Lost and Found Ch. 01

"It means a lot to hear that from you," he said, his eyes never leaving her face. "I know people don't like to admit when they were wrong. But you weren't wrong, not exactly. Things like this take time."

"They didn't for you," she said. She stared at his reflection on the glassy surface of the table. It was easier than looking at the real thing, the real man who she had lost. "They happened all at once for you. You left. I could have left."

He shrugged.

"You don't know very much about my past," he said. "Besides, there's no need to compare us. We're two very different people."

"Yes," she said stiffly.

"So I suppose, with a new apartment, there's a dearth of furniture in your life," he said, pivoting the subject.

"Yes." She found it in herself to laugh a little. "We found a couch and a table on the side of the road. Tori ordered two beds... queen-sized beds... but they haven't arrived yet. Besides that, we don't have much. But we're having a housewarming party this Sunday afternoon, so I'm sure we'll get some knickknacks from that, plus we'll go to Target and at least buy some chairs and shelves... or something."

She flicked her eyes up to his, realizing suddenly how much she had spoken. Should she have been surprised? It had always been like that with him. She'd opened up. He'd opened her up. And then cut her heart in two, leaving it with a permanent scar.

"Well, that sounds like fun," he said. He pressed himself up from the table. "It's been a pleasure, Lila. Let me see you to the elevator."

"Thank you," she said, beginning to gather up her things. She felt stupid again. He'd tired of her blabbering, of course. He was a busy man, had been then and still was now. This was just another reason why things never would have worked between them. He never would have had enough time for her.

He always made time for you, whispered a little voice in the back of her mind, but she brushed it away, slinging her letter bag back over her shoulder. She followed Cameron out of the conference room and back down the hall to reception, where they found the room quiet, the receptionist away from her post.

"Well, I guess this is it," Lila said as they reached the elevators.

Cameron hit the button. Down. She was going down. And her heart was falling down, too, drawn after a space of two years back to this man and back to the night everything had fallen apart.

"For the record," he said. He leaned toward her, and she caught a whiff of his cologne, that dizzying, intoxicating smell. His eyes were serious. "You were right about a lot of things, too. But it's all in the past now."

Behind her, the elevator doors slid open. Lila backed in, her feet moving of their own accord. He nodded at her.

"Goodbye, Lila," he said.

Their eyes locked. It felt like something final. It was either the beginning of something, or the end of something, or both rolled into one. There had never been a goodbye, not on that night. Not a real one.

"Goodbye, Cameron," she said softly, the moment before the doors slid shut between them.

When Lila got back to the apartment, she let herself in, threw her keys down on the kitchen table, and curled up on the couch and cried, sobs wracking her body. All of the emotions she'd pressed down for months -- no, for years -- came welling up inside her and spilled out, until she felt like a puddle on the floor. She didn't know whether Cameron had done this to her, or whether she had done this to herself. At the end of the day, it didn't matter. Once the initial surge had blown itself out, she lay on her back fighting new tears and stared at the ceiling, imagining him going through the rest of his day. He would not weep. She didn't even know if he could cry, whether tears were a realistic possibility with him. She doubted it.

She sat up. She had come to a realization: that her tears came more out of an overwhelming feeling of catharsis than out of grief, or any other emotion. It was as if something had been sealed between them, the chapter in the past closed. A new chapter opened? She struggled to parse through her feelings. Did she want a new chapter? Could she imagine something more with him? Had she been wanting him all this time?

He'd looked so good. And their conversation, once it had gotten over some opening bumps, had flowed easily.

She had been alone for about an hour, mulling it over, when Tori came in.

"Oh, Lila," she said when she saw Lila on the couch, and rushed over. "What happened? Did it go badly?"

"No." Lila sniffed, managing a watery smile. "It went well. Cameron is putting in a good word for you to Jake Finnegan. I'm afraid you're going to have to meet Jake yourself. There was no point in a meeting between two proxies."

"Cameron?" Tori stared. "He was supposed to be -- "

"Halfway to New York, yes." Lila sniffed again. "He said it himself. You weren't wrong. It seems he and Jake switched places at last minute."

"The rogue! How could he have known? I didn't inform anyone you'd be coming instead of me!"

"No, it wasn't on purpose." Lila rolled onto her side and stared at the opposite wall. "Just chance. Stupid, happy chance."

Tori sat cross-legged on the floor, silent for a moment.

"Jump scare, or serendipity?" she asked eventually.

"I don't know. How am I supposed to know?" A burst of nervous laughter escaped Lila's mouth. "My God, he looked exactly the same."

"You mean he looked good."

"Yeah, he looked good. I told him so."

"You told him so?" Tori's jaw dropped. "What were you thinking? You don't want to give the man the wrong idea. Unless -- Are you seriously considering having him back in your life?"

"No." Lila sat up, pulling their only throw pillow into her lap and squeezing it tightly. "I have given it zero consideration. He told me first. I felt as if I had to say something. Reciprocate, I mean. Honesty is the best policy, isn't it?"

"Not when it comes to ex-lovers like him," Tori said darkly. "Well, all's well that ends well. Here's to you not seeing him again for another two years, unless it's what you want. Maybe you should consider it. It's not as if you've wanted to see anyone else. Ask Jonas Keaton -- he would know."

"Just drop it about Jonas," Lila said tiredly. She picked herself up. "I've been moping long enough. How was your final?"

"Swell. I'm pretty sure I aced it. But it was open-book, so I'm probably not the only one." Tori grinned at her, hopping up off the floor. "Shall we crack open the champagne? My dad dropped it off yesterday afternoon while you were at work."

"Sure," Lila said.

She got drunk, though it was still early in the day. They both did. Eventually, she crawled into her bedroom and passed out on her cot. She woke sometime in the evening, with the orange light of dusk splashed across the walls of her room. The window was open, letting in a warm spring breeze that brought with it the smell of cherry blossoms and memories.

Suddenly, tears rose in her throat, a sudden swell that knocked her back. She lay staring up at the ceiling, thrown completely off balance. She was haunted. She knew now that no matter how long and how hard she tried to escape her past -- and the man who had defined it -- she would never be whole again. Not without him. But being with him carried the possibility of breaking into a thousand pieces all over again, perhaps irrecoverably so. She saw no obvious answer, no clear path, no way forward.

She curled up on her side, in fetal position, a terrible pain blooming in her chest. The worst of it, yet also the best, was that she had done this to herself. She had chosen this. He had wanted her to stay. He had tried to force her to stay. She could still remember the feeling of his hands on her legs, holding her in place. So frightening, yet even then she had still admired him for his passion. How he had begged her to stay. How she had fought him. How she had cast him aside with a single word, the only word that had meant anything to him in those moments, those terrible, breathless, heart-stopping moments. Her life was meaningless now, flat like it had been before he had swept her off her feet. He had given her the best and the worst of everything on a silver platter. Back then she had viewed separating from him as the best way forward, but now she saw it as a decision neither here nor there.

He had told her that she had made him feel things he had never felt before. She had scoffed at what she'd seen as empty words. Only now did she understand, and now she truly believed him, and it was a terrible weight to bear.

"Lila?" Tori's voice pressed through her bedroom door. It swung open, a line of golden light creeping across the floorboards, bathing the emptiness of the room. Lila curled into herself. Her friend came to her and stroked her hair, the damp tendrils still unwinding from their curls.

"It's okay, baby," Tori whispered, leaning over her. "It's going to be okay."

"How can it?" Lila whispered back. She sucked in her tears, her breath a mournful whistle from her chest. "It's like you said back then. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I threw it all away."

"If you really believe that, then you should see him again." Tori squeezed her hand. "I know it's scary. But that man was crazy for you. He'll take you back."

"He's probably moved on." Lila's tears flowed freely. "Besides, I can't... debase myself like that. I made my bed. Now I have to sleep in it."

"Nonsense." Tori let a little frustrated noise out of the back of her throat. "It kills me to see you this way. You need to think about it, at least. You can't keep shutting it out. You still have feelings for the man. Admit it."

"I still have feelings for him," Lila whispered. She gave a watery snort. "Of course I do. Anyone would. He gave me my first kiss. My first everything. He took my virginity."

"And no one's touched you since. Come on, Lila, face it. Today was the last straw. You want him back in your life."

"I don't know."

Lila turned her head to the side, away from her friend. Outside, the sun slunk lower in the western sky, just visible between houses. Silent tears spilled down her cheeks, shaking her body. After a moment Tori gave her hand a parting squeeze and slipped back out of the room, leaving her alone again. She watched the newly-budded boughs of the backyard maple dance in the breeze. It was spring. The same time of year Cameron had come into her life and left his indelible mark on her story.

It had been two years, and now she was back where it had ended. Alone in gathering darkness.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Some setup is required to get this series rolling (and I tend to get fidgety about beginnings, which leads to lots of editing...), so bear with me. I will start working on the next chapter soon, so look out for it! As always, any feedback is appreciated, and thank you so much for reading! Until next time. ❤️