Last Meal

My heartbeat accelerated as I drove up the dirt path that lead to the house that I had been so anxious to see. I had spent the last day and a half imagining and picturing what she had done with the place. Would she have the big, open spaces she had always talked about? The beautiful master bathroom with the clawfoot tub she dreamed about? The driveway made a slight turn and opened up to a lot of land that showcased a modernly gorgeous home. Modest, though. It was a smaller home but held a level of character you often see with luxury. There was a garden that enclosed the sidewalk up to the main door. She had always talked about wanting to garden.

I parked my car next to a Silverado that had dirt all over the body. I stepped out into the Texan heat of July and took a moment to try and calm myself. Why was I so nervous? I hadn't seen her in almost ten years. I couldn't imagine what she looked like, what her life was like. When I found out where she was, I was surprised, but I wasn't. It had been her dream, ours at one point.

I looked at the time; three-thirty. It was a Friday, so I wasn't sure if she would be home or not. I walked my way up to the front door and gave it a solid knock. My hands were shaking, what was wrong with me? I heard heavy footsteps approach the door and I straightened my posture.

The door swung open, and I looked up to see a man, a smidge taller than me, standing there. He had scruff along his jawline, dark hair. His grey t-shirt clung to his chest and arms.

"Can I help you?" His deep voice broke silence.

"Uh, hey bud, I was just wondering if you could tell me if Cora was home,"

He put one of his hands on the door, "I'm sorry, who are you?"

I shook my head and held my hand out, "I'm sorry, I'm John, I'm an...old friend of Cora's," He shook my hand in return and smiled.

"Oh, yeah, I've heard her mention you a few times. Look, she's not going to be home until about five, but you can come in and watch some TV, drink a cold one?" He opened the door and turned his back to walk into house. I was surprised. This man had never seen me, or knew me, and he was inviting me into his home. I shrugged my shoulders and took off my sunglasses as I closed the door behind me. The house was cooled, and I took my time looking around. The wood floorings, the earth tone walls, the light decorating. The house smelled fresh, like soap and flowers. I made my way into the kitchen where the man who had answered the door was. He handed me a crafted beer and sat down on one of the barstools at the kitchen island.

"I'm Jacob, by the way," He nodded his head at me. "What brings you out here? Kinda out of the way, ain't it?" He chuckled. He had a slight southern drawl.

I sat for a moment, I wasn't exactly sure how to answer that question myself. What was I doing here?

I ran my hand through my hair, took a swig of beer, and met his gaze, "Honestly, it's just one of those things I wanted to do before I couldn't anymore. Me and Cora used to be close, and I haven't heard from her in ten years," I shrugged.

"Yeah, she told me that you two spent a lot of time together when she was in college," He looked at the clock above the sink, "Oh, damnit, I gotta get back to work. But, uh, make yourself at home, okay? Seriously," He downed the rest of his beer and headed out the front door. I sat there in silence and took in my surroundings, her surroundings. The house was exactly what she talked about all those years ago. Open floor plan, big windows. She had some plants around. I took notice of the wine cabinet, fully stocked. I made my way into the living room and sat on the couch. The end table had a framed picture. I picked it up and looked at it; a wedding picture. She looked happy, so alive. Her smile hadn't changed over the years. I was glad she was able to have her fairytale wedding that I always swore we wouldn't have. I stared at the photo for what seemed like minutes, the last fifteen years flooding my mind. After spending five years with someone so intensely, so intimately. And to just lose that, to have that bond between the two of you served in a moment of sheer emotion. It had been one of the most powerful things I have ever felt in my life.

I wasn't sure how long I had been there, looking out the large window letting in the sunlight, but the front door opening took me out of my reverie.

The same heavy footsteps I heard earlier were coming down the hall, and I stood up to turn and greet Jacob.

"Everything alright?" He smiled at me as he washed his hands in the kitchen sink.

"Yeah, just been enjoying the view," I motioned to the large, green backyard.

"Yeah, it's a beauty, isn't it?" He chuckled, "Let me tell you, though, Cora is always on my case about upkeeping it. Except the gardens; she spends every Sunday morning in her gardens," He smiled and was waving his arm to the flowers I could see outside. He opened the fridge and took out another beer, "She should be home any minute, she's usually here before me," He shrugged his shoulders and started walking out to the patio. His body language told me to follow him, and I did. The patio was generous size, nice lawn furniture and a fire pit in the center. He handed me another beer and told me to take a seat; they'd planned on grilling tonight, salmon.

The sound of the front door being open and closed drifted out to where we were, and it made me a bit more squirmish than I already was. I really didn't know what to expect from her. After all, the last time I had seen her she was packing a suitcase with mascara painting her cheeks.

"Hey, Cora, someone's here to see you," Jacob shouted as he went into the house. I could hear heels strutting across the wood floors. My heart was turning my veins into an ocean current.

She stepped out onto the deck and I finally lifted my eyes to see what was before me. She was in business casual, black slacks and white button-down tucked in. Her heels were black; she always knew how to walk in them. Her hair was blonder than I remember, and the obvious signs of age were beginning to adorn her face. Laugh lines, crows' feet next to her emerald eyes. I usually didn't like these on women, but she wore them as fine jewelry. I wasn't used to seeing her in such attire, mostly due to the fact that a grand majority of the time spent together was on the weekends, when I would watch her drink her coffee, do her homework, and sit in an old t-shirt of mine.

Her face twisted into a small, confused grin, "John? Is that you?" She slowly said as she approached the outdoor couch I had been sitting on. Her voice was sweet, just as I remembered it.

"Uh, yeah," I stood up in front of her. Though she was wearing heels, I still towered over her and seeing her looking up at me felt all too familiar. Her soft grin slowly left her lips.

"Um, why are you here? Is everything alright?" She gave me a pondering look. That's something I never realized she did until she left. No matter the situation, she always put my needs and wants above hers: always making sure I was taken care of.

I looked passed her to see if Jacob was coming, "Look, I understand if you don't want me here, I'll respect that. But I needed to see you," I pleaded quietly.

She took a step back and rebutted with a dainty scoff, "And a phone call didn't deem appropriate?" She crossed her arms, which wasn't unexpected.

The tense moment was disturbed by Jacob walking hurriedly up to the door, "Hey, babe, I'm sorry but I gotta head out early to help Isaac get ready for tonight,"

Cora turned around, "What? Why? What about dinner?" She put her hands on her hips, she looked like such a wife.

He sighed, "I know, but Lucas didn't show up and Isaac doesn't know how drive that damn trailer," He came over and kissed her on the cheek and gave her a hug, "I'll make it up to you," He gave her another kiss and jaunted back into the house. She stood facing away from me for a few moments before turning to face me.

"Well... are you hungry?" She looked at the salmon that was waiting to be put on the grill.

I walked up to the grill, "Why don't you go change out of those clothes, and I can handle this," I opened the grill.

She shook her head and walked into the house. It was a while before she came back out with a bottle of wine and cladded in silk pajama set; shorts and a tank. It was a blush pink and hugged her honey thighs and showcased her supple chest, her collarbone, and her shoulders.

"Still into the wine, huh?" I asked her as she sat down on the couch. She didn't respond, just took a moment to play with the label of the bottle. I finished grilling the salmon and put it on the plate that had been sitting there. I walked over to where she was sitting and placed it on the table in front of her. We both picked at it quietly, not saying anything to each other. It took about half of the bottle to be gone before she said a word to me.

"John, what are you doing here?" Her eyes met mine, and I felt so vulnerable, like she was hanging me off of a cliff.

"Cora," I said slowly.

She cut me off, "Stop, don't do that," She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair.

I sat on the edge of my seat, "I don't want to cause any troubles, but I didn't know where else to go,"

She dragged her eyes up into the night sky, "What? Did all your other blind followers leave you in the dust?"

There was anger in her voice, hurt. I had had a lot of time to contemplate everything that had happened between us. Replay conversations that seemed mundane at the time over and over again, until I finally understood the depth of what she was going through with me, for me, for us.

My throat was tight, "After all this time, you still are the one," I kept my gaze to the ground.

She chuckled, "Right," Was all she said after taking another swig of merlot, "My guess is, is that all your other options fell through, and even after all this time you still think you can come running back to me just like you did all those years ago," Her tone was cold.

"There wasn't anyone after you. I tried. I fucking tried. But I couldn't get passed you, Cora. After you left, I was relieved for about three weeks. And then, not having you around, having empty conversations with women who didn't even begin to understand me like you did..."

She cut me off, "So what do you want me to do about it? I'm married, I have been for six years. You let me leave, you didn't even try to talk to me. I moved on, John. There's nothing left for you here,"

"I got four months left," I raised my voice over hers.

She stopped, but only for a split second, "What the hell does that mean?"

"Stage four Hodgkin's Lymphoma," I abruptly said before she finished her sentence. That took any train of thought she was having and derailed it. She squinted at me with a mixture of confusion, disbelief, and curiosity. Her eyes always spoke what she refused to.

She stammered, "What are you talking about?" She came to sit down beside me.

I sighed and rubbed my neck, "I have stage four cancer, and I don't have anyone left. I came down here to not only tell you that I didn't change the will and that you're still the sole receiver... But also, to say goodbye, for good." I didn't glance at her, but I could tell she was tense, "Look, I didn't come down here with ulterior motives or to disrupt whatever life you have built for yourself. But I needed to see you... for closure," I finally breathed out and laid back in the seat. That really why I came to visit. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago, and given the advanced stage of it, I decided treatment wasn't worth it. I decided I was going to just live until I couldn't anymore.

Cora's eyes were fixed somewhere in the distant darkness. She let out a breath, "How bad is it?"

I raised my shoulders, "I always thought stage four was pretty bad," I offered a half-hearted laugh.

She rolled her eyes at my sarcasm, "You haven't changed, have you?" The corner of her mouth upturned just the slightest, but I still saw it. It was beginning to set in how beautiful she was. I hadn't seen her face in decade, but it felt like I had woken up next to her every morning. Her smile had always struck a chord in me.

"I didn't come here for pity," I stated, "I just wanted to make things right between us, if I could. I wanted to see what you had done for yourself,"

She looked at me. She had always been such a forgiving person, I didn't want her thinking that I was here to take advantage of that. She shrugged her shoulders, "Well, this is it. After graduation I moved down here for work, met Jacob, built this house... Everything I used to talk about," She paused as she played with the hem of her shorts, "What about you?" She looked up at me, finally meeting my gaze after what seemed like eternity.

I shook my head, "Cora, this is amazing... This land, this house, the fact that you're doing what you always talked about doing," I looked at her as she continued to play with the fabric.

She laughed, "Yeah, it is... wasn't easy getting here, but I am and I'm finally starting to settle. Me and Jacob are thinking about trying for a baby within the next year," She smiled at me.

An itch of jealously ran over my skin. I knew I had no right to be jealous; after all, I'm the one who gave up this life with her. She finished off the bottle of wine and asked if she should open another bottle.

"I don't know, I probably shouldn't have any, since I have to drive back to town tonight," I motioned towards the general direction to the highway.

"Oh, when are you going to take off?" She stood up and went into the house, to which I followed.

"Whenever you kick me out, I guess," I shut the patio door behind me, and she opened a second bottle of wine. I could tell she was drunk, or at least getting there. Her cheeks were rosy, and her eyes were sleepy.

She shrugged, "You know, I always thought that if I ever saw you again, that I would tell you everything that I felt, everything that I thought you deserved to hear... to rub my successes in your face. That I was able to make something out of myself even though you never believed I would," She sighed and paused for a moment. Her words were cutting me, I knew how much I had hurt her, and I had always wanted to make that right.

"But, now that you're here... It's like all of that anger, all of that hurt I had been holding onto the past decade, is like gone. And I hate myself, because I always fucking forgive you and I can never stay mad at you. I always think that you've actually changed and that you think I'm worth the change. Even after all this time, after leaving you and creating myself a new life, I still want to be your happiness. And I don't know if I'll ever get over it, get over you... Especially knowing that now, I might not ever be able to see or hear from you again," She finally ended with a swig from the bottle.

My heart sank. I knew she would never tell me this sober, and I didn't want to take advantage of the situation.

"I should go," I slowly said and started putting on my shoes. "For what it's worth, Cora, I'm really glad I got to see everything you've done for yourself. I'm proud of you and I'm really glad you're happy," I walked to the door and she got up and followed me to the entry way.

"I hope you can find yourself some happiness," She looked up at me with the saddest eyes. God, my heart was breaking.

She moved closer to me and wrapped her arms around me. I didn't know if I could handle it. I hadn't had a hug from her in ten years and knowing that this would be the last one for the rest of my days, was sad. I felt the regret more than ever. I should have been better to her, I should have done more for her, I should have tried to fix what I broke. I should have been the one to build this life with her.

I missed feeling her body against mine, she was short and warm. I put my hand on the back of her head and held her closer to me. I could feel her lean into me. We stood there for a while, both of us knowing that it would probably be the last time she heard from me. She looked up at me with those fairytale eyes, and I got the urge to feel those lips one last time. I knew it was wrong, and I knew that she would regret it in the morning. But I couldn't help myself. I lost my best friend and woman who loved me unconditionally. All of the memories I had of us together flooded my mind while I looked down at her. Her drunken eyes reminded me of all the Friday nights we would spend together, drinking her favorite red blend to celebrate a test she had done well on, or forgetting the ones she stumbled over. The Sunday mornings she would wake up and make me coffee and fold the laundry while we watched football. All the homemade dinners, weekend trips, birthday and anniversary celebrations. How she would steal the blankets and turn the heat up too high in the winter. Her giggles in the car every time we passed a field full of cattle. Just everything about her.

I was brought back into the moment and decided that I didn't have time to regret anymore. I leaned down without thinking and found the set of plush lips I had missed too much. I could feel her kiss me back, as if the spark between us never faded.

She suddenly pulled away and braced her small hands on my chest, "John, this is wrong," She shook her head and took a step back. I wanted to listen to her, and step back and leave the house. But I couldn't stop myself from wanting more.

I pulled her back to me, "I know, Cora, I know... but you are the only one I want," I whispered against her ear and brushed her hair away from her pretty face.

She shook her head again, "You're just saying that, John," She sounded sad, and defeated. But I wasn't just saying that. I was telling her the truth. Yes, when she initially left, I thought it was what I had wanted. But after about a month of being alone, in an empty house we once shared, eating the same old dinners, and having pointless conversations with people I never ended up meeting... I missed her. And I have spent the last ten years missing her.

"Cora... I am so sorry... I wish there was more time to make it up to you," My throat tightened, and I just leaned forward to her for any kind of acceptance. I closed my eyes before any burning hot tears reached the surface. Before I could make another move, my lips were once again on hers. She tasted of wine and vanilla. I had my hands on her arms, and her skin was still velvety and creamy, just as it was the night of her twenty-first birthday.

I knew I was taking advantage of her, and I really should have stopped and left. But I just couldn't. It was like I was on death row, and this was my last meal. I let my hands travel from her arms up to her shoulders and finally came to rest by cupping her jaw. Her lips were gracious and were gifting me so much raw passion. She was leaning into me, so I pulled away from her long enough to lead her back to her kitchen island. I hoisted her up on the counter and let my palms rest upon her thighs.

I haven't felt a rush like this since I was with her all those years ago. She just had something that made me burn. I started kissing her neck, the way that I knew she loved. I heard her let out almost inaudible moans, and it turned me on all the more.

She suddenly pushed me away and hopped off the counter.

"What's wrong?" I asked, confused and standing there with, now, extremely tight jeans.

"Just follow me," She grabbed my hand and walked me up the stairs to a lofted hallway. She pushed open a door and turned on the light. It appeared to be the master bedroom. The far side wall was practically a big window, overlooking their property. There was the king bed, neatly made. Her closet was partially opened, and I could see it was the walk-in she always talked about. I'm sure the bathroom had a deep tub and a separate shower with glass doors. She turned to me and looked at me with those emerald eyes.