Lily's Playlist Pt. 10

While I knew I was just a rebound, hearing that was all I was to him hurt. So I drank and decided to be like Sammy: Fun loving and free-spirited. It worked: His friends loved me and I was too drunk off my ass to drive or care about anything besides not getting sick in Ethan's truck.

"I think Rocky would have to drink 3 of them before she would ever consider hooking up with your brother. You should tell him that." I rambled, as he helped me climbed in his truck. Brandon laid on the charm thick for Rocky. The way he was walking her to her car showed he was still trying. Rocky, as usual, paid him no attention.

"I won't. I'm sure the reason he's trying so hard is because he sees her as a challenge." Ethan answered, closing my door before walking around to get in the car.

"Well, it's never going to happen. Rocky has strict requirements. He's not her type." I commented when he got in.

"What's your type?" He asked, starting up the car.

"You know me. My type is fun." I said, channeling Sammy's carefree attitude.

When he didn't respond, I continued.

"Rocky only dates guys like you. Stable. Successful career. House. Car. And fucking gorgeous. She would totally overlook the fact that you have a kid." When his eyebrows furrowed, I quickly added, "You know what I mean. EJ is incredible and you're an incredible dad. She's just not cool with baby momma drama."

"I understand. I'm not cool with it myself." He smirked, driving towards my house.

I snorted. "Megan is an idiot. You're amazing, you know that? And I love my brother. He's amazing in his own way. But you are... on another level. I couldn't pick him over you."

"I would hope not. I mean, he is your brother..." Ethan commented.

I giggled. "Not biologically." When he shot me a distributed look, I cracked up laughing. "Just kidding. I mean, I am adopted, but I don't have any weird porno feelings or anything like that towards him." I sighed. "You're just.... amazing and perfect. Amazingly perfect."

"I'm far from perfect, but I appreciate it." Ethan smiled as he pulled up to my house. He helped me out and walked me to the door. I fumbled with a key for a moment before I finally had it unlocked. When he didn't make a move to follow me inside, I gave him a look.

"Are you coming in?" I asked him.

"Not tonight." He said.

His rejection sobered me up. Of course not. My stupid mouth. I probably sounded like some love sick school girl. What his friends said is stuck in my mind. Have fun being single...

"Do you have plans?" I asked, cooly.

He shook his head.

"So why don't you wanna come in? I promise, that was not a declaration of love. Just like. But not like like you like you. You're just fun-"

"Lily, I know." Ethan cut me off, sharply. "You've had a lot to drink-" He started to explain.

"Oh, I'm not that drunk! No means no. And I'm not saying no." I pouted.

"My dad raised us that yes means yes. You're in no state of mind to consent."

"Ohmygosh. You sound like a cop. Do you wanna give me a sobriety test?"

"Sure. Spell sobriety."

I exaggerate, tapping my chin, pretending like I need to think about it. "That's not fair. Maybe I couldn't spell it before."

He smirked at me.

"But really, come in. We can hang out until you deem me fit to consent. I'll even let you control the remote..."

He nodded. "Alright."

He came in and I got us a couple bottles of waters. I was regretting giving him the remote when he had it on the history channel, but we didn't even watch it. We talked instead- or I talked a lot and he listened and answered all my questions. We talked about our families, how we met our friends, my graduate school program and his job at an architect firm in Dallas. It was nice getting to know him better, but I couldn't help getting drowsy. After my third yawn, he smiled. "Go to sleep."

"Are you going to stay?" I replied, laying my head down against my pillow.

"Yes."

"Good. We'll discuss consenting in the morning." I murmured, shutting my eyes.

The next thing I knew, I was awakened to Ethan kissing and rubbing all over my body.

"So you're ok with taking advantage of a sleeping person, but not a drunk person?" I asked, my voice husky to my own ears.

"I said yes means yes. You were calling out for me." Ethan responded, returning to my face to kiss my lips.

I gasped. "I was not." I said between kisses.

"You did. Do you dream about me baby?"

"No..." I lied.

"I dream about you." He admitted. He then pulled me on top of him so I was straddling him. "I dream about this. All the time. Do you consent?"

I nodded, nervous as hell. I had never been on top of him before and I was still uncomfortable about my body being on display. When we were undressed and he finally slid inside of me, I forget all about my insecurities and move my hips so it feels good to me. By his groans, I could tell he was enjoying it too. I rubbed my clitoris and he played with my tits as I rode him. When I discovered a move where he hit my spot inside me, I kept it up, moaning softly until I came. When the spasms stop, I opened my eyes and look at him. I had no reason to be concerned about what he thought of my body because his eyes are glued to my face. I blushed, thinking about how he saw my cum face. I was worried mine looked creepy.

We locked eyes for an intense moment, before he flipped me over. He buried his head into my neck as he re-entered me, feeling harder than before. He pumped into me, grinding his pelvis into mine, making me cry out as he came too. Afterwards, we both passed out. We slept late into the morning and he offered to take me to get my car from Razzoo's once we were up. As we walked out to his truck, he put his arm around my shoulder and kissed me on my temple. He was never affectionate, outside of the bedroom, but I loved it. I turned to him, holding his face in my hands and give him a long, hungry kiss with lots of tongue. He groaned and palmed my ass, squeezing me closer to him.

"Later baby. Let's go get your car." He breathed.

"Ok." I panted, pulling away with a smile. When I looked up towards his truck, I tripped over my own feet.

"Still need that sobriety test?" He laughed at me.

I couldn't even laugh at his joke. My eyes were focused on the Honda Civic parked behind Ethan's truck. The way Trevor was starring at me in disbelief and revulsion, I knew he saw us.

 Fuck.

***FLASHBACK continued***

After moving to California

I sat on the bathroom floor in my room waiting for the nausea to pass. Popcorn, cookie dough, and fruit snacks probably wasn't the best combination for a snack before bed. Especially after I had a double bacon cheeseburger and fries for dinner. My body was paying for it.

When I found out the truth about my mom fucking my adoptive dad and him believing I was the product of his affair, I reverted back into my old habit of binge eating. It has been 2 weeks since I visited my mom's sister, my aunt Patricia, and learned the truth about my mother. My mom had an affair with my adoptive dad. He originally believed he was my biological father until a DNA test proved otherwise. I threw myself into food and work so I didn't have to deal with the fucked-up-ness that is my life. That's been my life since conception! I stayed busy so I didn't have to deal with the missed calls from my Aunt, the lies from my dad and the reality that my mom really wanted nothing to do with me.

When I moved to go to college, I had the fantasy of coming back. Texas was a pit stop to my ultimate dream: become successful, skinny and reuniting with my mother. I had the successful part. I was a doctor of physical therapy and secured a fellowship at a prestigious hospital. I didn't think I'll ever be "skinny". I'm 5'9 with boobs, hips and an ass. I think "athletic" is the closest I will get to skinny, but that was fine with me. I wasn't willing to give up food and booze to be skinny, so I now that I had a workout routine and maintained a size 6, I was satisfied. The only thing missing was reuniting with my mom.

I had seen enough movies to know that my mother didn't give me up because of me, but it didn't help me feel any better. I needed to hear how much she missed me and how she hated not being in my life. I could have started looking for her when I was 18, but I wanted to accomplish my goals first. I wanted to make something of my life so she could be proud to call me her daughter. Now I knew it didn't matter because I would never reunite with my mother. My aunt Patricia informed not only did she disappear, but my mom did not want contact with anyone in the family. Ever.

When my dad thought I was his biological daughter, he wanted my mom to sign away her parental rights so that she could never come back into my life. She was willing to do that until my dad found out I wasn't his through a DNA test. My mom gave me up for adoption instead. The fact that she gave me up for adoption, not because she wanted me to have a better life, but because she was wrong about who my father was just confirmed she wanted nothing to do with me. Instead of getting my shit together as Trevor suggested when he came to California, I bought more junk food and binged out. I know it was not solving my problem, but food was the only thing I could control in my life. I could eat myself into a stupor and feel no pain. Unless, I ate too much and ended up on my bathroom floor, regurgitating it. 

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!!

A banging on the door snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Liliana! Are you ok?" My dad's voice calls from the other side of the closed door.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I called, standing up.

"Are you sick?"

"No. I had pork at dinner. Bacon. I think it shocked my system." I lied, hoping he believed it.

"I warned you about all that red meat. Especially pork." He lectured.

"Believe me, I'm learning my lesson." I replied, turning on the water to rinse out my mouth.

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Ok."

I took a deep breath. The nauseous feeling is gone and I reach for my toothbrush. I was becoming a convincing liar. I can't help but notice I felt no guilt lying to him. Why should I? He lied to me my whole life. My lie was nothing compared to his.

A week later, I ended a phone call with EJ, happy for a change. The short phone call was a temporary relief from my life right now. EJ sounded so happy; not just to talk to me, but in general. I said thank you and goodbye to Brandon when EJ gave him back the phone, but he didn't respond. He just hung up. Things haven't been the same since Brandon found out I was using him to talk to EJ behind Ethan's back. I apologize to Ethan via voicemail as he would not answer my calls. The pang of regret hits me again. Regret and disappointment seem to be my companions ever since I moved back to California. Leaving my brother, my friends, and Ethan; it was all for nothing. I started to feel like I made a huge mistake.

My dad was working from home today, so I eat in my room to avoid him. My adoptive dad was a professional baseball player. He got drafted and moved to California from the Dominican Republic when he was 18. When he retired, he took business classes and invested in local businesses to becoming an entrepreneur. He always said he was lucky he got a chance to play baseball professionally, but he was most proud of his hard work and accomplishments as a business owner. He  stressed the importance of hard work, education, and obedience on me and Cam. 

Him getting a divorce and adopting me caused quite a stir in our gated community. I was too young to understand everything, but it infuriated Cam. When I first moved in, he barely spoke to me. If he did, it was in anger. My dad made it worse by constantly lecturing him on how he needed to be a better big brother. Even as a child, I only wanted Cam to like me. When he would yell at me or take my toys, I never told on him. I only cried to myself. When my dad would ask me what was wrong, I didn't tell him, not wanting to give Cam another reason to hate me. I would then get in trouble for not being a 'big girl'. Cam eventually stopped antagonizing me and started protecting me: from neighborhood kids and from our dad. I knew he would be even more pissed off than me about my dad's little secret. I wished I could reach out and talk to him, but it was still strained between us.

After my meal of a surf and turf burrito, chips and queso, extra guacamole, elote, churros, gummy bears and a couple of my dad's beers, I laid in bed the trash from my food still on my desk. Exhaustion hit me unexpectedly and I dozed off. I woke up a couple hours later to heartburn. I stayed in bed, waiting for the indigestion to pass, when the heartburn was accompanied with churning in my stomach. I dry heaved and rushed to the bathroom. I made it to the toilet just in time before everything I ate came back up. I didn't eat super healthy in Dallas at all. Definitely not as much eating out as I was on a budget, but my body's constant rejection of my bad eating choices was getting ridiculous. I stood up and went through the familiar routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face before I stepped back out into my room. I stopped when I saw my dad at my desk. I sighed as I headed to my bed.

"I'll clean it up." I said, tiredly, lying down.

"You will, but we have bigger problems than a dirty desk. You are going to the doctor. Now." My dad declared.

"For daring to disobey you?" I asked, rolling my eyes.

"No. For your eating disorder." He replied.

I scoffed. "I don't have a eating disorder."

"How long have you been throwing up your food? Is this how you lost all that weight in college? I knew I shouldn't sent you with your brother. I knew he couldn't handle-"

I sat up and glared at him. "That wasn't your choice to make! You didn't send me anywhere. I worked my ass off, and got scholarships and grants. Everything that I didn't earn, Cam took care of. Don't you dare criticize Cam. He's the only person who loves me enough to tell me the truth!" I yell.

"Your tone and language are not acceptable in my house-"

"Fuck this house." I said, standing up.

"Liliana-"

"Fuck, fuck, FUCK this house. We both know the real reason why I'm here. Maybe if you weren't fucking my mom I wouldn't be." I screamed at him.

The only reaction he had to that was a twitch of his lips and rubbing his temples.

"Cameron told you." My dad said.

I was lost for words. Cam knew? I felt sick all over again. I pushed it down.

"You should have told me! I had the right to know! It's my life!!!" I declared. 

"Did it help you? Are you better for knowing?" He questioned. 

Well of course fucking not. That wasn't the point.

"I should have known!!!" I yelled.

"I disagree, but that doesn't matter. What matters is getting you well."

I stopped listen at this point. Of course it doesn't matter. My needs and wants never matter to anyone it seemed. I laid back on the bed. When he kept ranting on, I looked up at the ceiling and yelled.

"I'M FUCKING DISGUSTED. I DON'T HAVE A GODDAMN EATING DISORDER. THIS FUCKING FAMILY MAKES ME SICK!!!"

My dad walked to the side of the bed to look me in the eye. I stared right back at him. "Liliana, this is my house. If you plan to continue to live here, you are going to follow my rules."

I get up. "Fine."

I stomped to my closet and grabbed a suitcase. "I'm not going to follow your fucking rules so I'm not going to fucking live here."

He stood there for a moment and watched me pack my bag.

"Wherever you're going, make sure you have a way. You're not taking my car." He said, leaving the room.

"Fan-fucking-tastic." I screamed at him as he left. I pulled out my phone and called my Aunt Patricia.

She answered on the 2nd ring.

"Patricia, sorry I have been ignoring your calls."

"It's ok dear. I know it's a lot to take in. I'm sorry that I had to be the one to tell you." Patricia answered.

"You have nothing to apologize for, but I have a favor to ask you."

"Anything..."

30 minutes later, I was putting my things into my Aunt's car, and we headed to her house.

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***Present******

I spent the rest of Sunday night after my disastrous date with Ethan, crying my eyes out to Sammy. She consoled me, told me that Ethan was a jerk and that there were plenty of guys out there. She urged me to focus on the next guy instead of crying over a guy that ultimately ended up being nothing to me. I get everything that she said, but she does not understand how I truly feel. She can't because she doesn't know everything. Part of me felt like maybe I deserved it. I can't help thinking about the past and how he told me he had feelings for me and was willing to try to make us work, even if I moved. I wondered what would have happened if I told him how I really felt about him. What if I explained why I needed to move back to California? What if I reached out to him and shared what I was going through? I should have told him about everything...

I quickly changed my train of thoughts. I don't want to think about it. At the end of the day, I didn't. I decided to move on. As hard as I tried, I couldn't move on. I couldn't stop thinking about and missing Ethan. That finally convinced me Ethan and I should be together.

It had occurred to me that I waited too long, but I refused to believe that time had pulled us apart, especially when I still wanted him the same way I did when I left. I knew I had to at least try and tell him how I felt. Now, it was too late. I never moved on, but he did. Sammy may have been saying all the right things about moving on, but I still had no idea how to do that.

----------------------------

I spent the following week completely numb. I stayed on autopilot, hoping that if I pretended my heart wasn't broken, eventually it wouldn't be. You know, fake it to make it. I was doing a good job of it until Wednesday. Brandon and I were playing with EJ. I knew Ethan should be coming over to pick him up soon, so I made sure to get ready to go for a run. I was holding it together, but I knew I couldn't fake it with Ethan yet. When I got back from my extra-long run, EJ was gone. Brandon gave me a knowing look.

"I know I said I'll stay out of you and Ethan's relationship, but he's making a big mistake. I told him that too." Brandon said.

I cringed. "He told you?"

"Yeah. I didn't realize something was up until he asked about you. He made it seem like y'all cleared the air or something. Did he tell you he was dating-"

"Yeah, he did." I cut him off. I don't even want to think about her, much less hear her name.

"Are you ok?" Brandon asked.

"Yeah. I just need a little time. That's all." I answered simply. "Can you not tell Rocky? I don't need any of her tough love right now."

"No problem." Brandon assured me.

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I was in much better spirits by the weekend. I stayed distracted with the premiere of the last season of our favorite show and Rocky and I decided to throw a little watching party. We invited Sammy, Peyton and Trevor. They all watched the show as well. Brandon wasn't really a fan, but he was going to watch it with us too. We ordered a ton of food and booze and everyone came to Rocky's house. Trevor showed up with the same girl I found him with when I went over to his apartment.

"Hey everyone. This is Becca. Becca, this is everyone." Trevor introduced her.

She said "Hey" and did a little wave. She was cute and petite. Very typical. Evidently, he is attracted to every type of girl considering his conquests in college, but petite, blonde, white girls seemed to be his go to.

While he introduced her to everyone individually, Sammy came to my side in the kitchen.

"What corner did he find this one at?" She said, sharply.

I shook my head. "Good question. She was at his apartment Saturday morning."