All Comments on 'Lemonade'

pretty, but impossible to eat. TK U MLJ LV NV

Could have shortened it.

I loved the twist at the end. Has a real Alfred Hitchcock feel to it.

and why? Whatever. The story was ok.

Fine story.Nice twist at the end. Look forward to more from you

Nice build up, and the writing is good. Not the usual story, but very entertaining. Nor was it overly long. I liked how you kept the "culprit" in the background, until the very end. I enjoyed the story.

This is more of an outline of a good story with major elements missing.

But a good story, well written! Thanks for all the twists and the interesting characters!

this one made me smile at the irony of how it ended... just a bit off the beaten path

What just happened? I guess something (or somebody) is buried in the lemon grove, but the rest of the story simply has not been told or even suggested to a reader with a rational mind. Who (plural?) did what to whom, and when?

Loved the story and the ending had a different twist that was not expected. Keep up the good work.

I know it's hard to know what to put in and what to leave out in a short story. You picked the wrong name though. As soon as the lemon trees were delivered I guessed the end.

You could have probably left out the love affair between the cops and expanded more on the relationship between Doug and the neighbor.

Still a good story.

Overall, a great plot and above-average dialogue. It was also nice that you used mostly dialogue to tell the story rather than descriptive prose, which gives it all a snappier feel.

The problem, though, as clearly pointed out by several commenters, is that it's simply too short. You started off great, then let the case linger for a few months, then found the boyfriend, got the cops laid for no apparent reason other than to add sex to the mix, then showed the neighbor lady making her move and smiling at the graves in her backyard.

While the twist was nice, it's better--I believe--when we can see the suspense building, almost guess the ending without just having it thrown at us. One of the commenters compared this to Hitchcock, but I think they're wrong. Remember Hitchcock's great quote, which was the guiding principle in all of his movies: Show two men talking then a bomb goes off, you have a moment of shock and surprise; show the same two men, then show the viewers (readers) glimpses of the bomb with the ticker winding down and you have true edge-of-your-seat suspense.

I just think you could've really done a lot more to build the suspense.

Then again, it was still an enjoyable little read, and I truly thank you for that.

I rarely say this but this story needed to be longer. Not super long, but about 50% longer.

Who actually did the crime and how? Yeah, I get that the bodies were beneath the lemon trees, but exactly how was Chantelle involved?

Did one of the detectives do the crime? Come on, don't hide the ending.

...for Chantelle to think out loud - something like - they sure looked nice laying there together, the lemon tree will flourish well with their nutrients...or something.

Different kind of story, I enjoyed it.

Thanks!

What's happening here?

A solid read , not w/o flaws noted by previous commentators. Shuttle pilot is stepping up his game if not his dames which are coming across as two dimensional .

Likewise the principal men veer very close to living saints . This author is noted & appriciated for doing his best to liven up a slow day insofar as today's submissions of quality in this genre of story. My thanks go to him.

Intriguing beginning. What happened to the wife and her lover? What happened? Who did it? What’s up with the two cops? Will Doug find happiness? The end as it is, is unsatisfactory though. As a cliff-hanger it is satisfactory… but only if you provide a follow up. It needs completion in further chapters. But the set up promises much… if you complete it that is! Please do!

THIS STORY IS UNFINISHED PLEASE COMPLETE IT..;.

This story was well though out. It needed a bit more to really tighten up the story'

You needed something more obvious to tie e bedroom scene inscene in. Hey I'm happy her partner got lucky. I just can't hook that scene to the story. But that's OK my wife (40 years) tells me that I'm anal all the time

It was hard to tie the neighbor to the central plot.

But, what the hell - I was entertained and that is the point.

Dam good job.

CWS

Gréât Little store.

The brother-in-law threw the lamp into the TV which is why the cops told him to leave the house for his own good. He agreed, not wanting to go to jail, again.

Chantelle did the deed, the husband was as much in the dark as anyone else. She must have been aware of what the wife was doing and decided to do something about it. The story itself says she knew what was under there, having to dig the holes.

The author believes that the reader is intelligent enough to fill the gaps... after all, it is a mystery.

I liked this better then "You can't throw everything away".

For one thing, the 'protagonist' wasn't as pathetic as the husband there...though that is a matter of degree and not a change in substance.

The dialouge wasn't bad, though it drifted a bit. The comments regarding the television were pretty close. One could figure it out, but it felt like an unnecessary effort on our part.

The comments about the sudden emergence of the murderer, the obvious tie in to the title, and the lack of build up have already been made.

Yes, these things are all true. But that being said, it's a huge improvement as Lordslamdawg stated. Your stories are getting much better. And writing an engaging mystery is not easy.

I looke forward to your next submission.

I seem to remember reading a story very similar to this one. The first story was polished. This story seemed to be missing several pieces and seemed to end without resolution. Is there going to be more to the story?

This man has no luck at all. What is going to happen if he does not make her legs quake? Good luck hoss.

what actually happened to Ricci and Doug's wife is not completely clear. The story is like one of those LAPD- Sargent Friday cases as aired on radio a half century ago. Your story is timely and keeps readers glued to the story to its end.

In future stories try to provide more details on locations. Being in southern California, I had a devil of a time trying to track the route the two LAPD detectives took to reach Terri's sister: the 101 to Ventura, then back to Los Angeles driving south on the Coast highway? Where did Doug and Terri live? If Doug Portelli was rather well to do, why did his wife deal in drugs? I look forward to reading further Sargent Friday - type stories written by you.

I didn't quite understand where the LAPD detectives having sex fit into the story, it seemed as if it was just thrown into the mix as the last resort to put some sex in the story.

It would have been better if the cheated on husband would have screwed the lady from across the street, and found that she was a wild woman in the sack, and they became a loving couple.

Did the lady from across the street, kill his wife and lover and bury them in her back yard under the lemon trees?

Ggood story, creative connections among the characters. I think you could have hinted as to how the neighbor knew about Terri's affair that was in a distant city and how she managed both to do them in and get them to her backyard. Also, there are many well-rated authors whose L.W. stories never have any explicit sex scenes. So the section of the two detectives was a distraction and unnecessary. Still, thanks for you work.

there is no proof or even inference of proof that the lady across the street KNEW what his wife was doing twice a month for a year -- think about it. HOW could she possibly know THAT?!

and there is not a single bit of evidence that she KILLED the cheating Wife and or her college boyfriend.

NONE.

and the sex between the LAPD partners was a total waste of time

ShuttlePilot,

I would kind of agree about detectives having sex, could have built on that a bit during their trip.

Loved the ending, even if others didn't get....

Overall - not as good as previous stories.

I agree with Harryin VA. No way would she have had any knowledge of the wife and boyfriend so I deducted 1*.

especially one that is fond of you. TK U MLJ LV NV

Even better than the author who is likely the only person on earth to know what he thinks or intends lol -

Nosey neighbors can know a lot more about your business than you might think - the detectives made clear reference to the fact that the wife was spending far more than just weekends with the guy - so the neighbor could have a lot of information we were not shown - it is immaterial to the outcome - she knew!.

I liked it, she was a strange cookie indeed and he is now in the cross-hairs and does not even know it - lol I hope she is fun -

Good story keep them coming!

between dwornocck and harry, I dopn't know how they have time to comment with all the stories they write. Did you read their last stories the are so good you can't find them anywhere.

am very tired of self appointed censors unless of course the story is their own biography

Write one version for those with a little intelligence and one for the kindergarten folks like Harry and Dworknob.

While there were minor holes, this was a pretty good story. I agree with FD45. The ability to surprise the reader is difficult unless you deliberately mislead them. And a good mystery usually requires some revelation at the end. You pulled that part off well.

And while some will think that Chantelle's character came out of left field. I think you gave just enough to make the ending plausible.

but assists are in the score book. TK U MLJ LV NV

Good literary points were made about the story by what I call the "intelligent" readers and commentators. Take them to heart and you’ll keep on improving your writing skills.

The others can be read for general amusement or aggravation, depending on your mind set.

Thank you for sharing your stories.

I spaced for a second the cop sex scene threw me off. Anyway nice read keep up the good work. (Though I still believe death is not a fitting punishment)

The cop sex scene is either mostly or totally gratuitous, depending on whether Susan opined that her partner/lover figured out that Chantelle was the vigilante (given something in the interview with her that we, the readers, were not privy to!) Or, that Susan's manmeat suspected, as she did, that hubby had done in his wife and her boytoy, but was willing to not pursue that lead, since he believed it was righteous. Would she then follow her senior partner's lead and let it go, or would she work to solve the case despite her partner? There is not enough information in Susan's apres-sex speculation to figure out who she thought was the vigilante, or who she thought her partner was going to protect (although a cop would not tolerate murder from a neighbor, but just might from an emotionally abused hubby!)

You really have to read between the lines on this story to figure out exactly what happened and how, and who knew what and when. I had to read it a second time before I realized that "Chantelle" actually had an ongoing relationship with him as her personal handyman, and that he's been working for the old lady on all those weekends where his wife was off "visiting her sister". More than enough time for the woman to realize what the man was not guessing himself, because the husband is always the last to know.

Obviously, she ambushed the druggie boyfriend at his own house (too easy), and ambushed the wife on that dark porch that she complained about Doug having no lights on. It's a little bit broken that the police never interviewed "Mrs. Kittrell" seeing as she was Doug's ALIBI when he was the prime suspect, but it's forgivable.

A lot of subtlety and hints. Excellent, excellent job of story telling, full stars.

I feel pretty bad for Doug though, first he gets stuck with a cheating whore for a wife, and now he's being seduced with a psychotic old bat who has killed two people and publicly outed him as a cuckold. Sweet deal for her, not so much for him.

This one is a bit dark - if hubby drove a 'Stang could be an SS06 story. Subtle and well-written story.

At least he got the sex into the story even though it was a bit player. Never had side men in a story get laid so well, but worked for the author and is OK with me since it is his world.

damn, didn't expect that

I did not see that coming....it was great! They need to add a 6th star

Fun story, good and mysterious until the end.

Loved the end.

The world needs more Mrs Kittrells.

I was sure he was responsible and hired someone. So it was a great twist at the end. I liked the tongue in cheek humour.

This story has been for four years. Hard to believe no one has asked, "what happened to Mr. Kittrell". Sure hope Doug keeps Mrs. Kittrell (Chantelle) happy, else he may acquire his own lemon tree.

A really good story, overall. Especially the twist at the end.It may seem a bit disjointed throughout, but the end makes things pretty clear.It was a jigsaw,the smallest piece adds up to the whole.

The conversation between the detectives in the car clearly showed Al's outlook on adultery.Less legal & more moralistic.The sex scene at the end & Susan's thoughts thereafter just proves it.

Al knew about Chantelle & so did Susan.

A nice suspense/twist story in the end.

Shuttlepilot, a full 5 lemons worth of a story.lol

Sometimes it's nice to have nosy neighbors. Especially if they are looking out for you. And kinda like you. Remember, in fiction anything is possible.

Loved the dark twist at the end!

Very enjoyable!

Sweetie is fucking Timmy at HIS place. Unlikely he is going over to her place to pick Sweetie up. Not sure how far Timmy's place in Santa Monica is from Sweetie's place, but it sounds like more than twenty miles. Even if Timmy does sometimes come over to pick her up, how does the lady across the street get both cheaters dead AND fertilizing her lemon trees?

How well do we know our neighbors? What is happening behind the façade they put up? I liked the "old Lady" and she could cook too. I'm not so sure Doug has much to worry about, but he might be destined for one of the trees. I'm not sure she is a murderer outright but she is definitely morally ambiguous. Absolutely forced to give this 5 stars, didn't want to fertilize a lemon tree, don't you know. Thanks for the story.

This one is written is such a manner that it grabbed and held ones attention. The interjection of the sex seen between the two detectives was unnecessary and not needed in this story. It was simply writing sex for the sake of having a sex seen in the tale.

The old lady is a hit woman and can cook. I bet those lemon trees grow real good with al that fertilizer under them. He better never piss her off!

This is good stuff. There was a little hint of the ending in the middle of the story but not enough to ruin the surprise. I love your writing style. I hope you are still writing somewhere.

Well written and clever, especially the dark twist at the end. Husband definitely deserves some love from somebody, might as well be from the lady who gave his cheating wife her just desserts. I kind of figured that Mrs. Kittrell was providing Doug with an alibi for that Friday night; she had him in her house 'till midnight fixing all those small things - it was like she was making stuff up for him to do. So I suspected she had something to do with the wife's disappearance, just not to the extent alluded to in the story. Thanks for posting.

Held the twist right to the end, then only a hint. 5 *

I never even considered Mrs Kittredge. I thought Doug had somehow pulled it off, and was just a good actor. You have some really good work, and I am really glad to find it.

Great story overall but the lemony fresh twist was a hoot! Well done.

Seriously Stephen King-ish! Nice.

Five stars and favorited.

Wonderful story with false leads and diversions.

Great twist ending.

Kudos to you, Sir!

Kudos to you, Sir!

What neat twist. Great tale and well told.

A very original story. I did not see that coming. That was fun! Thank you.

This is better the second time through. A classic little BTB, and the husband didn't do it. Fun story.

I liked it!

Go Lemons!

Five pointy things for the twist.

Nice twist in the end. *****

Seven citrus trees. Why would digging the first hole make the rest easier?

What is the woman planning for him? Did she need help or was she just setting up his alibi?

Who killed the cheaters? If she did, how? Did she do the wood chipper thing on them? How would she have gotten to them to kill them?

Interesting but threads left loose on this yarn (yes, I knit).

Needs more. I'm assuming the body or bodies are buried under the trees? Maybe the first one was harder because it had to be deeper?

Must have good muscles to dig the hole for both bodies and the lemon tree

You are going to make him a fine wife a very fine wife

Great story

Wondered about those lemon trees

...and I still love this story! What a great neighbor!

i'm pretty much a hermit loner. you presume you reader has some smarts. LOVE slap hapy papy #9

One hell of a great twist at the end. The old lady took care of business.

Nice twist , and done with so few words .

Very fun .

Thanks for this

Nice misdirection play.

Now, why do so many authors think cops have virtually unlimited powers? This, for example, is ridiculous: "Mr. Hancock... please, for your own good, leave your wife alone. We're going to overlook the TV business but you're only going to get yourself in jail if you do anything else." Jones hoped the man would listen to his words."

The Gestapo, NKVD, or Stasi may have been able to make such threats, but destroying one's own property in one's own house is 100% lawful. If the MC subsequently broke a mirror, for example, the cops would have NO lawful authority to arrest him. In fact, any such arrest would result in a cause of action by the arrestee against the cops and the department. The cops would also be subject to prosecution, assuming the DA is honest (a big assumption, I know).

Far too many authors and readers exhibit a subservient attitude toward the government and those wearing government costumes.

Ok, think i got it, Chantelle somehow knocked off the wife and lover. Good, no issues w/ that. But I would sure like to know her history, her acquaintances, and then how she either did the deed or planned and arranged it,. 2nd story?

Great story, great ending

Scores 5/5

Great story with a great ending. I'd still like to know how Chantelle did in the cheating wife and her lover, then get her car to a chop shop. Guess it'll remain a mystery. LP

Nice! Charlotte Armstrong-esque!

Ok, Chantelle somehow killed them, but when and how? She provided an alibi for Doug so she had them killed another time.

And what is Susan thinking about puzzling out?

Too much confusion to rate.

confused by the ending sorry

Ha ha ha ha

Way to go neighbor

Enjoy the spoils

Loved the ending. Good little mystery.

Not bad. Ending seemed a bit rushed.

Alfred Hitchcock would love this! * * * * *.