Loathing

He held my head firmly in place as he dumped his load in my hungry, willing mouth. I savored the texture and stale/bitter flavor of his seed on my tongue. This is my favorite, and least favorite, part of giving head. My favorite, because I did this, brought so much satisfaction to the man in front of me, he rewarded me with his cum. Least favorite, because this was the second to last bit of fun for me. All that remained was a hot wank, giving myself the pleasure I had just given to the man who just left.

After that, guilt and shame would set in. I would strip out whatever lingerie or panty I was wearing, brush my teeth and shower immediately after cumming, purging the dirty deed from my head, trying to "wash away the gay". It never worked, I always hated myself, cursing myself out for what i had done. I would long for the days I had before I sucked that first cock all those years ago. The days of racking notches on my bedpost of the women I fucked, not that there were many, but I did okay back then. I would swear off cock forever, resolving to get back "in the game", find a girl and get laid. At least until I woke up the next morning.

As I awoke, despite brushing and rinsing, I could still taste last nights adventure in my mouth. I never remembered their name, just a random one off from the gay dating site I belonged to. I only had one regular, Tim, but meeting with him was maybe once a month or so. My hated desire for cock could not be limited to once or twice a month, I needed it when I wanted it.

I know what you're thinking, this guy can't possibly hate sucking cock that much, he belongs to a gay dating site, wears lingerie, has a regular cock to suck, blowing random dudes and you're probably seriously doubting that I have ever had sex with one woman, let alone several. I get it, even I find it hard to believe sometimes.

Anyway, I woke up, still resolved to set myself "straight". I busied myself making breakfast, doing some cleaning, hit the yard to do a much needed spring clean-up and the first mow of my lawn. Anything I could do to stay away from my laptop and temptation. It was early afternoon, drenched in sweat and tired I hopped in the shower. The hot water felt great, washing away the dirt and soreness, I started to feel good. A little too good though, I started playing with myself, stroking my cock to hardness.

I needed relief, so I hopped out of the shower, dried off and hit the couch. I opened up my laptop, hit my favorite porn site and started edging myself looking for something to watch. Starting with some lesbian porn, what could be straighter than that, no "triggering" cocks, just sweet, beautiful vaginas and boobs. That worked for a little bit. I needed more though, dicks be damned, I needed to see some sucking and fucking... to the straight stuff!!!

While that was fun for a little longer, in the back of my mind I just wanted to see the sucking. That tickle grew and I switched to blow-job compilations, which quickly spiraled into gay blow-job compilations and finally hypno vids. Pulsing images of cocks and cum, rhythmic female voices telling me how great sucking cock is, c'mon, like I didn't already know.

Not even 45 minutes had passed since I first opened my laptop and started watching porn, now I was opening another window to log onto my gay site. After logging in, I checked my messages, none, and who viewed my profile, a couple prospects, and then hopped into the group chat. The chat was busy, so I narrowed it down to statewide prospects, with the hopes of weeding that down to someone local.

I'd come this far, might as well fall all the way down that rabbit hole and panty up. I slipped into a pair of blue boyshorts, spandex and nylon, I loved the way they felt, the way they cupped my package. My cock couldn't get much harder.

"In panties looking to suck cock, maybe more... southeast XX..."

I hit enter and sent my request out into the chat. I would send it out again when the page filled up, keep it circulating. There were a handful of guys after narrowing down my search area, so I sat back and waited. I scrolled through the guys who viewed my profiles, not much to look through, a couple hot guys that were somewhat local. Most were blank profiles, I hated those. I left messages for the profiles that piqued my interest, and just starting clicking on random profiles.

Hypno mantras filled my head as I scrolled through profiles... the soothing voice reassuring me I loved cock and how much I needed cock. They weren't telling me anything new, but it was nice to have it confirmed. I kind of zoned out on the voice and lost myself in the pics, feeling myself through my panties, when a ping broke me from my reverie.

I opened the IM. "I'm close, you want this..." Followed by an impressive dick pic. My mouth watered as I typed out "YES!!!". I stared at the long fleshy rod, hanging half hard. Best guess from the pic it would have be a solid 7", maybe bigger. All I knew was I definitely needed that in my mouth.

"Yes, yes, yes!!! 123 Something St. How far away r u?"

"I can be there in 10/15 minutes. Seems too easy though, usually have to jump through hoops for this." I read his reply.

"I'm real and I want that dick... times wasting friend", I typed back.

"See you soon"

He was offline.

Luckily the house was clean, I had no prep to do, so all I could do was wait, anxiously.

I always hated the waiting, my nerves would be shot until he was here and naked. I drank a quick beer and opened another one to nurse. There would be no acting casual for me, I was naked except for panties and I had no plans to put more clothes on. My place is hidden enough from the road, it's not like passersby would notice me. No one was expected to drop by, so I was all set there. Hopefully he liked what he saw when I opened the door.

12 minutes and 47 seconds later my doorbell rang. In the time it took me to walk from the kitchen to the front door any pretense of feigned hetero-ness left my mind, replaced with the eager and willing cock sucker I was meant to be. I opened the door, my body proudly on display for him to see. I didn't recognize him, so at least it wasn't a friend just popping in. He looked a bit startled though.

"Hey there, come on in." I said, waving him in.

"Uh, uhm... Thank you." He said, eyeing my body, as he stepped through the door.

As the door shut he pulled me in for a kiss. I melted. As his tongue parted my lips his hands gripped my pantied ass firmly. Our tongues met, I let a soft moan escape as we made out. I reluctantly broke the kiss, grabbing him by the hand I led him to my bedroom.

I helped him undress as we entered my room, taking in his body. He seemed fairly tall, 5"10 maybe. His body showed some signs of his age, mid 60's at most with a deceptively youthful, yet average, face. His cock though, oh my!!!, it hung proudly at least 6" soft and wonderfully thick.

I pulled him onto my bed, pulling him back in for another hot kiss. I couldn't believe how into kissing him I was. While I had kissed a couple of the guys I had met with, it was never something I actively sought out. With him it was different, he was so good at it I couldn't help myself.

As our tongues dance, our hands made their way over each others bodies, with my hand finally making his way to his hardening cock. His cock felt great in my hand, hot and weighty. Breaking the kiss, I laid him back and started to kiss my way down his body. Taking my time with his nipples and abdomen.

Kissing my way down I came face to face with his cock. It looked so good, standing at full mast, easily 8" now, with a small drop of pre-cum forming on the circumcised head. Taking his cock in my hand, I coaxed some more pre-cum from the head. The drop grew and my brain shut off. The only thing that mattered now was his cock.

My mouth opened, my tongue licked the tip of his cock, tasting the sweetness of his clear goo. I shuddered with delight, swirling my tongue over his cock head, bathing it in saliva. I brought him further into my mouth, lips closing over his engorged rod. The heat of his sex filled my mouth as I took more of him in it. This was pleasure, how could I even think of denying myself this. Cock is delicious, fulfilling, validating.

I hungrily deep-throated him. Feeling him fill my throat, gagging deliciously. His strong hands holding my head in place as he pumps into me. I could never seriously give this up. This was just too right, my mouth was made for this. I bobbed up and down, coating his cock in my spit. Pulling off, my hand replacing my mouth, I went for his balls. Licking and sucking them into my mouth.

I kept a nice steady pace, alternating between sucking and stroking, teasing the head with my tongue. His moans of approval growing louder, my eagerness increasing to match. Thirst for his cum filled me with lust. My hand and mouth worked as one to get my reward. His breathing became ragged, he was beginning to tense up. I had achieved my goal.

My lips formed a tight seal, just below the head of his cock when I felt that first volley of cum hit my tongue. He bucked with each burst, my lips locked in place. I never miss a drop of cum. As he settles, I can savor the taste and texture of his seed. Creamy and thick it coats my tongue, viscous and velvety. His seed is slightly bitter, a stale saltiness to it. Just what I was craving.

I stroked his deflating cock, milking the remaining drops of his gift. Once I had cleaned the last of his cum, he was up, quickly dressing. I could see his shame, similar to my own post orgasm guilt. I wasn't there yet, still on my high of another successful milking. He left without saying a word, I didn't care. I did wonder if I would see him online again one day, he would make for a very good regular.

I laid back and started to stroke myself, knowing full well the shame and eventual reconciliation in store for me.