Lia Lee 01

Lia Lee 01

Because it's the weekend I am coming to you as Lia Lee. Unfortunately, I am coming to you from home because I don't get out much, but it's a beautiful day, so I'm writing to you so I have something to do.

Let me start by stating what I don't have. I don't have cooties and I don't have too many friends who are willing to include me in the things they do. They do come around from time to time, but only when they want or need something specific, like to hide from the girlfriends for a while or something.

What I have is a great attitude, rock star hair (thank you, thank you, thank you) and an outfit for every occasion, which would be so much cooler if I had more occasions in my life. I also have thighs that are going to be called thick if I don't start backing off on the chocolate milk shakes, but I also have plenty of time alone at home to use my home gym unit. Also, hah, I think I used it once and now it's a towel drying rack.

Now for what I want. That's my easy list. I want to get out more. I promise, I don't look all that bad and as previously stated, I don't have cooties and I have a medical card to prove. I want people to be nicer to me on Chang, but we all know that's not going to happen, right? I also want everyone to realize that I will stay in my lane if I get invited to something more often. That statement alone should be worth a lot, right? Just me in in the door and I'll lean against the wall and leave most people alone. Hey, I'll even keep quiet while I distribute the beers.

For what I don't want you to think is that I've taken a bitter pill. My roleplaying life is not all doom and gloom and I'm grateful that there are a few people who have the need to occasionally hide out and I have no problem if you talk to them to verify that I can stay in my own lane. I'm also grateful that I can think quick on my feet and I came up with a pretty good gimmick to get into one of Dale's mixers.

So, who is Dale? I think Dale and I qualify more as acquaintances than friends, but I also think that he picked up on how much time I spent home all dressed up and with no place to go. And by that, I mean that Dale lives kitty corner to me, so we can see each other a lot and I practically begged him to let me come over on one of evenings that his driveway was full of cars.

Well, (ladies), Dale is too sweet to turn his back on anyone and Dale (ladies) has a nice streak that runs very deep, not to mention (ladies) that I promised to stay in my lane and by the way (ladies), he's single and all of his stuff is expensive.

Well, one particular Saturday evening last June, there I was, all dressed up and with somewhere to go. Dale broke down and said that I could hang out at his place for an hour or so while his friends whoop it up and I wasn't going to let that opportunity go. Out of respect for Dale, I dressed very appropriately and stayed in my lane. LOL, I leaned against the wall and judged everyone. I mean, I had to know who has what attitude towards the boy in the corner who dresses like a girl and wears makeup, right?

These aren't exact numbers, but my best guess was that the score card broke down like this. 20% had no issues with me at all, 60% may have had an issue with me, but as long as I kept the beers coming from the refrigerator, then they didn't care. And true to the levels of society, there were certainly about 20% who couldn't cope with me as a CD, but out of respect for Dale, they kept their knives and guns in their boots.

And according to the community on Chang, that was the perfect mix of people at a mixer, so I took it as a victory and prepared myself to leave and walk home while I was ahead. But not before I distributed one last round of beers just because I wanted to leave on a higher note. And by that, all I mean is that I even wanted the haters to say "thank you" as I popped the tab on their beer. And that worked for two reasons. One, I didn't release my grip on the beer until they at least mumbled a thank you and two, LOL, none of the 20% group reached into their boots for their gun to shoot the fem boy, out of respect for Dale, of course. Well, the guy with the really fancy cowboy boots reached down, but it was just to adjust his boot cut jeans (thank you, thank you, thank you).

Why I chose to squeeze the arm of the taller dark hair was beyond my experience, but I've never been in a position to quit while I was ahead, so I asked him (Trevor) to stand on the Dale's front porch and watch that I made it home safely. And yes, I said "on Dale's front porch" loud enough so that the others didn't think any stupid stuff. I just wanted a pair of eyes on me, not a pair of hands on me. You know, as far as the others were concerned.

"So, Lia Lee, which house is yours?"

"That one across the street with the front porch light on. Um, Trevor, did you want to stay here on the porch for a few minutes before I go home?"

"Sorry Lia Lee, but I'm not really wired that way. I mean, thanks, but you know, right?"

"Fine, but I couldn't help but to notice that you weren't with a date. I also noticed that you like the Rhinestone designs on the back pockets of my jeans, so I thought we could talk about that, you know, off to the side of the porch."

"Um, Rhinestone designs? I hadn't noticed."

"Oh yes, you did, but whatever. Can we at least exchange phone numbers or isn't your phone hard wired that way?"

"Ah, sure, but can you back up a little, I mean, I'm really looking for a, ah, another type of person."

"Sorry Trevor, this is my first time talking to someone that I just met and I also admit that I don't know all of the rules of engagement. But listen, when you say "another type of person", do you mean a person with a body temperature of 98.6 degrees? I mean, I admit that I might be a little warmer than that right now, but I think you are too."

"Alright Lia Lee, that's enough."

"For now? OK. At least walk me half way home? I promise that I won't cut any of your wires."

Oh, that worked. What also worked was Angela Jaye's tricked of gently slipping his hand inside of the closet back pocket of my jeans. I mean, it worked to make his eyes big, but it still worked because he left his hand in there.

"So, Trev, will this be the last I hear from you?"

"Well, you understand, right Lia Lee?"

"Ah, no, but it's to be expected, I suppose. But you won't ignore me if Dale invites me to another one of his mixers, right?"

"No, I don't mind having you as a friend, but, ugh, what are you? I mean, the word sissy doesn't seem to fit you, so what are you?

"It's not what I am, but who I am. I'm Lia Lee on the weekends and my body temperature is the same as everyone else's. I just so happen to come with my own thermometer. Anyways, tell me something weird about you, for next time. And I already know that it's weird for you to still have your hand in my back pocket."

"It's weird that I always think Dale will serve warm soft pretzels at his parties. It's always boring chips and stuff."

Oh, yeah, well, I asked, right? And there I was thinking that I was opening the door for him to say something like it's weird that he has a boner for a boy who wears girl's clothing and makeup, right?

"Wow, that's weird. How silly of me to think that you were going to ask me if you could stroke off on my bare bottom or something. I mean, that would be weirds, right? Anyways, thanks for walking me home, Trevor."

LOL, nope, that didn't work, but I owned his blue balls and that was another first for me and by that, I mean I posted all kinds of foolish stuff on Chang. It also means that I waited in the shadows for the next few days so I could prance on Dale (ladies), who just needs someone to show him the path forward as a young, slightly over-weight adult who has value.

I believe it was the following Tuesday, my off day from the Ice Cream Parlor, when I had a chance to surprise attack him in his driveway. Also, LOL, it was the first time I exposed my Lia Lee character to the neighbors.

"Dale, all I want to know is if I can come to your next mixer. I think I was dressed appropriately and I was certainly well behaved. There were no complaints, right?"

"And all I want to know is why I have so inquiries on my homepage! I can find my own woman!"

"Ah, no you can't and call them possible matches. Inquiries sounds like job interview stuff."

"Exactly! I have three requests for interviews!"

"Hah, I already vetted them. Also, I sent Kathleen a photo of your bed set. I mean, yay, save the Elks, but not on your bed. So, thank you and you're welcome????"

"Ugh, fine, but no exposed skin! You had too many eyes on you last weekend. Also, that Quinn, right?"

Hah, mixer invite secured, Dale all worked up (keep coming ladies) and with the expansion of my thighs due to all of the double chocolate milkshakes that I have drowning my sorrows in, well, capri tights under a pair of shorts are almost mandatory at this point in time.

Not to mention that the Ice Cream Parlor had my saving grace in another form and no smartasses, not the shape of my thighs, but a soft pretzel machine. And if Trevor wants soft pretzels with mustard, well, then he's going to get one. LOL, and so will everyone else at the mixer so it doesn't look like I'm playing favorites.

Oh, waiting for the next three weeks was insane. Also, damn, not one call or text from Trevor during those three agonizing weeks, but he made it clear that I'm not his type, so deep down, I expect that. Also, damn, I expected at least one text to see if I actually made it inside of the house safely, right? I mean, come on, be a gentleman, right? Nope.

Fast forward three weeks and I was dressed appropriately (not) and on my way to the Ice Cream Parlor to pick up a bag of warm soft pretzels and to snag the squirt bottle of mustard when Jeannie the Freak wasn't looking. And I'm sure you have heard it before, Jeannie is a unique individual and deserves her own story.

Oops, first (ladies), Dale lives in a newer ranch style house and the kitchen is freshly remodeled. But enough about his finished basement that would accommodate children and their toys, it's back to Jeannie the sex addict freak.

"Alright Lia Lee, thirty-three soft pretzels because you're looking to suck your first cock tonight. And don't think that I didn't see you swipe the mustard bottle, just remember that it's not the only thing that will squirt if you squeeze it enough. So, I'll see you Monday night for you usual? By the way, I bought a new measure tape for your thunderstorm thighs. Have fun tonight and post some blurry face photos."

"So, don't be like you?"

"Exactly. It's too late for me sweetie. I'm branded for life. Hey, do you want to lick my titties before you leave? Half off."

Yup, that's life at the Ice Cream Parlor. It's also the reason why people around these parts (not Dale) go to the Ice Cream Parlor so often.

"Shut it, Jeannie. Dale said I need to stayed all buttoned up. He was all yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah, so how do I look?"

"Hmmm, well, button up your shorts and you zip up your jacket and you're good."

Oops. I mean, nope, not tonight, unless Quinn goes all future girlfriend on me because I accidently invited her to the mixer (just a first interview ladies, so don't get discourage).

Anyways, I was feeling good while I drove back towards my house and I felt even better as I made the kitty corner walk to Dale's house with two bags of warm soft pretzels in my arms. And sorry Mr. Gates, they are all spoken for, for the moment, but stick around and maybe I'll slip you one out the back. You know, to where you're hiding while you watch me strut across the street.

Well, damn, when I walked into Dale's house, ugh, it was basically the same group of people and even when 14 people give you a small smile and a head nod, it just takes those three or four haters to spoil the moment. Oh, CD issues, right? I said it before, I'm staying in my lane, so shut it.

Oops, I guess I said that out loud, but apparently, it worked. And I could only guess that the voice behind me was that of Quinn.

"Here, let me help you with, ah, pretzels???? Anyways, I'd kiss you if I weren't upset with you!"

"OMG, I told you in advance that the bathroom was dated, but the tiles are in excellent shape. Just ignore the color until you suck a remodeling job out of him, I mean convince him to cash in a little of his Bitcoin to remodel the main bathroom."

"Hmmm, Bitcoin, huh? Well, you should stop posting about his good qualities then. Also, that tall guy was asking about you. Is there something going on between you two? Or is that what the pretzels are for?"

"Did he ask where I was because he knew that I was bringing him is favorite snack and that he was going to show his gratitude by talking to me in the laundry room?"

"Sort of. He asked if you were coming. So, do we squirt mustard on these and put them on a plate?"

"Exactly, but I'll fix Trevor's. He likes squiggly lines of mustard with slanted loops. Also, you said that you're all crafty and stuff, so you do it."

"So, you're sucking his dick tonight? In my new house? In the laundry room? Cool, but he doesn't seem to be built that way to me. By the way, I might still peck you in private tonight because Dale said that this cool ass Breakfast bar was your idea."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, now prove to me that you are crafty like you stated in your resume'. See if you can make the slanted loops mustard spell out "sexy" if you look closely. Like fancy and stuff."

Oh, look at that. The word "sexy" spiraled all the way around the pretzel and you had to stare at it to realize that it said "sexy" in mustard. I mean, it said "sex me tonight" on the pretzels cross loop, but what the hell, right?

"Like that, Lia Lee?"

"Oh yeah, that's worth framing."

Oh, I could see the words "favor owed" in her eyes, but that was a problem for another day. A huge problem because she texted me and said that she might get headaches after the first year, but that was a year down the road. Right now, I had a sexy pretzel to deliver while it was warm and soft, which didn't very long because Trevor appeared behind me.

"Hey Lia Lee, that Quinn girl said I might find you in here. She also said that I won't be Dale's best man, but I don't know what she meant by that."

Hey Trev, here, I brought you special treat tonight. It's not quite 98.6 degrees like I am, but it's your weird fantasy. A pretzel with mustard strings. Also, did Quinn say that she was going to name her baby girl after me?"

"Ah, damn Lia Lee, thanks, but I told you already. I mean, this pretzel is perfect, but still, right? OMG, this is so good. Cheating on your part, but so yummy."

"Well, there are lot of people here tonight, so out of respect for Dale, we should take this discussion to the laundry room. We can close the door and discuss your issues in private. You can eat your pretzel on the way. You see the words written with the mustard, right?"

"Look, aren't T-Girls supposed to be all pissed off at the world and stuff? Why don't you just get mad and fed up with me and make a scene and then storm out? Also, stop using stuff against me. I'm starting to get un-hard wired."

Oh, damn, I'm finding all kinds of things that work lately. I especially found out that I didn't have to wait for him to hug me in that special way. I mean, keep that mustard out of my hair, but grind me back too, right?

"Ugh, Lia Lee, you're putting a lot of pressure on me!"

"Oh, I feel your pressure alright, Trevor and it feels like your pressure value wants to pop off. Hmmm, that's the spot, right there. Or anywhere else that works for you. You hear me saying that I'm willing and able, right? Ooh, but this is certainly ready and very able! How do you not come to these mixers without a date? Are you posting enough stuff on social media?"

"Damn it, I'm not that way and you shouldn't be stroking me like that. Also, I'm much for the social media."

"So, should I stop? I mean, it took a lot for me to pull it out and I honestly have no idea how to put it back inside of your pants. So????"

"Ugh, oh, OMG, I swear, um, ah, if you spread this around, I'll, oh, OMG, your mouth is warm!"

Sorry, can't talk. I took lessons on Chang and I'm trying to practiced what I learned.

"Um, oh yeah, take it Lia Lee, oh, OMG, that's the way baby, it's your Lolli Pop."

Oops, the results are censored because that was my first experience with a nut that wasn't mine and I don't think it was anything worth recording. I mean, Trevor was all happy and relieved, but still, right? It was so-so from my side, I think. Also, ah, (ladies), why hasn't Trevor been with a date at these mixers? You could do worse.

"Don't you dare go all "I hope you're happy Lia Lee because you got what you wanted" on me, Trevor."

"I'm not. I admit that I wanted this since the first time we met, but you know, right? That hard wired a different way thing. So, now what, Lia Lee?"

"OMG, I'm not going to hang on you like a girlfriend or a boyfriend, but you shouldn't be so quick to kick me the curb. I can be your secret for a while. Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I really need a beverage right now. I kind of never did that before."

LOL, like out of woodwork. OMG, Quinn.

"Here sweetie, try this ice tea and Trevor, down this beer and walk her home and you know, go inside for a nightcap. And they key word there is lubricated condoms."

Huh, wait, what, when were those key words spoken?

"OMG, Quinn!"

"Relax Lia Lee. It's a solid 6 for you and a huge 10 for Trevor Poo, a huge 10. Also, ah, Lia Lee, a few less milk shakes and a little more calory burning, hint, hint. And the key word there is on your hands and knees."

Well, I suppose I was in no position to argue with her about her rating seeing how it was my first time an all. Besides, when I posted about it on Chang, Angela Jaye remarked that the lady who rated my work was probably just being nice, so I booked the 6 in red bold and closed the chat room. Also, that wasn't as easy as those T-Girls on Chang make it look, but we'll see how things go going forward.

Now, as for Trevor walking me home across the street, well, he did and he did come inside. But that's well it's a little confusing. On one hand, he wants it to be kept a secret (censorship again), but on the other hand he wants the world to know that he absolutely tore up his un-named date and made her cry with pleasure. So, what the hell am I supposed to do with that? Create another fake Chang account with a different name and change my hair and let everyone know that Trevor Poo is great in bed? Should I lie and say that it was pleasurable for me when it hurt like hell and I learned my lesson?

LOL, none of the above. Quinn hacked my Lia Lee Chang account and posted that I was a perfect sex partner for my un-named lover, who had the time of his life. I mean she didn't have to say that my presence would be expected at all future mixers and stuff, but she gave the Ice Cream Parlor a nice compliment for the soft pretzels.

By the way, yeah, people have been putting two and two together and it won't be long before Trevor starts getting questioned about what happened when he walked me home those few times. Also, Jeannie the freak from the Ice Cream Parlor has worked out half of the math for those who are searching for the answers.

End Lia Lee 01