tagHumor & SatireLesbian Test Ch. 02

Lesbian Test Ch. 02


"I think she's a lesbian whispered Joe to me loud enough for Kathy to hear."

Turning the table on us, she shot him a look that turned into her famous sexy smile.

"You two could be gay for all I know," she said laughing and looking from me to Joe and back at me again. "You're not gay are you? You two haven't turned gay on me, have you? Now that I think of it, I haven't seen either of you with a woman." She looked around her room, "I do need my room redecorated since I'll be living at home again. Maybe you two homos can help me chose my color palette and make me some draperies," she said laughing.

"We do love working with fabric," said Joe. "I see a New England Patriot's theme for your bedroom, Sweets," said Joe putting a hand on his hip and tossing out a hand with a limp wrist. "How do you feel about the colors, red, white, and blue? Or we can go with a Boston Red Sox theme with lots of red and a portrait of the green monster on that wall. Or we can go Boston Celtics green throughout the whole room. There's always the Boston Bruins of yellow, black and white."

I gave her a smile and then gave Joe a wink and he blew me a kiss.

"Spare me," she said. "For sure you two aren't gay. You'd make for horrible interior decorators."

"Well, it's a stupid rule," I said wishing she'd change her mind about going out with me or, God forbid, Joe. I figured that if she went out with Joe, at least he'd tell me what it was like to be with her.

If only she knew I haven't dated anyone in a while. I'm still pining over her. I'm still hoping we can get together. Just as does Joe, I love her. He loves her. We both love her.

"Getting sexual with a friend is the fastest way to ruin a friendship," she said in a way that sounded rehearsed and tired. Surely, she didn't believe that anymore. That rule is so sophomoric, now that we are sophisticated and college educated adults.

"So, what about your future husband?"

I gave her more lead, but I knew I had her. She wasn't going anywhere. It was almost time to reel her in and net her.

"Future husband? What about him? What do you mean by that?"

"Won't you have to be friends with your future husband first before you marry him?"

"Sure, of course, we'd have to start off as friends first before we graduated to being lovers. Yeah, sure, definitely, I'd have to like one another as a friend first with whomever I marry, of course."

"Exactly my point, Kath, exactly my point," I said pontificating my point by pointing my index finger at her. "It's just like the three of us now. We're all friends, good friends, and best friends forever. We should be your lovers." I looked over at Joe. "With the friendship we three have, we'd make great lovers."

"Yeah, but that's different." She looked from me to Joe and back again. "I'm not into threesomes. I'm a one guy at a time kind of woman. Besides, I've known you guys since Miss Jane's room in kindergarten. It'd be weird to date either of you. I can't even imagine kissing one of you guys never mind having sex with either one of you."

"Well, that's a hurtful thing to say, Kath," I said. "I'm crushed," I said putting a hand to my forehead and looking despondent in the way that Rudolph Valentino or Charlie Chaplin did in the silent movies of old.

"No, I don't mean it that way," she said. "C'mon, you know what I mean. Stop being so sensitive, Freddie. Dating either of you would be like dating my brother."

"So, you've dated your brother?" I looked at Joe and smiled. "I had no idea. Do you want to tell us about all the incestuous details?"

"Don't even go there, Freddie. That's not funny. That's sick. I've never had any sexual thoughts for my brother."

"I think you're a lesbian," said Joe. "Only, maybe you don't even know it. Maybe, that's why you don't admit you're lesbian."

"That's ridiculous, Joe. I am not a lesbian," she said in a tone that told us that we were beginning to push her buttons a little. "You guys are crazy if you think I like pussy over cock and prefer licking a pussy than fucking and sucking a cock."

It was so erotic to hear our all grown up and now sexy Kathy say the word cock. That was the first time I ever heard her virginal mouth utter the word cock. Suddenly, I imagined her dialogue filled with the cock word whenever speaking to me and about me...cock, cock, cock. Now and forevermore, Kathy would always be synonymous with cock and especially with my cock. Immediately, I started getting an erection thinking of Kathy thinking of me whenever she said the word...cock.

"So, are you sure you're not a lesbian? Maybe, Joe is right, Kath. Maybe, you don't even know you're a lesbian." I joined in Joe's little antagonistic game to push her into taking the lesbian test and I knew she would agree to take it, any minute now.

"I would know if I were a lesbian, Freddie. That's something any woman would know. Besides, I've never had those sexual thoughts towards women. I like men too much. There's just no way that I'd sleep with a woman. It doesn't appeal to me in any sense of the word." She met my stare, "Read my lips, I'm not attracted to women. I'm attracted to men."

Suddenly, the man's man, the macho male, the manly male, the men's song played through my head...'men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men.'

"Are you sure you're not lesbian?" I gave her a long look. "Because now that I look at you more closely, maybe because I haven't seen you in a while, you do look a little lesbian to me. Look closely at her face, Joe," I said turning to Joe for support. "Doesn't she look a little lesbian?"

"Freddie, knock it off. I don't look lesbian."

"Yeah," said Joe staring at Kathy's face. "Now that you mention it, she does look a little lesbian to me, too. I think she changed teams while away at college. Our hot Kathy has gone to the other side and is now competing with us for women."

"You two are morons. You're just trying to get me going. Whatever your lame game is, it won't work. Yes, I'm sure I'm not a lesbian. I would know if I were a lesbian," she said looking a bit nervous by my inquisitive stare. "Besides, what the Hell does a lesbian even look like anyway? You can't tell that someone is a lesbian just by looking at them. How dare you tell me that I look a little lesbian to you, Freddie? I don't know what your angle is, but that's so lame, Freddie. It's ridiculous for you to say that I look like a lesbian, Freddie," she said taking out her compact mirror and staring at herself. "I don't look lesbian, Freddie," she said closing her compact and staring across the room at me.

Oh, oh, any time she finishes off her sentences with my name is when her fuse is lit and she's starting to get mad. I needed to be careful with questioning her, now. I didn't want to ruin our little exchange and not have her take the lesbian test. Certainly, I didn't want her to eject us from her room and her home under the pretense that she had stuff to do, when in fact, we were annoying the shit out of her. I needed to take it more slowly. I needed to ease up on her a little bit. I needed for her to take the lesbian test.

"C'mon, be honest," said Joe. "You can tell us if you're a lesbian. It won't matter to us. We're best friends. Besides, we like lesbians," he said looking at me and smiling. "Lesbians are cool, especially when they are hot looking lesbians like you."

"Yeah, lesbians are cool, Kathy. You can tell us if you march in the Gay Day parade. It's different now than it used to be. So, you can come out of the closet and declare your lesbianism and embrace your sisters and admit that you belong to the secret society of lesbian sisterhood. So long as we can watch, that is," I said punching Joe in the shoulder and laughing. "We like to watch."

"Do you have any lesbian photos of you with your roommate that you can show us? Can you give us some details what it's like to make love to a woman," said Joe.

"You guys watch Jerry Springer way too much," she said with a laugh while looking at us. "I'm not a lesbian, you guys, and you know I'm not a lesbian. You're just trying to get me going. This is all just one of your little games of let's pick on Kathy and let's get Kathy going. You just want to get me mad so that I'll wrestle you and you'll accidentally feel me up like all the other times we wrestled. Yeah, that's it. You just want to wrestle." She looked from me to Joe. "Well I don't wrestle anymore. I'm too much the lady for that, now," she said stiffening her posture and suddenly looking more mature.

"Gees, Kath, you say that like there's something wrong with feeling you up and just because my hand got caught in your bra once and my other hand was stuck in your panty the last time we wrestled doesn't mean that I was trying to get a cheap feel. You've hurt my feelings, Kathy. I was only trying out a new wrestling hold on you."

"Yeah, sure, Freddie, you were trying out a new hold called groping. Fuck you."

"I accept your apology, Kath," I said.

"If you think I apologized, Freddie, accept this then as my real apology," she said flashing me the finger.

"Yes," I said raising both hands over my head and giving Joe the high five. "I'm still number one with Kathy."

"You're unbelievable, Freddie."

"So, what about you and that girl at summer camp?"

"Summer camp? What girl?"

"You know the one. Remember? You were lonely," I said.

"You were horny," said Joe.

"You got into your parents' liquor cabinet and took some booze with you to camp and you were a little bit drunk when deciding to share a sleeping bag...naked," I said hoping there was such a woman and they did sleep naked together in a sleeping bag. Suddenly, I had an erection just thinking about Kathy with another woman.

"Freddie, there was no girl at summer camp. You're just making this shit up. You're just fishing hoping you'll catch me in a lie. Besides, I never sleep naked I sleep," she stopped talking to shoot me a look. "I'm not telling you how I sleep," she said laughing when Joe and I stopped breathing and just stared at her waiting for her to tell us what she wore to bed. "That's way too much personal information."

"How about your roommate in your dorm room, surely, there must have been a long, cold night when you needed a warm body to snuggle up against? After a while, after studying so much and maybe having a couple of drinks, she was looking pretty good, huh?"

"No," she said with a sour face. "I had my goose down blanket that my parents sent me.

"Were you ever intimate with her?"

"No," she said again repeating her sour face. "She had a steady boyfriend."

"Meaning that had she not had a steady boyfriend, you would have snuggled with her and you would have been intimate with her?"

"No, Freddie, I'm not lesbian. I'm not attracted to women."

"Did you two ever make out?"

"No," she said starting to look a little miffed. "Eww, gross, I could never be with a woman in that way." She shot me the same look when I broke her favorite doll so many years ago. "And no we never made out. Gawd, I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"Did you ever see her naked?"

"Yeah, sure, lots of times. So?"

"Do you have any naked pictures of your roommate," asked Joe.

"No and if I did, I surely wouldn't show them to you. Besides, why would I keep naked photos of my roommate?"

"So you admit that you took naked photos of your roommate," I said.

"Freddie, knock it off," she said putting a hand to her hip and looking like she was about to give me a cheer instead of a scolding. Suddenly, I imagined her naked with just a pom pom in each hand. "I never took naked photos of my roommate."

"Did you ever feel the urge to touch her when you saw her naked?"

"No," she said now definitely looking a little more miffed. "Seeing her naked did nothing for me."

"Did she ever see you naked?"

"Of course. We lived in the same freakin' small room together."

"Did she ever touch you?"


"Did you ever touch her?"

"Freddie! Knock it off. This is nuts. Why are you doing this?"

Now was the perfect time to pull the trigger and start the show going by giving her the lesbian test.

"Then, allow me to give you my free lesbian test."

"Lesbian test? What lesbian test? What the Hell is a lesbian test?"

"I devised a foolproof lesbian test," I said with a sly smile.

"Yeah, I can only imagine what you devised being a fool yourself," she said laughing. "If it will stop all this nonsense about me being a lesbian, I'll take the damn test just to proof to you two fools once and for that I'm not a lesbian, not that there's anything wrong with being a lesbian. Only, I don't swing that way. I prefer cock over pussy."

She said cock, again. Damn, every time she says the word cock, she breaks my concentration. Every time she says the word cock, I think of her seeing my cock, touching my cock, stroking my cock, fucking my cock, and sucking my cock. Cock, cock, cock, I love it when she says the word cock, cock-a-doodle-doo.

I love it how she says the word cock. It doesn't sound dirty when she says it. It sounds erotic...cock. In the way that she says it makes me happy that I have a cock and that she's a cocksucker with no offense meant by that remark to her. I mean that she's a cocksucker in everything good about getting your cock sucked by a beautiful woman.

Kathy flopped on the couch across from Joe and me. Her skirt was short enough and her knees were parted open enough to give Joe and me a nice up skirt view of her creamy white panties. A signal from our favorite movie, Animal House, I gave Joe the official John Belushi one eyebrow up and he returned my one eyebrow look.

She had shapely legs from years of gymnastics, dancing, ice skating, and now cheerleading. She was so choice. I only hoped to God that she wasn't a virgin. I prefer more experienced and worldly women, not that I'm an experienced and worldly man, but a virgin doesn't have the appeal that it once had when my parents were my age.

"Are you ready?"

"Ready for what?"

"For the lesbian test, are you ready to take the lesbian test?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm as ready as I'll ever be for this dumb ass exam. I can only imagine the deranged questions you'll ask me to prove that I'm not a lesbian. So, go ahead give me your foolproof lesbian test, Freddie."

In the next chapter Kathy takes the lesbian test.


Thank you for reading my story. I sincerely hope you enjoyed it. Please take a moment to vote, make a public comment, and/or give me feedback. Your support is why I write. Your feedback will motivate me to write a better story the next time.

If you haven't already, please take moment to add me and/or this story or any other of my stories to your list of favorites. Thanks, Freddie, Bostonfictionwriter.

To be continued...

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