Life Is Too Short Ch. 02

She laughed. "Not something dirty, is it?"

"No, no! Behave now."

"If I must. So, spill. What is it?"

"Sometime in the coming months I'd like to take a trip for a week or so to California wine country. With separate rooms and all, I was wondering if you'd be willing to join me."

"Oh, I don't know."

"Again, I understand if you feel it's too soon. Plus, I know some of the ladies at church are already concerned because we live in the same house. I don't want you to have to deal with stuff like that."

"Oh, I don't care what some old biddies think. You and I know the truth, and that's all that matters. Anyone who is a real friend knows the same. Let's talk some more about it in a day or two. You can show me what you have in mind, and I can mull it over. Actually, it sounds like it could be fun."

On the drive home she talked excitedly about taking up golf. She also said that she always wanted to visit California wineries but seemed more hesitant to talk further on the subject, so golf was the primary subject.

The pace of our relationship was hers to control, and I hoped I didn't screw things up in our discussion. In retrospect, I think I did okay, but I also understand that I can be clueless. If her demeanor was any indication, everything between us was just fine.

*****

Allie gave my proposed trip a lot of thought, but decided not to accept my offer at that time. I was disappointed, but understood. I thought about changing my travel plans to attend a classic car auto auction in Arizona. They had a few cars listed that were just what I was looking for. Instead, I just chose to stay home and work on selling the old house and finding my new one.

Several weeks passed, and things were moving quickly with the old house. I had been putting off finding my own place because Allie and I had a comfortable arrangement, and she made it clear she wanted me to stay. But I had plans. I didn't have any of my tools accessible, and I wanted to get started on finding some classic cars I lusted after. I needed to start looking for my own place to call home, so I decided to talk with Allie about my plans over dinner.

"It looks like you enjoyed my meatloaf. Are you gonna lick the plate?"

"I'm tempted. I'm just glad you didn't have to kill any tofu to make it."

I almost got a spit-take from her with that. Allie quickly regained her composure. "You remember that, do you?"

"I can't forget. You and Dave made me feel so welcomed that night, and you yanking my chain was just the right touch."

"You were, and still are welcomed."

"I really appreciate that. The timing came together to all our benefit."

"Yeah, it did."

"Allie, I know you have told me I can stay as long as I like, but I think it's time I find a place where I can get my tools and stuff and start doing some of the things I want to do during retirement. I hope that doesn't upset you, because that's the last thing I want to do."

She tried to force a smile, then quickly got up to clear the table as she tried to respond.

"Upset? No. But definitely sad. I understand, though. Do you have a place or a timetable?"

"No, but I know what I'm looking for. In fact, I'd really like it if you'd help me look at places."

Looking away from me, she tried to nonchalantly wipe her face, I assume to clear away tears.

"That sounds like fun. What are you looking for?"

"I'd like something about two acres and not too far away, but definitely outside of town. I'd like it to be all on one floor and have a two car garage connected to it. It must have a master suite with a big bathroom and a huge shower room with a rain head in the middle, and multiple shower heads."

"Multiple shower heads? That sounds like a playroom for more than one person."

"Hopefully, someday. Then I want to be sure I can put up a building with three garage doors for a boat and the classic cars I plan to buy. I'm also hoping I can locate a barn-find car to rebuild on my own with Bret's help. He said it's something he always wanted to do and I think it could be a good 'bonding' project."

"Oooo, classic cars. I've always wanted a Boss 302 Mustang."

"Wow, I never knew you were a muscle-car girl."

"Oh, yeah. My dad was into cars and he had a beautiful, white Boss 302 with the blue stripes. I always wished I could've talked him into giving it to me, but he had to sell it to pay bills." Her face fell a bit as she continued. "So, when are you gonna start looking at houses?"

"I'm contacting a realtor tomorrow to start the process. From there, it just depends upon how long it takes to find the right one."

"So, you'll stay here until you take possession?"

"If that's okay."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Our couch time that evening was particularly quiet. We snuggled up during some Hallmark movie, but I don't think either of us were really watching. I wanted to talk about our relationship, but I kept chickening out. Once in a while, I saw her look up at me as if she wanted to say something, but she kept letting the moment slide.

Were there signs? Was she giving me signals? Damn, I wish I was better at this, but I hadn't dated in fifty years. Even then, I married the first girl I'd ever kissed. I never could figure out how to communicate with the opposite sex. My relationship with Pam certainly proved that to be true.

Once it was bedtime, we rose from our seats and our hands held on a little longer than normal. Was that some sign? We went to our separate rooms and I couldn't sleep while desperately trying to figure it all out. One thing I knew for sure, though. I was in love with Allie. I knew I told her I'd be patient, but I was starting to ache to hold her and kiss her the way I wanted to. Was she starting to feel the same way? I wouldn't push. When she was ready, she would let me know.

*****

The next morning, I did a nine-mile ride and came home to the smell of fresh biscuits and a big pan of sausage sawmill gravy. It may not be the healthiest breakfast, but it was one of my favorites.

I quickly showered, and joined Allie at the table.

"You must have read my mind. I love biscuits and gravy."

"I know. You've been living here long enough that I think I pretty well know your likes and dislikes."

She seemed preoccupied with something, and of course I had no idea what it may be. After our leisurely breakfast and idle chatter, I helped her clear the table and decided to risk asking.

"Allie, I guess I'm not very well plugged into everything you're going through, so I'm gonna just ask. Is something bothering you?"

She looked at me with sad eyes, then cast her gaze down to the dishes in the sink. Damn... the sink. How appropriate that my heart sank that very moment. The moment of silence seemed an eternity.

"Ted, I've thought a great deal about all we've talked about recently--especially you and me. I mean, I thought a lot about that. Dave was determined that you and I go there."

"Are you saying you're not interested?" I choked on each word as it passed my lips.

"On, no! No, I'm very interested. It's just...well, I don't know how to put it other than saying--I'm not ready. I'm not even sure how to tell when or if I'll ever be ready. Dave was... he was my everything. Even with Dave's urging I just can't move on yet. Every night I still hug his pillow, trying to find a hint of his smell. I spray a little of his Brut deodorant on the pillow case just to keep the illusion going. I speak to him every night as if he were there and cry when the reality of his passing overwhelms me."

"I'm sorry, Allie. I shouldn't have pushed. I just hope that, when you are ready, that you'll hit me upside the head and tell me."

She laughed a little, but then turned away in obvious distress. "I know you'll be moving out soon. I really think that you should keep yourself open to other women. I... I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Right now, it doesn't feel like it's even possible."

Her words hit me like a two-by-four between the eyes. I thought things were progressing, but now it was clear that she needed to pull back.

"Uh, are you sure? I've got to be honest--I really don't want to find someone else. If you think there's any chance somewhere down the road, I wanna wait."

Tears were trickling down her face. "It's not fair to you, Ted. I don't know how I'll feel in the months ahead. And...well, by us playing house and becoming as close as we are makes me put pressure on myself to commit when I'm just not ready. Can you understand?"

I fought not to respond with too much emotion. It was clear that I screwed up by pushing her.

"You know, Dave would put you over his knee if he was here right now."

She lightly chuckled. "Yeah, I know. But I can't force my heart to move forward faster than it wants to."

"I understand, Allie. Can we still do the stuff we're doing, like movie time, tennis and Friday nights? Oh, and you started golf lessons. Are you still willing to do that together?"

"I've been meaning to talk with you about that. There's a single senior ladies group at the golf course, and they've asked me to join them. I mean, you and I can certainly find some folks for a foursome once in a while, but I need to expand my social circle a bit. Do you mind?"

She was creating some separation between us. I couldn't hide the disappointment from showing on my face. "I think you should get with some new friends, so how could I mind? How about the other stuff we do together?"

"Oh, we have to keep them going. I can't give those up either. I especially like the close relationship I've been building with Kelsi during our Friday doubles. She's grown into an amazing woman."

"Yeah, in spite of my many failings."

"Ted, you look upset. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I get it that you have to go through a tough process, and I guess between Dave's thoughts and my presence that it makes it harder for you."

"Honestly, yes and no. I don't know what I would have done without you here, but I also am very aware of how you feel. I wish I was ready, but I'm not."

"We're good where we are, though, aren't we?"

"Yeah. Oh, except one little change if you don't mind. I love sitting with you and Kelsi in church, but I'm not really comfortable with Pam there. You and I see each other a lot, so I think I should sit with some other friends on Sundays. Is that okay?"

"Sure. It will be good to connect with other folks. I can't be selfish and monopolize you."

"I'm sorry about the Pam thing, but it feels strange sitting with the woman Dave cheated with."

"I'm sorry. I must be dense not to have thought of that."

It was clear that Allie needed some distance from me. I understood and hoped in the long run that it would be a good thing, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Maybe it was best for us both if I did some casual dating just to be sure I was ready. I realized I left Pam behind and immediately hitched my hopes on Allie. It would be good to confirm that my feelings for Allie weren't a combination of what Dave wanted me to do, and me just taking the easy path rather than exploring other possibilities.

Still, I couldn't avoid the funk resulting from our conversation. We both seemed a little tense after that, but the couch-time every evening still kept my hopes alive. That would have to do for now, but I was acutely aware that my moving would put a halt to that, too. That was a depressing thought, indeed.