Let Him Cry Pt. 04

"I'll hold this end so that you can get a good mark," I said, reaching for sagging end of the long length of casement trim that would top the picture window and sliding door to the balcony.

"I've got it," Bela said.

"I don't want something this long mis-cut." It was my money paying for the trim.

"I've got it." The words said, "I'm fine"; the tone was, "Get lost."

I threw up my hands in surrender. "Okay. Ruth, why don't you help? Show her how to tack one end first."

"I know how to--"

"Oh my God, I've had it with you two!" Taty's explosion came out of nowhere. Everyone froze. Five foot five of angry woman stepped down off the ladder where she was working on painting the edge of the ceiling.

"You!" Taty's finger stabbed in my direction. "A surprise is a trip to the Bahamas, not becoming someone's landlord without even a word to them. Didn't you learn anything from the time with the teacher's meeting? What does it take to get through to you? A baseball bat?" Her tone was biting.

I could feel the pulse as adrenal glands kicked in from anger. My reactions weren't cooled by the faint look of "Yeah!" on Bela's face. Before I could say anything, I felt nails on my forearm. I looked down at Ruth's hand. Anyone else would have gotten it shaken off, but this was Ruth. She shook her head calmly, and I stifled what I was going to say.

"As for you!" Taty's finger swiveled. If I weren't so angry, I would have been amused at how fast the smirk wiped off of Bela's face. "Do you really think he's trying to control you? Really? How is someone so smart so fucking stupid?" She tipped her head back and heaved a sigh. "And now you've made me swear, a habit I've been trying to quit."

She looked at the other faces that were staring at us. "Everyone out. Now." Just like Terrell and Nia when they heard that tone, feet turned obediently toward the door.

"You." Taty was back to me, but her tone had eased into something soft. "You think I don't know why? But it's not me that needs to understand, and it's not my place to tell her." She glanced back at Bela who was standing there in shock, her face a mixture of anger and confusion. "I've talked myself blue in the face with that one but not about that."

She saw my reaction. "Yeah, I lied that I was staying out of it. Sue me. But she's too stubborn to hear, and you wouldn't let me talk to you because you're a stubborn mule too." The firm tone came back, and her voice regained its normal Taty tone. "The two of you want each other. So, talk to each other before I use that fucking nail gun on your feet." She turned toward the door. "And there you've made me swear again."

In retrospect, Taty's adjective choice was apt: we stood there mulishly, staring at each other, neither willing to be the first to flinch.

"Go ahead," Bela said.

"I think you were the one who refused to talk to me and just broke up, so ladies first."

"Because you never talked to me."

"And you did? You were the one who said, 'Hey, Matt, I've got an issue with this. Let's talk'? Yeah, you were all over that," I said facetiously.

Her jaw tightened even more. Finally, she sighed and backed herself up against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor. She waited until I did the same, then spent some more time gathering her thoughts.

"For my entire life, people have been telling me what to do or taking over from me, mostly because I'm a woman." I started to say something. "Matt, you wanted me to talk, so just shut up and listen, okay?" I gritted my teeth and subsided.

"My dad taught Sebastián how to take care of a car. He taught Ana and me that the men would take care of the cars and that Mom would teach us things. It wasn't that I wanted to learn how to change the oil or that I didn't want to learn to cook. I have the garage take care of my car, and I like cooking. It was the principle of the thing.

"When I got old enough to babysit, my mother... my own mother... told me that I should give my money to my dad who would manage an account for me.

"And when we got to high school, Ana and I had curfews, and you know the gauntlet boyfriends have to run. Sebastián could do what he wanted, and the only parental direction was about condoms." The snarky tone made it clear that she thought Sebastián could have used a little more guidance than that.

"It was assumed he would go to a good school and become a success. I was subjected to conversations along the lines of, 'We support you, but are you sure college is for you, mija?' You know the result: I went to a two-year school and started working in my aunt's clothing store because, hey, I'm just going to get married and have babies, right?

"And that brings me to Rafael." The expression was distant, remembering, and unhappy. "I'm not going to tell you all the things that went down in our relationship, some that I only realized long after. I'll just sum it up with one story: when I got pregnant, he informed me that I would get an abortion because we weren't ready." Her gaze came back to me. "And when I talked to my parents, I was told, after the yelling of course, that my father would handle the situation with Rafael.

"That's when I grew a spine. I finished my bachelor's. I quit the damn clothing store and started my own place. I made a decent life for my son. And then you came along, and I let you in. And then you tried to take over just like every other guy."

"Bullshit!" She started to retort but I talked over her, feeling the anger flare up. "I didn't build your house for you; I built it with you. I didn't try to fix Rafi's problems with school; I offered to help with the things you already decided to do about them. I didn't try to fix your car -- you didn't even mention that one the other day -- I offered you a loan of one I didn't need so you could get yours fixed.

"As for Grano, if you've bothered to read the paperwork, the only thing I did on my own was to stop your rent from increasing. I don't have even an iota of control over your business. And picking your employees? Give me a break. So, bullshit!"

She wasn't backing down. "I didn't mention the car because you talked to me about that. I'm not unfair."

I didn't bother to respond. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one, Ms. Navarro.

"But the others, you didn't talk to me first to get my opinion. I get that you're not the most socially intuitive person, but I made it pretty clear after that teacher conference thing."

"No." I shook my head in denial. "You were crystal clear that I wasn't supposed to try to parent Rafi, which I wasn't trying to do in the first place."

"You couldn't generalize?" She stared at me in utter bafflement. Finally, she shook her head as if some awful awareness had dawned. "Oh my God. It's like you're..." She threw up her hands. "I guess I should have realized that from how slow you were to pick up hints."

What was she going to say? Probably nothing that would make me feel better. Her chin rose. "Matt! Why do you feel the need to take over all the time? I'm able to manage my life."

"I don't."

"You do."

"That's your opinion. I've got mine."

I was nearing my limit. That same sense I had felt a year ago when I looked at a gravestone and knew I couldn't bear to visit anymore was back. I'd get over it eventually, I knew that, but not today. I was too invested in something that failed. I pushed myself to my feet.

I guess she saw it in my eyes. She made a frustrated sound. "What did Taty mean by she knows why?"

I didn't say anything.

"God damn it! You wanted me to talk with you, and now I am. So fucking talk!"

A piece inside broke. Just like that first day way back when, the time Caitlyn pushed with her questions and the whole chain of events started. Anything to stop this! That thought didn't even make it fully into my conscious mind; I just answered.

"All I was doing was helping. But when it really matters, people refuse help. They're too proud. So, if you don't just do it... then you never, ever get the chance to."

"What the hell does that mean? I've accepted your help several times. And the times I didn't, it was because I didn't need to. I had it under contr--" She broke off, staring at my face.

There was a long silence while she studied me.

"We're not talking about me, are we? We're talking about Liv."

I shrugged.

Her voice wasn't exactly friendly, but the open hostility abated. "Explain it to me so that I understood too."

"When Liv got really sick, she wouldn't let me help. I had to watch from the sidelines. Or not even watch," I amended.

"What?"

Not "What?" like she didn't understand the words. "What?" like "What kind of craziness are you talking?"

So, for the second time ever, I pulled out my phone, thumbed up the video app, and let someone else watch. As "... Don't make me have to find the strength to say no. Just remember me this way..." faded, Bela looked up at me. Her eyes were shiny. "Did you--"

"Play the next one."

For the first time ever, someone else heard the last words from my wife to me.

• • •

"Can you sign here, please?"

The return address was Florida. I guess I knew roughly where she was now. I opened the package. There was a note and a thumb drive.

The note wasn't in her handwriting. Truthfully, I knew then. After a long, long moment of utter stillness... I couldn't cry; I couldn't rage; I just felt numb... I looked at it:

Dear Matt,

I feel like I can call you that because Olivia has talked about you non-stop since I first met her. I was her hospice nurse.

I'm sorry to tell you that she passed away last night. I hope it comforts you to know that, due to medication, she wasn't in pain at the end. Her last words were of you: she wanted me to make sure you knew she was thinking of you and loved you. She worried about you. She also reminded me to send you the enclosed. She knew she wouldn't physically be able to talk much at the end and prepared this a few days ago.

I want you to know that her time here was not totally unpleasant. She made friends with a couple of other women in similar circumstances and the three of them spent their days in what she liked to call "an altered state of mind" and talked mostly about their menfolk -- usually positively, I promise you. Even when they did kvetch a little, it was always in a fond way. She loved you. Never doubt that.

She was absolutely adamant that you should not see what she looks like, and so she has asked to be cremated here. I'm sorry if that isn't what you would prefer, but we must respect her wishes. There will be a small memorial service this weekend. If you would like to come down, then you can reach me at the number below to get details. If that is more than you can bear, then I will have the ashes and her effects sent up to you immediately.

I'm so sorry for your loss. She was a wonderful person.

With all my condolences,

Roberta Goldman

I sat in shock for a while. Even knowing it was coming hadn't prepared me for the reality. Finally, I turned to the thumb drive. I was startled when the video first came up as the camera was zoomed tightly so that only her eyes were showing. Her voice was hoarse, and she talked more slowly than she normally did. It lasted one minute and eighteen seconds.

"Hello, love. I asked them to hold off on my pain meds for a while so that I'm less foggy. However, I can't talk long as I really do need them. So, I'll make this short and sweet.

"I hope you can forgive me for taking myself away from you for the last weeks of my life, but how you remember me is the most important thing there is to me right now. I want to always be that young girl who caught your eye when you think back on us. It's the only way I get to go on in the world.

"Please don't think I'm being cold by sending you this instead of talking to you directly. I'm just not strong enough anymore to say no in person when you insist on coming to see me.

"Grieve a little. Or," I saw her eyes crinkle and I knew she was smiling, "grieve a lot but not for too long! Then go on with your life. You're too young to waste it on someone who's not around to love you back.

"One more time: I loved you then. I love you now. I'll love you until the minute I die. And, if there is an afterlife, I'll love you forever.

"Goodbye."

Her finger came up and touched the lens like she was trying to touch my face, and with that, my world ended.

• • •

Bela and I sat there in silence for a long time. The static charge of anger was gone, and I saw that her eyes were wet. Finally, she pushed herself up to her feet and handed my phone back to me.

"I'm calling it quits for today," she said. She took off her toolbelt and dropped it in the corner but didn't leave immediately. She met my eyes.

"You can surprise me with birthday parties and presents. You can surprise me with" -- she gave a little half-shrug, half-laugh -- "a trip to the Bahamas or a little sexy-time when I don't expect it. Or even something like a puppy, I guess. But you can't ever surprise me with a decision about my life, my child, or my work. It's the way I am. That's not going to change... at least, not anytime soon."

Her expression was no longer a latent fuck you. "But I understand a little now... as much as an outsider can, I guess. Taty was right about me being stupid. And I'd be lying to you if I said your help hasn't made me feel warm some nights. I've been lying to myself about a few things. The truth is, I can accept help, even when I don't need it."

She stepped out of the doorway, turning back for one more comment. "If you still want to offer it, that is. See you later, osito."

When I came back into the condo, Taty was on the phone. This time there were no deer-in-headlights eyes. This time she locked her gaze with mine and continued her conversation. "And how has that worked out so far? I can't make you do anything, but I'm your friend and I'm telling you: you should do this. It's not just me who thinks that."

She listened, then said, "Ruth, for one."

What?

"Don't be an idiot! You know the answer to that without asking." She listened a little more. "Okay. I'm glad." She hung up.

"You and Ruth are talking about me?" I asked.

"Yes." She paused. "Or rather, you and Bela."

Being flabbergasted interfered with figuring out how annoyed I should be at that. "Why?"

She ignored the question. "Bela will be here in a bit, and I'd like to say something first."

"Why is Bela coming over?"

She ignored that question too. "I told you I was staying out of it, but now you know I wasn't. I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be certain I was on Bela's side no matter what I said."

She was right.

"You'd have been wrong. I wasn't going to pick a side between you two because you're both special friends, you both have crap in your past that gets in the way of your present, and you both have problems communicating when you're upset.

"When you let me see that video, I knew that you were trusting me just to... to... to know what had happened to you, not to use it or try to fix it or do anything else with what you shared. So, the only point of leverage I had was Bela, and that's why I've been talking to her about things. Please forgive me."

It wasn't hard. She was my friend. She hadn't done stuff to hurt me. "Okay."

The smile was genuine. It said thank you. "To answer your questions, I talked with Ruth because she came to me. She watched Bela and me for maybe an hour and then said, 'I think you're Bela's good friend.' It went on from there. I knew from some things that you've said that she helped you, so it made sense to talk to her." That made me uncomfortable.

"As for Bela, she's coming over because I want to talk about jobs." The Taty smirk came out. "And because I understand you two started talking today, and maybe that should continue. So, go shower and get work off you."

The three kids were in the back room. The three adults were sitting in the living room. Taty spoke directly to Bela. "You need to listen to everything I say and not fly off the handle at the first sentence."

Bela's eyebrows went up.

"A while ago, Matt told me about a job opportunity with his new company." I saw Bela stiffen. Her gaze shifted to me, and I was sure she was trying to decide how betrayed she should feel.

"If you feel betrayed by that" -- Jesus, is Taty psychic? -- "then I have to ask what that's all about. I mean, it should be about what's best for my family, right?" Jesus, she's playing hardball.

What could Bela say but, "Of course!"

Taty smiled. "I'm really happy to hear that because I'll also tell you that Matt wanted me to talk to you before I made a decision. He also said that if I don't take his offer, it wouldn't upset him at all. He just wanted me to know that there was an opportunity. He's been really good at listening when I made it clear that I wanted to be independent."

I heard the faintest emphasis on the word "clear" and the unspoken message there; I'm fairly sure Bela did too. Taty waited as Bela processed. Bela's gaze thawed a little.

"Matt," Taty said to me, "you yourself said you don't need a fulltime office manager right now other than someone to take calls." She turned to Bela. "I know that you're going to stretch to pay me what you offered, at least until Café Olé is a going thing. I also know you can't afford all the benefits that Matt's company can."

Over the next five minutes, Taty laid out her proposal. Basically, she wanted both jobs. Bela would have her opening manager and general adult-around-the-place, and at several thousand less a year less since she wouldn't be covering insurance premiums for Taty's family. I would have my back-office person for a fraction of what I was originally planning on paying plus benefits. The remainder of what I was going to spend would hire a part-timer to handle the phone. Taty said she could vouch for a few people who could handle that.

And all of this would be done out of an office located upstairs from Grano. "Commercial real estate is valuable, Matt, especially on a street as busy as your new building's. Why not lease that out and use the less-expensive space for your office?" she argued. "And I'm right there to help out even when I'm not working," she said to Bela.

"Of course, think of the tax savings if Matt and you were a single company. You could call it Coffee & Carpentry, Inc," Taty teased her with a smirk, "or Roasts & Renovations." Bela rolled her eyes.

"Taty, no matter what happens between Bela and me, that's not gonna happen." I saw Bela's eyes widen at the implication that I wouldn't want to work with her. "The coffee shops are hers and always will be."

The thaw that had started five minutes earlier got more profound.

"But that's a lot of hours for you," I continued.

"I'm about to do something I never thought I'd be able to do in my life: buy a home. You think I'm not willing to work hard for that?" The tone was fierce.

I put up my hands to show I meant no offense. "I'm okay with it. I'll let you two talk it out."

Ten minutes later, there was a tap at my bedroom door, and I rejoined them in the living room.

"We're good," Taty said. Bela nodded.

"I'm glad." I was. "So, what shall we do about food? I'm hungry."

I saw Taty meet Bela's eyes with a question. Or maybe it was more of a prompt than a question. There was a pause, then Bela turned to me.

"Taty said she'd watch Rafi tonight. Will you come home with me?"