Lost & Found Pt. 01

Another Wednesday night, another after dark walk of shame to the recycling bins beside the condo complex to get rid of a load of empty liquor bottles, beer cans and frozen pizza boxes. I flipped back the cover and was about to pick up my box, when the door I had just come through opened. Dominique, the lady who lives directly under me stepped out with a garbage bag in one hand and a small bin whose contents looked eerily similar to mine, just on a smaller scale.

I must have scared her, dropping her bin as she gasped, then exhaling when she realized I wasn't a street person raiding for cans.

"Jesus Jason, you scared the living daylights out of me!" she said, regaining her composure.

I bent down and started collecting the bottles and cardboard from the ground. "Sorry, Dominique, I didn't mean to frighten you."

She joined me in the cleanup. "I've told you before, call me Dom. I thought I was the only one trying to hide her evidence of Covid drinking in the shadows. Looks like you guys have been hitting the sauce too. Now I don't feel as bad," she said, nodding towards my bin.

I froze up and bowed my head a bit embarrassed. "Actually, worse, this is all me. Natalie left me a couple of months ago."

Dominique stood up. "Oh no, Jason. I'm sorry. I knew she went to look after her Mom at Christmas, but what happened?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but this was the first time I would be relating the tale to someone other than my family, and trying a couple of times, couldn't settle on a way to start and just exhaled. Dominique stepped in, and put her arms around my shoulders and pulled my head into her sweater. I'm 6'2" and Dom Is around 4'8", so with me still squatting, it was a comfortable fit. I realized it was the first time somebody had touched me in months.

"It's okay Jay. Don't. Let's get this cleaned up and get back inside." I nodded. We dumped he bins and headed inside. On the stairs she turned to me, "You are working from home right?" I had my own Online Content Consulting business, so while there was technically an office, it was just me and two employees who had been primarily remote even before the pandemic. With the way the economy was tanking, it wouldn't make much sense to hang onto a physical address much longer. I had room to redo the extra bedroom as a full office now that Natalie had cleared out all her things.

"Yeah. Trying to 9 to 5 it, but sometimes having work to do makes the evenings pass quicker" I replied.

"Mmhh. I'm remote too. After the first lock down, the lady who was the main purchaser for the Library retired early. I just go in on Thursday afternoons, for a team meeting and to do some faxing." Silence spread between us, like a picnic blanket floating to the ground after being shaken out. I was really out of shape as far as having in person conversations go. "Listen, Jason, I know I've only met you a few times, I knew Natalie better, but do you want to come up for a coffee or a tea and tell me what happened? It might feel good to talk it out. My place is more comfortable than on the ground in the alley." Dom raised one eyebrow as a physical question mark.

I thought it over and concluded that when Covid and the lock downs were finally over, it was a story that I was bound to have to repeat a few times. I might as well start close to home. "Sure, that would be nice. But I don't want to impose if you were headed off to bed soon..."

"Nope. I'm usually up for a couple of more hours. To be honest, I'm kind of jonesing for social interaction. But I promise to be a good listener." With that, she turned and started back up the stairs. I kept my head down, not wanting to get caught checking out her ass.

I had met Dom a few days after we moved into the building in the spring of 2018, so about two and a half years ago. Before that, I had only seen her from behind and mistook her for a teenager. Tiny, huge backpack, oversized beanie. She was actually in her mid-thirties, a Librarian and had an androgynous quality to her that her sense of style only reinforced. She had hazel/green eyes, jet black hair cut very short and never styled, small thin lips and a nose that was just a little too big in the tip and nostrils, looking out of place with the rest of her slight features. She had a habit of smiling closed lip while listening to you, and that could come off as annoying if you didn't pay attention to the fact that those green eyes were smiling too. Her dress code tended towards grunge/ goth. Lots of short black skirts with black tights or nylons, flannel shirts over t shirts, eye and lip make up always just enough to remind you she put in the effort, but not enough to make her look like she was on the hunt.

We have always greeted each other warmly and made small talk, but never got into anything resembling a conversation. Once in a while, Natalie would be a bit later getting home from work and would say she had bumped into Dom in the hallway and talked for a bit. They always talked comfortably with each other, just that Natalie wasn't really the type to make friends easily. Acquaintances yes, friends not really. She never had that gang of girls that she went out with, or the bff to go to dinners with. She just didn't forge relationships like that.

As we entered her apartment, I was surprised by the decor of her living space. I guess, in my mind I had been expecting band posters, maybe a gaming system, maybe a cat habitat. Instead, from the kitchen and into the main living area, everything tastefully decorated in earth tones, different shades of brown to accentuate the shelving units containing many plants and of course, more books. No cheap Ikea stuff here. Even all the shelving units were real wood, stained and varnished. There was no formal dining area, I assumed she just used the breakfast bar stools. The sofas were big and brown, of an older style, but looked to not be too worn, and also comfy as hell. They faced each other, about six feet apart with four end tables flanking them, and a coffee table almost as long as the sofas between them.

"Wow. This is really nice, Dominique. Those built-ins are stunning," I said, marveling at how this felt like a home not a condo.

"Yeah. My Dad and brother are both carpenters, so they fixed me up with those as a housewarming present. There are more in the office. I have a problem letting go of books, as you can tell." She moved to the kitchen. "Coffee, tea, hot chocolate?" she asked plugging in the kettle.

"What are you having?"

"I was thinking a Chai?"

"Sounds good. Thank you." I made my way to the living room and perused the bookshelves. Bigger format and huge tomes on the bottom reference and cookbooks center stage, with paperbacks and novels up top.

"So how did it go for Natalie's Mom? It was colon cancer, right?" Dom asked, pulling mugs out of a drawer and dropping tea bags into them.

"Yeah. She found out just before Christmas last year. Natalie headed out to help look after her through her chemo treatments. She's doing well last I heard. I talked to Natalie a couple of weeks ago".

"Has she been out there the whole time?"

"She came back in July when the airfares went back down to pack up her stuff. Just for two days", I said then pointed to one of the sofas letting her take her choice (everyone has a favorite). She motioned to the one closest to the kitchen and I took a seat, as she poured the water into the mugs.

Dominique came around and set a tea down on the coffee table in front of me and hers at the other end, sitting beside me I subconsciously slid all the way to the arm.

Dom slid into her corner, lifted her legs up onto the sofa, and pulled her knees up under her chin, wrapping her arms around her legs. "Okay. So? What happened in between. I mean I live underneath you, I never heard any arguing or drama."

"No, there didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary. The first couple of weeks after she went to Cali, we would talk every two days and message a couple of times a day. Once her mom started treatment, it slowed down to a message a day and a quick call every five days. I chalked it up to the long days of treatment, stress and the time difference. She had taken a two month leave of absence at work. So, by the first week of February, I called her to ask her when she was going to be back. She was evasive. She didn't know if her Mom was strong enough for her to leave just yet, they were waiting on follow up appointments, she would have to see. I texted her to wish her a happy St. Valentines the morning of the 14th but didn't get a reply or a call by the time I went to sleep. The next day all I got was a 'you too' reply. I felt something was off so I called her." I took a sip of my tea. Mmmhhh. "Thank you. Great choice. This is wonderful." She smiled and tried hers.

"I asked her what was going on and she told me that she was really down and that seeing her mom so frail and fragile had brought up a lot of memories of when she was a kid and her Mom had struggled with depression after her Dad had left. She said she couldn't wait for her mom to get her strength back and be her old self again. I told her I loved her and that we should try to talk in person, like on camera more often. That talking through things might be good for her. She said maybe and then wrapped up the call saying she was exhausted."

"Well the skypes never really happened, back to text excuses that she was tired then Covid hit in March. The same week a letter from work had showed up for Nat. I told her about it and asked if she wanted me to open it. She said no, she had already dealt with it by email. I asked her what she had 'dealt with' and she told me she had extended her leave by two more months. I was shocked. She hadn't discussed it or mentioned it to me."

"How did that make you feel?" Dom asked, brows knotted, sympathetic.

"It hurt. I asked her when she was going to let me know. There was a long silence. Then she dropped the bomb. She told me she didn't know if she was coming back. I was completely blindsided. I asked her what the hell she was talking about."

"She asked me not to raise my voice, and said that she had been working on a letter to me to explain everything but that now the work letter forced her hand. She wanted me to hear her out." I stopped for more tea. Dominique was wide eyed.

I told Dom what I had related to you dear reader earlier about Natalie not forming relationships like other people. "Even at our wedding, her maid of honor was her cousin and a coworker was her bridesmaid. They and her Mom were Natalie's only guests. Part of it was us doing the wedding here back east, but some of it was just her not having friends. Outside of me and work, you may have been one of her closest contacts."

Dom was shaking her head." And I have talked to her for what, maybe an hour total over the past two years?"

"Yup. So, she continues to tell me that being back home and away from me made her realize that she didn't really miss me. That she didn't find herself thinking of what I might be doing, when I might be free for a call. That made her question if she was really in love with me, or if she just didn't want to be alone. These thoughts were what had been bringing her down and troubling her."

"I asked her if she had come to an answer. Then she told me she had requested a transfer to San Fran at work. Natalie told me she felt like she wasn't wired like everybody else and she didn't know if she could love, let somebody in that close. And she didn't think that it was fair to me, leeching years away from me, when I could be looking for someone that could truly love me back."

"Wow. That is a lot to dump on someone out of the blue. How did you respond?" Dom asked, getting up off the sofa and heading to the kitchen.

"I asked her what I had done to make her unhappy. Why hadn't she talked to me about these feelings before? I even panicked and asked her if she had met somebody in Paolo Alto." Dominique set glasses on the counter and was splashing liberal amounts of Kraken over ice. She popped the cap on a bottle of ginger beer and split it between the glasses.

Returning to the couch, she passed one to me. "We left tea territory ten minutes ago. I'm only part way into this tale and I need a drink. I can't imagine what you were going through."

I took a good gulp of the Dark and Stormy and set it down. "Natalie told me she had not met someone else, and wasn't interested in meeting someone. She said that she felt like she had a lot of work to do on her, and that it would be better to do that if she wasn't trying to juggle navigating a relationship, or fixing a marriage at the same time."

"I asked her if that meant she wouldn't be open to marriage counseling!? Then she told me that she really felt like I was not understanding that she was doing this as much to set me free to have a chance at a happy life while I was still relatively young. That she didn't want me to waste another 7 or 8 years battling to keep this together, if emotionally all her cards were already on the table."

Dominique took a big drink and threw her head back. "What an absolute mind fuck. She had compartmentalized everything and packed in the whole relationship of... How many years?"

"Seven and change." I replied

"Seven years into a box and was shelving it. Jason, I'm so sorry. When was this?"

"Mid March. About seven months ago. I tried having conversations with her for a while, then, she stopped taking my calls. In July, she had me served with divorce papers and showed up two days later to pack her things. She signed the condo over to me since I had put the down payment down through a loan from my parents that I'm paying back. And then she was... gone."

We were both a bit teary eyed and I raised my glass to Dom, clinked mine to hers and said "To love!"

"To Love!" she said, draining her glass like a champ, considering hers had still been 3/4 full. "I hope I didn't make you pull off the scab too soon. C'mere, let's hug it out." She got to her knees and crawled over as I turned towards her. She slid her arms around me, one low, the other one over the opposite shoulder. A bro hug. I pulled her tight, catching the scent of her hair, reminding me how long it had been with no physical contact. Now two hugs in one night.

I exhaled the breath I had been holding. "You know, I just realized that I told my parents and brother about the split, but I glossed it over, saying we were just different people going different places. That was the first time I've told the tale all in one go. Sorry to dump on you." Dom pulled out of the hug and gave me one of those questioning looks.

"Are you kidding? You have nothing to be sorry about, to anyone. You have been trying to function all spring and summer with that bottled up inside you. I went through a break up ten years ago over infidelity. I was fucked up for a year because I thought I wasn't woman enough to keep my man happy." Dom paused. "I can't imagine the rabbit holes your mind went down. Was it really that Natalie was incapable of love? Did she think it was you, who was unlovable? How long had she been playing the charade? Sharing is going to be a big step in your healing. Do you miss her, knowing all you do now?"

"You know, I have been asking all those questions. I miss waking up and hearing someone breathing beside me, letting me know that I'm not alone in the world. I miss having the feeling of partnership. I love Natalie, I still love her, but it wasn't a great passionate love, no one was taking anybody's breath away. The sex was good, in a loving way, but there was never a primal side to it, Natalie didn't 'let go'. Everything was always controlled. All the time. Safe. I miss feeling the reassurance of being safe with Nat. And of keeping her safe. Of being responsible for her safety and happiness. But, the more time that passes, the more I see that maybe I was in love with the relationship and not with Natalie."

"How did that feel? Just putting that all together in one thought bubble. Because the look on your face says you just pushed through a door. Do you want another drink?" Dom asked, pushing one leg off the sofa and half standing.

"It did feel good. As for the drink, I do, but I won't. I've taken up enough of your evening. Thank you for being a gracious host and sounding board. You were right about it feeling good to get that all out of my head and off my chest. I really needed that." As she stood and collected the glasses, I rose and started to head for the door.

I turned to say good night and Dom was right behind me. She smiled. "Listen, the Pandemic has really taken a toll on everybody and we have all lost part of our ability to be social. We are going to have to re-learn it. How would you like to be a bubble buddy?"

"Sure. What did you have in mind?" I asked, intrigued. I had never had a real solo conversation with this woman before this evening, and then I poured my heart out all over her. I was comfortable with her.

"If you need to talk or need some interaction call me or come down, I'll do the same. I'm suggesting a couple of times a week. Coffee, a drink, cards, dinner. Anything. Something. It's going to be winter again soon and we are going to be cooped up. We need to get out."

I nodded "Yeah that sounds good. Let me give you my number." She went to get her phone. I noticed she had a definite sway to her slim hips that she hadn't had on the way up to the apartment. I told myself I was just imagining things because of being alone for so long.

Dom returned and I gave her my digits. My phone pinged within seconds, I assumed she had texted me to give me her number.

"There. I'll go first. I was thinking of texting a couple of friends to see if they wanted to go for a hike at the state park up by Thurmont this Saturday. Would you be interested? Two hour hike, hour drive each way. Bring a lunch and water. Not a date. No stress, no strings. What do you say?" She offered a hand palm up and passed me an imaginary ball.

It took me less time than it did for her to raise her hand to come up with ten excuses why I couldn't go. The fact that it was that quick proved her point about having to learn how to be social. "Okay. Yeah. That sounds fun." Who just agreed to that? Did I say that out loud? "What are the trails like? Boots or runners?

Dom was mime clapping her hands in front of her. "Yay! Boots if you want, but you can definitely do the trail in sneakers. Bring a sweater for the hike up because it will be in shade on the North side before the sun gets around. How does 10 AM exit sound?"

"Sounds good. It will keep me from using the liquor life jacket on Friday night. I hope I can keep up with you. Thanks again for tonight. Goodnight Dom."

"You're welcome. See you Saturday." I opened and stepped through the door, closing it behind me. My smile was so big it hurt. Making new friends and getting out of the condo is exactly what I needed. I checked my phone for the text and saw the time. Almost eleven. Time to hit the sack. Sleep came easy for the first time in a long while.

When I woke on Thursday, I felt more refreshed than I had in months. I got a lot accomplished work wise by noon and spent some time making a grocery and household supplies shopping list. I sketched out a meal plan for the week, and vowed to get through a week with no frozen food or delivery. Maybe next week I would see about hitting the gym in the building a couple of mornings. Time to get rid of the quarantine fifteen.

Last night, Dominique asked me if what Natalie had done made me think I was unlovable. In my head I thought 'I don't even like me'. Time to get myself back to someone I love. At four, I went to the mall and did groceries, hit Walmart for cleaning supplies and a small backpack for Saturday. From 5:30 until 9 I cleaned the place top to bottom. At nine I made a salad with some crackers and hummus on the side. While looking around my space, I realized just how sterile and impersonal this place was compared to Dom's apartment. There wasn't really anything that made the space mine. I added a remodel to the list of winter projects.