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My fingers caressed her jawline, and her lips parted. Angel was charismatic, seductive, and magnetic. Tess was inspiring, enigmatic, and captivating. Those sound synonymous, but apart from both being beautiful, brilliant, and successful, they were really nothing alike; but I loved them for the same reasons. There was no denying it. I was in love with Tess.
I caressed my fingers across Tess's parted lips, light as a feather. Just as softly she kissed them. My heart almost stopped. I moved my fingertips to her chin, bent my face down and softly pressed my lips to hers. Her lips were so soft and hot and receptive. I felt as if I was melting into her. I don't know how long we held that first kiss, but when I finally broke it to look at her face, her eyes were still closed.
"Please kiss me again," she whispered.
So, I did, and I didn't stop kissing her for who knows how long. It was soft and slow and even describing it as 'making out' feels like it cheapens is somehow. It was the purest thing I had experienced in a long time. Natural movement slid me down in my seat and her upward, almost but not quite into my lap. This left us with me hugging her to my chest and her head on my shoulder.
"I've wanted to do that for so long," she whispered up to me, as if saying it any louder would wake us from a dream.
"Why didn't you?"
"Because I'm shy and stupid."
"What? You're neither of those things."
"You have no idea, Elain. I wanted you so badly, but I was so afraid of messing up what we had."
"I have been in a weird spot too," I confessed. "I wanted you so much, and I was having such a wonderful time, but I didn't even know if you were interested in me that way. Hell, I don't even know if you like girls."
"I guess we never openly talked about it, but I thought you knew. Zoë is my favorite over Mal or Simon, remember? And our first movie was Labyrinth, with David Bowie... a bisexual icon. Oh sugar, I thought you knew. I certainly thought you were bi and confirmed it our first night together talking about your photographs. I'm so sorry I've been confusing you all this time."
"So... you are bi?" I'm slow sometimes.
"Something like that. I've always thought of myself as mostly a lesbian, but whatever," she kissed me deeply for several moments. "I'm into you, and that's what's happening."
"I knew we had something, but I was afraid to think it could be this."
"What is this then? To you?"
"Being able to hold onto you. Being able to be close to you in an open and intimate way and being able to be honest with you about the way I feel."
"And how do you feel, sugar?" she asked, looking me right in my green eyes with her bright blue ones.
"Straight talk?"
"Straight as in direct? Then yes."
"I feel like -- no, not feel -- I'm certain I have fallen in love with you. I didn't expect it, and I wasn't looking for it, but it feels so natural that I'm falling into it joyously. I've had boyfriends and girlfriends and flings and regrets, but this is something else -- something pure."
Tess, completely maddeningly, just nodded and put her head back on my shoulder and hugged me.
"Well!?"
"I'm trying," she said quietly.
"I'm sorry," I said and kissed her forehead.
She started slowly, "Do you know what it's like to find someone who makes you feel safe in the world?"
"Yes," without hesitation.
"Someone who accepts you for who you are, but..."
"Inspires you to be the best version of yourself?"
"You do understand."
"I do."
"I have never had that, outside of my nuclear family -- not with friends, not with colleagues, not with partners or lovers. They always wanted me to change for them or only valued me for what I could do -- not for who I was. I have been an asset, a trophy, a confidant, a support, a project, a toy, a fling, a conquest, a -- what have you. What I have never been is truly known or truly loved. What I also never been is a victim. I am worth more than that, and I know it. I won't stay where I'm not valued, so I didn't. My mama didn't raise a fool... and if she did, it's my brother."
I literally laughed out loud at that. You can't take the Southern out of the girl.
Tess smiled and continued, "But this is different. I delight in just being with you, and you seem to adore me for nothing other than who I am. It's so simple that I have been afraid to trust it, but I can say that I don't like being away from you. I ache to be with you when we're apart. When I'm with you, I don't want to be anywhere else. I fit right here."
An aside -- there is a cliché, "Question: What do lesbians take on the second date? Answer: U-hauls" that speaks to the tendency of gay women to instantly bond and nest together. So, I will back this up a bit for context. By this point, Tess and I had worked together for two years. A year and a half of that had been working closely on a nearly daily basis, for long hours, and under tremendous pressure sometimes. The past year or so of which was when we really became friends, beginning with that Firefly exchange in her office with Kevin. We were already bonded through teamwork, but then became friends. Yes, we had only been on four dates (which only in retrospect I accepted that they had been), but even that had been over the course of months due to travel schedules and work.
Point being, by way of justification, and in contrast to how quickly I rushed into some of my previous relationships, Tess and I were moving glacially slowly with each other. At the time it didn't seem like it, but hindsight reflection showed us how many miles we had already travelled together before that first real kiss. I was as surprised as she was, but it helped us feel more mature about it.
I hugged her to me, "I think you do too."
"What I'm trying to say," she continued, "is that I'm in love with you Elain."
There it was. I just told Tess that I loved her, and she just told me that she loved me. This was suddenly real. I cried -- talk about clichés -- and held her close. I'm definitely an emotional woman, but I'm not generally a crier. That speaks to the level of emotional shifting going on inside me. I loved Angel and still do. I loved Ethan and still do. I was in love with Tess, and I never wanted to let her go. It felt different, and I could tell it was different. You know when you know, you know?
We kissed and talked until late that night about how we ended up where we were and fell asleep in each other's arms. I could feel her big soft breasts and hard nipples rubbing through the flannel of our pajamas against my own, but that is as sexual as it got. That's just not where our heads were, and I appreciate your patience with the continued lack of sex in this narrative so far. I'm being true to events.
From here, things begin to accelerate in multiple ways. It's all good.
*****
We spent Sunday together, holding hands, and going on a hike in a nearby national wilderness -- Tess is an outdoors kind of Southern girl, I had not mentioned that. We went for a ride after that, and I told her about my dreams for a new bike. We cooked a simple dinner at my place, cuddled for a while, I kissed her good night, and she drove home. It was simple and natural, but awesome.
Now, here is a testament to the type of people we are. Monday morning, we followed up on a plan we had made the previous day. The two of us and Kevin had a two o'clock meeting with Gayle, the head of HR, under the auspice that no violations or complaints were being lodged but that we just needed some advice.
"You two are not even on my radar as problem children," began Gayle. "What can I help with?"
Tess looked at me, so I broached it, "Well, Tess and I have started dating. We don't share a direct chain of command and have no budgetary ties, but we wanted to make sure we weren't doing something that could get us or the company in trouble according to the rules."
Gayle blinked several times and shook her head. Kevin laughed out loud and clapped his hands.
"Dammit," said Gayle and slid a twenty-dollar bill across her desk to Kevin, which he scooped up and waved triumphantly. "Kevin was right. I bet that it would take at least until after Christmas break before we had this conversation, but he bet it would be before the close of the fiscal year."
"What?" said Tess and I together.
"It is my job to keep an eye on my engineers and to know their patterns," said Kevin calmly. "Tess, you're often too hard to read, but Elain is clearly head over heels for you. I figured it was only a matter of time. Why do you think I put Elain on the fast track unnamed program while you headed off for working group and quarterly meetings? It further separated command structure, and it gave her something to focus on while you were gone that would show complete independence from the thermo department and give her a chance to shine. My only regret there is that I feel like Elain has damn near killed herself on the program, and I worry I've taken advantage of her."
"That is shortly to be remedied," said Gayle, "but the short answer to you both is nothing about you dating violates anything in the rules or restrictions as long as you abide by the normal HR regulations for sexual harassment. You are both model employees and responsible adults, and the fact that you are here asking these questions tells me we have nothing to worry about. Other than that, I only want to say, be happy and control who knows what to your advantage. Don't let rumors get ahead of the truth."
"Thank you both," said Tess with a big sigh.
"What did you mean 'remedied'?" I asked Gayle.
"Let that go until next week," said Kevin. "You're busy enough."
"True," I said, back to business. "We're close enough we may finish this week, which would be a month early. Don't worry about taking advantage of me. You put me on hit-squad work for a reason -- I'm good at it."
"Then quit talking and get back on certification and change board paperwork!" said Kevin and shooed me out of the office. "Tess, please stay for a minute so we can discuss something else," he said as I closed the door.
Bullet dodged. Back to work. Walking on air.
*****
Dick's team and my team did finish final reports and drawings by the end of the week, and the certification group was sitting on go to submit the project. Our hard work had completely paid off and even with premium lab rates and overages, rush freight, and all the other stuff you do fast that costs money, coming in early and doing it right the first time saved the division a quantity of dollars in range of some number followed by five zeros.
Big damn heroes, sir. Ain't we just.
Bullet dodged. Back to a more sane schedule. Engineering glory.
*****
That weekend was a surprise. Tess was making the drive over to see her parents, and she wanted me to go along, so she picked me up early after my morning swim. It turns out her folks lived only a couple of hours away. I was nervous to meet them, but Tess assured me they were fine with me tagging along. We planned on telling them in person that we were now together.
Quick aside -- calling both of Tess's parents Dr. Wörlein was redundant and too formal. Both of their first names started with G, but I felt uncomfortable calling them by their first names. The compromise they insisted on was that I call them Mama G and Papa G, so that is how they are named in this narrative. I didn't write their accents either, because they were even harder to nail down than Tess's, and they talk so rapidly that it is challenging to describe it in print.
"Hello sweetheart," Mama G said as soon as she opened the door and swept Tess into a hug.
I've written previously that they say you can see a woman's future by looking at her mother. If that is true, Tess is going to age beautifully (aside -- she is). Mama G had a bit of a Helen Mirren look -- gorgeous, fit, and elegant, but slightly intimidating until she smiled. She had a resonant musical voice, and I would find out later that she was a classically trained alto.
"Tessa!" from Papa G, who also swept Tess into a hug.
Papa G was the opposite of his wife. He was short, rumpled, pudgy, and bouncy. He reminded me irresistibly of Penfold from the old Dangermouse cartoons. I mentioned this to him years later, and he thought it was hilarious and immediately did an impression of Professor Heinrich Von Squawkencluck from the series. I swear the whole family are nerds.
"Hello Elain," said Mama G, moving past her daughter. "May I hug you?"
"Of course!"
"It's so good to finally meet you."
"Finally?"
"Oh yes, we have heard so much about you and have been anxious to be introduced."
"Good things, I hope?"
"Nothing but," said Mama G.
"Hör auf, Mama. Das ist mir peinlich," said Tess.
"Schmarrn!" shushed Mama G.
It turns out that Tess had been talking to her parents a lot about me. When she saw them the weekend after our Labyrinth date, she had apparently gushed to them about little else. In typical Mom fashion, Mama G repeated a lot of it to me so that I could confirm or deny it, all the while Tess sat by interjecting "Mama!" every few minutes. I helped Papa G make lunch, and he and I connected over motorcycles. Apparently, he had an old Triumph Bonneville T120 back in the 60s in Austria and rode it to death.
"Nothing handles like a Triumph," he said, "but they had all their wiring done by Lucas Electric. Very bad. I replaced every bit of it. Lucas, Prince of Darkness, we used to say."
Over lunch, we told them we were in a relationship but didn't mention the L-word. They took it in stride and seemed grateful that I was a sensible woman with a good math background. No kidding, Papa G said that. Mostly what we talked about was work. Both of Tess's parents had maintained active security clearances at the second highest level from the same adjudicating agency we did, because they were still consulting on programs that required them. Because of that, they knew what we could and couldn't talk about.
They were excellent sources of historical wisdom and really good at big picture view things. I can see why Tess valued their input so much. They were also really down to earth and genuinely nice people, and I could see why Tess liked spending time with them. I found out from Tess on the way back home that Mama G is a breast cancer survivor, so another reason for frequent visits is that Tess likes to eyeball her every few weeks.
"We like you very much, sweetheart" said Mama G as we got ready to leave late that afternoon. "You are welcome back any time, and I hope we see a lot of you."
How's that for an endorsement from the powers that be? It doesn't get any clearer than that.
Aside -- I had kept Angel and my parents up to date as well during this time, and they were thrilled. I called my mom later that weekend and told her all about meeting Tess's folks. She had been a little intimidated by the whole physicist thing (Mom was an un-degreed artist), but I explained how grounded they were, and that they really seemed to like me for who I am.
Bullet dodged. Our relationship was out to her parents, and they approved. Walking on air.
*****
Tess and I were a little giddy all the way back home because of how well the visit went. Tess was driving one-handed and holding my left hand in her lap as she drove. I remember feeling how warm her lap was on top of her skirt, and it made me tingle. I was feeling very close to her and triumphantly possessive now that we were 'out' to all the important people. We moved on to attempting to plan dinner -- something different since we were burned out on Italian. I seem to remember that we settled on seafood. I specifically remember it wasn't something spicy or heavy on garlic.
Out of the blue she said, "Let's go back to my place after dinner tonight."
"I was wondering when I would be invited," I said, which prompted a couple of minutes of silence from Tess.
"Sorry?" I said when I couldn't stand it anymore.
"No sugar, it's me who should apologize. I said I was shy and stupid."
"And I said you were neither of those things."
"And I said, you have no idea."
"Well, person-to-whom-I-have-admitted-my-earnest-love, explain it to me."
Tess squeezed my hand. I'm not slick, but I occasionally say the right thing.
"Who I am at work is who I have to be to get the job done. It's really me -- what you see is what you get -- which I know is something you love about me -- but it's a layer of professionalism and expertise on top of a shy, private woman. People are loyal to me because I'm good at what I do and because I do it with joy - and that's appropriate - but they aren't loyal to me for who I am."
"Except for me."
"Right, except for you. I have a difficult time letting people get close to me, and... well... I hide when I'm not at work. My home is my sanctuary."
"I think everyone is like that to a certain extent, Tess. There is nothing wrong with that. Home is where you are supposed to feel safest."
"Logically I get that, but I still feel like I intentionally wall myself in. Home is where I can control everything, so there are no surprises or unexpected pressures."
"Ahh," I said, catching on. "Bringing someone else into that space disrupts it no matter who they are. I get that."
"You do, but I need to extend that 'except for you' sentiment to my space. I love you, and I want to invite you into all my spaces."
"You can trust me."
"I know that, and it's time I took action to validate that. Not isolating is a change I need to make in my life anyway, but especially for you."
We had our dinner and then went back to Tess's place as promised, via a very short detour by my place to check on Fabulous and put down some food for her. I had the same feeling I always did at the sight of Tess's house. It was sterile looking and blended into all the other houses around it in an instantly forgettable, zero-personality kind of way. It looked like someone else took care of the yard and the lights were probably on a timer. We pulled into the attached garage, which was unnaturally spotless. It contained the car, and that was it. No dirt or oil drips or spiders in the corners. That was just plain weird. Still Tess was all smiles as she unlocked the door to the inside of the house. Beyond that threshold everything changed.
It was a riot (although a carefully constructed one) of color and shape. Nearly every wall was filled with arrangements of reproduction artwork - Wassily Kandinsky, Piet Mondrian, Yayoi Kusama, Paul Klee, Gustav Klimt, even some Picasso that I recognized -- all in bright, stimulating colors. Where there wasn't artwork, there were shelves and cases of books and DVDs interspersed with memorabilia and toys related to her passions -- scale models of starships and dragons and a Tardis and a full size lightsaber - the hilt of which appeared to have been machined from aluminum and brass and the 'blade' actually glowed (the things you can do when you have access to a machine shop, a waterjet, and a million dollar CAD system). The lighting would have impressed Angel, and the furniture was also all in bright primary colors and soft shapes. It was a mixture of a museum and a kid's playroom. I loved it, and that was just the living room. Everywhere you looked was something clearly chosen to make you feel comfortable and happy. The kitchen and office had similar energy, and her bedroom immediately made me think of the word she had used for mine -- a nest. It was all softness and warmth and comfort done in the most immaculate taste. Tess had been accurate in her description. The place was a sanctuary.
