Lil Lennie 01

Lil Lennie 01

Hi, I'm Lil Lennie and I promise you that my story is not just another "look at me now" revenge story and that's because it's my "look at me now" story. I also promise all of you that I go to great lengths to not throw hissy fits, but if and when I do throw a hissy fit, that it's usually not my fault.

Anyways, my story starts with this guy, ugh, this guy William, who lingered on my revenge list since our days back in the hallways because he, with he meaning that guy, William, took a questionable elective course so he could graduate and then somehow, I ended up being on his, his implying that guy, William, being on his final exam as proof positive that he, he implicating that guy, William, that he completed the elective course.

I mean, that guy, William, right? He's the worst, with the worst implying that guy, William.

But I knew where to find that guy, William because that guy, William, worked at the Rickety Rail Tavern at the north end of the Middleton Strip, but before I get into that confrontation, which I won with that guy, William, let me set a couple of story and scene back stories.

For one, I mean, look at me now and for two, I can paint, like artistry paint and I don't even know why and for three, that guy, William, works at the century old two-story brown brick building that is called the Rickety Rail Tavern and they rent out the upper floor for retirement parties, anniversary's, baby showers and things like that because the upper floor is basically just a wide open and secluded area for groups to gather and eat and that's where that guy, William works.

But there is always a but, right?

And in this case, it's but the upper floor access is by a century old staircase, which is fine, except for if you've ever been to a baby shower, I mean, some of the gifts are sizeable and it can be unsafe for some of the baby shower guests to carry them up that many rickety old wooden steps and since I knew the tavern's floor manager, that guy William, that's when I threw a hissy fit to Mrs. Tanner to allow me to make arrangements for muscle on the side in terms of extra bar backs to carry her daughter's baby shower gifts up and down the wide and rickety stairs and that's what I did.

And it doesn't matter that Mrs. Tanner caved in and assigned that task to me to get rid of me quicker because what matters is that I had a great opportunity to let that guy, William, get a good look at me now while being up close and personal.

Oh, and one other back story is that his, his pointing squarely at that guy, William, his elective course was titled Wx5, but I'll let him, him being defines as that guy, William, explain that for himself a little later in my story. Just don't be surprised if he tells it wrong, like all wrong and don't be surprised if I have to chime in for truthful corrections.

[Just barely inside of the Rickety Rail Tavern front doors]

"Oh, there you are, William, I mean, did you think that I wouldn't find you, hmm? Or did you think that I didn't have the nerve to step inside of the club you manage, hmm, William?"

[That guy, William, seriously wishes he had locked the front doors of the Rickety Rail Tavern]

"(OMG) Lil Lennie, wait for it because everybody in town knows that I'm the floor manager here and by the way, you might be the only person to ever refer to this rickety old tavern as a club, especially since it's best known for the place where the Glass factory workers gather to unwind after a shift and by one last way, I'm not sure that stiff cotton factory uniforms qualify as clubwear, so?"

For the record, that was another win for me from that guy, William, because that was the most words in a row that he, he meaning that guy, William, ever said to me at one time.

"Oh, William, I waited for it and what I got for waiting was that you just checked me out and determined that not only did I finally fill out, I'm over dressed for your normal club, over dressed meaning way under dressed, but what I didn't get from waiting was a "hello" or a "you look nice" comment, so?"

"Well, keep waiting for it, Lil Lennie because to me, you'll always be the skinny kid that I used to whip smack on the backside with a wet towel, Lil Lennie, so?"

Backside? Seriously? That guy, William, just said backside? I mean, that guy William, took an elective class titled Wx5 (wet, wind, whip, whack, welt) to learn how to sting my booty with a towel like that and the best he can say two years later is "on my backside" then? I mean, in these modern times, they say "ass" on TV like all the time, am I right, folks? Backside, sheesh.

"Oh, I mean, William, I'm still waiting because some people in these modern times might have said it differently, like maybe a welt was wet towel whip smacked on my Boi booty on a weekly basis back in the day, so, I mean, just in keeping up with modern times and all, so?"

[Huh, that guy, William, is actually looking Lil Lennie in the eyes]

"(OMG) Lil Lennie, it's a good thing that you like to wait in line because wait for it, again, because you technically didn't have a Boi booty back then, the end, nail it shut with a hammer, turn the bolt tight with a wrench, seal the edge with wax, Ha-Zah!"

Well, technically, I mean, that guy, William the meathead, might have been technically correct, ahem, for once, I suppose, in theory and in practice, of course and I was too skinny to claim any shape, but, now, now that guy, William has a clap back? I mean, first that guy, William says "backside" and then he claps back with a legit technicality clap back? What the hell is this world coming too, hmm, folks?"

"I mean, William, that's still a win for me because the words "Boi booty" just rolled off your lips at the same time that we're gazing at each other directly in the eyes, so, listen, wait for it, William because my lips are only buzzling red today from my lip gloss and not your backhanded slap, so I still win! Also, I'm still waiting for you to say something nice about me, so?"

[That guy, William is so losing. And he actually checked out Lil Lennie]

"(OMFG!) Lil Lennie, fine, if it helps move this along, fine, your skinny body finally filled out and your appearance finally, um, grew up decently and you finally got everything that you waited for, so, can we swing way, way, way, way, way back to the original point, huh? Also, just what the hell is buzzling red anyways, huh?"

Well, I wasn't keeping score or anything, but that guy, William, just paid attention to what I was saying, so, it doesn't matter that I just made up buzzling red, which was another check mark in my win column.

"Oh, I mean, the original point of my visit to your club..."

"Ahem, tavern, a normal every day, century old tavern, Lil Lennie. I mean, wait for it, again and again because this place has that century old musty smell and our disco ball is two bad light bulbs that flicker in the restroom hallway, so?"

Oh, ahem, as far listening to me goes, darken the check mark in win column! And I had never been inside of a real club before, so, it was a club to me.

"Well, I already posted on Chang that I was visiting a club today and I can't take that back now, William, so that's that, but my original point, which I did not throw a hissy fit to be assigned with, is that..."

"Oh, I mean, I'm glad that you like waiting in line so much, Lil Lennie because I already know all about the hissy fit you threw with Mrs. Tanner to be the one who double checked that we would have extra bar backs on staff to help with the carrying of gifts up and down the rickety old steps, I mean, this tavern has been renting out the upper floor for parties like forever, so, we know a couple of things, okay? And if you're waiting to hear that Mrs. Tanner would have agreed to anything to get you out of her house because her marriage is important to her, I mean, I might give you that one. Also, you're not attending the baby shower, right, Lil Lennie?"

I mean, don't wait for my response to that because all I heard was that I might be a distraction.

"Hello? I have work to do here in the club, I mean, tavern, Lil Lennie, so, hello?"

"[Wiggles head a little bit] oh, um, no, I'm not attending the baby shower, but I'm not using the one-way plane ticket to Wyoming that Mrs. Tanner gifted to me either for my efforts to verify the club rules, but, um, I think that maybe we covered everything then, um, William, so?"

"Um, then what are you waiting for, Lil Lennie?"

"I mean, William, maybe I'm waiting for you to say that I could just "pop" into the club tomorrow to just make sure everything is going well and that's all, I promise, so?"

"Well, technically, bars, taverns and clubs are not hassled if "under 21's" are inside up to 8pm and since the baby shower is scheduled to end about 7pm, I mean, you could technically "pop" in, I suppose, but I'm warning you about wearing longer jeans since I already described our usual customers because after a shift in the Glass factory, I mean, they may be the ones who throw a hissy fit, so?"

Oh, oh, oh, wait for it, folks because all of that was another win! And I'm so close to turning 21 that it shouldn't matter anyways.

[The Jeans Shop on the Strip front door chime jingle, jangle]

"Oh, Lil Lennie, I thought you moved to Wyoming! What can I help you find, sweetie, hmm?"

"Oh, Gail, I was hanging out at the club yesterday and I had so much fun that I'm going back to the club this afternoon, I mean, tonight, yeah, technically tonight, so, um, I'm looking for a pair of those thick stretchy capri jeans, so?"

"Oh, well, let's start with which club that you're sneaking into this afternoon, Lil Lennie, I mean, are you sneaking into Hilda's Hideaway Strip Club or Kandi's Corner Nightclub or the Line Dance Club or maybe into the Lolli Pops aged appropriate dance club, hmm?"

"I mean, Gail I have a personal invite to hang out at the Rickety Rail Tavern club this afternoon, um, I mean, today, tonight, so, that club."

"Okay then, since that's where the glass factory workers go to unwind after a shift, sequins are out, sweetie, but my shop just doesn't carry stiff cotton factory work pants, so, um, look around for some Lycra blended long jeans over there and a top or something and good luck at that old rickety, tee he, club."

Well, I was in the market for form fitting new jeans anyways, so, I won that one too.

"[The dressing room door opens] ta, da!"

"[The frustrated sales clerk] um, try again' Lil Lennie, unless you like unwanted club sex."

[Ten minutes later]

"[The dressing room door opens] ta, da!"

"[The frustrated sales clerk] um, what part of "sequins are out" didn't you understand, try again."

[Ten minutes later]

"[The dressing room door opens] ta, da!"

"[The frustrated sales clerk] well, winner, winner, chicken dinner, those jeans drape you and form fit you nicely, Lil Lennie, so, ding, ding, ding, we have a clubwear winner."

[At the cash register]

"Gail, is washing hands together in the club's restroom sex? Like brushing teeth together, hmm?"

"[Ring, ding, ring, cash out] um, I don't think so, Lil Lennie, but I suppose one thing might lead to another thing, but seriously, you have to stop referring to the Rickety Rail Tavern as a club. But I will say that brushing teeth together really brought Randy and myself together, like big time, but brushing teeth together is strictly house or hotel stuff, so, stay away from that in the club, argh, I mean the tavern."

Well, I heard about brushing teeth together from another blog, so.

[Later, back at the Rickety Rail Tavern club, but after the baby shower people were knee deep into it on the upper floor. But is sounded nice since there was so much giggling and stuff]

"Oh, I'm Jack and I work at the glass factory, so, can I buy you a..."

"Thanks, but no thanks, Jack. I'm not one of those bar flies who go to the club to drink, so?"

"LOL, did you just call this dive a club then, LOL, huh?"

I already said somewhere above that I have no clubbing experience, so.

"Gill? Is that you, Gill? And why are you wearing a club logo t-shirt, hmm, Gill?"

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my hay ride date, Lenny, Lil Lennie, who doesn't understand what slipping off of the hayride and checking out the scarecrow in the field means!"

Well, I didn't. I mean, I did later and all, but I didn't know it that night. I wasn't his hayride date. Was I?

"Oh, I thought we made up for that with a cheek air kiss goodnight then, Gill, so?"

Yeah, we can just gloss over Gill's response to that, so, um, tee he, don't wait for it.

"Anyways, Gill, thanks for that remembrance and be sure to wash your mouth with soap later, but circling back to why you're wearing a club logo t-shirt then, hmm? And I'm accepting compliments on my appearance tonight, um, this evening, um, this afternoon, so?"

"Tee he, you called this musty old tavern dive a club, Lil Lennie, tee he, but I'm on staff as a bar back to help with the larger gifts and the drunk people because other than the pregnant lady, baby showers seem to be exactly the same as wine and games parties, tee he."

Well, judging from all the giggles that I could hear coming from the upper floor, I mean, that sounded legit, so.

"Anyways, Lil Lennie, the reason I'm still mad at you is because and wait for it because there was a rumor that you went back to field where the scarecrow hangs the next night and went down on the..."

Oops! I mean, don't wait for that false rumor, folks! But maybe I can understand why guys like blow jobs so much since all they have to do is stand there with the arms out while going all "argh, aha, aha, ugh, ooh, don't cut your tongue on a strand of straw hay, argh, ahh" and stuff, so.

"Gill, shut it because if you're waiting to hear if that actually happened."

I mean, stopping in exactly mid-sentence is code for change the subject quick, right?

"Well, I just feel cheated, Lil Lennie, that's all, especially now since you've filled out even more in the backyard because sometimes the scarecrow falls off of the hanging post and falls a certain way and..."

"OMFG, Gill, you want to bang me scarecrow style, hmm? We lip smacked once!"

LOL, wait for it.

"Duh."

I mean, that guy, Gill, has a lot of nerve, am I right, folks? And I already passed over my investigation in the field the next evening, so, as I already said, don't wait for any more details about that rumor.

[Oh, that guy, William the club manager spies that side flirting and is either jealous or just being a good club manager]

"Gill, you're on the job! You can reminisce about the good ole days in hay field on your own time. And wash your hands after carrying that one large box because I saw them pushing it across the parking lot when they arrived."

Hah, the good ole days in the hay field, my hah! But I'd do it again, especially since I figured a couple of things out, which rumor has it that I figured out the next day in a scarecrow girlfriend experience type of thing, but that's just a silly rumor, so, um, moving on then.

"I mean, hey, um, me and some of my glass factory co-workers wanted to know if, um, if you needed or wanted a cocktail or something, so, I mean, what do you say, huh?"

"Oh, maybe later because right now, um, um, I mean, OMG, right now my hands need a rinse, mister and that's more important! But your factory pants are cleaner than I expected, so, um, OMFG, I have to go now!"

I mean, listen, folks, maybe I went on a after dark picnic with Stuffed Steven, but listen, what's really important here is if everybody on the planet knows that it's a baby stroller in the big gift box, why not just poke the roller wheels through the bottom of the box so bar backs like that guy Gill, don't have to get his hands all pebbly from where someone pushed it across the parking lot, hmm?

[Slowly pushing an occupied Men's room door for the first time is absolutely nerve wrecking]

"Gill?

[Wash, scrub, wash, rinse, scrub, wash]

LOL, ear pod buds, right?

[Hip bump with a lately filled out hip]

"LOL, I'm sorry if I startled you, Gill, so?"

[Whip ear buds off, wash, hip bump back, wash, hip bump back, back, rinse, rinse, dry, dry, dry]

"I mean, Lil Lennie, I might be too much a nerd to make this sound good, but I'm almost demanding a second chance at the scarecrow girlfriend experience, so?"

[LOL, somebody's eyes went wide with excitement when "scarecrow girlfriend experience" rolled out]

"(Gulp) how many minutes do I have to get out of this Men's room before the glass factory rats start lining up on me, Gill, hmm?"

Oh, I know how things work when a transitional Boi steps into a Men's room, especially when the Men's room is inside of a club.

"Less than one minute, I suppose, so, make it happen, Lil Lennie, make it so I get the scarecrow girlfriend experience soon!"

I mean, there could be worse experiences, am I right, folks? And so, what if maybe I liked the sound of the scarecrow girlfriend experience anyways, hmm? It's not like I buried my head in my phone as I made my way past the long line up of factory rats who thought they were going to get the club sex experience, so.

[Ping (pause) Lil Lennie (pause) has a new post on (pause) Chang: Hah, guys at the club who want the scarecrow girlfriend experience, hah!]

"Bartender Samantha, I think I'm done with at the club and need to be on my way, so, what do I owe you for my tab since I spent so much time here in the club, hmm, bartender Samantha?"

[Ping, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, the scarecrow girlfriend experience is now officially trending on Chang, like, like, like, like, like and so on]

"Oh, Lil Lennie, since your club cocktail was just a Cuba Libre minus the rum, but plus two extra lime wedges, I mean, a $50 should do it, so?"

Well, afternoon drinking in the club has always been expensive, so?

"And by the way, Lil Lennie, even though nobody else ever would refer to the Rickety Rail Tavern as a club, I like tippers like you, so, you can come back, tee he, to the club anytime, sweetie. Also, since you placed your phone down, everyone else's phone started blowing up with trending notifications, so, um, you might want to high tail it out of here before the scarecrow girlfriend experience becomes exactly the same as a, um, well, Lil Lennie, maybe you should leave quick!"

[Hay Ride Girlfriend! Hay Ride Girlfriend! Hay Ride Girlfriend!]

Well, guys who have a few drinks after a shift chant stuff all the time, so.

"Oh, but before you leave the club, Lil Lennie, I mean, our other bar back, Jacob, you know, the only other male employee left in the Rickety Rail Tavern club that you haven't mixed it up with yet, I mean, I texted him to draw his attention to our trending post about being the queer queen of the scarecrow girlfriend experience and he texted me back going all "waah, waah, waah" and stuff because he claims rightful ownership of said scarecrow girlfriend experience, so, there seems to be a history there too anyways, so?"

"Excuse me, Samantha? I do not have a history with that guy, Jacob Jacobson! Well, it was his family's farm hay ride that I was on when things got out of control with that guy, Gill and all and maybe I asked for Jacob's assistance the next day to figure out what field Stuffed Steven was hanging in and I may have thrown a hissy fit when he insisted on personally showing me and all and I may have wasted that hissy fit since all I had was a small flashlight with me, but that's almost all that happened!"

Huh, all that pretty much adds up to a small chapter of history then, I guess.

"Hm-mm. A field, a flashlight, a full moon, a real scarecrow and your English class crush, hm-mm!"

Oh, I mean, most certainly I mentioned somewhere above that my scarecrow girlfriend experience was only half of a rumor and I most certainly must have mentioned already that I'm a tad bit experienced, especially in the corn field, right? Tee he.