All Comments on 'Liliane'

STILL KRAP..................

But I would rather have the story more detailed - both sex-wise and in details about their feelings during sex.

Maybe in the next chapter?

Your story is not bad. It lacks development of the characters. Yes, we know what they did for money but other than that this a quick stroke story. I think you meant it as more than that. You had the girl finding her true love-evidence from other than the sex--the music-- but, you really did not expand on it. The real problem was that you began in high gear sex and never really slowed down. Porn flick to elevator to house to love. That kind of progression takes more time to tell. Details were lacking in what was the guy thinking that he would follow such a girl home? His acceptance of her choice of careers was a bit to nonchalant. Keep writing and ignore the ANON who cannot spell "crap"!! TEEHEE!! ;)

have to agree with dormdad the story could have been really good but it was too short to be a romance with the way it started out, porn shoot>screw in elevator>go home>in love??? sorry but i think it needed to be longer

The story has good character development, but the story itself went too fast. This could be a very nice multi-part story with Lillian finding true love with someone who likes her for the beauty within and not just for the features that have drawn the losers to her all her young life.

A reminder of some lyrics from a reggae tune! This story is full of them, and the optimism is delightful to witness.

But the telling of it felt stilted. I'm going to assume you're maybe English? While I don't usually care about spelling mistakes, your sentence structure and word choice made this a little difficult to read. I found myself having to read passages twice to really understand what you were trying to communicate. An interesting storyline but maybe better editing next time? Keep on writing. Thanks for the effort.

One if the best stories ever!

And in 9 months Lillian will have her first child with her loving husband, Jim... WONDERFUL STORY, please write another chapter

WONDERFUL STORY! Now she's going to be a wife and hopefully have a new name...MOMMY!

A bit hard to read, given the sentence structure but what a great romance.

Thank you

Scores 5/5

If you want to be a decent author or you are doing this just for yourself, then keep as you are. The biggest issue with your writing is the garbled way you put your sentences together, as well as not putting Brit slang in your writing, which, by the way, doesn't help you in the least. The last issue is the actual quoted parts where they speak. They felt so wrong that it made my brain hurt. My opinion is to read actual British romance stories that are highly rated and try to model your sentence structure after them, and last but not least, when you are writing in actual speech, say out loud what you intend to write to help let you know if it sounds wrong.