Life Less Lived Ch. 09

Saturday evening, Christmas Eve

A squeal from the counter took the attention of them both, they turned as one to see the fat tea lady rush over to congratulate them. Romantic occasions such as this belonged to swanky restaurants under candlelight and the sound of violins, these moments were in short supply for dingy tea rooms next to a shabby commuter tube station, vibrating with the rumble of passing trains.

"Say 'yeah', swee'art, I kin tell 'e's loverly, an' you two makes such a perfick couple."

Oh, the thoughts running through Marina's head at that moment. It was as if time stood still at that instance. She was stunned, literally, she thought, as if she'd been tasered with 50,000 volts. Every nerve ending in her body was going off "pop!" If she had been standing instead of sitting, she knew she would have fallen flat on the ground, left twitching from the shock.

Of all the things that she had speculated that Daniel would says her, a proposal of marriage was the absolute last possible thing she would have anticipated.

'Never this,' she thought, 'never in her wildest...'

She had expected that he would deliver a short, sharp goodbye, to end the Good Samaritan goodwill gesture of the other night, when she was rescued by him from freezing in the snow. She had outstayed her welcome, she expected him to say, mostly due to the urging of a daughter who must, of course, be indulged at all costs. It must have been clear to her father that Sophie was troubled, but now she had her sister for the comfort that Ginny would bring to her in the next week. Marina's utility value had become a liability and Daniel was letting her go gently. That's what she expected. It was also what she wanted in part, knowing that being in such close company to the man she had always loved would tear her apart in torment if she stayed with him any longer.

But, could she accept this unexpected proposal?

No, of course not! How could she? No, she couldn't. Better to break it off, short and sharp, maximum pain to them both for the shortest possible time, like cutting off the end of a decaying limb, in order to save the rest of the body.

At the same time, in paradox, this was the proposal which outdid all of her wildest dreams, being asked to spend the rest of her life with the one man she knew she loved. Unexpected and out of the blue, only it was over thirty-three years too late. But no amount of time past could heal the chasm of hurt between them. A hurt that surely lay at his hands.

But then she had to consider that this was a man she believed had no inkling of what she felt inside about him. Surely he must realise that she knew of the affront to her. Perhaps he thought she would have no memories of the rape. Indeed, he would be right, she had none, and that would have remained the case, if only that single determined little sperm of his hadn't fertilised her virgin egg.

Did this proposal really mean, then, that he genuinely loved her? Did this mean that when he did what he did to her, that he didn't realise that she wasn't fully compos mentis?

But no, he must've known and not only was that much obvious, he had continued with his violation anyway until he had finished taking his full pleasure to completion with her unconscious virgin body. And he took no precautions, he was willing to risk impregnating her without the slightest regard of the consequences to the victim. Consequences that had effectively put her life on hold ever since.

No, it was completely impossible to agree "yes" to his marriage proposal.

How could she possibly accept such a man? How would such a promise be made, without him accepting that premeditated evil that he had committed, without him comprehensively understanding exactly what his planned drugging and raping had done to her?

How could she accept a vile man who deposited a child in her womb? Even if he was unaware that he had created an unborn child, who died so tragically within her, the act had in someway she hadn't understood, poisoned both mother and child so that she nearly died too? How could she reward such a man with a promise of her affection, someone whose actions had made her so ill that she couldn't even attend their poor child's funeral? How could she live with a man who had fathered a child that the mother had not even known where he was buried, left her abandoned with no place to go to empty out her grief, a grief now freshly brought to the surface by his outrageous offer? Her grief, a feeling she had borne ever since, never so strong as it was now, came winging its way to the surface caused by this heightened insistence that she becomes his wife.

How could she live with such a monster?

She might be in love with him, to the exclusion of all other men, but love was an irrational unconscious emotion that she could do nothing at all about. She was fully aware that you love who you love, accepting that you cannot help yourself. But, using rationale, knowing what she knew about how Daniel had treated her when she was vulnerable and at his mercy, she knew she couldn't possibly unite with him in any meaningful relationship.

The tears rolled down her cheeks, yet still she remained silent. How, what can she say?

The tea lady looked on stupidly, clueless to what was transpiring and why; to her it must appear so simple, just accept the proposal at its face value and live happily ever after, as man and wife, as equals under law and in the eyes of the Lord.

Daniel squeezed her hand. He was still hanging on in there, resting on his bended knee, anxiously awaiting her answer to his proposal.

'He's probably,' Marina thought, 'wondering why I haven't just fallen into his arms and accepted him. It is a good offer: a beautiful ring, a handsome man, a lovely house, a wonderful family. It is an offer to become part of something beautiful, but it is all built on foundations of the shifting sand of an abuser of young women.'

She suddenly felt tired and faint, and involuntarily sucked in a deep breath and sobbed at the utter futility of her life, a life lived less than her dreams had promised. Half a lifetime so far of service, and a future half destined to be alone and lonely.

Daniel leaned forward and took her into his enveloping arms to comfort the woman he had just sworn that he loved with all his heart and to protect her all her days.

"Poor lamb," the tea lady said, "she's so happy, she can't tell yer. Shall I fedgh yer bowf anovver cuppa, then, Hon?"

Daniel shook his head.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" Daniel asked her softly.

Her thoughts were in turmoil, each thought sparking new arguments but all were based on the impossibility of accepting such a proposal of marriage.

"I can't marry you, Daniel," sobbed Marina, as Daniel held her, rocking gently in her chair, "I can never marry you."

"Perhaps it is a little too soon, my love," Daniel said, "forgive my impatience, will you? I will give you as much time as you need to think about my proposal. It was wrong of me just to spring it on you like this. I just couldn't let you go without at least saying something, and I thought..."

"I don't need time to think about it. I know, and have always known, that I can never marry you, Daniel," Marina said, conscious that the tea lady was hovering, dropping her voice low so only he could hear, "and you know the reason why, don't you?"

"Why not, Marina? I thought that you ... but maybe I misinterpreted your signals, both then and now. Don't you love me at all? Could you not -?"

"Yes, of course I love you, I have always loved you, Daniel. I have fallen in love with you twice, back then in my innocence and again a couple of days ago even knowing what I know. I believe that I will always love you and never love anyone else as much as I love you. But you know why we could never be together. Do I have to point it out to you?"

Marina indicated the tea lady with a movement of her head.

"Would you mind if we could have some privacy?" Daniel asked the tea lady, softly.

"Sorry, love. Yeah, cos yer can. She's jus' 'avin' the ji'hers, it mus' be all a bit sudden-like fer the poor lamb. Jus' giv'us a shart if yer wants anyfink."

Daniel turned back to Marina, released her from his hug and held both her hands. He was still resting on one knee.

"Now, my love, I must admit to you that I do not understand what I have done to upset you, so you will have to tell me, I'm afraid. I'm just your average dumb bloke, not very good at reading unspoken signals. You will have to spell it out for me."

"So, Daniel," she sat up straight in the chair, trying to restore calm to her voice. "Do you remember the last time I spoke to you, those 33 years ago?"

"Yes, of course I do, like it only happened yesterday. We said goodbye, we had a good hug and then we parted. I thought our separation would be for just a term, a short University term until Christmas."

She looked at him, freed one of her hands from his light grasp and began dabbing at the drying tears on her cheeks with one of the rough serviettes from the dispenser on the table.

"And...?" She was still trying to calm herself, letting him speak while she breathed deep and even, trying to slow her heart back to normal.

"And, then I left the hotel. I didn't feel like going back to the party, my mind was in such turmoil. When I came back at Christmas, to work the holiday season, you weren't working in the snack bar any more. I asked Deirdre where you were, and she said that you had left about a week earlier because your family were moving away. I spoke to the -"

"No, I didn't mean then," Marina was quite calm now, her flow of tears ended, her strength and resolve returned. "What I meant is what did you do after you kissed me and said goodbye ... and handed me that spiked drink you were carrying?"

The bridge of silence she had maintained all these years was finally breached and it was actually a relief to start getting everything out in the open. All she needed now was for Daniel Medcalf to admit what a beast he was, or at least the beast he had once been to her.

"Yes, I did kiss you, I remember that, but it was only a little peck. But then you mentioned a spiked drink?"

Daniel looked intently into her eyes, which were dry now and staring back at him defiantly, silently.

"What do you remember, Marina, exactly, from what happened that night, immediately after I said goodbye to you?"

"Nothing, I remember absolutely nothing at all after saying goodbye to you and you walking away. But I know with certainty what happened to me, though. What I want is for you to admit what happened and why you did it. I never could come to terms with it. Surely, it wasn't something that you could forget? I could never forget."

Anger had started to creep into her voice, which she fought to keep under control.

"You must have realised that I was completely out of it. That I was unresponsive and didn't understand what was happening to me. How could you do that to me? How is it possible that you turned me from what I thought was your friend into your victim?!"

"Marina, you said a few moments ago that you loved me, despite everything you think of me, both then and now. Was that true, is it still true?"

"Yes, Daniel, I do love you, I have always loved you. I -" she faltered, her resolve crumbling, tears reforming in her eyes.

"And that you always will love me and will love no one else?"

"Yes, almost certainly," she breathed almost soundlessly, those tears held at bay threatening to return. "Why -?"

"Do you trust me now, my love, this very minute and for the next few minutes?" He held both her hands again.

"Yes, I trust you, but you have to accept that, now the cat is out of the bag, I could never live in any kind of relationship with the man who ruined me and left me alone. Especially now you know how I feel about it. Our ... our child, your son, Daniel Shaw, he ... died. He died even while I was carrying him, he was stillborn and I was so ill over whatever infected him that I almost died too."

She couldn't stop the tears flowing now, however hard she tried.

"Oh, Marina, I never knew. I never had a clue what happened to you. It explains so much. That's why you disappeared, and is the reason why I lost you. We both suffered by this but you had to suffer all of this pain on your own, all alone. So the baby died?" He was rubbing her hands, while she was still trying to hold back the tears, "and you called him Daniel because you thought I must've been the father?"

"Yes, baby Daniel died in my womb about two weeks before he was due. I don't know why, even now I don't understand what caused it. They told me what it was at the time but I didn't understand and once he had died, the reasons didn't really matter any more. I got blood poisoning and almost died. I was in hospital for several weeks I even missed his funeral."

He released one hand from hers and reached in his pocket for his phone. He used his thumb to scroll through his number directory. Daniel squeezed her other hand in support during her pain.

Marina continued talking, "I don't even know where little Daniel is buried. I was completely out of it and my Dad took care of everything. Just for once he pulled himself together and managed to organise a funeral that my brothers and sisters attended."

"Marina, I am calling someone I know who may be able to help you, help us, over this. I don't want to say anything, because this lovely lady Kathryn that I'm calling, can explain all this much better than I can. I am going to put this call on loud speaker and I would like you to talk to her when she is ready to listen to you, would you do that for me?"

"Kathryn, is it? Who is she?"

"She's a senior police officer, well she was, she's actually recently retired, but she still serves on some police and parole board committees that I used to attend until ... until recently."

The phone indicated that it was ringing at the other end of the line, and rang three or four times before it was picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Kath, it's Daniel Medcalf here. Sorry to call and disturb you on Christmas Eve, but can you spare a few moments to talk?"

"Of course, Daniel, I've missed our little chats. We received your Christmas card the other day. And thank you so much for your signed copy of your book, Penny's book. Both Alec and I read it and were very moved by it. We did send a donation off to the cancer unit, if that's what you are ringing about."

"Thank you for that, Kath, but I really wasn't trying to pressure you into giving a donation by sending you the book."

"I know, Daniel. How are you holding up, anyway?"

"Well, quite well actually, and in fact this last week has been very special for me and I believe that I am now well on the way to mending. But what I wanted to speak to you rather urgently about was ... our old friend Jimmy Johnson."

"I have been wondering when you'd call me for an update."

"No, it's not even that, actually. I really want you to speak to someone who is with me now, who may have an interest in the case. I think her circumstances could be of considerable interest to you, too."

"Yes of course, it sounds like you are already on a speaker phone and that she is with you. Who is she?"

"Her name is Miss Marina Shaw, an old and very dear friend of mine. I have just asked her to marry me but -"

"Oh, Daniel, I am so pleased. My congratulations to you both -"

"Thank you, Kath. But Marina has brought up an incident that occurred around the time I first knew her. What is interesting is that she worked at the Royal Standard Hotel in Emsworth during the spring and summer of 1988, when she was then only 16 and in one respect quite an innocent for her age."

"Oh my god! Hello, Miss Shaw, can you hear me alright and may I be permitted to ask you a few questions?"

"Ye-yes."

Marina's voice sounded unsure, a reflection that she was a little bewildered about what was going on. Was Daniel about to confess his assault on her in front of a police officer? No, that's not right, she was a retired police officer. So why did she want to ask me questions, shouldn't she be asking Daniel about what happened?

"Thank you for agreeing to speak to me, Miss Shaw. My name is Kathryn Stewart, I am a retired police officer, a detective, formerly a Chief Superintendent in the Hampshire Constabulary. I specialised in family crimes, including paedophiles. My particular case of interest, that I had worked on since the mid-1990s, was the pursuit and conviction of a particular perpetrator who turned out to be one Jimmy Johnson. Does this name mean anything to you, Miss Shaw?"

"No, I don't think so. Daniel mentioned the name only a moment ago and since then I have tried to think where I have heard the name before but it doesn't ring any bells."

"That's all right, it was a long time ago and while names easily fade from our memories, we are often still able to remember faces from quite a long way back. I have a photo of Mr Johnson from the early 1990s on my computer. I am going to send it though to this phone number now. ... Daniel?"

"Yes, Kath?"

"When you open this photo, will you please show it to Miss Shaw and then call me back? I will stand by the phone waiting for your call. Speak to you again shortly."

The phone went quiet. Daniel squeezed her hands and she shifted her gaze from the phone screen to Daniel's face.

"Are you all right?" Daniel asked.

"I think so, though I am not sure what is going on, to be honest. What is this case she was talking about and who is this man Johnson?"

"I'll let Kath explain to you after we look at the photo. She is a very experienced detective and she tracked down this tricky chap from DNA evidence and got him permanently locked away. I knew him once, briefly, from working at the hotel."

"Yes, I gathered that but -"

The phone chirped to indicate a file had been received.

"That must be Kath's photo," Daniel said, releasing one of her hands and picking up the mobile. A couple of clicks later and a photo of a young man with a pinched face and ginger hair appeared on the screen. Daniel held it up for her to see. "Do you recognise him? Take your time."

"I think I do, yes. He was a commie waiter in the main dining room. A thin, weedy, gangling boy, about my age I think, maybe a year older. He started the same time I started, just after Easter 1988. I don't remember his name. He didn't stay for very long, maybe six months. He was laid off about the time you left, we got far fewer visitors over the winter."

"No, he didn't stay long at your hotel. He didn't stay anywhere very long." Daniel's face was set grim. "Anything else that you remember about him?"

"Well, I remember him giving me the creeps. I only spoke to him a couple of times. I thought he was gay, actually. Well, we called them queer back then."

"At least you recognised him, so we all know who we are talking about. We'll call Kath back."

He pressed a couple of buttons on the phone again.

"Hi Kath. I'll let Marina tell you what little she knows about Johnson."

"Hello again, may I call you Marina? I'm Kath."

"Hello, Kath. Yes, of course call me Marina. I do remember Johnson, vaguely, although I didn't remember his name at all. He was a commie waiter, not a good one I think, he was too truculent. We started at the hotel the same week along with a couple of other people. We did a half-day introduction to the hotel on the first day; you know the sort of thing, how they show us where everything was, fire drill, etc. and how to fill out all the paperwork for our own sections. We all had to introduce ourselves around the table to break the ice. I believe I only spoke to him a couple of times during the six or so months he was there, as our paths rarely crossed. He was resident while I was a day worker, still living at home. He gave me the creeps actually. He used to sneer at everyone and, as I told Daniel, I thought at the time that he was gay. I certainly didn't see him as a threat to me personally. He just made me feel ... uncomfortable."