Living in Exile

I didn't know what to say, all I could think of was "How did you get here? When did you come in?"

She stood there, silently, as if the few words she had spoken were the only ones she could speak. She glanced around the barren apartment, and winced, I guess she probably figured I had spent the last year living it up or something in a wild bachelor pad.

Gene went over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. "Bri, you shouldn't of come, I don't think this is good for either you, come back with me and stay the night and I'll get you home."

She ignored his hand, and just stared at me, tears forming in her eyes, but unable to say anything. Feeling a bit of sympathy for her for the first time in a year, I pulled up my most comfortable chair and told her to sit. Gene then went and got her a glass of water, which she seemed grateful for.

She finally spoke. "Gene, I appreciate your offer, but now is the time we need to talk, and I don't think having you here will help. We have a lot to talk about, as you can imagine. I heard what you said about Claire, she didn't know the whole story, when I called her after talking to...Henry....". She lost it, cried, then regained her poise. "I doubt she understood one word in 10, to be honest, I was that far out of it."

Gene looked at me, and I nodded slightly that it was ok. Now that Bri was here, while the anger was still within me, it was not out of control, and despite the time we have been apart and all that had happened, I knew I couldn't hurt her, and I also knew tonight had to decide a lot of things.

Gene dipped his head, and quietly got his coat and left, and mouthed in my direction "good luck", and I knew he meant it. I began to realize that whatever the story was with everyone else, that Gene had been honest with me. He also made sure Bri had her phone and had him on speed dial, in case numbnuts (me) started torturing her with bad jokes, in his snarky last words.

She winced at his last put down of me, which told me some of the old Bri was in there.

Once Gene had left, I sat on the bed, and looked at her, and from this angle she looked even worse. She had bags under her eyes, with her coat off she was even more apparently skinny and she looked as miserable and defeated as I have ever seen a person be. Whatever the truth was, she looked horrible, not like someone enjoying life.

I decided to break the ice. "So how the hell did you get up here? We only talked late this afternoon, if you can call that a talk... how did you make it up here? "

She sighed. "I knew after your words and you hung up, that if I waited until tomorrow, there would be no tomorrow, when I heard what you had texted to Gene I knew it was probably screwed up beyond repair, but I had to take the chance. Not just for us; Even if we end up being through I had to make sure that my stupidity today and in the past didn't destroy your relationship with family, that would be both cruel and unnecessary, because this is all about us, Henry, it has always been. In any event, I managed to book two flights, and a long Uber drive, and here I am."

I flashed with anger. "My family is on my side? They certainly have a really weird way of showing it, I am upset, and they take your side. As far as it being about us, Bri, I can't see that, not at all. Everyone keep telling me how you were devastated, how much you missed me, how you had no one else, yet I have every reason to believe that was a total lie, that you were playing some warped game with me and either had the help of my loved ones or you manipulated them."

She switched from sad to angry in a flash. "You say you have reason to believe I was lying, you doubt me, what did you do, have some sleazy PI following me? Did you have video of me? I know that isn't true, if you had done that you would have seen I and they were telling the truth, I wish you had." Her anger vented, she propped her head in her hands. She then spoke softly "whatever gives you the reason to believe that about me, Henry, it isn't what you think."

I blew up. "It isn't what I think? You said the same thing after someone at your office told me you had slept with some loverboy from your office, you told me it wasn't what I thought, it is the oldest cliché in the book, Bri, and you say my feelings are once again 'not what I think?". She winced, I knew it had hit home, but then I saw her get angry again.

"Okay, if you have fucking evidence, spill it, what is it that makes you so sure." She looked at me as defiantly as she could.

"You want to know? Okay, Gene asked me if I felt better not being with you, and the answer was no, I don't. I decide to give you a call, Bri, and what do I get? I am trying to talk to you, and you say "Henry, I am glad you called, what did you want to talk about?" There was no reaction, it was as flat as day old beer, heck day old beer has much more bite to it." She lost color in her face, it had hit home.

"And then, I hear some shithead in the background asking 'who the fuck is that on the phone', sounding very much like a guy interrupted from getting something really good. You tell me what I am supposed to believe. Not to mention that after I cut off the call,in obvious distress, you made no attempt to call me back, text me, though you must have let everyone else know so they could call me and rip me a new one."

She weakly responded. "I didn't call you back because I knew I needed to see you in person, I know you too well, you would ignore any texts or voicemail I left. As for what happened on the phone, it isn't what you thin...." , She couldn't finish it, because I blew up.

"There you go again, same thing again, I don't understand, it wasn't what I thought, it is a broken record with you..." I was interrupted by her raising her hand and pleading with her eyes. I stopped talking but the anger was still there.

"The upshot of today is I listened to some really stupid, stupid advice, that is what happened.". She said this quietly.

This caused me to get tense again. "Who was it, Claire, telling you to move on from your loser husband and find a real man? Or some girlfriend at the office telling you that I was nothing, you had the right to move on? So have you been spreading your legs for everyone, playing the grieving wife to everyone while playing the field?"

She sprang up, and slapped me, hard, across the face. "If you ever talk to me again like that, I'll reach down your throat and pull your balls out your mouth. How fucking dare you accuse me of something so foul, when all I have tried to do is show you how much I regret what happened. Dammit, Henry, at least give me the opportunity to explain myself, then you can say, or do, what you want."

I was in shock, but I did calm down, while rubbing my jaw. Bri had one hell of a bitch slap. She sighed, and continued.

"I suspect Gene and the others told you I have been in therapy from the time you left until recently. I went in there with one purpose, and one purpose only, to find out why I cheated on you, the person I love the most in this world. If this was going to work out for us, I needed to be able to tell you why it happened so you would know how I could make sure it never happened again...I assume that is big on your list?" I nodded, and she continued, somewhat haltingly, like this hurt.

"It has been grueling, I was going several days a week, and the therapist had me go to places in myself emotionally you wouldn't believe, my childhood, my adulthood, my life with you, and it was horrible. One thing I can tell you is I felt every bit of what I did to you, I felt the pain knowing what I did to you, at times I literally couldn't stand after a session and had to call Gene or Claire to pick me up, literally and figuratively. Yet as much as I tried, I couldn't get to the one thing I wanted, why I did it. I dug, I cried, I screamed, I relived what I did in detail, but that one thing just didn't come forward. I knew even more that what I did was unforgivable because it hit you in a place where you have no defenses, it was salt in an open wound, and I felt that in ways I didn't think possible."

I started to speak, but she held up her hand. "I can tell you definitively what didn't cause me to cheat, I was happy with you in bed, the guy I ended up sleeping with was no Adonis, he was an ordinary guy, and it wasn't like there was lightning, no animal attraction, it was just like it happened. And no, it wasn't special, far from it, wham bam thank you ma'am would be an improvement, and I was disgusted, that I had done this to you...and no, I wasn't disgusted because the sex was crap, it could have been great and I would have been equally if not more disgusted. "

I looked at her as she said this, and I knew she as telling the truth, that she wasn't lying to me.

"As time went on, I was desperate, I was willing to try anything. A girl in the office, who means well, one of those people who is always trying cutting edge this and that with health and well being, mentioned the name of a therapist who supposedly was a whiz at patching up damaged relationships-so that is how I came to see one Valery Argent, PHd."

I smirked. "Yep, Phd=phony doctor, sounds like this one fit the bill."

"To be honest, that name alone should have rung warning bells. Anyway, so I went to see her, I was expecting to after telling her about us, the situation,that she would use new techniques to get at the bottom of why I cheated. Instead, she shocked me with what she said, if I wasn't at such a low point I would have gotten up and left." She looked at me, and I know what was to come wasn't going to be easy for her to admit.

"What she told me was that while I had committed a breach against our relationship by cheating, that if we were going to fix the marriage, that the real problem was you, that you didn't have the emotional depth to handle the reconciliation process. I was shocked by those words, I was so desperate I guess I grabbed at that idea...and for that I have a lot of apologizing to do." She must have seen the anger in my eyes, because she said," I am not proud of what I decided to do based on her advice, but understand I was that desperate, I was willing to try anything to get through to you."

I was angry, it sounded like I had been thrown under the bus, but I saw she was really torn up by her accepting this idea of me the therapist painted.

"After a couple of weeks, it basically came down to her teaching me techniques to 'control the conversation" if we ever talked about what happened...and I am so, so sorry, Henry, this is going to hurt you, and I wish I didn't have to talk about it." She was in so much pain, all I could do was sit by her and squeeze her hand, it overrode the anger I had.

"In effect Henry she blamed you, she totally ignored what I told her about how badly I hurt you, and she made you out to be like a child having a tantrum. She said I had to be like the stern mother, that I couldn't show emotion, even eagerness, that it would feed into the tantrum throwing child if I didn't act like that when we finally talked. " I looked at her like she had 6 heads, but she gave a small shake of the head.

"She also said that I had a block against figuring out why I cheated, and she said the only way she could see me breaking through would be to date guys and eventually have sex with them, and see where that took me, that if somehow I was blocking it because I couldn't admit to myself that I needed/wanted someone else, that I had to rule that out. So I started dating, had 1 date, 2 dates in some cases, but to be honest there was no desire there, we didn't even kiss, Henry, nothing was there."

I was irritated at this, but I didn't get all that angry. "That was stupid advice, but I can't resent it too much on your part, given that I was not celibate. That therapist to me sounds like a loon, though, and I resent she even told you that."

She mouthed "Me, too", then said, "All I can tell you is that I didn't desire them in any way. I have to admit it was good being out, getting dressed up again, being social, but there just was nothing there. I know this will sound self serving, but I have to tell you I was daydreaming I was there with you." I softened at this, and then she continued on.

"Now comes the hard part. When you called me yesterday, believe me, I so wanted to squeal like a little girl getting a puppy and laugh and sing, but I didn't. Between the crap I was on that gives you an emotional range from A to B, and then with what the shrink told me, that there was no hope if I didn't do like she suggested, I decided to be the cold bitch to you, let you know you couldn't manipulate me." I started to speak, anger flaring, but she grabbed my hand, and whispered, "That isn't the worst part of it, let me finish, I am almost done, you have given me more than I could ask for." The last part was said in a whisper, her eyes were off someplace else, but she kept on.

"The other part was I had had dinner that night with a guy I kind of liked, and for some reason felt that it was time to test things out, to see if it would help me figure out why I cheated the first time." Hearing these words, despite the fact I couldn't exactly say I was in the right, I did get mad.

"You just told me you didn't sleep with anyone, what the fuck? Why lie, when I already told you I might not be happy with it, I couldn't stay mad long. Don't you understand that lying at this point is going to wipe us out?"

She sighed. "Like I said, I am almost done, let me finish. So there was a guy I had a couple of dates with before last night, and while I wasn't hot for him, I invited him back to my apartment for a nightcap, to see." It pained me to hear her say that, my apartment, because I knew she was still living in the apartment we had shared, as many doubts as I had about us, it was a clue to her mindset to me, or so I thought.

"We had a couple of drinks and talked, and to be honest the guy did start to kiss me, and while it was nice to feel desired again, even after kissing and making out for a while, I felt no burning need to go to bed with him. He was attractive and all that, but nothing really there so to speak for me. He was just starting to get more intimate with me, touching my neck and my thighs, when your call came in." I nodded, and I could see from the way she was looking that this was the part I needed to listen to.

"When you called, I grabbed the phone and ran into the kitchen, and despite my excitement, I heard myself treat you like an ice queen, polite and all so cold while internally I cringed. Worse, my date, pissed off at what he likely saw as someone interrupting his fun, came into the kitchen and yelled, "Who the fuck is that on the phone?"

She sighed, wearily. "You know the rest. The next thing I knew, the person in this whole world I would give up chocolate ice cream for eternity just to hear his voice again, was screaming at me in pain and anger, you know the words, I won't repeat them, but they cut me to the quick, they devastated me, and I knew I had totally screwed up any hope of working my way back into your heart."

At this point she gave the anguished cry of a wolf that has lost its mate, it was bone chilling, despairing in its grief, yet to me it also was a ray of hope, you can't fake that kind of anguish. She continued on, more softly. "If by killing myself it would erase what I did from your memory, I would do it in a heartbeat, Henry, that is how much I regret doing what I did. And that's it, that is the story." She caught her breath, then continued on.

"I did two things after that call, I told the guy to leave, that it wasn't going to work out, and I probably told him not to let the door hit his ass on the way out, that it was so big it would likely dent the door and piss off the landlord. I also right after that called the number for the therapist, and gave her a lot of suggestions that are probably anatomically impossible as well, as telling her she was a fraud who one of these days was going to do well in her next career as a cart pusher at Walmart."

I laughed, appreciating the humor, but got somber quickly. "Bri, I appreciate the honesty, it is good to have this all out on the table. I have to admit some of what you said hurt me, but it had to come out. Loved the line about the door and Walmart, that was vintage you. As far as killing yourself, they frown on that around here and it wouldn't help, because I would still have the pain knowing I was too weak to give you a chance to make amends".

She tried to smile, but then looked at me sadly. "You don't have to make amends, I did it. Henry, is there any chance for us at all? We seem to be in a place where the wounds get bigger, not smaller."

I looked into her eyes, and I was honest. "Bri, I don't know, I really don't know, I think I/we are in a better place, but I don't know if we can make it. I still have this huge hurt, and to be honest, right now I don't know how to move forward. I will tell you that I have fully forgiven you, and that is a big step, but it might not be enough."

She grew silent, probably expecting me to say next that it was over. I think I shocked her when I didn't.

"Let me ask you a question, and it is the elephant in the room, how do I know you won't do it again? How do I know some guy won't come along, knock your socks off, and I am in the same position? How can I trust you? "

She looked at me, gave me a small smile that I guess was because there was a glimmer of hope, and said "Which comes back to why I did it in the first place, and like I told you, I still don't know. I can tell you what didn't cause it in any way, I just can't say why I did it. I won't say it was just one of those things, it didn't matter, it was just sex, that would be invalidating what I did to you."

I softened hearing that. "I know and I appreciate you acknowledging my pain. But the fear is still there". For the first time in a year, my feelings for her were returning, I was seeing her as my wife and the person I loved, not the adulterous bitch who betrayed me. I felt her love, I didn't doubt it, but I also had this gnawing in me that it might not be enough.

Her eyes once again saddened at my words, but then she had a thought. "Sweetie, I can't tell you why I did what I did, it wasn't for lack of trying, that is for sure. Between the devastation in my heart and soul when you left, knowing what I did, and the pain I experienced in therapy, searing pain, over what I did to you, I don't think I could ever cheat on you again, the memory of that pain just doesn't go away. Time has only made it worse. I can also tell you when I tried to drink the pain away, it was still there, front and center and raw, if anything it got worse. I could get totally sloshed and the hottest guy in the room hit on me and that pain would likely cause me to vomit on the guy, not sleep with him." I smiled at the thought, for many reasons, but she stopped me.

"I am serious, it is that bad a pain, it would remind me not to do it. It would be like if I forced you to binge watch a Jane Austen tv show marathon if you left the toilet seat up too many times, guarantee you would not do it again." I cracked up at that one, vintage her, and yes, I hate Jane Austen and yes, she would do that.

"And you accuse me of dorky, inappropriate humor? Here we are, discussing our future, and you bring up toilet seats." I shook my head in mock disgust, then laughed, before talking again.

"I have seen the pain in you for the first time, something I would not have been able to do unless you came here in the middle of a cold, god-awful night; Providence, Rhode Island, in winter is not a wonderland, in case you haven't noticed. Then you had the courage to come here and see me after what had happened. I haven't even apologized for what I called you..."