Lost and Found Spouses

Allan and I went in to see them and we sat down for a chat, this time a more serious one.

Julie did most of the talking, though tears. "We feel like we have lost our whole lives and our families. All the children call you mum and dad, but us, they call by our first names like they are not ours, and legally, they are not ours anymore. We have lost our houses, so where will we live? We have lost our jobs, what will we do? We have lost both of you too and you are married to each other now. How are we ever going to go back to our life as it was? There is nothing left for us. How can we sort out the mess we are all in? We sometimes wish we had never come home."

I responded, "Allan and I have been doing some thinking about this as well. We definitely don't have all the answers, but think about this. Before you left we were two families that were very very close. When we lost you two guys we got even closer and blended those two families into one big family. Nothing needs to change any time soon. When you two come home you will be part of our new one big family, all of us together. As for the kids, remember that they went through a very traumatic event losing you. They had a big adjustment to make to their lives back then, and are now having to cope now with another huge readjustment. Just give them time. We know there are literally hundreds of things to sort out, some of them are pretty big. With good will and love we can do it, I'm sure. We have come this far and are not giving up on you two, so don't give up on us."

"So what will happen now," asked Matt.

"Well when you come home in a week or two you are going to move back into YOUR new family home. We will then start with problem number one and just slowly work through them all, together, one at a time until we get to the end."

They seemed a bit more relieved hearing this from us.

Their psychologist told us later not to worry too much, as this outpouring had been a necessary mental step for them in coming to terms with the new reality.

Allan and I had discussed what may happen in the future between the two of us: Would we stay together or would we separate and return to or original partners. On the one hand, we loved each other and had committed to each other and had been married, we thought, for the last four years. On the other hand, I still loved Matt and Allan still loved Julie and we were probably still legally married to them. Would Matt and Julie even want us to return to being their partners if we did? We decided that with our baby on the way we should just keep things as they were for now until we could all figure out what to do.

The big day came when they returned home. Not to their old homes of course but to their lovely new home which overlooked the ocean.

After a viewing of the upper floors and having a coffee, Allan and I led them downstairs to the guest area where there was a self contained living area with own bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living area.

I said, "I know we haven't discussed 'sleeping arrangements' yet, but we thought maybe starting with how things have been for all of us for the last four years would be best, at least for now, while we figure out where we are all going. We are putting you down here for starters so you can have your own space when you need it while you re-integrate with the family.

Matt said, "We have been really worried about how this will all work out, it's very hard to comprehend everything that has happened. Makes my head spin."

"And ours too Matt."

Up to now Matt and I had little physical contact since his return and we had both felt a bit awkward around each other. This time I gave him a big hug and said, "we will make it work, it can't be any harder than when you two supposedly died."

It was no wonder they felt a bit lost, hell I was completely emotionally conflicted. I had lost the love of my life, fell in love again with my male best friend, married him, and had his child with another on the way. Then the love of my life returns with another woman. I was confused about how I felt about both Allan and Matt. Did I still love Matt? Could I ever love two men? In quiet moments I also wondered how this was ever going to work.

In bed at night I talked to Allan about this and he was equally conflicted and clueless about what to do.

The kids too were also disturbed. We had been their parents for four years now and the youngest was only nine back then. They had grieved and moved on, only to have their world turned upside down. I had suggested they start with thinking of Matt and Julie as their god-parents to start with, and see where it went from there.

It wasn't just the emotional problems which beset us, the legal ones piled on as well due to dead people coming back to life. It meant the undoing of Allan and my marriage which was annulled by the court. We were still actually legally married to our original spouses. Their estates which had gone to us in their wills were reversed. This was tricky as the main assets, our houses, had been sold and the proceeds used to partly fund our new house which was in Allan and my name. Then there was the child adoptions which even the court couldn't figure out and had suggested we mediate and come back with a solution. Sigh!

They say time heals and that is partly true.

The children were starting to accept Matt and Julie as co-parents though they still came to Allan and me with their larger issues.

Matt and Julie were still getting Psychological counselling for PTSD and were improving. They were looking forward to going back to their old teaching jobs starting part-time.

Allan and I were slowly rebuilding personal bonds with Matt and Julie, though our 'sleeping arrangements' had not changed. We had settled into living together as two couples but weirdly separate from the ones were actually legally married too. We had just 'parked' the big issue of whether we would actually return to our legal spouses. We all gave each other hugs and were getting on well, though I sensed undercurrents of unease. My baby bulge was also growing rapidly and I was past half way there. I often caught Matt looking at my baby bulge with a sad expression when he thought I wasn't looking at him.

One day Matt and Julie came home from their regular appointment with their Psychologist. They asked to talk to us privately. They were both sitting together looking very uncomfortable and asked us to sit down as well.

Matt said, "We have been talking to our psychologist about an issue that has been tearing us up for a long time. He thinks we need to talk about it with you."

"Okay."

"Well it's about the fact that Julie and I had an affair."

"Well I can speak for Allan too, because we have discussed it, we really do understand and are cool about it. You two would have needed each other both emotionally and physically to survive in North Korea for four years. We are really glad you did what you did. We would probably have done the same. So there is no need to keep worrying about it."

Matt said, "that's not why we are feeling so guilty. The truth is our affair started before we left for North Korea."

Julie said, "we are so sorry we betrayed your trust. Our guilt has been eating us up for years.

Allan asked, "how long Julie."

"About a year before we went to North Korea."

It was my and Allan's turn to be at a total loss for words. We had trusted them absolutely and now to find this out, it was shattering and hard to take, even though it was a long time ago.

Finally I said fairly coolly, "well thank you both for confessing. I really don't know what to say at the moment other than I am terribly disappointed in you both. I want to think about how I feel before I say anything else."

With that I left the room crying and Allan followed me. He tried to talk to me but I told him I needed to be alone for a while and left the house and walked along the beach for an hour.

I was sitting on the shore contemplating 'life, the universe and everything' when there was a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and it was Matt. He sat down next to me.

"I fucked up didn't I?"

"You sure did."

"I am so sorry Sue."

"I don't understand how you could do it to us, we trusted you so much."

"I know you did, we betrayed you."

"Whatever possessed you to do it then?"

"Well you know we had become very close to each other's partners, and I admit I was attracted to Julie and she was to me, but we didn't want to stray. Well one night when we were alone together, you two had gone out somewhere, we had far too much to drink and it lowered my inhibitions and hers, and it just happened. It's no excuse I know."

"What about the rest of the times after that."

"That's the part I am most guilty about. We should have stopped but didn't. I guess we had fallen for each other. I thought I could have you and Julie both and nobody would be the wiser and get hurt."

"Really? You were so stupid to think you could get away with that."

"I know it was really dumb."

"You Love her don't you?"

"Yes I do, but I still love you too, very much too."

"Bit hard to believe."

"It's true. I missed you incredibly while we were apart. It wasn't until we were locked up away from you two that we both realised how much we had screwed up. We promised each other that if we ever got out of there we would end our affair."

"Things have ended up very weird, huh."

"That's for sure, we expected to come back to you both and just continue on with life like it was before. It's been hard seeing you with Allan and being so happy together."

"And me pregnant?"

He nodded, then reached out and put his hand on my belly and felt the baby kick inside.

"Come on take me home. I still haven't forgiven you though."

He helped me up then we walked back to our house with Matt holding my arm.

"What can I do to be forgiven?"

"At the moment, travelling back in time and not starting the affair with Julie is the only option I can think of. I will probably be angry for a while and then give in and forgive you."

"Do you think we will ever get back together Sue?" I shrugged noncommittally.

As we walked back I realised this was my first really serious conversation with Matt since his return. It was long overdue. We had been avoiding the big issues but they were now squarely on the table and needing resolution.

It was a quiet night at home. Allan was still really angry with both Julie and Matt and hardly spoke to either of them.

Later that night in bed I soothed Allan's anger by some lovemaking with me on top, gently riding him until he came inside me. Then, when he was spent, we talked about today's revelation on top of everything else.

"I am angry like you Allan, but it was a long time ago and so much has happened since then. It's not possible to undo all the events that happened back then or since. We just need to deal with the here and now and leave the past in the past."

"What are you saying?"

"We have to forgive them and move on my darling husband."

"I'm not your husband."

"You don't think you are getting away from me that easily do you? You just 'knock me up' while my husband is away, then use the convenient ploy of his return as an excuse to take off and leave me holding the baby."

He laughed at my weak attempt at humour.

Then he said more seriously, "does that mean you want to stay with me and not go back to Matt?"

"Yea it does. I think I knew it deep down all along, but came to accept that fully realisation today. I still love Matt, but I have moved on and you are my No. 1 now."

He kissed me passionately in return. "I feel the same way about you. I still love Julie as well, but you have my heart. But, I am still angry with them both."

I made him hard again with my mouth and then climbed on him again.

"Let's talk to them tomorrow, but in the meantime I can see you need some more anger release."

The next morning we had another long chat with Mike and Julie.

I started. "We have slept on it over night and we will forgive you both for cheating even though we are still cross with you. The important thing we also realised is that Allan and I have grown to love each other deeply and we are committed to each other for the long term. Added to that, there is Emma now and the baby on the way. We really did move on and it is just not possible to go back to what things once were. It was a hard decision because we still love you two very much and don't want to hurt you. But I think if you two are honest with each other, you also moved on as well a long time ago. You have been in an intimate relationship for more than four years now."

Matt said, "maybe you are right. Maybe we are more driven by a sense of responsibility and guilt than reality. It all does suck though."

"Well look at the bright side, if I had found out you two were cheating on us four years ago, which would have happened, I would have dumped your sorry asses on the street and we wouldn't be talking now."

Julie asked, "what happens from now?"

"Allan said, well we have a proposal for you. We go back to just like it was before except we have just swapped No. 1 and No. 2s spouses around. We will all be just as close, probably closer as we were before you left. The difference is now we will stay together as one family and all live here. It means we all have good access to all our children and they don't get disturbed again. Much better for them than trying to shuffle between us."

I said, "besides, we do love you both and want you around. You were away far too long and we missed you terribly. So what do you think?"

Mike and Julie looked at each other for a while, then turned back and nodded at us. "Let's give it a try," said Matt.

I walked over to Matt and gave him a big lingering hug and whispered, "good to have you back." Allan did the same to Julie, then I gave Julie a hug.

Gradually over the next few months we settled back into the old routine, and I got ever closer to my delivery date.

We were all gradually getting as close or closer as we had been before they went away to Korea. When I thought about that time before Korea, I realised that the decisions we had unwittingly made back then to allow each other to become extremely close with our No. 2 husbands and wives had set us up to stray. In those circumstances we were all bound to be unfaithful eventually, it was just a matter of who was first. I know I had been terribly tempted as well. It was even more dangerous now as we acknowledged we still loved the No. 2s and had been in intimate relationships with them before. Would it be cheating anyway to have sex with someone you were legally still married to? I didn't want that poison of infidelity to affect our family again. I also didn't want to separate our one big family to avoid it, but what to do?

About six weeks away from my due date, sex with Allan was by then off the agenda. I knew he was suffering withdrawal symptoms and he would have to be celibate for many months more.

I had a thought that could solve all our problems.

I sat down alone with Matt and said, "remember you asked me a while back what you could do so that I would forgive your cheating and I didn't know."

"Yes"

"Well I have thought of something if you are game."

"Will I like this?"

"I am not sure, probably not at first anyway."

"Okay, what is it then."

"Let Julie take care of Allan while I am out of action for sex."

For 20 seconds he looked like a deer caught in a car's headlights.

"Did Allan ask for this?"

"He doesn't know yet, neither does Julie."

"Shit Sue, that's a big ask."

"Really Matt! If I remember correctly there was a time before you went to North Korea that both you and Allen were having sex with Julie. So what is the difference?"

He had no comeback to that: Checkmate!

"Anyway I will make it worthwhile for you Matt."

"How."

"You get my 100 percent complete forgiveness for cheating on me. That's worth it isn't it?"

"Maybe."

"Only maybe?"

"Well it's a lot to take in. Also, things have been going so well between us all I don't want to screw everything up."

"Matt, we have all been very close to each other for a long time and always helped each other out. This is just extending the help a bit more."

"You must love Allen to do this."

"Yes I do Matt, very much, and I still love you very much too."

I gave him a sweet kiss and then said, "do it for me please."

He looked a bit miserable, but then said, "Okay."

""Thanks Matt. Don't say anything to them yet. I will go talk to Julie first."

"What am I supposed to do while it's happening?"

"Well just suck it in soldier and go jerk off or whatever," I grinned back. "Me, I will be sleeping peacefully."

"You always did know how to punish me in an excruciating way when I did wrong."

"Well learn you lesson and don't ever be a naughty boy again," I grinned.

I gave him a huge hug and after holding each other for a while I said, "Anyway Matt, this is not meant to be punishment. If I had wanted to punish you I would have you tied to a chair and make you watch."

"You are so cheeky Julie. If you weren't pregnant I would put you over my knee and spank your bare ass."

I smiled back, "you will have to keep that for later," then went to find Julie.

Julie was shocked as well when I asked her.

"You really want this Sue?"

"Absolutely, I wouldn't have asked otherwise."

After thinking about it for a while she said, "If I agree to do it I am worried you will regret it after and hate me."

"I promise I won't hate you after. Anyway you will have both of them tending your sexual needs at once so it will be just like old times," I laughed.

She looked mortified.

"I am just teasing you Julie, it's okay really.

"Don't, I still feel guilty about what happened before. If I did this it would be like doing that again and I would feel even guiltier."

"No Julie. This way there is no need for guilt Julie You would have my blessing, and Matt is Okay too.

How did you persuade him?

"Twisted his arm by promising to fully forgive him for his misdeeds."

"Matt still loves you."

"I know, and I still love him too. I know you still love Allen and he you as well."

"Matt and I screwed everything didn't we Sue?

"No I disagree, it wasn't all your fault. We got so close to each other's partners we were all bound to stray sometime, it was just you two who were first. It could easily have been Allan and me. Maybe we should have taken this sharing step this back then so there was no need for deception and guilt."

"Really, sharing the guys! How do you know this will work out?"

"I don't, but we are all becoming close again and I don't was us to repeat past mistakes. This way it's all in the open and guilt free. We will just have to be careful not to have any jealousy."

"Aren't you worried a bit?"

"I will just have to trust you to borrow Allan not keep him. I really want Allan to be happy and he misses sex a lot, as you would know. So this is an ideal solution for now. We can just see if it works. Will you do it for me please Julie?"

She agreed and we both had a hug and cried.

This was going to be cathartic for us all.

Now the difficult part, to convince Allan.

It was Allan's birthday in three days so I put my plan for a surprise present into action. We had a big family party with the kids. Later, when they were all in bed, Sue made some excuse and disappeared to her bedroom on queue.

I had made sure Allan had a few drinks at the party and was relaxed.

I said to Allan, "Matt, Sue and I have a surprise present for you. Sue has gone to get it ready."

"Really," he smiled.

"Yes we are going to take you too it and unveil it."

"A new Ferrari I hope."

"Ohhh you are getting warm."

I put a blindfold on him, and Matt and I led him to where Julie was waiting on her bed in some very sexy undies.