tagHumor & SatireLesbian Test Ch. 01

Lesbian Test Ch. 01


Joe and I were hanging out over Kathy's house, again. We were always over her house. Her parents were doctors and they were never home. Besides, she always had good stuff to eat and plenty of beer in the fridge to drink. Now, that we are all adults and done with college, the three of us relaxed over a few beers, a couple of joints, lots of laughs, and from the stress of having to cram and take final exams.

We've been friends since childhood and Joe and I have been trying and dying to get in Kathy's pants since forever. Only, going to three different colleges, albeit schools in the same state of Massachusetts, life has taken us in different directions and we haven't hung out as much as we used to before enlightening our minds and broadening our horizons with higher education, binge drinking, and naked parties. Now, that we were done with school, we were falling back into our old habit of chillin' together while goofin' about stuff. We knew this period in our lives wouldn't last either. Our parents were eager for us to begin paying back our student loans, join the work force and get jobs, and move out of their house.

She always considered us as BFF's, best friends forever, but she has a sick and rigid rule that she'd never date friends, especially best friends because, she said, sexual relationships ruin friendships and she'd lose us as friends, blah, blah. So, what does that rule mean? If you don't have sex with your friends, who else are you going to have sex with, your enemies?

She said our friendship is more important than casual sex, yeah, yeah, that's her opinion and not our opinion. Joe and I firmly believe that casual sex is more important than friendship, especially when you haven't been laid in a while. Moreover, Joe and I are of the mindset that casual sex will bring us even closer as friends, best friends forever. In the way that she feels about it, it made me wish we weren't friends. As far as we were concerned the best friends to have are friends with benefits. Yeah, baby.

We watched her develop from a Tom boy to a beautiful girl and now into a hot, desirable woman. The tall, thin gawky girl we once knew with pimples, braces, and glasses now has round womanly hips, full kissable lips, and C cup tits. Ever since she turned the legal age of 18-years-old, nearly five painfully long and horribly horny years ago, we've wanted to bang her. Joe and I constantly have sexual thoughts and dream sexually about her. We openly discuss our sexual dreams with one another, that is, whenever she's not around.

We're a couple of pathetic losers. Instead of going out and getting women of our own, all we do is sit around, drink beer, and talk about wishing we could have sex with Kathy. We're enamored with her. Captivated by her beauty, intelligence, quick wit, fun sense of humor, and charm, we both want no one else but her. Ironically, we both love her. Besides, with the long history we have with her, who better to share our naked bodies with than her?

Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, I find myself doodling her curvaceous body and writing her name everywhere and anywhere. I love her. I really love her. Only, is it love or is it sexual lust? Do I want to marry her or do I just want to fuck her? I don't know. Sex gets in the way of my thoughts. All I think about is her naked. She's so damn pretty. I love everything about her, the way she talks, the way she walks, even the way she sneezes and blows her nose. She's so cute I could just eat her and I really want to eat her if I could.

Alas, there's no way we can have her. There's no way she'd lift up her skirt, pull down her panties, bend over and bend her rule to date and have sex with either of us. There's just no way she'd give us a quickie, a blowjob or even a hand job. She's not that kind of girl. She's sweet. She's innocent. No doubt, she's a virgin. Only, I needed to come up with a strategy to trick her. Yeah, I know she's my friend, but what are friends for if you can't use and abuse them? Better you treat a friend that way than a stranger. Right? Don't mind me; I'm horny.

Based on the premise that only fools can devise foolproof plans, Joe and I put our heads together. Since we are not only two, proud and self-professed fools but also known for our foolishness within our circle of friends and family, we devised a foolproof plan to get a little honey, hopefully, from our little honey, Kathy.

I mean, she's gorgeous. She has long, lush, blonde hair, big, bright blue eyes, stands 5'7" tall and weighs a slender but curvaceous 120 pounds with all her clothes. When you see her dressed, jumping around, and bending over in her little, skin tight cheerleading outfit with its too short skirt and plunging neckline, as we did the whole cold and lonely football season long, definitely, she's a ten and definitely we want her.

I decided to test the waters and the best place to catch a big fish was inside her own fishing hole, namely her house and expressly her room. I figured she'd be more comfortable there allowing me to catch her off guard. I figured she wouldn't notice all my hooks, lines, and sinkers or in this case, stinkers. Since, it is a stinky thing to abuse the trust of your friend, just to get some much needed relief and hot sex. Only, I can't help myself. I'm a horny, hormonal guy who is raging with testosterone and in the bedroom of the girl of my dreams. Matter of fact the drawer where she keeps her panties and bras is just an arm's length away and as soon as she leaves the room for the bathroom, Joe and I will go through her lingerie draw as we always do whenever she leaves us alone in her room.

"So, Kathy," I said casting out my line and ready to reel her in with the first nibble, "are you dating anyone?"

"Nope, I decided to concentrate on school and focus on my GPA. I didn't want to get tied down with any one person until after graduation."

"You were smart to do that," said Joe. I knew by his comment that he was as relieved that I was that she had taken herself off the dating merry-go-round. Now, we had a level playing field with no other guys to distract her focus from the real man meat, us.

"Then, you have someone in mind that you want to latch onto and maybe live with after you graduate?"

I hid my true feelings about her behind a carefree smile. Only, as soon as I voiced my question about her living with another, jealous by the thought of it, I imagined her living with me. How perfect that would be having a steady diet of caught catfish, namely Kathy, twenty-four, seven? I'd fuck her morning, noon, and night. Kathy, Kathy, Kathy, I wrote her name across my mind while thinking of her standing naked with outstretched arms welcoming me home from work or from the hardware store, the bank or just getting the mail or taking out the trash. Wow! My life would be perfect with her in it. Fuck Joe. I want her.

"No, there's no one that I like or know well enough to want to live with together."

Pick me! Pick me! My brain was trying to psychically alter her decision about not dating friends and changing her mind to date me. Kathy, please pick me.

"So, you're not serious about anyone?" I asked hoping to God she'd say no. I looked over at Joe and he was just as on edge of his seat as I was with the anticipation of her answer.

"No, like you or maybe unlike you," she said with a sexy laugh, "I've been too busy cramming for exams to scope out the opposite sex. It's too much of a distraction when you are trying to study. There's plenty of time for that later," she said with a casual wave of her hand. "I'm sure, once I get out in the workforce, I'll meet plenty of guys."

I cast my line in her direction hoping to hook her. I hoped she'd go for the bait.

"You're not lesbian, are you?"

I know, I know, it sounded as crass as I meant it to sound. Trust me; I had ulterior motives, so I just blurted out the question hoping not for the worst but expecting the best. Now is as good of time as any to begin her lesbian test. We were all a little bit high from drinking beer and smoking a little weed. Why not go for it?

Certainly, she was well worth the risk of losing her as a friend and gaining her as a fuck buddy. I mean, I truly wouldn't want to lose her friendship. Besides Joe, she was my best friend. She was someone that I felt comfortable talking about anything with and it worked out well that she was a sensitive chick who liked sports as much as I did.

When I needed to talk about something really serious, you know, the sensitive stuff, like when Tom Brady, the quarterback for the New England Patriots, blew out his knee and was out for the season, she wouldn't think me a pussy when I started crying, you know. Yet, I really wanted to fuck her and it was worth losing a shoulder to cry on for a couple of tits to suck on, if you know what I mean.

"Freddie, what kind of question is that?" She melted me with her baby blue eyes and showed me her perfect pearly whites with a warm smile. "You know I'm not a lesbian? You're such a goof." She looked at Joe. "I know you're a part of this, too. You two are always conspiring to get me naked and in bed." She looked at the pair of panty peeking out of her lingerie drawer that I had left ajar when she excused herself to use the bathroom. "And stay out of my underwear," she scolded. "You're a goof, too," she said to Joe with a laugh. "You're both goofs, but I love the both of you" she said with a motherly look. "Only, not in the way that you are thinking and hoping, I'm sorry, but, I don't love you in that way," she said putting up both her hands like mini stop signs.

We were always laughing. We always had a good time whenever the three of us were together just hanging out and talking about stuff. Only, if I couldn't have her all to myself, it would be so awesome if we could have a threesome with Kathy. That would be so wicked cool.

Having a threesome with Kathy, my dream woman would give me the kind of lifelong memory that would carry me through my old age. When they put me in a nursing home room with another old guy and with a woman across the hall from my room named Francis or Edna or Mary who continually wants to play strip poker and makes a nuisance of herself, I'll just smile and think of the time that Joe and I had a threesome with Kathy.

There is no one that I'd want to have a threesome with than with my best friend Joe and my best friend Kathy. Now that's not to say that I'm gay and want to do Joe or that I want to Joe to do me. We both just want Kathy and if she can't be with just one of us because she is afraid of hurting one or the other's feelings by not being intimate with them, maybe she can be with the both of us. If it takes the two of us to get her, so be it.

I imagined bending her over and fucking her doggy style while she sucked on Joe's cock. Then, I imagined us switching with Joe fucking her doggy style while she sucked on my cock. Ah, the possibilities were endless with one woman and two guys. A threesome gave new meaning to the sixty-nine position.

We could switch off when one guy tired. We'd give her a full day of orgasmic pleasure and sexual satisfaction. No doubt, we could make this innocent girl a worldly woman. I figured the reason why she wouldn't jump at having sex with two guys was because she was a virgin or was very inexperience when it comes to sex. Yeah, that has to be it. There's no other reason. That crap about not dating friends was crap, as far as Joe and I was concerned.

"I do? Now, how would I know you're not a lesbian? You've been away at college for four long years and living in a dorm with another woman. Maybe, you figured having a lesbian affair with your roommate was convenient and not as messy as having a relationship with a guy. Maybe you wanted to dine in with a woman instead of doing take out with a man. Besides, maybe you figured, who would know?" I said allowing her to take a bit of line and swim out with the dolphins. "You could have switched teams. Maybe, now, you prefer a catcher's mitt to a baseball bat. Batter up," I said swinging for the fences.

"Please spare me the lame analogies, Freddie. English was never your strong suit. Accounting suits you better and best you stick with assets and liabilities instead of analogies and imagery," she said with a chuckle. "Of course you know I'm not a lesbian. Therefore, I don't understand your question. I don't get why you're even going there. Only, knowing the both of you as well as I do, I figure you guys have something up your sleeves. Yeah, you're up to something alright and, as usual, it's probably something dumb."

"It was just a simple question, Kath, and you're getting all defensive. Your defensive posture makes me wonder even more if you prefer women to men. I'm sorry to say, Kath, but I think you're a lesbian," I said with a similar face that ex-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had when he reported to Congress over his findings that Iraq possessed weapons of mass destruction.

Maybe I should have used President Bush's face when he lied and told the American public that the economy was strong and growing. Nah, maybe I should have chosen someone else because it was too difficult to maintain a straight face. Perhaps, O. J. Simpson's face would have been easier to keep serious and to keep from laughing when he said, "I didn't do it. I'm innocent." or "These aren't my gloves. They don't fit me." Yeah, I'll have to remember that in the future. O. J. would have been a better face to imagine when I'm lying through my teeth and telling tall tales.

"Listen hot shot, we've been friends forever. You know I'm not a lesbian for gosh sakes," she said again only this time without giving me her sexy smile. "I don't know what you mean by asking me if I'm a lesbian. It's insulting and I resent this inquisition."

Oh, oh, she was getting mad. Only, I still needed to push her in a corner before coming in for the kill. It was fun playing with Kathy. It was fun getting her going to the brink and catching her before she fell from her normally personable personality to killer Kath.

"Well, I've never seen you with a guy and every time Joe or I ask you out on a date, you say that you don't date friends," I said shrugging my shoulders and looking over at Joe. "What else are we to think?"

If I could have, I would have slapped Joe a high five at that point. She was taking the bait and I knew she'd be taking out line. I was wearing her down and wearing her out. She was ripe and ready for my twisted and convoluted logic, as to why she should sleep with me.

"I'm not a lesbian, Freddie. I have plenty of friends who are lesbian only I'm not one of them."

"So, you admit then that you prefer hanging around lesbians."


"I mean, you're my friend and I'd date you in a second. Wouldn't you date Kathy, Joe?"

"I'd be all over her in a flash," said Joe.

"Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of...flash," she said laughing.

"So, maybe if you dated one of us, then—"

"Well, I won't. That's my rule and I don't care if you think that I'm a lesbian because I won't date either of you and you know that about me," she said stiffening her posture before throwing back her head and tossing her luscious long, blonde hair.

I don't know what it is about women when they toss back their hair like she has a habit of doing, but I find that so intoxicatingly and erotically sexual. Maybe it's because I imagine her doing that before removing her wad of chewing gum in readiness to suck my cock. Maybe, my imagination gets the better of me in that regard, but it is so erotically sexy to watch her beautiful hair cascade up, away, and back in golden highlights behind her and fall in a practiced semblance of order whenever she does that. I just want to kiss her before putting a hand behind her blonde head and pushing her mouth down on my engorged cock. Suck it, baby, but before you do, flip your hair back again one more time for me. Oh, yeah, that's it.

"Freddie? Are you okay? You look a little weird," she said nudging my foot with her delicate foot.

"What? Yeah, sorry, I was, uhm, just thinking about what I wanted to say next. Oh, yeah, I know now what I wanted to say. We haven't seen you date any guy...or woman. What are we supposed to think, Kath? What else are we supposed to think other than the suspicion that you are lesbian?"

"Since I've been away at college, I hang with a different crowd of friends than you and Joe do. You know that. We've talked about the people we hang out with on campus. You have no idea who I date, just as I have no idea who you date."

"I think she's a lesbian whispered Joe to me loud enough for Kathy to hear."

Turning the table on us, she shot him a look that turned into her famous sexy smile.

"You two could be gay for all I know," she said laughing and looking from me to Joe and back at me again. "You're not gay are you? You two haven't turned gay on me, have you? Now that I think of it, I haven't seen either of you with a woman." She looked around her room, "I do need my room redecorated since I'll be living at home again. Maybe you two homos can help me chose my color palette and make me some draperies," she said laughing.

"We do love working with fabric," said Joe. "I see a New England Patriot's theme for your bedroom, Sweets," said Joe putting a hand on his hip and tossing out a hand with a limp wrist. "How do you feel about the colors, red, white, and blue? Or we can go with a Boston Red Sox theme with lots of red and a portrait of the green monster on that wall. Or we can go Boston Celtics green throughout the whole room. There's always the Boston Bruins of yellow, black and white."

I gave her a smile and then gave Joe a wink and he blew me a kiss.

"Spare me," she said. "For sure you two aren't gay. You'd make for horrible interior decorators."

"Well, it's a stupid rule," I said wishing she'd change her mind about going out with me or, God forbid, Joe. I figured that if she went out with Joe, at least he'd tell me what it was like to be with her.

If only she knew I haven't dated anyone in a while. I'm still pining over her. I'm still hoping we can get together. Just as does Joe, I love her. He loves her. We both love her.

"Getting sexual with a friend is the fastest way to ruin a friendship," she said in a way that sounded rehearsed and tired. Surely, she didn't believe that anymore. That rule is so sophomoric, now that we are sophisticated and college educated adults.

"So, what about your future husband?"

I gave her more lead, but I knew I had her. She wasn't going anywhere. It was almost time to reel her in and net her.

In the next chapter Kathy agrees to take the lesbian test.


Thank you for reading my story. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it. Please take a moment to vote, make a public comment, and/or give me feedback. Your support is why I write. Your feedback will motivate me to write a better story the next time.

If you haven't already, please take moment to add me and/or this story or any other of my stories to your list of favorites. Thanks, Freddie, Bostonfictionwriter.

To be continued...

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