights later she came to my room. I never locked my doors at night. I smelled her shower soap long before my bedroom door cracked open. I looked up to find her standing over my bed, long hair loose in waves, smiling at me with those innocent slanted brown eyes, and swept my blanket aside so she could join me. I remembered being in Korea, my friends and I at the time stupidly wondering if the young Asian women in the parlors has slits straight up and down, or side to side, like a harmonica as one of my friends swore. She didn't stay long; there was no need. She took care of business with her inventive cool hands and soft lips and after cleaning me up with a damp cloth from my bathroom, she pecked my cheek and left, all the while mumbling softly and apparently happily in Vietnamese even though I made no attempt to return the favor in any way.

By the time court came, she'd fished the lake dry, of course. I didn't speak when I left. Janie came twice a day. To pickup and then drop off Dak to and from school, and also to check on her mother, of course. Lily and Dak were absolutely no trouble at all to have around....

"so...was Mrs. Tanner not perpetually late with her rent?" his lawyer was asking me.

"No, sir. No more than most." I smiled, enjoying the sight of Dale's young attorney's jaw dropping briefly.

"B-but...didn't you tell us before that she was late every month?' directly behind him I saw Dale sit back and scowl, knowing he'd been had. On the other side of the aisle, Deb's lawyer was beaming. For the last hour there was a steady stream of evidence presented showing how hard it was for Deb to keep her bills paid. I never did run a credit check on her before she moved in. For good reason; I expected it to be shitty. Most of my tenants had spotty credit records, that's one reason they were renters. He looked utterly shocked, then began excitedly whispering in his client's ear. Deborah looked amused and unsurprised.

"Sure, but just a day or two, like most tenants," I lied smoothly. I'd been practicing this for weeks, making sure I had every syllable down pat."Look, I don't have any problem evicting tardy tenants, ask anyone who knows me. She was never late in the way you're describing it, sir." His lawyer was backpedaling now, embarrassed, then angry. He made a huge mistake, the one I was hoping for.

"Sir, I have to remind you you're under oath." He leaned in close."We've presented evidence in court here today, numerous examples, in fact, that she was and continues to be habitually late on virtually every single bill. Has she offered you anything...money.. or....hmmm...sexual favors to testify here today?' They'd brought out a string of ex-boyfriends to demean her character as well. I guess he thought he'd done a good enough job of trashing her to gamble he could get away with trashing my reputation as well."She is quite beautiful, right?'

The crowd in the courtroom leaned in, wanting to hear the answer. Of course none of them knew us. Most of the onlookers were just awaiting their own turn in front of the judge. This was no great Perry Mason epic. But they sensed what was coming before Dale's attorney did. They were happy to see a smug, uptight young lawyer take a whooping. I saw a few smiles begin to crack in the chamber even before I moved in for the kill.

"Yes, she is, sir, " I happily replied. Deborah smiled at me, green eyes twinkling as her ex buried his face in his palms."But I don't need the first and don't think I could handle the second." The courtroom shared a chuckle at the very thought of an old man like me being with a girl like Deborah. Impossible! His lawyer took a step back, realizing he'd gone too far, started to say something, but I cut him off, driving in the dagger, giving it a twist."Now, Mr. Tanner there did offer me some money in that regard...in fact...I have the money order right here."

I pulled it out of my front coverall pocket and when the Judge demanded to see it, happily handed it over.

The courtroom erupted...

I was on the way home a couple of hours later when my phone chirped. It was Dale Tanner. He didn't say much, just laughed when I answered.

His voice was calm and measured.

"She's playing you, old man. You don't know her at all, you just think you do."

"Let me worry about that, son," I replied calmly before hanging up. Inside it was nagging at me, though. Not the words, just the calm knowing way they were delivered."You should hire a better lawyer next time, by the way."

A few weeks later Bob called me again. He had bad news. You need to come down here, he told me grimly. In his office, he just slid the papers over and let me read them for myself. I read the first two pages and pushed the rest back at him.

"How much does she want?'

"The house she is currently residing in, and fifty thousand. She will get it, too." He cleared his throat."Joe, do you have an Asian woman living rent free in your cabin? She says you do...that will look very bad in court. It will look like you're trading rent for sexual favors, which is illegal. Not to mention you denied on the stand ever having or being offered sex by Deborah Tanner. I don't think you have to worry about a perjury charge, but the Judge won't like it one bit."

I nodded my head. Game. Set. Match. Mary was probably laughing her ass off right now at my stupidity.

"Honestly, she could ask for a lot more..."

"Okay...give it to her...the house, the money, whatever...just make this go away and quickly, Bob." I told him the entire sordid story, just to make sure he wasn't working in the dark any longer.

"Thank you for finally filling me in, Joe. I knew something was going on, just not this," he said shaking his head."Hope it was worth it."

"It was, Bob. It was worth every damn penny."...

When I came home, I was fifty thousand dollars in cash poorer, and the loser of a hundred thousand dollar piece of property that had been paying me almost a thousand a month in income for almost no work. On the back porch I saw Lily reeling in what had to be one of the few remaining large mouth bass left in my lake. Dak was playing by the shore, chasing frogs, and Janie came to meet me as she headed to her car after dropping off her younger brother from school.

She touched my arm and wiped a strand of black hair from her brow.

"I heard what Deborah did," she told me."If you want us to leave, I will find them a new place tomorrow, but Mum and I had no idea."

"No, they can stay. As long as they want. But your Mum's going to have to find another lake to fish dry soon." Janie laughed.

"Oh, before I go...her husband might be getting out soon...he may come out here looking for her...if that's a problem...I can take them away...but they both love it here, you know?" She looked at me hopefully.

I thought it over, knowing I was inviting trouble once again. What was getting into me lately, I wondered.

"No, I think the three of us can handle him if it comes to that," I answered, sounding more confident than I felt. Mary came to mind as Janie drove away. She would never have approved me hooking up with Deborah, although I think she understood. But she would have really disapproved of me kicking out Lily and her son. The fish got away. I saw it splash into the water, the hook slipping free, and swim off, temporarily free. Lily let loose a stream of Viet curses as Dak chased it with a net, but missed as it swam to deeper water. The two of them saw me coming, and both waved.

"Did you see that, Joe...he got away!"

"Well, not for long. I'm sure your Mum will have him in the pot by sundown tomorrow, boy.' I picked him up, set him on the porch beside his mother who was busy tying on another hook. She handed me a beer, and as I popped the top, I thought about Deborah again. Something she told me:

"I knew you were good for something, Joe." I could almost hear her sexy laugh all the way to the bank.