Life Is Too Short Ch. 02

"Thanks, Pam."

It was a weird, wonderful moment.

The short drive to my new, temporary home was filled with thoughts and memories. I pulled over to let the emotions catch up with me. Once I regained composure, I was able to redirect my attitude towards a happy and fulfilled future--or at least I hoped it would be happy. Dave's illness would be a bump in that road and I prayed I'd have the strength to handle it.

A big part of me wondered what my future would be with Allie. Up till now, I pushed those thoughts away. They felt disrespectful to Dave even though it was his encouragement that made them more a part of my wishful thinking.

I pulled into my new designated parking place and noticed two pairs of eyes peeking between the curtains. It warmed my heart that they not only wanted me with them, but that they were truly excited to have me there. I walked up to the door, but never had a chance to open it as my two friends came spilling out onto the porch.

Dave looked pretty good today, and was wearing a big smile "Welcome, Meathead!"

Allie scolded him. "Dave! What a way to make him feel welcomed."

"It's okay, Allie. I wouldn't feel at home unless used his favorite name for me."

Our three-way hug made the moment even warmer.

Dave helped me to my room, although I could see the flight of stairs was not easy for him. I carried the few suitcases and boxes to my room, then went downstairs to join them. At the bottom of the stairs, I looked into Dave's office and noticed his desk was moved to accommodate a hospital bed. Dave saw me noticing the change.

"It was delivered yesterday. Don't need it yet, but I will soon. Lucky I have a full bathroom attached to the old office, so it makes a perfect 'God's waiting room,' don't ya think?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm amazed how you can seem to take this all in stride and still joke around. Are you really this okay with stuff?"

A bit of a cloud came over his expression. "Ted, what choice do I have? I can't let it change who I am, but, yeah, I'm scared. I'm more scared than I've ever been." A tear trickled down his right cheek as he looked up at me.

"I guess that's normal. Allie and I will be here all the way. We love you, man!"

Dave hugged me with a strong sense of desperation. "I know, and you have no idea how much it means to have you here."

Allie came around the corner and sensed the need to lighten the mood, which she did by announcing dinner was ready.

Conversation was light during dinner, as we feasted on a dish that Allie was famous for--Thai curry chicken. She blended Thai spices with a French béchamel and served it over rice with broccoli. I was a bit embarrassed by how much I pigged out, but damn it was good.

"Allie, you keep cookin' like that, I'm gonna end up doubling my weight."

"Okay, then tomorrow I'll make tofu meatless loaf."

She held a straight face for a long time before I figured out she was joking. Figuring it out wasn't hard once she broke into uncontrollable laughter.

"I can't believe you bought that. You should have seen your face!"

Once the laughter died down, Allie changed the subject. "Oh, before I forget, next weekend our sons will be here. Dave Junior is flying in from Houston with his wife and Luke is coming in from Seattle. I don't know if you heard, but Luke isn't with that evil woman anymore, thank God."

"That's great! I haven't seen either of them in ages. Is Davie bringing the kids?"

"No. Both Gail and Jeff are busy with exams, so Davie is leaving them home for this trip. They may fly up on their own a few weeks later."

Dave's face went dark. "I hope that's not too late so I can still see them."

*****

After dinner, we settled into a routine that would be normal for the coming weeks. We sat on the couch with Allie in the middle and just talked or watched a movie. Once in a while we played cards or some other game until Dave got too tired. Most nights, he was done by 9:00 or so.

We became comfortable as housemates. I could see Dave getting weaker, but he was still fairly self-sufficient.

I began most mornings with my bicycle workout. A local lake had a nine mile path that went completely around it. I alternated days where I did two laps or one, and took Sunday off.

Dave Jr., his wife Alissa, and Luke, Dave and Allie's other son, had a great visit. I tried to give them as much private time as possible, and I know there were lots of serious talks and tears, but Allie did everything she could to include me. She was sending the boys a message that I was family, but they already knew that since I was always "Uncle Ted" to them.

The visit with the grandchildren, Gail and Jeff, was heartwarming. Dave was doing pretty well, and you could see how much they adored their grandfather.

The day after they returned home, Dave took a turn for the worse. He could no longer climb the stairs, so the hospital bed was put to use. The hospice service was called in and soon had someone there around the clock.

It wasn't more than a few days after hospice started that Dave needed the strong stuff for pain. He was out of it most of the time, but Allie and I were with him during our waking hours.

I was amazed by the folks that work hospice. I don't know how they can do it, but they do it well. The one nurse and I got along nicely, and I had to ask her one day, "How long?"

She took my arm, and softly replied, "I can't be certain, but I'd estimate a few days at the most. I see this every day and you just get to know."

Dave was only communicative for short periods just before he was due for medication. Several days later, just before he was given more medication, he asked for it to be delayed. He wanted to be lucid so he could talk with Allie and me. He called us in separately at first to express his last thoughts of love and gratitude, and then wanted us there together.

"Ted, Allie, you...well...please...remember what I said. I want you both to...well...take care of each other, whatever form that may take. I can tell it's my time. I'm pretty sure that once I'm drugged-up again, I'm not gonna wake up. Promise me two things."

Unable to speak, we both nodded our heads.

"Stay close to each other, and have one fine party in my memory with lots of fun and jokes. I'll be outta pain and will be having a party of my own. Okay?"

We hugged, then Dave started coughing and called for the nurse. She gave him the medication he needed and the pained look on his face slowly faded. That night we sat with him and held his hand as the "Sweet Chariot" carried him home.

*****

At first, it was very strange without Dave in the house. On the outside, Allie seemed strong and together and we tried to make each day as normal as possible. But almost every evening when we collapsed on the couch, her silent tears gave away her emotions. Mostly in silence, we embraced as we mindlessly watched some sappy movie. Several weeks after Dave's memorial service we were watching a poor imitation of a Hallmark movie on a wanna be channel when, uncharacteristically, Allie wanted to talk.

"It seems so strange to be here like this without Dave."

"What? Do you mean us cuddling like this? Is it too much?"

"No, no! I'm glad you are here and that we can be close. I guess, with Dave gone, you're my best friend and I need this. What seems strange is that I constantly think about him. I often catch myself looking for him to ask a question, or to hear one of terrible jokes. You'd think my brain would realize he's not here, but my heart still reaches for him."

"Believe it or not, I sometimes do the same thing when my mind briefly makes me look for Pam. But I know our experiences have to be very different. With Pam, she may still be alive but the single-body union we had has been splitting for years. And with Dave--I still expect to see him at the bar giving me his unique form of sass or being able to commiserate with him. Unfortunately, the only thing I have to commiserate about these days is Dave not being here. I can't imagine what you're feeling."

"I miss him so much," she cried. "Everything I see reminds me of him. Even being with you reminds me of him. Shoot, I still talk to him all the time in my mind. At night, I talk out loud to his pillow. I loved him so much, and it's not fair that he was taken from me."

We were silent for a moment while our words hovered over us. Allie was suffering, and I needed to find a way to help her move forward. "Can I suggest something?"

"Uh... I guess."

"As I said, I can't begin to understand what all this has done to you, but I know what Dave would say."

"Ted, I'm not near ready for any, you know, relationship."

"Oh, no, Allie. That's not what I had in mind. I think Dave would want you to start to find things you like to do. You know--get more active again. We've been sitting on this couch like potatoes and it's not healthy for either of us."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Didn't you play a lot of tennis before Dave got sick? Why not return to your league?"

"I'm not sure. I love tennis and would like to get back to it, but the other gals are all married and most of the conversation is about husbands. I don't think I could stomach that."

"Yeah, I guess I can see your point. Maybe you can join a new league or something."

She suddenly sat up straight and smiled. "I know! You play tennis, don't you?"

"I did until a few years ago--every Tuesday and Thursday morning with a friend at work."

"There's a doubles league for couples. You could be my partner and that would get us both off of this couch!"

"I like that idea! Let's look into that."

"I think that could be fun."

"I'm guessing it may take a week or two to get that set up. So, how about if we do something this Friday night?"

"Like what?"

"Leave it to me. It will be a surprise."

"Oh, you think I trust you that much, do you?" It was good to see her smile again.

"I wouldn't trust me if I were you. But, please? Let me do this?"

"Only because you said, please. Now, we're missing the whole plot of this great American movie classic."

We snuggled together, and I think we both felt our moods had turned much lighter.

*****

For the rest of the week, Allie kept trying to get me to tell her where we were going. She pretended to be irritated, but I could tell she was excited by the possibilities and looked forward to whatever I had in store for her. Friday evening finally arrived, and Allie and I left the house dressed casually.

Right at 6:00, I pulled into the parking lot of Sallie's Burger Barn and Allie dissolved into laughter.

"I guess we're not worrying about a healthy diet tonight?"

"Nope. A good old fashioned burger and shake--just like a high school date." I cringed as soon as I said it. "I mean, it's not a date-date, but... you know, two friends out on the town."

"Relax, Ted. I know what you meant."

"Sorry. I guess I was thinking date because it's kind of a double date."

"Double? Who else will be here?"

"You'll see."

"Dang, you're infuriating!" Her broad smile and the playful slap on my arm told me she loved my surprises.

I held her door and walked her in through the main entrance. We barely made it through the door when Allie was almost tackled.

"Aunt Allie!"

"Kelsi! Bret! So you guys are our double date?"

Kelsi smiled at us both. "Date, huh?"

"Down, girl. Allie and I just discussed that this is not a date."

Kelsi hugged us both. "Well, if you say so."

We enjoyed the juiciest, sloppiest burgers in the county along with the best real milkshakes money can buy. Kelsi and Allie chatted at a speed near Mach 1 about babies and similar topics, while Bret and I made silent comments with facial expressions. It made for a cherished memory I'll carry with me for a long time.

It seemed too soon, but eventually the waitress dropped off the bill.

"I guess we need to go," I announced.

Allie stuck out her lower lip in a pretend pout. "We're going home so soon?"

"I didn't say we were ready to go home. We just need to move to our next destination."

Allie bounced up and down in her seat. "Oooo. Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

I started to say something to drag out the surprise when Kelsi interrupted me.

"We're going bowling!"

"Kelsi, it was supposed to be a surprise."

"Dad, give her a break."

Allie jumped to her defense. "Lighten up, Ted. We girls need to stick together."

Bowling was a blast, especially because we all sucked at it. I didn't care about the scores, but what mattered most was the feeling among us. Allie and Kelsi clearly formed an even closer bond than they had before. Bret and I also created a closer friendship. But the thing I cherished the most was the bond forming between me and Allie. It may not have been a real date in the romantic sense, but it felt that way to me.

Driving home, Allie's smile warmed my heart. For a few hours, she was alive again. As we pulled into the driveway, she turned and kissed me on the lips.

"Thank you, Ted. I really needed that. Can we find a way to get with Kelsi and Bret more often?"

"I'll ask Kelsi, but I know she'd love that. How do you feel about every Friday until she can't because of the baby?"

"If she and Bret can put up being with us old people that often, I'd love that."

"Old people? I don't know about you, but I felt more like a teen-ager than I have in years. And you? Your inner nine-teen-year-old was out and shining tonight. Tomorrow my back may remind me of my age, but tonight I feel great."

"Me, too. And, Ted, you were right--I needed tonight."

"Yeah. Me too, actually. I can't remember the last time I had that much fun. I don't know about you, but I'm not ready for bed. Wanna catch a movie on Hallmark?"

"Sure!"

We tuned in the channel and started the movie. I don't think the opening sappy theme music had ended before Allie was snuggled against me and fast asleep. After about fifteen minutes later, she barely stirred when carried her to her bed, took off her shoes, and covered her with a quilt. Her eyes fluttered and she smiled as I gently kissed her cheek. "Good night."

"Night, Ted," she sleepily mumbled.

I was dead tired, but my mind wouldn't turn off. I was sure I was falling in love, yet I knew it was too soon to expect Allie to be ready for any kind of commitment. It didn't matter to me, because I knew she was worth waiting for.

*****

Several weeks after the burger and bowling date, Kelsi, Bret, and Pam found a house that would work for them. It was new construction with a master/in-law suite on the first floor, and four bedrooms upstairs that included another master suite. It was about a hundred grand above the budget I gave them, but I decided to make the finances work. It would take several months before their new house was finished and the old one was ready to sell.

Kelsi and Bret joined us every Friday for double-date nights. We each took turns planning the evenings and our activities. Dinners varied anywhere from burgers joints to gourmet restaurants. After we ate, we'd either catch a play or movie, play miniature golf, or engage in a whole range of other experiences. I think my favorite was the golf driving range where you shoot at targets and they keep score electronically. Movies and plays were great, but I liked activities where we could talk. I don't know why, but fellow theater-goers didn't like us talking through the show. Snobs!

For several months, Allie and I had been playing in a couple's tennis league every Monday and Thursday evening. We ended the tennis evenings with a nice dinner, and we were definitely in a comfortable rut. Every Monday we ate at our favorite Italian restaurant, and Thursdays always found us landing at a great little Chinese restaurant.

After a particularly enjoyable Thursday tennis match, we shared a large assortment of dim sum and entrees with the full intention of taking home a lot of leftovers. It felt like the right time to talk about some things on my mind.

"Allie, I can't believe how well we played against that couple. I was told they were the champs last year."

"I've never really played doubles before, but I really love it. You were sandbagging me when I asked you if you played. You're not only pretty good, but you can be fun, too."

"What? Did you think I'd be boring?"

"The way Pam used to pick on you, I wasn't sure." She suddenly looked worried. "Oh, is that a sore subject? I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. That's all in the past, and I'm having the time of my life. As a matter of fact, I was wondering if you'd like to try golf. I haven't played in a while, but I'd like to get back to it. Have you ever played?"

"If you mean on an actual course, no. But I really like it when we go to that driving range."

"You're very athletic, so I think you'd take to it like a duck to water."

"If you say so. Let's give it a try."

"Great. I'll set something up for a basic lesson, and then we'll go from there."

I was silent for a moment trying to figure out how to approach the other things I wanted to really say.

"Allie, I don't want to bring things down, but it's been about four months since Dave... you know. You never really say too much about how you're doing, but...well, how are you doing?"

She gently put down her chopsticks and stared down at her plate for a moment. "I don't know how to describe it. There's times I feel like I'm doing really well and putting things in perspective, and other times I feel like it only happened yesterday. Do you know what I mean?"

"I can't know exactly, but I have some idea."

"I know you're asking for all the right reasons, and I know you really care. But I sense you're also asking about what Dave said to us both, aren't you?"

"I can't lie. Yes, I am. This is uncharted ground for us both. I researched a lot of resources on the grieving process, because the last thing I want to do is put any pressure on you. Everything I read tells me there is no template for the surviving spouse to be open to a new relationship. Most seem to say the average is one to two years, while others say there is no set time. Each individual's experience is different."

"I don't know where I am, Ted." A lone tear trickled down her cheek.

"That's okay. Believe me, I understand. To some extent, I think Dave's charge to us adds a dimension of pressure and I don't want either of us to feel stressed because of his wishes."

"Why are you bringing this up now?"

"I guess for selfish reasons, but also because I want you to know where I am without feeling you have to respond in any particular way. I'm falling in love with you, Allie. But if all we ever have is what we are now, I can live with that. I just wanted you to know where I am, and I don't expect any kind of reply from you unless or until you're ready."

"I'm not yet in a state of mind where I can promise anything, but I know I'd be lost without you these past few months and when I'm with you I feel loved and secure. I'd be less than honest if I didn't say that I've had lots of thoughts about us, yet I can't stop feeling guilty for even thinking about that so soon after Dave's passing. Can you be patient with me?"

"Absolutely. The main thing I wanted you to know is how much I care, and that I'm willing to wait no matter how long it takes. As I said, even if all we ever have is the way we are now, I'd still be a happy guy. Okay?"

She sweetly smiled and looked directly into my eyes. "You're an amazing man, Ted. Pam is an idiot, you know."

"You're kind to say so, but I can't be upset with her anymore. I just hope she'll figure out why she changed so much and that she'll tell me so I can understand. But enough about her. I have one more thing I want to ask you."

"Dave always saved the hardest conversation for last. Are you doing that, too?"

"No, I don't think it's the hardest topic. It's just something I hope you're willing to do with me, but I'd understand if you think it's too soon."