Letter about My Masturbation Video

A work of fiction.

***

Okay, so you say you saw it before I took it down, and you are wondering what possessed me to do it? You say you downloaded the video on your computer, which suggests a subtle kind of blackmail, but lets no "go there" yet. For the moment, I'll take you at your word that you are just "curious" about why "someone like me with a reputation to worry about would take that kind of risk."

Well "sweetie," it happened like this...

Unable to sleep and sheltering-at-home inside my parents' house over Easter, I decided to make a masturbation video. As you know, Alice Albert-Moon is the pen name I use for erotic stories and erotic illustrations, but I have other identities in which I share actual photos, and sometimes even cam. For my own private amusement, I've masturbated on roulette sites with random strangers, but a one-on-one encounter wasn't what I was after. I wanted the adoration of thousands. I wanted to trigger orgasms across the globe - the way you do. For that, I needed to make a stand-alone video of myself, one that I could upload onto a porn site and show to the wider public, even you, though I wasn't thinking specifically of you at the time.

On top of that, I was bored and horny, so I thought I'd do something creative with the energy. I know that may be hard for you to imagine since you do them just for cash.

Downstairs in the big bathroom with a tub, I stripped off my pajamas and checked myself out in the mirror. The bad light made my pale skin look green and sickly, but otherwise, I thought I looked brick-house hot. I'm five foot one, as you know, and a bought of depression that deepened during the COVID lockdown had dropped my weight to a slender, pixie-like 100 pounds. On that tiny frame hang my pride-and-joy 32-C boobies that you're so jealous of (admit it.) I am 22, but as you once told me, "my babyface and my pert, girly figure could easily pass for 18."

I didn't just want to make any generic, solo vid, I wanted to make a POPULAR one. I wanted to see five stars, thumbs up over 90%, and desperate pleas of "who is she?" in the comments. I wanted mine to be more popular than yours have ever been. That's what you were worried about when you hit play, am I right? That I had gone from your internet hook-up to your internet rival?

I know you think I'm sheltered and naive, but I've liked watching solo videos of men and women masturbating since I started watching porn, and I think I know what qualities make one better than another. First off, the performer has to be hot, and I know my red hair puts me in a uniquely sought-after category. Hot brunettes like you are everywhere, let's face it. But more than hotness, one has to be authentic. If it looks fake, even for a second, the spell it casts is ruined, especially for those viewers masturbating along with it. One has to really masturbate the way one does it when alone, one has to generate authentic, frenzied arousal, and, of course, one must have a real, throbbing orgasm.

Fakers are obvious to everyone. Don't you agree? Everyone.

However, the truly outstanding solo videos always go a little beyond even authenticity, I think. The jacker or jiller always gives a little bit of themselves, a look into their private world and inner emotions. That's why solo videos that don't show a face never quite do it for me. Videos like yours, cut off right at the jaw.

I need the eyes as well as the genitals. What I think you don't understand is that great solo performer looks directly into the lens and says with their eyes, "This is me. This is really happening. I want you to feel it too."

Up until this point I had been very careful NEVER to show my face in anything I did online. There must be hundreds of photos of my tits and pussy circulating out there, but I'll bet that there's not even one of my face. As you know from trying to stalk me, I have no facebook or instagram account, and my friends know better than to try take my picture. I was homeschooled by parents who didn't own cameras or cellphones. My identity is my most precious secret. Showing my face is my biggest taboo. And maybe that's why I suddenly had an urge to break it.

So, I put on a robe and gathered supplies: a warm lamp for better light, my iPhone, and a little tripod, Astroglide, and home-made, red-and-white-striped "candy cane" dildo. I took out one of my doctor-prescribed Adderall tablets, crushed it into powder with the back of a teaspoon, and snorted it with a rolled Bed Bath & Beyond receipt. My horniness swelled into hysteria.

It took me 5 minutes to find the right camera angle, with me sitting on the floor back to the wall with my legs spread and my iPhone low on the floor. It took me 10 minutes to get the lamp in the right spot so that my cunt was well-illuminated but didn't make me look like I had a double chin. It took me almost a half hour to get my hair done - that tangled, chaotic mass of curls is actually the result of a painstaking process, and like many shy people, I'm a little vain. But, eventually, I was ready. Everything I needed was in place. I had pre-lubed myself and the dildo so there would be no fumbling on camera. I kissed my reflection and hit record.

If you really had watched the video on the porn site where I uploaded it, you would have seen a shot of my mother's bathtub, white tiles, and dark-green towels. I walk into frame wearing black pajamas covered in orange and white jack-o-lanterns. I sit down on the floor and look directly into the camera lens. My nervousness is obvious but I own it with a dopey shrug.

"This is the bathtub I where I masturbated for the first time and had my first orgasm. Upstairs my parents are asleep, that's why I'm whispering. I'm barely 18-years-old, but I've always wanted to do this, and right now the whole world feels like its ending, I can't think of a good enough reason not to." As I say this, I unbutton my pajama top and caress my breasts. I don't put on any fake, sexy, babydoll voice the way you do, playing some sort of character you think people want you to be. I'm just myself.

"If you're watching, boy or girl, old man or old lady, I really want you to touch yourself too." I say, but I really mean it. It's exactly what I want.

I go through some of the same obligatory steps you do in your masturbation videos, first touching myself over my pajama bottoms, then under, then I pull them down to my ankles, and finally kick them off. While I'm doing this I tell the story of how I ended up masturbating that first time in the tub next to me. (But you should already know this right? If you really saw the video and downloaded it as you say.)

By telling that story, I break my second taboo, which is to keep online identities separate. If someone had read my essay "What's It Like To Masturbate For The First Time" they could connect my face and my body to the name Alice Albert-Bloom. Along with the arousal, and stage fright, I also feel the terror of someone who has just leaped from a bridge. You would have heard that terror in the tremor of my voice. These are the little details I thought you would have mentioned. But anyway, that terror turns me on all the more. You would have seen it in the way I licked my lips. I couldn't help myself.

Reaching off-camera to grab the dildo, I tell the story of how, years earlier, I hand-sculpted it out of glue sticks melted with a hairdryer. I say that I was afraid of my parents intercepting anything I ordered by mail. I shaped a hook-like handle and decorated it with red and white electrical tape to disguise it as some sort of mutated candy-cane-Christmas decoration. I owned several home-made dildos when I lived at home, all hidden in sock puppets.

In the last minute, you would have seen me slide the dildo a few inches into in my ass as I rubbed my clit, because this is what I really do sometimes to get off. You would have seen me get red again, flushing from my ears to my sternum. Then you would have seen me cum.

To say it was the best orgasm of my life wouldn't be quite true. To say that the twitches and contractions that rippled through me were like electroshock would be a slight exaggeration. To say that I made noises like a howler monkey would be a little mean. But boy did I cum. I came for real. You should try it sometime.

For a full minute, I just sat there catching my breath and then giggling, still nervous, but satisfied. I slowly put back on my pajamas, crawl forward, and stop the recording.

Of course the real "jumping off the cliff" moment happened an hour later, at about 4 AM, when I uploaded it to the porn site. Then I crawled into bed and fell dead asleep. You weren't on my mind at all. It had nothing to do with you.

I slept until the middle of the afternoon, a little hungover from White Claw and Adderall. My mother made me pancakes and helped me order a new microwave for my apartment, and I didn't check up on the video until sundown. When I did, my heart leaped into my throat.

It had nearly seventy thousand views and thirty comments. Over and over in the comments, people asked, "Who IS she?" One commenter said that when I came I sounded like a howler monkey. I was going porn viral. I imagined seventy thousand people packed into a football stadium all watching the big video screen where my video is being broadcast. Like a collapsing house in an earthquake, it hit me that my friends could see this, my parents could see this, that this could follow me my entire life and define who I was. I admit that I chickened out.

By the way, have you ever gotten 70,000 views in a single day? I'm "just curious."

So I deleted it. I deleted it on the pornsite. I deleted it on my phone. I even deleted my account on the pornsite. For the last couple of months, I've wondered if it's still out there, and sometimes I google "readhead solo masturbation" just to see if it turns up. So far, no sign or mention of it has turned up... at least, until I got your email.

To answer your question, I'm not sorry I did it, because the experience was so intense I feel like it expanded me as a person. BUT, having done it, and so, so enjoyed it, I never have to do it again.

Now I want to turn people on with my words and artwork. I like online sex in all its forms, but I want to be an erotic writer, not another DIY porn star, who is never around more than a year before she is replaced by the next one. I'm not naive, but I think I am fundamentally shy, so I prefer to write about what I did rather than post it for all to see.

So, you're right - it really would be a "shame" if someone were to start spreading this around, someone like you, for instance. However, if you really saw it, you could tell me the phrase I said out loud right before coming. Can you tell me?

I thought not. Don't bother contacting me again. I don't think you really have it.

And I'm posting the contents of this reply to you online, so don't pretend to have this over me either. I don't care anymore.

Sincerely,

Alice