Lemon to Lemonade Ch. 01

As I walked off to do as I was told mum quipped, "You also need cooking lessons. Last night's meal was barely digestible. How James ever put up with your slop I'll never know. I'll take full responsibility for that one. I should have had you in the kitchen teaching you how to look after your husband who was breaking his back looking after you." This was another statement I could not argue with because I very rarely cooked. James was perfectly happy toiling away in the kitchen, and I was perfectly happy to allow him to do it.

Looking at the basement, I saw just how much work I had to look forward to. It made me realise that since I was doing most of the housework, it left mum enormous amounts of time to think up my next punishment. My ever present tears rolled down my cheeks as I got to work.

~...~

I got home after delivering some stuff to a charity mum works for, I don't have more than five minutes to myself anymore. When I went to my room, I found it empty. I stood there frightened I was finally being thrown out of my parent's house as well.

Mum's voice brought me back to the here and now. "You'll find your stuff in your room which is now in the basement. Until you can show your father and me that you are a civilised human being and not some crazed sexual animal, then you don't deserve to live in the house proper with us!"

I ran through the house and down into the basement. I stood there and bawled my eyes out. This had to be the last straw. I slumped to the floor on seeing everything just dumped in the middle of the room. This was going to take hours if not days to sort into any sort of liveable, let alone likable accommodation. Mum had let me know that my usual chores will take priority over anything that concerned my comfort. This meant I was sleeping on a bare mattress on the floor for a couple of days at least until I could organise the room properly.

~...~

Months passed and I kept my head down and my nose clean. The house had never looked so spritely. I didn't do it for my parent's approval so much, although it was in the back of my mind. Of course I wanted to show them I could be responsible. However, it was more to keep myself occupied and stop dwelling on what I had lost.

It showed in the fact that mum started to run out of housekeeping ideas. It gave me a sort of satisfaction I may be proving myself to her in some small way, or maybe it was a bit of passive rebellion. I knew it wouldn't last. She regrouped and decided I need a little community spirit. The next project she conjured up for me was to go down to Mrs Pascoe's place and help her out.

Beverley Pasco was a long time friend of my mother's, although she was a good thirty or so years older. Her husband had passed away years ago and her children were overseas. Mrs Pasco had just undergone a hip replacement and needed home help until she could move around without a walking frame.

I have to admit I spent every spare minute down there, just to get out of the house and avoid mum's controlling influence. I was tiding up Mrs Pasco's dining room when she asked me to make us both a cup of tea and take a break. I did as she requested, sitting quietly not saying much.

"So how are you faring these days Kelly?" Mrs Pasco questioned. I didn't know how to respond. I wasn't sure just how much she knew of my circumstances.

I brighten, although it felt artificial and I'm sure it showed on my face. "I'm good Mrs Pasco, things are going well..." I was lying through my eyeteeth and I couldn't go on.

Mrs Pasco smiled knowingly. "That bad huh?"

I nodded with tears starting to brim in my eyes. I swiped at them and choked. "I don't know how much you know of my marriage break up. While I don't think it's entirely my fault, I really don't think I deserve everything that has happened. I do know I've been a bad person and I've hurt a lot of people! Three people in particular...my mother, my father, and the man I was married to, James." I was crying again and I couldn't stop it.

Mrs Pasco just sat there grim faced, nodding. "I know, Marcie has told me all about it. She's been trying to keep you busy...the old saying holds true here...idle hands are the devil's tools!"

"I've heard a saying something like that but it was different...an idle mind is the devil's playground!"

Mrs Pasco smiled. "There are many variations to the saying, but the one I gave you goes back to the twelfth century, and is credited to Geoffrey Chaucer, an English author, poet, philosopher among other things."

I suddenly realised this woman sitting here wasn't just some little old lady, but someone who had a wealth of knowledge and the insight that came with age. I somehow felt buoyed a little bit by this revelation. Was this what it is like not to have my head shoved up my own arse?

I had another thought. Mrs Pasco, while knowing of my infidelity, didn't throw it in my face like everyone else. While I understood why everyone was so pissed at me, the constant condemnation didn't help my mindset. Mrs Pascoe treating me like a decent, if not entirely competent person helped me to take her criticism with a large grain of salt. I was trying my best to understand. She most definitely didn't like what I had done, but she had the good grace to keep it out of her comments so as not to let emotions cloud the issue.

Mrs Pasco continued. "You know your mother has been hurting ever since she found out you cheated on James. I've been able to help her a little bit, but she really needs to work it out with you. You two need to sit down and talk it through, and I don't just mean lip service either. I mean really get into the muck and thrash it out, find the core reason for your betrayal. Then and only then will you both be able to move on and find the love and peace you both deserve!"

I looked over at her sympathetic smile. "Mrs Pasco, there's nothing I would like more than being able to talk freely with mum again. I don't know what to do! I don't know myself why I did what I did? I know if I talked to her now, I would just hurt her more. The hurt I have already given her is unbearable. How can I talk this out with her without doing that?"

"To start with, please lay off the Mrs Pasco stuff. I already know I'm old and I don't need a young whipper snapper like you reminding me every ten minutes, call me Bev!" Her face showed she wasn't offended and I had to giggle between sniffing back my melancholy.

Bev patted my hand affectionately and continued, "What I'm going to say next won't be pleasant but I have to say it. You're worried about hurting your mother further, well let me tell you, you WILL hurt her, and I dare say a darn sight more before this is over."

"There is nothing you can do now to stop that. No matter what you do or say, not saying anything will hurt her a hell of a lot more. Therefore it's up to you, do nothing and destroy your relationship with your family, or risk the hurt you know will come and pray that everything works out in the end."

"There's no easy way out of this, is there?"

Bev shook her head. "Nothing worth fighting for is ever easy my dear!"

I nodded my understanding. "I can see hard roads ahead! I just hope I can repair them enough to stop ending up in a ditch."

"You're on the right track to start. You've started your journey admitting you were in the wrong, and that no one else can take that blame."

I smiled sadly and then looked at the clock. "Ohhh crap! I have to get home to see to dinner or mum will skin me alive!"

Bev tittered. "Relax Kelly, she's not that bad. The reason you're down here is because she thinks it's time you had someone to help sort out your problem." Bev grinned. "That and the fact she's so impressed by your housekeeping, she's run out of things for you to do."

I laughed as I got up. "Just the same, I don't want to go backwards here. I will ask you one favour though. I'd like to talk to you more about what went wrong, if it's okay with you?"

Bev got up painfully and shuffled with her walking frame to the door with me. "It would give an old lady great pleasure to have you to chat with. You don't have to wait for your mum to send you down, you're welcome anytime."

I smiled at the kindness Bev showed me. "Thanks Bev, you have no idea just how much I needed a receptive ear and some solid council."

I left feeling better about my situation than I had since all my troubles started. I knew now that they started the day I met up with Pamela and let myself be dragged into their cauldron of perversion. All I needed to find out was why I was so easily led. Maybe then I would have something to talk to mum about?

Mum came home from where ever she was for the day to the smell of roast beef and baked veggies. She stood in the doorway to the kitchen for some minutes before addressing me. "So, what have you been up to while I've been out?"

I smiled to myself. Mum was suspicious since I looked happier and I found it funny that I didn't feel slighted by her lack of trust. Trust was something that was going to take some time to re-establish. "Nothing...I did as you asked, I watched a couple of cooking shows on television while I was at Be...Mrs Pascoe's. They did a roast and she gave me a few hints. I thought I'd have a go at it."

I turned the light on in the oven to check it. "I'm hoping it turns out right." I stood up and went back to the sink to finish washing some knives and forks. "I then helped Mrs Pascoe with some gardening. She's moving a little easier, but still has trouble getting around. If you don't mind, I'll go down every day to see that she's not having any trouble. I'll be sure not to let it interfere with my chores here."

I was looking mum straight in the face and I could see the surprise eat into her suspicion, but she didn't take it further. "Okay, good...I ahhh...I'll be tied up for the next week or two. Keep this place neat and tidy and I won't mind you spending your free time down at Beverley's, as long as you don't annoy her. You got that?"

I nodded my understanding and repeated. "Yes mum!" but in a more light-hearted tone of voice and mum frowned, but didn't pick me on it. Dinner was as normal as it had been since I moved back in, but for some reason I didn't feel as much of an outsider. Maybe it was my mood that made the difference? Mum even commented on my roast, although she didn't go overboard with the compliments. Dad as usual didn't say a word, but that didn't stop him from going back for seconds. From then on, every chance I got to head down to Beverley's, I took it.

~...~

It's been over twelve months now since my marriage exploded in my face, and mum knocked on my door to my room in the basement. I was mildly surprised since she had never done this before. Instead she'd just walk straight in. I suppose she thought an errant child has no right to privacy. Hell, I hadn't had a door until last month, when I came home to find that dad had put one on. I thanked him, but he just grumbled some inaudible comment and went on about his business. I took that as acceptance of my gratitude...well he did actually acknowledge me, and that in itself was a step forward.

"Your father and I have a wedding to go to today. What are your plans?"

I may be mostly invisible to all and sundry, but that doesn't mean I'm totally in the dark. I knew who's wedding my parents were invited to and it made my stomach tie itself in knots. "I think I'll spend the day with Mrs Pascoe, if it's alright with you?"

Mum nodded and turned to go. I could see she wanted to say something more, but didn't know how to bring it up, so I took the initiative. "Will you give James my best wishes? Tell him...tell him I really am sorry for what I did to him and our marriage. Tell him I'm glad to see his life is getting back on track." What I said was a half-truth, I didn't want James to marry someone else, but I knew that he deserved to be happy. Moreover, I knew by now that I wasn't going to be the one to make that happen.

Mum stopped at what I had said but didn't turn around. She had her head down as though in thought. "I'm pleased you said that Kelly. I don't know if it will make James any happier, but I will tell him for you, I'll promise you that. You know I've been helping Michelle with their wedding plans? She doesn't have any parents to help her. Your father is walking her down the aisle and we're both on the wedding table. I felt I had to do something to...to...."

Although this was news to me, I wasn't surprised, I knew my parents well enough to know mum and dad would do this for James. It did make me slightly jealous, but I understood. "I know mum!" I cut in, although this bit of information really did make my stomach cramp, I managed to console her. "Don't worry about it; you're doing the right thing. I know how much James means to you. I know how much you mean to James. I know he'll be feeling anxious about what you think of his marrying someone else. You doing this will help him not feel so bad about it."

Mum went to go again. "Mum?" She stopped again but still didn't turn to face me. "I am truly sorry for everything I did. I don't know how to make it right. I doubt it can ever be put right. I do love you and it kills me to see you so sad over something I did. I've been talking with Mrs Pascoe, and she has given me a totally different perspective. When the time is right, maybe you and I can sit down and I'll try to answer all your questions."

Mum turned to look at me with tears streaming down her face. Then she came back and hugged me. "When the time is right we'll know Kelly. Until then, you keep working on improving yourself and I'll be only too happy to give you the support you need."

Mum let go of me and sniffed. "Damn, now I have to go repair my face before your father sees the mess I'm in." She patted my arm and left me feeling mixed emotions.

I sat there for ages thinking. My whole life had been made up of everything to do with me. Until now, no one had been more important than me. I see that kind of thinking only leaves you on your own with no one to turn to for help when times are bad. Why should anyone help someone as conceited and self-centred as that? I overheard mum telling dad that James had thanked all his friends for helping him though his marriage break up.

I had to laugh at myself. "What of my so called friends? Where were they when I needed them most? I'll tell you where they were, they were nowhere to be found. I had no friends, what I had were leeches that suck the life out of me! I had effectively alienated anyone who would have possible come to my aid. I got the life I worked so damn hard for only to find it wasn't what I wanted."

When I accused him of hurting our friends, James snapped me at the courthouse and said 'they weren't our friends, they were your friends!' I now realise they weren't even my friends. To them I was some stupid donkey being lead around by a carrot on a stick that was firmly jammed up my arse!

Beverley was sitting on the back veranda knitting in the midmorning warmth of a winter's sunshine. "Morning Bev, winter will be over by the time you finish that jumper!"

"That'll be enough out of you young lady! I'm almost finished. What brings you down to annoy an old lady while she's having fun?"

I stood for a minute before answering and Beverley picked up on my hesitation. "Ohhh that's right, your mum and dad are off to a wedding today!"

I nodded dejectedly. "I know I deserve it, but it hurts just the same."

Bev shook her head. "That's just your perception Kelly. James finished punishing you a long time ago. What James is doing now has nothing to do with you. He is just getting on with his life! The same as we're trying to do for you. Michelle and Sarah are good people, I like them both!"

My head snapped up and the question was plastered all over my face, but I said it anyway. "When did you meet them?"

Beverley just grinned. "When I was in hospital having my hip replaced. James came to see me and brought Michelle and Sarah with him. He's a lucky man to have the friendship of two beautiful women, although I don't cotton to what I hear about what goes on at their place. I don't think it's right, but it isn't my place to judge." Bev was frowning as she finished.

"For once I agree with you Bev, but...well, I suppose it's for a different reason." I shouldn't have been surprised James would go and see Bev in hospital. It was something in his nature to be concerned for other's welfare. Another of his qualities I had effectively sidestepped and taken for granted.

To get off the subject of James and his marriage, I commented on Bev's knitting again. "So you're almost finished knitting? I can't see how since you've been knitting for the last two weeks solid. And what is it your knitting?"

Bev looked up over her glasses. "Bed socks! Have a look in that box right near your feet." I opened the box and found almost dozens of pairs of bed socks in all colours and patterns.

"Wow, who are these for?"

Bev chortled. "They're for the church fete next Sunday. I knit for the church winter fete every year. It's my little bit to give back to the community who have been so kind to me after my Walter passed on."

"After all these years, you still miss him, don't you?"

Beverley let out a wistful sigh. "Yeah, I miss the old bastard!"

My eyebrows rose at Bev comment and she smiled. "I loved the prick and I still do, but you and I know that husbands can be a pain in the neck sometimes, no different to wives. He called me some names that hurt, and I called him some that he wrote down for later. We had some really good times, some not so good, to some that really were the pits. But all in all we were good together."

Bev finished one sock and started on another, looking up every now and then to look at me. "I've cried on his shoulder and he took comfort in my arms. We were a team as solid as granite and as fluid as water. The most important thing was we both knew that no matter what, we had each other's back in a crisis. No matter what he called me in frustration, I knew that if anyone else had said the same he would have taken their heads off at the shoulders."

I tried to relate this to my marriage to James and although I could see James doing something similar, I couldn't say for sure that I would have done the same. That revelation made me cringe with self-loathing. "I'm embarrassed to say that I can't say the same for me!"

"I know Kelly, and you want to know why?" I scanned her face and shivered anticipating the answer I might get, but bit the bullet and nodded. Beverley smiled as she probably knew I wasn't going to like her answer. "Because you loved you more than you loved James!"

I knew it and felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It was no surprise but it hurt just the same. "But I did and still do love him!"

Bev looked me straight in the eye but never stopped her knitting. Her fingers seemed to know what to do without her thinking about it. "Ohhh I have no doubt that you loved him in your own way my dear. The problem was how that love manifested itself. You loved what James could do for you, what he could give you, and how he treated you."

She looked down at what she was doing. "That's not true love Kelly. To love someone you have to forgive their faults as you admire strengths. I'll ask you this, was there anything you tried to change about James?"

I felt a cold chill go through me. "I...I...yeah, there were things about James I wanted to change, how'd you know?"

Bev cackled. "Simple my dear, stupid women do it all the time. I don't mean all women are stupid, just ones who try to do it are stupid! What was it that attracted you to James in the first place?"

I didn't have to think about that one. "He is almost the perfect husband, funny, considerate, helpful, a good provider, protective and loving. The only thing that I wasn't happy with was his anal obsession with his name." I hesitated and then finished with a little embarrassment, "That and I'd have liked a more exciting sex life."