Looking at the Sun

"You were hiding from me," Sienna teased, sounding braver than she felt.

Alex chuckled, "And why would I hide from you, Sienna?"

Sienna shrugged, "Because of what happened over the summer and..."

Alex took a sip of beer from the bottle she'd been nursing. She had an inkling that Sienna had feelings for her, and wanted to be gentle with her dismissal. "I think a lot of people would welcome your advances, Sienna..."

"Why not you?" Sienna threw caution to the wind.

Alex sat up, "Oh, Sienna, I'm sorry, I'm not..."

"Shhhhh," Sienna put her fingers on Alex's lips, "Hold on. Jess isn't here. Something happened between you two, I don't know what it is, but maybe you want to take your mind off it? Just for the night?"

Alex grasped Sienna's hand and tactfully moved it off her lips.

Before Alex could say anything, Sienna leaned in and kissed her.

Alex's reaction time to Sienna's kiss was dulled by the alcohol. Alex regretted the kiss instantly and the two women broke apart. Sienna was puzzled; she had expected a surge of endorphins when their lips touched, but felt none.

They both spoke at once, "Sienna..." Alex began, searching for a way to relieve them both of the awkwardness of the moment, "I really don't..."

"That wasn't --" Sienna said.

"Wasn't what?"

"Uh, it wasn't the big deal I thought it would be." Sienna said, looking confused.

Alex looked a little embarrassed, "I guess that is a good thing?" She touched her own lips self-consciously.

"May I confess something?"

Alex smiled and shrugged, "Sure... I think...?"

"I've been having this dream where I, um, kiss someone. Someone with your appearance -- so much so that I thought it was you... but just now... it wasn't the kiss I'd been dreaming about." Sienna felt as if some fog had lifted. Suddenly, she realized what she had attempted to do and felt like an idiot.

"Again, I guess that is a good thing?" Alex grinned.

Sienna squeezed Alex's hand, "Yeah. Oh god Alex, I'm sorry that happened. I really shouldn't have done that. Jesus. I wasn't thinking straight." Sienna stood up, tucking her hair behind her ears. "I should go, before I get hit by the stupid stick again."

As uncomfortable as the moment was, Sienna's heart somehow felt lighter. Alex still looked handsome as ever, but there was no tightness in Sienna's chest as she put space between their two bodies.

Alex got up, "Okay. No, I mean, it's okay. Sienna, you don't need to go."

Sienna smiled, "I know. But I should. I came by to say good-bye, and I think if I left now, I won't completely embarrass myself. Can we chalk this up to poor alcohol intake management?"

Alex smiled back, "There's no need, honestly. But if you insist, then we are both culpable."

"You are too nice," Sienna said, and then, more sincerely, "I hope it works out with Jess." She opened her arms for a hug. Alex hugged her back, "Me too. I hope you find your kiss."

Sienna laughed half-heartedly, "Safe travels, Alex. Come back and visit, ok?"

When Sienna turned around, she saw Erin and Annie, who were trying -- unsuccessfully -- to not look like they'd been witness to the entire exchange.

"Goodnight Annie, see you around," Sienna said as she left.

Sienna and Erin walked in silence for a while. As the subway train rumbled north, Sienna asked, "So how much did you see?"

Erin blushed, "We saw the kiss... and lots of talking. We were trying to guess whether you'd manage to convince Alex to take you home with her tonight."

Sienna laughed, "You know, I thought I had maybe one chance in a hundred. But something happened, and now, thinking back to that moment, I don't think I would have wanted to. Even if Alex wanted to."

"The kiss was that bad?"

"Hmm, no, it wasn't bad. It was just... nothing... I mean, her lips felt good, but it didn't feel good, you know what I mean?"

Erin shook her head, "No. I have no idea what you mean. You've been dying to kiss this woman for over two years and then 'nothing' is all you give me??? It makes no sense!"

"I know. It doesn't make sense to me either."

"Look on the bright side, you didn't become 'the other woman'!"

Sienna shoved her friend playfully, "They were on a break. But I still shouldn't have kissed her."

"No harm, no foul."

"I guess. And I can cross her off the list..."

"What list?" Erin asked.

"Uh, you know, the stupid crushes list," Sienna scrambled; Erin didn't know about the dream.

Erin nodded, "Yeah, let's aim for the sweep-you-off-your-feet romances list instead!"

+++ The Present +++

Chapter 5: The Retirement Party (Junior Year, 21st Dec - Saturday)

"The Branson School Holiday Party -- Welcome Back Alums!" read the banner hanging over the public school's entrance. Sienna and Hannah hurried in from the cold. Although the hallways and stairwells all had fresh coats of paint, both of them were hit by a nauseating mix of claustrophobia and nostalgia as they made their way to the school gym. Branson was actually split into two schools -- Branson Lower and Branson High, but most people had to suffer their way through both schools before finally managing to claw their way out to freedom.

"Do NOT leave me alone to deal with the people of my nightmares." Sienna tugged at Hannah's shirt.

"Relax. We'll stay until the surprise, and then zip out of here. It'll be worth it to see Mrs. Reilly's face. Speaks volumes that this many people have shown up to celebrate her retirement."

"I fucking hated high school," Sienna complained, scanning the gymnasium for the nearest drinks station. "No, let me restate that. I fucking hated high school and I hated this small town even more."

"That's not entirely true. You only started hating everything Senior year when--"

"Yeah, yeah. I know." Sienna's mood darkened.

"Mrs Reilly taught kindergarten. Before people turned into monsters. Try and focus on that."

Sienna rolled her eyes, not ready to cede any ground, "Don't tell me Amanda Whitaker wasn't already a mean girl in kindergarten. She made fun of me every chance she got."

"That's because she had no friends and you and Sasha were inseparable. She had no time for me, for example. I was already so nerdy she looked right through me as if I was vapor. Oh look -- there's Kristen Banner! She said she'd be coming. I have to go say hi."

"Fine, go. I'll just stand here and pretend I am super thrilled to be seeing all these people that I have studiously avoided these past three years." Sienna's eyes swept the room again without spotting anyone she felt compelled to speak with. She got her drink and walked over to the window. The school playground was right below, next to the parking lot. She remembered standing at the very same window Senior year, wishing herself to be miles away. Everything had been tolerable until Senior year, and then she just wanted to get the hell of out Dodge.

"Hey Wolverine," whispered a voice in her ear.

Sienna screamed in surprise, her cup of cranberry juice leapt in a glorious arc high up in the air. The sticky red liquid landed with an unceremonious splash.

"SASHA JAMES, you asshole!" Sienna exclaimed, knowing who it was before she turned around.

"You are entirely too easy to scare the shit out of."

Sienna glared at her childhood friend, who had an infuriating grin on her face, "And you are so juvenile, Sasha."

Sasha flashed an even bigger smile. She took her baseball hat off with one hand while the other combed through her hair, gathering her dark brown locks in place before jamming the hat back on again.

Sienna couldn't help but smile back. Even despite their recent differences and disagreements, Sasha -- without Anastasia in tow -- was a sight for sore eyes. Taller than Sienna by a just a little bit, Sasha had always been a comforting presence. Now, stirred with the remembrance of how lonely Senior year was without Sasha (and because Anastasia was nowhere in sight), Sienna fought the urge to just fling herself into Sasha's arms.

"What? Do I have something in my teeth?"

"Nada. I was just thinking that some things never change," Sienna countered smoothly. She had never let on how much she'd missed her friend, and she wasn't going to start now.

"How do you mean?"

"Your outfit: jeans, button-down shirt, baseball hat, black boots. Standard Sasha outfit, although you are tucking your shirt in now. Classy."

"Yeah, me and the hundreds of thousands of people who wear this combination of things, dork." Sasha crossed her arms, deeply pleased that they'd slid back into the groove of bantering with each other.

Sienna frowned, "Hmm, yes, you're right, not only are you boring, you are unoriginal. Now go get me some paper towels and soda water. You ruined my shirt."

Sasha returned moments later with the requested items and handed them to Sienna, who immediately went to work, dabbing the front of her shirt carefully.

Sienna stopped when she realized that Sasha was staring at her chest, "What?"

"Nothing!" Sasha turned away quickly, mortified that Sienna had caught her.

"Liar," Sienna mumbled, getting back to her task. She sensed Sasha's eyes return to her breasts and looked up again, "Seriously?" Sienna raised her eyebrows, "Are you 15?"

Caught staring for the second time, Sasha went on the offensive, "You didn't have those when we were 15."

"Perv," Sienna narrowed her eyes, "You'd better stop before Anastasia hears you. Where is she anyway? Applying on her fifth layer of make up?" She looked around for a trash can.

Sasha narrowed her eyes back at Sienna, "She went to the bathroom," she said, "Try and be nice, ok? She and I have been arguing non-stop since Labor Day. Let's not add nitro-glycerin to the fire."

"I hate to sound like a five-year-old, but you know she's the one who starts stirring up shit right? I just try and defend myself from the litany of transgressions she hurls at me."

Sasha held up her hands, "Alright already. Look Sienna, you and I both know she can be ridiculous when it comes to you. But calling her out on it the way you do doesn't help. Trust me. Please? Be less, you know, black-belt-lethal with your put downs?"

Sienna felt a smile fighting to form. She nodded curtly, "Fine."

"Thanks, Wolfy," Sasha wrapped her arms around Sienna and squeezed.

"Hmmmmm," Sienna sighed. I've missed this. Oh, get real, Sienna! Sienna shook herself out of her reverie and stepped away from the embrace.

"Uh, ok, no problem, Sasha," Sienna said as carelessly as she could, "You got it."

Before Sasha could come up with a pithy comeback, she felt herself pulled into a hug along with Sienna.

"Sasha and Sienna, still stuck together like peas in a pod!"

"Mrs. Reilly!" They both said together.

Their kindergarten teacher released them from the hug, "Oh, call me Beth. What a surprise to have you both come to the end of year party!"

"Yeah, the rumor was they are spiking the drinks... that's why I'm here, anyway!" Sasha joked.

"Maybe it's because they heard you were coming," Sienna winked affectionately at Beth, risking a half-truth.

Beth laughed, "I don't think I'm that big of a draw, Sienna. But thanks for making me feel good."

"I'm going to tell Hannah you are here -- be right back," Sienna said as she waded into the crowd.

"I didn't know Sienna came out! It's good to see you two together. You were always so close." Beth said, as she observed Sasha's eyes following Sienna across the room.

Sasha turned away from Sienna abruptly, "Oh, no, we aren't together. Sienna's straight as an arrow. This is the first time we've seen each other in a while, we've kind of fallen out of touch actually."

"Oh! I'm sorry Sasha, my mistake -- I saw you two hugging and thought you were, you know..."

Sasha shrugged, "S'okay. So, Beth, any plans for the holidays?"

"John and I are going to go visit my son and his family in Baltimore. I'm a grandmother now, can you believe it?"

"Believe what? Hi, Mrs. Reilly!!!!" Hannah gave the teacher a big hug.

"Oh, I was just telling Sasha that I'm going to visit my granddaughter over Christmas. Hello, Hannah dear. You are looking very well!"

Hannah elbowed Sienna and nodded to her left. Anastasia was striding towards them, irritation written all over her face.

"I've been looking ALL OVER for you, Sasha," Anastasia pouted.

"I've been standing right here. The entire time. This is-- OOOF!" Sasha almost fell forward as a giant of a man collided into her with a clumsy hug.

Sienna heard a nasty pop. Sasha let out a yelp of agony.

"Sasha! It's good to see you, man! You too, Sienna," the giant said, slapping Sasha on the back. Sasha winced again.

"Oh shit, are you okay?"

Sasha doubled over in pain, "Goddammit Seth, you just dislocated my shoulder."

Seth paled, "What do we do now? Get a doctor?"

Sienna, in practiced movements, palpated Sasha's upper arm and clavicle, "Go grab a chair, Seth. Let's figure out what this is first. Wolfy, is this like the camping trip or like the swim meet?"

Sasha groaned, "Swim meet."

"What does that mean?" Anastasia asked.

"Probably just a dislocation. The camping trip was more complicated. We'll need to pop it back."

Sasha nodded as she sat down on the chair Seth brought over, "Ugh, it's going to hurt, isn't it?"

"You can take it. Let me know when you are ready." Sienna stood next to Sasha and positioned one arm under Sasha's elbow and the other on Sasha's forearm.

"Are you sure you know what you are doing?" Anastasia asked, not really able to look at the way Sasha's shoulder had collapsed forward.

"Sasha's left shoulder likes to go rogue. We've popped this sucker back multiple times," Sienna smiled, "She's just being a big baby right now."

Sasha turned to Sienna, "Jackass."

Sienna leaned towards Sasha until they were almost nose to nose, "You're stalling, asshole."

Beth Reilly laughed, "Come on guys, let's give them some space."

"No, it's fine," Sasha griped, "Okay Sienna, do it."

"Okay. No sudden movements, and I will stop if you say 'stop,' okay?"

Sasha nodded. Sienna applied support and pressure, gently rotating and lifting Sasha's arm and levering the shoulder back into its socket.

Everyone clapped and Sienna took a dramatic bow.

Sasha shifted her shoulder around, "Show's over. Thanks for nothing, Seth."

Seth went red, "I'm sorry dude - I forgot about your shoulder."

Sasha shrugged good-naturedly, "Next time you tackle me, just make sure Sienna's around, okay?"

"Is that all I'm good for?" Sienna crossed her arms in mock irritation.

Before Sasha could respond, Anastasia made an abrupt turn and strode out of the gym.

The smile on Sasha's face faded. "Sorry. I have to go. Sienna - thanks for.. you know..."

Sienna nodded, "You should go put that in a sling, Sasha."

"Beth - good seeing you. I'll be back later." Sasha hurried after her girlfriend.

"Someone didn't like you touching Sasha," Hannah noted.

Sienna just raised her eyebrows, "Yeah, whatever, reducing shoulder dislocations is a real turn-on in Russia, don't you know?"

"How come you knew how to do that?" Seth asked, "Impressive!"

Sienna grinned, "Sasha fractured her clavicle on a camping trip in 6th grade. Since then, her shoulder has had a tendency to dislocate. I went with her to a PT session once and the PT taught me how to help her put it back."

"And hasn't it come in handy?!" Beth Reilly nodded with approval.

Sienna shrugged, "No big deal. Although it clearly upset the girlfriend..."

"Not the person I thought Sasha would end up with," Beth mused, looking at Sienna.

"Me neither," muttered Sienna.

Hannah agreed, "Not really sure what Sasha sees in her..."

Sienna moved over to the window as Hannah talked. She looked down and saw Sasha and Anastasia walking out into the parking lot. It looked like they were having a big argument. At that moment, Anastasia looked up and saw Sienna at the window. Anastasia shot Sienna a withering look and pulled Sasha towards her for a deep, passionate kiss.

"Ugh," Sienna turned away from the window. Seth, Hannah and Beth were still chatting away, unaware of what Sienna just saw.

Outside the school, Sasha pushed Anastasia off. "What the hell? One minute you are yelling at me, and then you kiss me?"

Anastasia looked up at the second-floor window and smiled, happy that she'd driven Sienna away. "Sorry, couldn't help myself. Come on, let's go."

Sasha shook her head, "I can't keep up with you. Wait, you want to leave?"

"I'm flying to L.A. tonight, I'd prefer not to be at your high school thing, honestly."

Sasha bit her lip and frowned, "Anastasia, the deal was that I'd take you to the airport after stopping by this thing first."

"We stopped by. I have fulfilled my end of the bargain. Let's go."

"Is this about Sienna? Why does it set you off like this whenever she and I end up in the same place? She's straight and we hardly see each other anymore. It shouldn't be a big deal."

Anastasia eyes flashed, "It is a big deal because you keep saying that."

"What? I keep saying it because both those things are true."

"I don't care if they're true or not. It's a big deal because of what you never say."

Sasha looked at her girlfriend. She sensed that she was on shaky ground, that this was the fight they'd been building up to for a while now, but she didn't know what Anastasia was getting at. "What are you talking about?"

Anastasia glared at Sasha, "All this time, I've been telling you how much I dislike spending time with Sienna, and you always tell me to stop being so threatened because she is straight and you never spend time with her. And you know what's really interesting? You've never once said YOU don't have feelings for her. It's always about how Sienna doesn't have feeling for you. That's why it's a big deal."

Sasha's stomach dropped. Of all the precipices she thought Anastasia was going to push her towards, this was not the one she expected. Feelings for Sienna was something Sasha wouldn't even let herself think about, least of all as a point of argument with Anastasia.

"Fine, let's just go, then." Sasha said in resignation.

Anastasia crossed her arms, "So you DO have feelings for her!"

Sasha's mouth wouldn't work.

"I think we both know what comes next." Anastasia turned and walked to Sasha's truck.

"UGH!" Sasha ran to catch up with Anastasia, "Are you breaking up with me?"

Anastasia paused, her hand on the door handle, "Sasha, I think this has been in the works for months. We've hardly spent any time together since Labor Day. And when we did, we fought. It's fucking exhausting."

"We're just going through a bad patch."

"Sasha, you liked it when she was playing doctor just now. And I saw you guys hugging. You like her. A lot. Even if you don't think it's obvious, it is."

Sasha opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

"You can come pick up your stuff from my place when I get back on the 26th. Just take me into town. I can grab a cab to the airport from there."

Back in the school gym, Sienna watched Sasha's truck peel out of the school parking lot. For the rest of the day, Sienna tried to block out Sasha's early departure from the party, and it wasn't easy. It was like Senior year all over again, when her friendship with Sasha abruptly changed. Every subsequent time together since then just re-opened the wound. Sienna knew she played a role in it; once Valerie was part of the equation, Sienna made no effort to fight for their friendship, preferring to keep her distance and allowing them to drift apart. The mad dash of college-related insanity had redirected her focus most of Senior year, and the excitement of four years in the big city was just enough to muzzle the ever-present tumult of missing her life-long friend.