Living in Exile

Living in Exile (or not)

This is my first attempted story, it is based on Just_Words story "Life in Exile", which is a short and to the point story of a man whose wife cheats on him and, as in the title, puts himself into a kind of self imposed exile, living in a place a long way from where he once lived, neither ending his marriage or moving on. The original story ends with him making a phone call, so you don't know what happens. Thanks to Just_Words for granting me permission to work with his idea, hopefully he won't regret it.

From the original story ending: "There was no one to make me smile, no one who would laugh at my jokes, and no one for me to hold at night. "Am I any happier now than when I left?"

I sat in the dark and pondered my life. Then slowly, hesitantly, I reached for the phone.

You would have thought my cell phone, that nominally weighed about 10 ounces, suddenly was made out of lead, seeing at how slowly I lifted it. It then took me several minutes to dial the number I was looking for, one that in the past I could have dialed quickly even without speed dial. The weight of this call was such that I was almost hoping to get that infamous "Unable to complete call as dialed, please check the number and try again", but no such luck.

"Hi, Bri, guess who...."

"Henry? Is that you?" The voice didn't sound hesitant, nor did it seem particularly glad to hear my voice, in fact it was almost cold, as cold as the receptionist at my proctologist's office.

It quickly made me wonder if I should bother answering and maybe just hang up, but I had gotten this far, I might as well go on. "Yep, it's me, Bri, Gene was just here, stopped by on one of his business trips that I still don't know what the hell he does on other than eat and drink on his company's dime. We spent some time chewing the fat and, unlike the gazillion of times we have wasted talking over the years, he finally said something that was useful, and that made me think it was time to talk."

I was treated to dead silence on the other end of the line, and that is never good, especially since she didn't even respond to my sardonic comment about Gene, which usually at least elicited a groan from her.

The response, when it came, was as flat as old beer. "Um, well, it is great you called, really. What is it you wanted to talk about?" If I didn't recognize her voice, I would have thought the pod people had taken over or something, it certainly didn't sound like someone eager for the chance to finally talk, even if, after all, it had only been a year.

I decided to use some sardonic humor to see if I really was talking to a pod person or if some semblance of my wife still existed, was going to say, "Oh, you know, wanted to know your pick for the Kentucky Derby this year," but I was brought up short by the sound of a voice in the background before I could even start- a male voice.

"Who the fuck is that on the phone?" is what I heard. The voice was pretty loud and had the sound of deep irritation, as if something important was being disrupted, like maybe I was guilty of phonicus interuptus.

My reaction was immediate, I had a surge of anger the level of which I hadn't felt since I found out about her cheating on me, in fact if anything it was much worse, I literally was shaking with rage. I managed to control myself enough to squeeze out "Never mind, I am so damn sorry that I interrupted you, some DO say a good shtuping with a big cock can cure anything, I wish you rapid healing!" (or something like that, it probably was worse than that, ok?)

The funny part is that I wasn't all that angry at my supposed wife having a guy there (well, okay, maybe a little, was little hot under the collar but my high blood pressure didn't quite reach "tilt" though), after all I hadn't exactly been a virgin bride since I left home, it was mostly the way she talked to me for that minute that made me boil.

What added to my anger, really fury, was the realization that my friends and family made a big deal of telling me how lost my wife was without me, who told me that she was devastated, begged me to talk to her, had lied through their teeth. So she was a one-man woman? They lied to me, there was no other explanation, she is not that good an actor, so they had to be in on whatever she was pulling.

I was beyond angry at Gene, one of my best friends, he had been here not an hour before and had basically lied to my face and I hadn't detected anything but genuineness from him. It told me I couldn't trust myself with any of them, if they could be so deceitful.

Anyway, in my rage, I literally swore to cut off all contact with the offending parties, anyone who had ever tried to tell me my wife really loved me and wanted me back. Deep down I guessed that they blamed me for what happened with our marriage, that I ran away from Bri and therefore I was the real guilty party. It seemed like she she could have been a total bitch (not that I think she was/is), and they would still side with her. I felt abandoned, lost, and most of all like I was alone in the world.

The first time I can remember feeling this bad was when I was young. My mom had undiagnosed mental illness likely, and when I was 7 she couldn't fight the demons any more and took her own life. My dad in his grief, and likely feeling guilty he didn't get her help, was just too overwhelmed to be there for his young son. My older sister, who was almost a young adult, tried to help, but she had her own life. My dad loved me I think, but he just wasn't all there, and as a result I had this huge hole, feeling left alone and abandoned and betrayed by my mother leaving me. As I result I had few friends, Gene was the one person that I had a close relationship with, had since I was very young and he and his family helped me through that time.

The other time I felt like this that I remember was senior year, when a girl I had been with since 9^th grade dumped me the week before the senior prom and she went with a guy who I detested and whom she had claimed to hate. That dumping made it hard for me to trust women, I wasn't able to get serious until I met Bri 2 years after graduating college. I had had my share of women in college, had some girlfriends, but it always died when I figured that soon they would dump my ass, so better to break it off before they did.

I must have been yelling and screaming and otherwise making a racket all this time, because the nice couple that owned the place I was staying at came knocking at my door, concerned. I was embarrassed that I had gotten that far out of control that it disturbed these nice people. The embarrassment helped calm me down, and soon I was back to somewhat normal. After making me a cup of tea and with my assurances, they left me to myself, which means left me to brood.

I was in a dark place, I wanted to run away from everyone, get away from those who had betrayed me. How could I be such a fool to believe them when they told me Bri was devastated when I left and that she had done her time in hell? That woman I talked to was certainly not pining away for me, and her tone sounded like she was smelling rotting fish when talking to me.

If I wanted to run away and cut all ties with everyone, I could easily do that as my company had offices all over. There wasn't anything left with my wife now, and a divorce would be easy for her, our assets, what they were, were straight forward, and given I had been gone a year filing for abandonment would be quick. Honestly, after talking to her, I had wondered why she hadn't filed before this as she knew I would sign them.

My phone chirped, and I knew the messages had started, didn't take long, as long as I had been brooding I guess. There was one from Claire, sounding upset, asking me what the fuck happened and telling me to call her. There was one from my sister, so the family Emergency Warning System must have been operating, she was even less poised than Claire, asked me if I really was that much of a bastard that I could be so cruel to Bri. Others texted, some just saying "call me back", others asking variations of what the fuck is up.

Eventually someone must have gotten a hold of Gene, he left me a long message asking me how we could have such a good talk and then I acted like such a dick, he either was really angry at me for a perceived wrong, or he was angry because his bar time was interrupted, didn't really matter to me which it was.

What was telling (to me) was that none of the messages, not even from Gene, had even bothered to ask me how I was doing, not one of the messages said anything like "what happened? Are you okay? " It told me I had all of them wrong, that they must think so low of me that they automatically take the side of the woman who had hurt me rather than care about me.

Not to mention that the person in the center of this, my supposed loving wife, hadn't tried to contact me. She had my number, she knew I was angry, and instead of calling me right back and asking why I did what I did, she ignored me and used the family circle to get at me.

I suddenly felt tired, really tired, even thoughts of running away no longer held any pleasure. I sat there and the only thing I decided I could do was to let the family and friends circle know I know longer wanted any part of them. I sent a short text to Gene, saying he and everyone else could all go to hell, and may it be far removed from the hell they and Bri had put me in, and far worse a place, if that was possible.

I eventually slipped off into something that was more a stupor than real sleep, would wake up, catch myself sobbing at what had been and at what might have been, then snoozed again. I was in one of these snooze cycles when suddenly I was jolted out of it.

There was a banging on my door fit to wake the dead, and then suddenly a voice I didn't want to hear said, "Henry, you bastard, I know you are in there, open the fucking door before I kick it in!"

Only one person would say that, and he was the last person I wanted to talk to. I tried pretending like I wasn't there, but the banging continued and I was afraid he would bust down the door, something I am sure the owners wouldn't appreciate, I wouldn't be surprised if the cops were already on the way.

I went to the door, and as quietly as I could, I told him to go the fuck away, I had nothing to say to him. He persisted, and despite threats of bodily harm I would inflict on him, he wouldn't go away. I finally told him to shut the fuck up, figuring the cops would be next pounding on my door, and I opened the door. He came rushing in, apparently in a rage, and he took a swing at me.

Unfortunately for him, I was angrier than him, and also have better reflexes, so I sidestepped his roundhouse punch and then when his side presented itself to me, gave him a rabbit punch, which took the wind out of his sails, he staggered a bit and held himself up at the puny table I had.

I was the first to speak. "I don't know if you are just dense or completely unable to read plain English, I thought my text made clear that I want no part of you, or any of my so called family or friends, that this was the last straw."

He attempted to speak but had a hard time catching his breath, I guess my punch was harder than I thought. He finally could speak. "Dude, what the fuck? What the hell happened? We were fine not more than 8 hours ago, and now this? Have you gone off the deep end? At the very least, you owe me more of an explanation than telling me to go to hell, not after all these years."

I looked at him incredulously. "What the hell do I have to explain? You and the rest of my family and friends made pretty clear what you thought of me, so why are you here? To further tell me I am an asshole, a dick, a bastard? And that is some of the kinder things I have heard since the shit hit the fan."

He sighed, then plopped himself in one of the few chairs I had. "Henry, what do you want me to think? I was getting ready for bed, and I get this call from Claire, telling me you called Bri, and that you basically told her to fuck off and die. Bri literally was near collapse according to Claire. Apparently you must have thought it was time to call her after we talked, but why did you do that to her? Why bother calling if you felt like that?"

I snorted. "First of all, I doubt you were getting ready for bed, more likely another round of scotch on the rocks and flirting with some waitress in the cocktail bar. As far as the second, did any of you bother to think that maybe, just maybe, I had a reason to do what I did? And tell me, with all the concern about Bri, do you know that not one of you calling me asked me how I was doing, not one, not even you?"

Gene started talking, but I shut him up with a shake of the head. "Save it, Gene, I am sure in your own mind you believe you are here for me, you care, but to be honest right now I don't give a shit what you believe, in fact I don't give a shit about anything at this point, other than I want to go to bed and dream of a world where everyone isn't a disloyal prick."

He looked shocked for the first time and instead of angry, looked confused and yes, concerned. "Dude, do you really believe that? That everyone has betrayed you? Okay, people were angry, but they only were acting on what they knew, and you did nothing to set the record straight, you didn't even talk to anyone, call them back."

"Why should I? It became pretty clear to me where they stood, they didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt, they assumed I was the guilty party, and read me the riot act. They obviously are taking her side, they don't care what she does or says, she is right and I am wrong, and I am fucking tired of it."

Gene shook his head. "Dude, we all have been on your side. Yes, we love Bri but we also were upset at what she did, she caught a lot of shit from me and especially from Claire, but everyone did that to her. I don't know what suddenly changed, why you feel betrayed, it doesn't make any sense."

"It doesn't make any sense because to all of you I am the guilty party, probably even figured I was responsible for her cheating. You and everyone else have been feeding me a line of guff about Bri being devastated, that she was wasting away pining for me, when that is utter bullshit, that has become clear to me. Knowing what I know now, there is no fucking way the tale you all told me, even 8 fucking hours ago to my face, could be true, you had to be lying to me, and the only reason for that has to be you are on her side, have been."

He took it calmly. "For all the years I have known you, my old friend, this is the one time when I really don't have a clue what you are talking about. What I told you is the truth, the whole thing, Bri has been a mess, she goes to work, and that is about it, she spends all her time crying her eyes out, she has been desperately seeking help to figure out why she did what she did. I know real pain and suffering, that is what I see in her." I saw genuine concern in his eyes for me, and I also saw something I had not seen in my friend in years, tears glistening the corners of his eyes.

I softened a bit, less tense. "Then how can you explain to me that when I called her last night, after you made me think maybe it was time to talk, and the woman who answered the phone, and yes it was Bri, sounded like she didn't give a rats ass that I was calling her. There was no happiness there, no tears, no moaning, hell, not even rage at me for leaving her so long ago....almost nothing. Dude, I have gotten a lot more warmth from the receptionist at my proctologist's office."

Gene seemed to be taken aback, but he recovered quickly. "I can't believe that, you must have projected your own emotions on her, I have seen the way she is, Henry, she would cut off her arm to talk to you, she still sits by the phone waiting for you to call, she has your number with its own tone, everything. "

I tensed up. "Damn You! I am not misreading this, I know her emotions, this wasn't like when you ask a woman what is wrong and they say, "nothing," and you know that isn't true; this wasn't anger, it literally was nothing, it was dead, as dead as I now feel our relationship is and quite frankly as dead as my feelings for the rest of you, too."

He seemed shocked, like it truly didn't add up to him. "What else happened? There had to be something else, it couldn't just have been her tone of voice."

I laughed, not out of joy. "You want to hear her eagerness? Her exact response, after I made a snarky remark about your going on the road to drink and eat on the company dime, was 'um, well it is great you called, what did you want to talk about?' Is that someone literally waiting by the phone for someone to talk to them, eager to try and see if we could be together again?" I looked at him, and he seemed genuinely in shock.

"She said that? Like that?"

I nodded, sadly. "That is verbatim and the tone was dead, pure and simple. But that wasn't the worst thing".

He looked at me, his eyes telling me he wanted to hear the rest but also didn't want to. "Right after she gave me that warm, welcoming greeting, a very male, irritated voice demanded to know who the fuck was on the phone, and it was clear he was annoyed at being interrupted, I suspect is was phonicus interruptess."

He looked truly shocked and I could tell he was trying to find an answer. "Are you sure? Maybe it was a visitor simply asking, maybe it was a family member..."

I didn't let him finish. "No, it wasn't her father or brother or an uncle, I know most of her relatives, on top of everything else the person had an accent, sounded maybe eastern European or Russian and definitely didn't sound like he was there to fix the sink or look at her etchings."

He looked suddenly grim. "Brother, honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on, who to believe." He saw me stiffen, He raised his hand to stop me.

" Obviously I got the report from my wife, who said that you had no sooner gotten on the phone with Bri that you started ranting at her, calling her basically a slut, and then hung up. Claire didn't mention anything about a visitor, I don't know if Bri even told her, if she did Claire might have some explaining to do with me." I could see him adding up what I had told him, and it looked like he wasn't too comfortable with it.

I sighed, and wearily sat back down on my bed. "Sad truth is, if all that had happened was she had a guy over, I would have been annoyed, maybe even a bit pissed, but I could have gotten over it, given what I have done since leaving. That said, the fact that she treated me like that and then I hear some guy she obviously was fucking or planning to fuck come into the picture, and I had an instant view of what I meant to her, which was basically nothing."

He started to open his mouth to say something, he looked truly pained, horrified even, but then a 150-volt shock hit me.

"You aren't nothing, and no one lied to you, Henry, I can promise you that."

I turned around, or rather jumped around. It was Bri, standing there, wraith-like. She was wearing an old jacket, and had on a beat up pair of jeans and a top that looked like it was the same age. She wore no makeup, no jewelry, and for someone that I assumed that very afternoon had gotten a good fucking, she looked amazingly wan and dejected, if not totally defeated. Her eyes, which were a rich brown mixed with green and used to sparkle, looked dull.

I also noticed that when her hand came up to push hair out of her face, that her usually well-tended nails had what looked like a relatively fresh manicure chewed off and the nails ragged. In fact, she looked like I would expect her to look if what Gene and the rest had told me was true.

I looked at Gene, angry that he might have brought her without telling me, if for anything that it was cold out and she wasn't warmly dressed, but he looked as surprised, if not more surprised, than I did. I guess when he came in I didn't fully shut the door, and she must have walked in when she arrived.