Lil XTC 01

I guess I'm supposed to take a moment to introduce myself to all of you. I'm Lil XTC and the program that I've been on for a while now makes me feel like I'm on ecstasy so much that I've considered changing my name to Molly. But my friend, Molli, would kill me, so, hey there, I'm Lil XTC and I swear, most of my words make sense (in my head anyways).

And just to clear the air about the line on my left cheek, it's the scar remains from an old ATV accident long ago and that's how it healed so far over the last five years or so. It's not my trademark or is it my poor makeup skills. I have a short line on my face and since it's mine for life, I don't even try to hide it or cover it up with extra concealer and that's that. I mean, tee he, it's my trademark, right?

So, going through school was a little rough, but I participated in as many events as I could, you know, off the side on the left, but I survived.

Oh, and I survived what was once thought to be an uncurable disease during my early days. I had the cooties back in my days of school, but at least I had my own private lunch table. Which was always the cleanest table, by the way.

And then, huh, once everyone started turning 18 and graduated, huh, my rare variation of the cooties seemed to be cured, right? All without a treatment program! But the attention has always been nice.

Anyways, I'm 21 now and since I was released from the cooties ward, I have my own unique makeup schemes, I have my fashion statements and I have my trademark cheek scar and I'm still mostly off to side, but much closer to the center of the action and for now, my darker hair is of a retro "scene" style, which is dated, for sure, but I like how it frames my face.

And I like to tinker with stuff and although most of you guys might be faster than me, I think you'll be impressed with how I can tinker with the best of them, which is not a challenge, but I do have a pair of tinkering bib shorts that you might appreciate since they really make my booty look nice.

And, and, and, I'm not challenging any of you to hit the red "X" up in the corner because this could half ruin the excitement of my story, but I'm a little bitter right now with some guys. I'm not bitter, bitter, bitter and I'm only looking for mild revenge, but a few months ago, I was pranked while taking a day long motorcycle ride and that prank could have ended so badly for me. I mean, watch your local news, right? People get snatched up all the time and look at me! Who am I going to fight off, right? So, I'm bitter that three butt wads left me! They left me. They prank left me two hours from home!

Now, I'm not bitter, bitter, bitter because I had my own motorcycle, so I wasn't stranded, but they left me! Possibly to be sold off to the highest bidder!

But I'm not talking about any of you since I know you weren't there because, oh, I took names! And I put those names on a "going to get my mild version of revenge" list, not that revenge is all I want or anything. Which I understand may not give you much reason to read on any further, but if you give me a minute to chill out after my ranting and raving episode, I mean, I like some stuff and I have a couple of skills, so, don't hit the "X" up in the corner just yet.

Anyways, and this is not in a ranting and raving voice, I mean, those stupid mother fucking assholes left me!

[Inhales] anyways, whew, and not in an elevated ranting and raving voice, my revenge would best be served cold with a cold hunting knife and a crap shoot of can a blade be thrown at a shoe and actually perfectly slice between any two toes without causing any injuries! Not that I would ever try that, even though my kitchen skills are better than my facial makeup skills [exhales].

[Inhales] and ha, ha, I see your comments on my Ninja selfie on my Chang homepage and nope, none of you are on my list, so, steel toed boots will not be required for our first date at the Twirled Whippy Swirl Shop!

[Exhales] but fortunately, I'm not a violet person and I don't own Ninja throwing stars or a hunting knife, so my revenge, although still in progress, came from a different direction altogether. And, and, and, tee he, who knows better about legit revenge than an actual girl, right, tee he?

[Disclaimer in a calm voice] no guys were actually harmed at any time, as long as harm is not defined as teasing the hell out of them and making them whimper, quiver, cry, weep, wallow, beg, fast talk, waste their time fast talking, apologize, make amends, Ernie had better apologize, et cetera, et cetera, screw off because you left me!

Anyways [inhales], I had to make a couple of trades with Evie Maye to enact my mild revenge, but if you weren't paying attention, they left me! And you just can't do that to someone who was born as a guy and then transitioned over to the other team. I mean, the possibility of being snatched and sold to the highest bidder is on page two of the playbook for Pete's sakes! And I don't know why Peter needs five toes anyways, tee he, but, um, well, I've replaced all of the wooden cutting boards in my kitchen, so, forget about looking around to see if they are filled with little stab holes from practice throws.

[Exhales] anyways, I'm way above crazy and wild revenge, but Evie Maye's idea sounded reasonable, safe and a way to get my mild payback, ahem, mentally and verbally only, mind you and then move on with my life.

Also, they left me! I mean, growl at me because I think that twerking and booty bumping are exactly the same thing and scold me for leaning against you behind the Twirled Whippy Swirl Shop in the alley without dipping my head down so quickly and give it to me good for complaining that our dates have to all be in secret and all that blah, blah, blah stuff, but don't leave me alone to be kidnapped, sheesh.

[Exhales] anyways, they say that revenge is a dish best served cold, so to prove that I'm above all that, I took Evie Maye's advice and served it up hot. Well, it was mostly served up hot, but there were a few cold dishes too.

[A fairly light and breezy semi strutting down the Strip, which was interrupted]

"Lil XTC, Lil XTC, I mean, I mean, how are you going just breeze right past me when I've heard you're hosting a wild and crazy food fest mixer labelled as "Beef Tips & Nips" when you know that I'm a guy and I'm hungry all the time, so, speak up, Lil XTC. And you look very nice tonight."

[A fairly quick arm hook stoppage from all that breezy strutting down the Middleton Strip]

"Oh, Buster, I mean, you probably heard it all wrong anyways since I've already heard that my food fest mixer tomorrow night has been referred to as the "Nightie's & Nachos" party by the Scuffed Shoes crew and it doesn't matter because neither of those trending theme titles are true anyways, not at all, so?"

"Oh, Lil XTC, I mean, maybe I have a thing for that geeky Tara, so, I mean, is there any chance that it might be tagged as "Titties & Tacos" just for my Blue Denim crew, huh? And I promise that nowhere in my head is it swirling around that it could be tagged as "Tara's Titties & Tacos" because I respect Tara and I think she is all that, under all that and then under all that some more for her second layer and then finally, all that under her third layer, so, um, well?"

"Well..."

"I'll spicy fry and brown the ground beef for the tacos and nachos myself, Lil XTC and melt the gooey cheese, so?"

"Well..."

"And help clean up afterwards, Lil XTC, you know, with Tara's help, so?"

"Well..."

"And I wasn't on that motorcycle ride a few months and I'm one of the few who actually believes that it was wrong and that they should have taken a head count and, and, and, for and invite, I mean, I'll make absolutely certain that Ernie knows what he's missing out on, so?????"

Well, the guy should have just started with that! That's the theme of my revenge!

"Aww, come on, Lil XTC, you can't host a geeky girl breakout party called "Lingerie, Legs & Lentil Soup" and not have a couple of guys around, I mean, that's just not right. And, and, and, I'll snap off a couple of photos of you and anonymously post them as the host of the "Hot Dog My Buns" party, which, I'm only guessing is something you might want Ernie to know that he's missing out on since, tee he, since your blog character, Bernie, has that position down pat! Complete with your return panting! Which is hot, aha, aha, aha! Well, wait, I'm guessing at that, tee eh, am I still talking, tee he?"

Oh, Buster was still talking alright! And he was talking himself right out of an invite to the geeky gal's breakout party that is officially titled "Gal Geeks, Gams & Games" as opposed to the popular slang and trending name of the "Tenderize My Meat" party as the Black Boots crew has labelled it on Chang. Who are actually invited, well, who will be invited soon, but only for crowd control purposes since they are Evie Maye's crew.

And I have no such sex blog or fictional character named Bernie who makes me whimper smash face down, the end.

"And, and, and, again, Lil XTC, tee he, since I really do have a thing for that geeky Tara, I mean, tee he, we don't have to mention to literally anyone about how easily "Tara's Titties & Tacos" rolled off of my tongue, right, so, um, am I still talking?"

Anyways, while Buster is busy trying to untie his tongue, let me take a moment to lay out for you my soft revenge plan, as laid out for me by my goth queen friend, Evie Maye. Step one, offer my house and hosting skills (tee he, not) to the geek squad for an evening of freedom, food and their choice. Step two, spread that around without invites to a few guys who deserve to think about that while their bodies and lips quiver because what guy doesn't want to attend a highly trending Ladies Choice party that has been tagged as "You Wish, Wishbone" wings party is just one front door away, hmm?

[Second disclaimer] even though no guys were physically harmed during my revenge scheme, although a couple of them deserve it, you know, for leaving me, there is little to no worry about myself prancing around in skimpy lingerie during the "Butter My Texas Toast" party. And if Ernie cannot appreciate the way my bib shorts fit me, then all I can say is that, shoot, I should have thanked Buster above for the nice glow up that he paid me for my appearance, so, that's on me.

[Tap, tap, tap, tap, text, text, text, tap, tap, tap, text, text, text]

There, I thanked Buster. I also warned him about dropping the "Tara's Titties & Tacos" party theme from his vocabulary! And I texted Tara and advised her that Buster has a thing for her and that a nice Bustier might be a compliment to their hooking up talk. And does that pre hooking up chit chat have an official name or phrase?

[Weep, incoming response from Tara]

"Eek! I have a party B/F??? Also, guys still like titties, right? And tacos?"

Well, duh. Even me. Which, tee he, had nothing to do with my suggestions that all food sampling party outfits should be as sheer as they've ever own and wore. Tee he.

[Continues the breezing down the Strip since Lil XTC's revenge plan still has a sneak attack planned. Oh, a harmless sneak attack because no guys were physically harmed at any time]

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Lil XTC, the one who is full of it up to here! Who happens to look nice tonight, but still, hah! There is no way you're hosting a geeky gal "Breakout & Break My Eggs" party tomorrow night, is there, Lil XTC, huh?"

"Oh, hah, back at you Dexter! Well, wait, thank you for saying something nice about my appearance tonight, but after that, hah, back at you, Dexter! Also, you have the chest to unbutton one more button on your shirt, but after that, hah, your buddy Peter left me and he's on my list!"

[Thrusts a wrinkled piece of paper into Dexter's face with three names on it and three stick figures and huh, a fourth stick figure with a retro "scene" hair style and a pitchfork! Which looks like something a court of law would consider evidence!]

"[Unbuttons one more button.] Yikes! It's no wonder why the Steel Toe Boot Shop is having a sale at the same time the Twirled Whippy Swirl Shop is having a sale! [Shakes head] anyways, here's how this works, Lil XTC! No self-respecting crew guy or gal, for that matter, from the Strip would dare step foot in your house anyways, Lil XTC! But I'd be happy to trade a quick, a very quick lip smack, a quick, quick, quick lip smack on your dark rear porch for a plate of food to, you know, to go in a brown bag because I'm always hungry, so? And I cannot be held responsible for the prank the guys pulled on you. I mean, you made it home, didn't you?"

Oh, oh, that's not what my revenge list said! The back was full of red lines and arrowheads and other names too because even friends and acquaintances count! But I burned it because, tee he, it did look bad that I had such a detailed hit list in my possession.

"I mean, you're not breezing away from me, Lil XTC, so, I'm winning, right?"

Oh, oh, I had a plan for confrontations like that! And it was in my phone and not on the piece of paper of evidence that I just allegedly burned right there on the sidewalk of the Strip.

[Tap, tap, tap, send in the first wave of the sneaky attack force, tap, tap, text sent]

And I think somewhere above I mentioned that Evie Maye is not one of the geeky girls who wanted a breakout party, right? But she is one of the top goth girls on the Strip and so, what if I had to trade a couple of things with her in exchange for her help in boasting about and pumping up my food sampler "Butter My Buns" party anyways! Well, the girl's buns. I'm just providing the host house and all of the sampler foods.

Well, I'm going lay smash face down for Ernie one of these days anyways, so, if melted butter helps with a good smash face down hot dog bun splitting session, then sobeit. But baby oil, right? And you can take your time with your responses and lube suggestions because laying down for and with Ernie is way, way down the road. Assuming I get five years of prison time for buying extra guy's shoes to practice throwing knives at where the split of toes might be. Not that I would do that.

[Thump, clump, va-va-voom, va-va-voom, thump, clump, va-va-voom, va-va-voom, storm strutting from the direction of the Red Bag Shop just down the Strip. The Red Bag store account usage being one of trade ups spoken of earlier.]

"Evie, Evie, what the hell, Evie? Also, well then, hey there, hey, Evie, what's up? Also, also, is that Twirled Whipped Swirly that you're carrying for me then, huh? Your date for tonight, hmm? Also, also, also, um, I thought I told you to beat it, Lil XTC and beating it is not the same as propping up a building with your booty! Anyways, also, also, also, also, whew, hey there, hey, Evie!"

Dexter never told me to get along or beat it. He was too tied up with the secret, yet harmless sneak attack plan and with his twisted and tied up tongue.

[Hands off the Twirled Whipped Swirly to Lil XTC, [slurp, slurp] who was never told to get along]

"Shut it, Dexter! But go on, if you can reel it in a little bit, so?"

"I mean, I mean, is saying "OMFG, Evie, you got boobs!" considered as reeling it in? I mean, I mean, did you just get boobs at like 3pm yesterday because I just saw you a few days ago, huh? And don't even tell me what happened because all that matters is all this! Tee he, hey there, hey, Evie."

"Tee he, you won't catch many fish with reeling it in like that, Dexter, but here's what happened. I took a dare from Lil XTC and then I lost that dare and then Lil XTC took a responding dare from me and then Lil XTC lost that dare to me and then Lil XTC went crazy and double dared, twice from the blind side and back around to the front with a switchback and dared me to wear this outfit tonight on the Strip tonight in exchange for something that I really needed and to give you grunt boys a preview of what will surely become the infamous "Boobs & Bacon Bites" party of the year! Also, hmm, I guess you're a man now, Dexter, so, grunt man then, okay? Anyways, ta da, here I am! Fresh from the Red Bag Shop! And I've always had these boobs, but since I went goth way back in preschool, I mean, they haven't been seen by many, but they've always been there, so."

"Wait, Lil XTC picked out your, um, babydoll teddy bustier corset sheer black thingamabob top thingy with a matching set of sexy night stuff black leather skirt, um, with some of this and with some of that and accented with some other stuff outfit then? Also, hey there, hey, Evie!"

"Dexter, you're funny! But that's pretty close, tee he, for a grunt man, although, you seemed to have glossed over the dark, yet sheer laced top stockings, so?"

"Aha, aha, aha."

"Thigh high stockings, Dexter."

"Aha, aha, aha."

"With a garter belt, Dexter."

"Bah, bah, bah and, and, and heels, Evie! Wait, where is your blade and, and, and, hey there, hey, Evie!"

[Gently and slowly lifts the little black leather mini and, wait, there's no blade! Just more leg! Aha, aha, aha]

"Evie, I'm still back to what the hell? And I'm still wondering where you were yesterday at 3pm! And, and, and, I'm still wondering who you and what did you do with Evie?"

"Oh, Dexter, so, what if I stepped out of the world of baggy goth clothing for a while, hmm? I mean, it's just one break out party and so what if somewhere along the lines tomorrow night, things become more like a "Tongs, Thongs & Bongs" situation type party, hmm?"

"[Gulp]"

"Also, you're not group texting yet to announce our "Chicken Breasts & Chests" party yet to, you know, all those poor and pitiful men from the Strip crews who won't get an invite, so?"

[Aha, aha, aha, tap, tap, tap, it's all true, sprinkles in cleavage wrinkles, tap, tap, tap, group text sent]

"Oh, well then, Dexter, as the designated consultant for Lil XTC's party tomorrow night, I'm stealing that and you can be the one who first adds sprinkles deep, deep, deep into the wrinkles of my cleavage then, so?"

Well, Dexter passed out. And I even got a little woozy. Also, I passed out too. Also, also, Dexter was the one got a little woozy and I was the one who passed out.

[Screech, squeal, vroom, sideways, screech, squeal, double and triple park on the Strip]

[Feet shuffling, jogging, trotting from both directions of the Strip]

[And the crowd gathers in a circle]

[Oh, and Ernie is in the mix too]

"(Psst, what the hell is going on here, Lil XTC?"

"(Psst, screw off, Ernie! You were 1/3rd of my leavers!"

"(Psst, Lil XTC, I don't think "leavers" is a legit word, but your booty bumping is totally legit tonight."

[Booty bump, bump, not a twerk, but bumping]

"(Psst, Lil XTC, I'm personally invited to the "Mac Daddy & Cheese" party tomorrow night, right? I mean, I'm your dream to make you cry from great sex, right?)"

[Mutual humping and bumping in the shadows of the alley access walkway]

"(Psst, hah, you have no green light, Ernie! Now, shush because Evie Maye is just explaining to everyone why her goth upper breast globes are so creamy white from the lack of sunlight, so, shush. Also, keep it to a yellow light back there while we stand off in the shadows. You're still on list! When I rewrite it since I just burned the original list, so, shush.)"

Well, Ernie was a geometry major back in the day and he knew pretty good how work the angles and circular motions and I already said that I'm not a total waste of time. I did say that, right? I mean, I like some stuff and I know where most stuff goes, so.

[The Popcorn Shop front door chime jingle, jangles as it flings open]

"Popcorn, get your popcorn here, losers! Popcorn, popcorn, this is too good to pass up, so, line it up losers and get your popcorn here because none you losers are going to get the chance to pop off your popcorn popper at what will surely become known as the "Grind My Geeky Grits" party tomorrow night and be sure to vote on Chang for my popcorn kiosk on Lil XTC's front porch because I have a habit of forgetting to wear undies outside of my work! Also, I'll bronze up Evie Maye's breasts globes a little bit, I mean, just enough to highlight the sprinkles in those, aha, aha, aha, sexy cleavage wrinkles, so?"