Lennie 01

Lennie 01

As a fore warning, our family, from one end to the other is quite dysfunctional, but we are not "that family" and I only say that fore warning because my cousin, Josh, as usual, is always in the middle of things. Also as usual, everything is always his fault.

[Once a week for three months equals a regular thing]

Oh, no, not for sex. I deliver a Sub Combo dinner to my cousin, Josh, down at the factory early in the week on a regular basis, but only as a spy for his momma and as a welfare check since he moved out into his own apartment. I mean, hey there, I'm Lennie and I think about sex two or three times a week, so, that's what I call a regular thing.

[A slow, yet deliberate walk towards the creepy and poorly lit rear door of the factory at dinner time and when you don't have much sex, then you have time to practice other things like a very slow, yet very deliberate walk]

Well, it's true.

[An unexpected face pops out of the creepy rear factory door]

"So, I mean, hey. I mean, you're Lenny, right?"

"[Spooked] oh, I wasn't expecting anyone other than Josh, but, um, hey and it's pronounced Lennie [hides white food bags behind back], so?"

"Oh, Josh has been mysteriously delayed a couple of minutes by an unexpected job that will keep him occupied for about 3 minutes after the dinner break horn, Lennie, so that leaves you and I somewhat alone under the dim overhead light, so?"

"Oh, and are a few minutes alone at the creepy and poorly lit rear door of the factory enough for you to ask questions about me directly to me then, hmm, factory boy? I mean, if you want to rely on Josh or the rumor mill for your information, then that's your business, but my mouth works, so?"

"[Gulp]"

Well, that didn't come out of my mouth the way I intended it, now did it?

"Oh, well, I won't go straight to accusing you of having a mind as dirty as your factory uniform, just yet, but Josh is my cousin and I only bring him a Sub Combo dinner once a week down here to the factory as his momma's welfare spy. We're a highly dysfunctional family, not a weird family like that, so?"

"Oh, and I know that for the most part because Josh had to put a disclaimer on the breakroom bulletin board that what happened was just..."

"An unfortunate and accidental mistake and unfortunate mistakes happen all the time in life and nothing happened anyways, so, let's get back on track and get out of the gutter, shall we, hmm? But you can tell if that butthead included a photo on his bulletin board disclaimer."

It was an unfortunate mistake people. An innocent, yet unfortunate mistake. But it happened and I haven't found a rewind button yet in life, so. And I think his phone accidently took a couple of photos, which I wouldn't mind owning since we're a dysfunctional family and not that type of family.

"Well, well, well, I mean, I mean, I mean..."

[A quizzical stare down with a toe tapping as if to say let it go]

"Well, I believe you, Lennie, even though you haven't really confirmed nor denied anything, so?"

Fine, well, fine to you followers. He doesn't need to know anything, so, fine, it happened, Josh caught me sun bathing in my backyard in a less than modest swim suit and then he gawked at my basically bare booty for longer than he should have, but it happened and there's no rewinding in real life, let's move on, shall we, hmm?

And once you've been caught like that, I mean, what's the point of changing after that, right? Other than the almost 50 reasons, LOL, that most of you probably just shouted out, tee he. But that's okay since I have a pretty nice booty.

[Oh, so, now there are about 50 shoutouts the other way then because I have a pretty nice booty, hmm? Fine, see Chang homepage and judge my body and booty for yourself with the selfies that I have posted because I have nothing to hide. And if I hear that you found something on Josh's page, I mean, that could be almost anyone face down on chaise lounge chair snoozing under the sun with a thong strap disappearing between the globes.]

"So, have we broken the ice now, Lennie, huh?"

"Not yet, Brent because I'm still trying to figure out if you just call me cold. Which, my body pillow would say different, so, um, well, I shouldn't have said that, so, um, you stutter now until my cousin pops his head out of this creepy rear door for his dinner package, so?"

"Oh, so, um, can we go sit in your truck for a couple of minutes then, huh?"

[Lennie runs that request through the brain processor and receives an annoying alarm bell in return and it sounds like the bell keeps repeating "that's real, abort, that's real, abort, that's real, abort, over and over.]

"Well, that's pretty real, Brent, but there's no time for that and by the way, we're just starting to chip away at the iceberg, so, what the hell, Brent? But I did bring an extra Sub Combo meal with me tonight [extends two white Sub Combo bags], so, I guess that's the biggest chunk of ice that I can axe away from the iceberg tonight since I asked a question or two about you as well, so?"

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and cloudy filtered scenery recollection of just 30 minutes ago at the Pizza Shop]

"(Hello? Spooky flashback lady, why can't I have puffy clouds? I'm freaking adorable!)"

[Stupid prissy missy, purdy boy! A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the flashback recollection of just 30 minutes ago at the Pizza Shop]

"Hah, I'll be happy to make two Sub Combo meals for you tonight, Lennie, if that helps you keep away from my Jimmy J because my Jimmy J is not your personal assessor of how your Denim fits in the back on any given night! Also, it's a nice way to break the ice with your new factory rat crush and you should be prepared for a quick lip smack back as you hand off the second bag, so?"

"Suzie, he's not my factory rat crush! Brent is my creepy rear door stalker down at the factory and that's all. Well, I mean the factory door is creepy, not Brent. Anyways, they come out of the factory at the end of their shift all "ick and ewe" dusty and stuff at the end of their shift anyways, so?"

"Oh, then a nice shower at your place after his shift ends is even a better ice breaker. I mean, imagine this [glances slightly upward and waits for the spooky lady to add more mystical smokey cloud filtering to the think back moment], Brent is in your shower scrubbing his dusty factory body down with soap in the shower and you're sitting just outside of the shower curtain and chit chatting with him and then you hear "fap, fap, fap, fap" and then you whip the shower curtain back, look surprised, lean forward or kneel down and you know, be his transitioning girlfriend. Who stays away from my Jimmy J, so?"

[Poof, all that mystical smokey cloud effects filtering disappears!]

"Earth to Lennie, hello?"

[Wait, turn the mystical smokey cloud filtering back on for a quick minute]

"[Gasp] Suzie, that's so [gulp] real, so?"

"Oh, so you have done it before then, hmm, Lennie? And if you have good dental insurance, Lennie, then you can pucker pack your lips tight around just his mushroom and suck both of his nuts out at..."

[Poof! Poof out, poof, poof, poof, poof, poof!]

"Hello, earth to Lennie, again?"

"[Shakes nice hair style back and forth] oh, Brent, was I speaking or just glancing slightly upwards, hmm?"

"Oh, I think you mumbled something about really wanting to go mushroom picking, but that can be dangerous if you're not a mushroom expert, so, um, am I texting you tonight after our shift ends or what, huh, Lennie? And I already know that I'll need a shower."

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the forward vision creation of a day in fields picking mushrooms]

"Oh, the only dangerous mushroom that I see, Brent, is the one that one of us just pulled out of your pants!"

"Which you did quick, Lennie! Now, are you going to taste test it for poison or what, huh?"

"Oh, Brent, you're my Bull now, so, my mouth is going pucker pack lip lock on it and suck the poison out of it right here in the field. And if we have to stop by my Dentist on the way home to fix my back teeth from your power, then sobeit because I'm your factory Sub Combo delivery mouth slut!"

[Poof! Get out, poof because that's not happening! The whimsical and mystically filtered puffy clouds disperse, poof]

"Oh, hello? Brent? Where did you go? Brent? Enjoy your Sub Combo, I guess and I had Suzie put extra mushrooms pieces on your sub, Brent! Hello?"

Well, I guess he only had so much time to eat once the dinner horn honked off. Or he tired of my flashbacks, either way, that was as much of the iceberg that we chipped away at that night.

Maybe.

[Whoop, an outgoing text from the parking lot]

"Do guys whack off in the shower all the time? I keep my bathroom very clean!"

[Weep, a quick response]

"OMFG, Lennie, we're a dysfunctional family, not that family! Also, yeah."

Tee he, oops.

[Whoop, an outgoing text to the right number, hopefully]

"Brent?"

[Ping, ahh, the right number response]

"U still in parking lot, Lennie?"

[Whoop, whew, okay]

"Is jacking off the same as a blow job, Brent?"

[Ping, things are looking up response]

"No. R U still here?"

[Whoop, a why not response text]

"Even to booty? Almost bare booty? My booty?"

[Ping, a grow up response text, wait, that's not a response text, but rather a gathering of the whimsical filtered puffy clouds flash back thingy with Suzie poking her head through the mystical smoke]

"Grow up, Lennie and present your booty or your mouth to your factory crush the right way! Spooky filtered clouds lady, poof me out!"

[Poof, poof, poof]

Well, there is way too much of the iceberg visible above the water line for that. Right?

Well, anyways, I reported to Auntie Wilma that everything was fine with Josh and told her that it might be time to stop my regular dinner deliveries since everything was okay. Or not since, well, wait for it.

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the flashback recollection of that report out visit with Auntie Wilma]

"Well, just a couple of more times, Lenny Lennie, okay? I mean, the receipt says that he's been eating two Sub Combo dinners on a regular basis and since my Josh doesn't visit with me as much these days, I mean, is he getting fat? So, I'd feel better if you slipped into the stands this Saturday afternoon down at the ball field for the factory's annual employee softball game and then gave me another report, so?"

[Poof]

Well, a daytime softball game beats the dark creepy rear door of the factory.

[Afraid to sit in the bleachers, Lennie takes a position along the foul line fence because when you don't have a lot of sex, you have time to practice things like leaning over a fence. Just ask neighbor]

"Well, I just don't get it."

"Oh, there's something I don't get either, but you go first."

"What? Why are you talking to me? I was only trying to break the ice between us while I lean here on the foul line fence and spy on my cousin for his momma and you respond back with the heat lamps and the thumbscrews then, hmm?"

"Wait, all I said was you go first and you started it, so?"

"Oh, well then, I was just checking to see if you were real and not just a hologram in the clouds. Anyways, I just don't get why that one guy right there is referred to as Short Stuff so much by the announcer guy when he's actually quite tall and lanky, that's all. And by the way, I'm not attached to anyone and that's not because I live with my head in the puffy clouds, so?"

"Oh, I mean, you glare and glance upwards towards the puffy clouds a lot, but we can talk about that later. Anyways, that guy plays the Shortstop position and the loud speaker system at the ball field sucks, so, that's what you're hearing from the announcer, but his nickname is "Lanky" since he's so tall and skinny and I'm pretty happy to hear that you're not all that attached to anyone, so, if our ice is broken, I mean, I'll turn the heat lamps down to low power then."

Oh, I don't even know why I said to that guy that I was unattached. It just came out. Earlier when I said that my mouth works, I mean, sometimes it just works all on its own, so.

"But I do know that you bring Josh a Sub Combo dinner up to our work every Monday, so?"

"Oh, oh, then you better know that Josh is my cousin and that his momma sends me down to the factory with a food package to check up on Josh and that's all you better know. We're a highly dysfunctional family, not a weird family like that, so? And I'm getting tired of repeating that so much, so, I'm Lennie, the innocent cousin, Lennie, so?"

"Oh, well, if there's no ice left between us then, I mean, I'm Anderson and I wouldn't mind being handed a white paper bag with a Sub Combo meal in it someday. Or a "after shift" snack at your place, Lennie, so?"

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the forward vision of what a "shift end" snack might look like]

"Lennie, I'm off from work, so, is my late-night snack ready? And did you pick up a new sexy server outfit to wear, huh?"

"[Jumps out from the hallway] Ta da! I bought this special today because when my boyfriend speaks, I obey and listen [gives it a twirl], but I was a little naughty at the store when I tried it on, tee he, so?"

"Oh, Lennie, you know the punishment for when you're being naughty in public, right?"

"Tee he, yep, it might be three days before I can walk straight again!"

"Hah! That's exactly right! Now suck the first one out of me and then get over to the back of couch!"

"Aww, but Anderson, in front of your co-worker that you brought home with you tonight, tee he? Also, hey there, hey, co-worker Brent, tee he, have fun jacking off alone tonight and don't you dare spray my booty while Anderson is hammering it like a bent nail with his bent nail while I'm bent over the couch!"

[OMFG, poof, poof out, poof!]

"Hello, earth to Lennie! Is this how you always break the ice with the new people that you meet? By whimsically staring slightly up into the sky, huh?"

"OMG, OMG, Anderson, I think that kissing is first base and I think kissing and groping is second base and I've never been on third base, oops, tee he, did I say that out loud, tee he?"

"Well, you did say that out loud, Lennie, but we're far enough away from the crowd to have that kept private, but, um, I'm glad you understand the bases because, um, I sort of feel exactly the same way, so?"

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the forward vision of how Anderson just lied about how he feels about the third date rule thing]

"OMG, take my fat cock, Darla [thump, thrust, thump, thrust] because this is way a first date should go!"

"Aha, aha, aha, I thought our first date was when I first sucked you off in the Men's room when I was on a date with that other guy, Anderson, aha, aha, slam me hard baby."

"[Slam, slam, slam] that was our first meeting, Darla! There's a difference [slam, slam, slam]!"

"Aha, aha, aha, I thought our first meeting was when I stroked you off at that holiday party, aha, aha, aha, own me baby!"

"[Slam own it, slam own it, slam own it] that was my dad, Darla [slam, bam, thank you ma'am]. And the moment we became a dysfunctional family [spew, spew, argh, argh, spew]."

[You've got to be kidding me poof! Poof, poof out, poof!]

"Um, hello, earth to the person gazing up into the sky! It's none of my business, but you've seemed to be left alone to lean up against the foul line fence and um, I'm not putting a pickup line on you, but you have the arms folded over the top of fence leaning down pat. Um, hi, um, I'm Conner and I'd be happy if you joined me up in grand stands for a while since you have a few fans here and um, well, I've saw you at the factory before, so, um, we're you just gazing whimsically up in the air as your way to get rid of Anderson because he's kind of a dawg, so?"

[A whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the forward vision of how dating with Conner might go]

"[Slurp, slurp] Lennie, this is our third date at the Twisted Tip Swirly Shop on the Strip and I think it's about time that we rounded first base and slid into second base, so [slurp, slurp]?"

"[Slurp, slurp] oh, Conner, I'm almost on the same page with you, but can we keep it to stand up double for tonight, hmm [slurp, slurp] and I promise that our third base down the dating road will include, um, some other stuff, so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] oh, I didn't mean that we need to play tongue tag tonight since it's our third date, but I'm sort of dying to dry hump parts of your body [slurp, slurp] and I'm looking at your knees and thighs, so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] well, Conner, we're in a committed relationship now, so, I suppose a little stuff over my jeans would be okay and, um, well, if you push my hand somewhere, um, well, I want to be your dream date [slurp, slurp] and give you the best dry humping ever, so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] ooh, Lennie, honeymoon stuff before the honeymoon! That's naughty, naughty, Lennie [slurp, slurp], but I like it."

[Poof! Wait, Lennie didn't poof that out of his head, so who did?]

"Hello, earth to Lennie? Just what in the hell do you see up in the sky, huh?"

[Conner's version of a whiff of whimsical music with mystically smokey and gently filtered puffy clouds surrounding the forward vision of how their dating might go from Conner's viewpoint]

"[Slurp, slurp] Lennie, this is our third date at the Twisted Tip Swirly Shop on the Strip and I'm so sexually impressed with you, that I'm not dumping you this weekend [slurp, slurp], so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] oh, I should think not, Conner, since I've more than followed and exceeded the social protocols of a sexual partner expectations [slurp, slurp], but I have a little something else to say, so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] oh, let's hear then, Lennie, because since we've already doubled up with sex a couple of times, so, I mean, speak freely then [slurp, slurp], so?"

"[Slurp, slurp] well, Conner, since we're in a committed relationship now, I mean, you're a little big for me back there and all [slurp, slurp], so, I mean, I'm willing to be your mouth partner all of the time and you can find yourself a woman, who are built for that, for the other stuff and everyone lives happily ever after [Slurp, slurp], so?"

[Hey, poof out! That's not right and that's not my style at all, so, poof, poof me out, spooky poofy lady!]

[Shut it! He's not dumping you, idiot!]

"[Slurp, slurp] wait Lennie [slurp, slurp], did you just give me permission to have another woman on the side because I've always had a girlfriend and you [slurp, slurp], so?"

[Poof! Poof, poof out, poof!]

"Ahem, I mean, I've heard that breaking the ice can be difficult sometimes, but this is just getting ridiculous and I'm..."

"Conner, do you have a girlfriend, yes or no, hmm?"

Well, a walk away with no answer was my answer then, right? And wasn't he supposed to lower his head as he walked away from me, hmm? Or is scanning the bleachers fair play?

[A creeper creeps up while Lennie watches Conner walk away and scan the bleachers at the same time]

"Um, I'm not jealous or anything that I don't get a personalized Sub Combo delivery through the creepy rear door of factory or anything, but I'm totally jealous and after that, I mean, sometimes people talk to other people, even if they are on a specialized mission and especially after the original mission has been completed, so?"

"Oh, oh and do sometimes those people talk in the dark near the creepy rear door of the factory near or inside of that little hut shack off to the left, hmm? Is that where I recognize your face from, hmm? That dirty little window in that broken down hut shack, hmm?"