Lost in Purgatory

Lisa had been divorced for over two years when we started dating. I knew she felt guilty about not spending enough time with Danny because she worked so much, trying to make ends meet. But I also knew that Lisa and Danny had some rough years with and after her first husband, Terry.

When Lisa and Danny moved in. I told her that she didn't have to work and could be a stay-at-home mom and spend more time with her son. But she was a little gun shy herself and still felt the need to be independent.

Lisa finally agreed to quit working at Jerry's when we got married. She knew Danny was having problems in school and had become withdrawn. Lisa got him into counseling and was happy to have the time she needed, to reconnect with Danny and help him with his school work. She loved being a stay-at-home mom, and I loved having her home, but now, I can't help but wonder what Lisa did with her free time while I was at work all these years.

Then there is Pam. When Gary told me Pam was taking over the babysitting for Lisa, that really got me thinking. Pam and Lisa grew up in the same neighborhood and were best friends, but they lost track of each other when Lisa got pregnant and dropped out of high school. Then, ten years ago, when Tom and Shellie got married and moved into their new house, Lisa and Shellie were overjoyed to find out that Pam lived just two doors down. Lisa, Shellie, and Pam have been close friends ever since.

Lisa has been babysitting for Tom and Shellie since Tommy was a baby. But I can't be sure if she's been having her wild gangbang sessions all along. Because I'd randomly spent the evening with her at Tom and Shellie's over the years.

Shellie has watched Danny many times for us, so I didn't think anything of Lisa returning the favor. Now I can't help but wonder if Pam knows what Lisa is doing? Has Pam been covering for her for years? Or does Pam think she is going home to be with me like Tom did?

When we got engaged, I asked Lisa about Danny's father. I could tell she didn't want to talk about it. She would only say that it was a stupid mistake, and it didn't matter who his father was because she loved Danny more than life itself. I never felt the need to push her about it. But now I can't help but wonder what happened and why she doesn't know his name? Is it because she doesn't know which guy it was?

It's 10:53, and I know I can't put it off much longer.

I'm just not sure how to tell her she can't come home as I remember the sickening moment Gary told me Lisa left Shellie's around 7:30 and drove to a motel.

Despite Gary's acknowledgment of my cognitive abilities, "I know you're not stupid." I felt pretty stupid as it dawned on me; I was pretty sure I knew which motel it was and what room she would be in long before Gary set up the cameras.

Now that I know for sure she is in the same motel room we have played in at least a dozen times. A deep painful sense of betrayal tears at my soul as I wonder how long she has been fucking around on me!

My stomach churns as I think about the first time we ended up in that motel room. It was just before our tenth anniversary. I'd taken Lisa out dancing at our favorite club, and we were playing; naughty date night hookup!

It's a game we like to play when I take Lisa out dancing. When we got to the club that night, Lisa went in first and took a seat at the bar. Then, per the rules of the game, I came in five minutes later, found a table, and ordered a beer.

A guy was chatting her up when I came in, and I casually sipped my beer while she sipped the drink that he, or some other guy, bought for her while I watched them flirt.

After a few minutes, she told him she was married and waiting for her husband. I saw the look of defeat on his face as he moved on. But soon enough, another guy swaggered up, asked her to dance, and offered to buy her another drink. Lisa was really in the mood to play that night and left me sitting at the table for a good half an hour before she turned around, smiled, and gave me a wink, my cue.

I swaggered up to the bar and made my play just like all the other guys. Lisa flirted and played hard to get as I tried to talk her into dancing with me.

"I'd love to. But I'm married," Lisa said, out of the blue?

That was a new twist to the game. But it was all in good fun, and I went with it.

"That's okay. So am I. I just wanna dance," I replied.

Lisa agreed to dance with me, and like always, we had a great time dancing, flirting, and necking.

It was around midnight when she whispered in my ear, "Wanna get outta here?"

"But I'm married," I replied, still playing the game.

"Yeah. Well, so am I," Lisa said with a naughty smile.

Then she laid a hot kiss on me. We couldn't get out to the truck fast enough and got into a heavy petting session right there in the parking lot.

Before that night, we had always gone home after our game. But Lisa wanted to keep playing.

"My husband's not expecting me home for a couple of hours. He thinks I'm babysitting at my sister's. Wanna get a room?" She asked with a naughty wink.

We were having a great time, and I played along.

"I don't know... I've never cheated on my wife before," I replied hesitantly.

"I'll never tell. Hell, I don't even know her," Lisa giggled.

I pulled out of the club and headed towards the hotels just off the interstate. But before we got to the big fancy Hotels, Lisa spoke up.

"Turn here. Let's get a room at one of the sleazy little motels where married people, who aren't married to each other, go to hook-up."

Lisa snuggled against my arm as we drove by some of the seedy older hotels. Then she pointed at a motel.

"Yeah, that's the kind of place I'm talking about."

The blinking neon sign with a few burnt-out letters said (Free Wifi HBO CINEMAX heated pool).

"Drive around back. Let's see how many people are here. I don't want a room right next to somebody else. I get pretty loud," Lisa said as I swung into the driveway.

I grinned. "Oh, boy, you're a screamer! My wife would never do anything like that," I excitedly exclaimed.

Lisa gave me a pretty good playful poke in the arm for that comment.

There was only one beat-up old car at the far end of the backlot, and Lisa pointed at room 33 in the middle of the ground floor.

"Let's get that one. And your wife will never see your truck back here," she chortled.

I got the room, and we had one hell of a night.

I don't believe for a moment Lisa picked that motel room at random that night. She's obviously been cheating on me for years, and I was so love-sick I didn't have a fuckin' clue.

"JESUS CHRIST! How could I be so blind?" I rant as I remember the first time we played naughty date night hookup.

It was about ten years ago, and that night, Lisa only flirted with two guys for about ten minutes before she gave me a wink. Later, when we got home. I told Lisa I got pretty jealous watching her flirt with those guys.

She just laughed and said, "That's what makes it fun and exciting!"

I don't know what came over me, but I was out of control with lust, I practically dragged Lisa into the bedroom. She couldn't get enough, and it was one of the hottest fuck sessions we ever had.

Now, I can't help but wonder if that's why she started cheating on me. Did flirting with those guys turn her on more than I thought? Did she want more excitement, bigger thrills?

Well, I guess the why's don't matter. There is no fucking excuse for what Lisa's doing, and I will never be able to forgive her.

It's 11:16, and I can't put it off any longer. I have to call Lisa. I have to tell her not to come... Here? It doesn't really feel like home anymore as I climb out of our love seat with every bone in my body aching.

Spike curls into the spot where his mommy sits and lays his head down with a woeful pitiful look in his eyes. I start toward the computer, knowing he will have to go with his mommy. Because as much as he loves his daddy, Spike would not eat or drink until he faded away if he could not be with her. Then I stop in my tracks and start to cry as a sharp twist of anguish rises into my throat, knowing I will be the same way.

I lift my head, straighten my back, and force myself to move forward, resigned to what I have to do.

I'm sure her studs have left by now, and she's getting ready to come home as I tap the mouse. The screen comes to life as an absurd thought crosses my mind (at least I didn't call and interrupt her).

I see that the men are gone, and Lisa is standing naked in front of the mirror. Her body is no longer covered with cum, her hair no longer matted. Gary told me he puts a camera in the bathroom because he's investigated couples who only used the shower.

Lisa is blow-drying her hair as I touch the icon, and her reflection in the mirror fills the screen. I watch as she gives her hair a few final fluffs, flips the dryer off, and hangs it up. Then she tips her head down, shakes her hair out, flips back up, and it falls perfectly into place as I pull out my phone

She reaches for her makeup pouch and turns back to the mirror with a calm, serene look on her face. Lisa is never more beautiful than when she has that satisfied afterglow, and I can't help but wonder just how many times I've mistaken that glow for her being happy to see me when she got home as I touch my phone.

Lisa hears my ringtone, and her face lights up with a deep loving smile. A sharp pain pushes up my throat, knowing I will never see that look on her face again!

Her phone is lying next to the sink, and Lisa puts me on speaker.

"Hi, Hun. What's the matter? Can't sleep without momma there?" she asks with her loving poor-baby tone as she opens her makeup bag.

The lump in my throat tightens, and I'm not sure I can speak as I face the reality of how easy it is for her. It's like it never happened, and she doesn't have a care in the world. Then purely out of reflex, "Hi, baby," rolls cleanly off my tongue, "No... That's not why I called," I reply, my voice fading and cracking as I choke on the lump in my throat.

Her smile fades as she looks at her phone with real concern.

"What's the matter, hun?"

"You are going to have to stay at your sister's tonight," I croak with tears rolling down my face.

I see the confusion mixing with her concern.

"What's going on? Did something happen to Spike?... Oh, God! IS IT DANNY?" She asks with panic in her voice.

"No... Spike and Danny are fine. Just stay at your sister's... Please, Lisa," I plead as irritation mixes with my pain.

I don't want to deal with this right now. I need more time to think. Time to figure out what went wrong. Time to figure out what is wrong with me.

"David... What's going on? You know Tom will be here any minute, and I'll be home soon. So just tell me. What's wrong?" Lisa askes firmly, trying to keep up her ruse.

"Dammit, Lisa... Just stay at your sister's. I can't deal with you right now... Please, just stay away!"

I watch Lisa pick up her phone and hold it close to her mouth.

"David, you're scaring me. What the hell is going on?"

A surge of rage overcomes me.

"GOD, DAMMIT! Just stay at your sister's. Or stay at the FUCKING MOTEL! I really don't care where the FUCK you stay. Just don't come here."

When I yelled. Lisa yanked her phone away and stared at it in disbelief.

But now I see the wheels turning as her face scrunches, and her eyes narrow with the painful realization that I know where she is.

My pulse is pounding in my temples as she brings the phone back to her mouth and makes a last-ditch effort to cover her ass.

"David, I don't know what's going on? But you know I'm at Shellie's, and Tom will be ho..."

I can't take her lying anymore and cut her off.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, WHORE!"

Lisa yanks her phone away and stares at it in wide-eyed shock as her tears begin to flow and her face contorts with hurtful pain at what I said.

Suddenly, my eyes pinch tightly closed with the paralyzing pain of my heart being ripped from my chest all over again as I remember how she walked into that bathroom and stripped like she couldn't wait to be with her lover: Remember how she took her time putting on her black lace garter and fishnet stockings with my favorite pair of fuck-me heels, then looked herself over in the mirror and smiled: Remember how she put her fingers around her wedding ring and hesitated as her smile faded to a blank stare: Remember how she casually took it off and set it next to the sink, where it is now.

My pain fades from paralyzing to merely overwhelming as I push the memories away and open my eyes.

Lisa is still holding her phone at arm's length, blankly staring at it, as tears roll down her face and drip off her chin.

I swallow hard, but the lump in my throat won't budge.

"I'm sorry, Lisa... But can you please, tell me one thing," I croak, then wait for her to respond.

"W—wh--what, David?" she chokes out, still blankly staring at her phone.

"Did you think about me? Even a little bit. When you looked in the mirror and took off your wedding ring?"

Lisa's face twists with pain as she sets her phone down and reflexively reaches for her ring.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!"

She yanks her hand back, her eyes wide and darting with panic, as the reality of the situation washes over her.

"D—Da--David?" Lisa questioningly sputters.

"Yes, I can see you. I've seen everything -- Lisa!" I state coldly.

Lisa stares at her phone, horrified, as she grabs the countertop, leans against the wall, and slides to the floor.

"I—I--I'm so s--sorry, David. P--p-pl-please forgive me. OH, GOD... E—e--everything!" Lisa blubbers as she pulls her knees tight to her chest.

Another surge of rage takes me.

"Yes -- EVERYTHING! Well -- not everything. I couldn't see anything when I was PUKING MY GUTS OUT IN THE KITCHEN SINK.

Oh yeah, and running around the house RANTING LIKE A FUCKING MADMAN! But yeah, I saw enough to know we are through.

GODDAMMIT, LISA! WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO WRONG? TELL ME -- PLEASE, please, I have to know. I have to know what's wrong with me. Please -- please tell me."

"I—I'm--I'm so sorry. I--n--I-n-never meant t-t-to hurt you," she violently sobs.

"HURT ME... You never meant to HURT ME!

Oh -- I see. You think watching my wife walk into a motel room and get ready for her lover, HURT ME! You think figuring out you were really there to get gangbanged by four guys, HURT ME! You think watching them FUCK YOU LIKE A CHEAP WHORE -- hurt me!

No -- Lisa, what really hurt me, was seeing the way your face lit up when I called. That's what really hurts!

Look, I don't want to yell at you anymore. Just stay at your sister's or the motel. I don't care. Just don't come here... I'll have Gary call you tomorrow and make arrangements for you to come and get your things while I'm at work. Please don't come here, please. I don't know what I might do."

I want to feel bad for her as I listen to Lisa wailing with her face buried between her knees. But I can't feel anything, and I have nothing more to say as I touch (end) on my phone.

Lisa hears the disconnect chirp and starts desperately screeching as I reach out and slowly close the laptop.

"PLE-E-EASE, DA-A-AVID. OH GOD, PLE-E-E-EASE, FORGIVE ME-E-e-e... Click."

Suddenly, I'm overwhelmed by the deafening silence as the images of her "them" come rushing back and play in my head like a choppy old 8mm stag film. I try to push the visions away as I shuffle back to the living room and flop down on the loveseat.

Spike jumps up and curls into my lap, and I begin to numbly rock as a foreboding sense of loneliness overcomes me. I know that I'm just starting a life sentence of mindless existence and pain as my new reality sets-in. Because the truth is, as much as I hate her, I will miss her every day, and I will always love her.

I close my eyes and see the violently spinning black hole of despair that is pulling out my soul and ripping it to shreds as I try to think: Try to figure out what went wrong: Try to figure out what's wrong with me?

But the memories are so painful my mind shuts down as my eyes fall open, and I stare blankly into space.

Spike suddenly jumps off my lap, and I painfully snap back to reality as he runs to the door. I feel off-kilter and disoriented, and I have no idea how long I've been mindlessly staring into space as the concept of time pushes its way to the front of my mind.

Spike knows when Lisa turns onto our block, and I hear his toenails clicking as he excitedly dances by the kitchen door, waiting for his mommy.

A mixture of fear and anger rushes through me as she pulls into the driveway. What the hell is she doing here? I don't want to see her. Then I tell myself, she must be here to get Spike. I know how stressful this has been for him, and I decide to let Spike have his moment before I send Lisa away.

I hear her keys rattle, and my anger grows more palpable as she turns the lock and comes through the door.

"Ohhh... My baby boy," Lisa sniffles and croaks as she stoops down for her kiss.

Then I hear the lid come off the treat jar.

"Mommy has to talk to daddy. Take your treat outside, Spike," she whispers, her voice cracking with pain.

Spike runs out the dog door, and I can't hold my rage anymore.

"WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE? GOD -- DAMMIT, I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY!"

"P--please, David... I—I--I need t--t--to talk to you, please."

I hear her footsteps.

"GET BACK, DAMMIT, I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU. Just take Spike and go. GET THE FUCK OUT!" I yell as I stare at the floor, frozen in place by anger and the fear of seeing her face.

"I--I'll st--s-stay back. P--please just let me talk to you. Please, David! I know it's o--over, and you will n--never be able to f--f-forgive me. I--I will never f--f-forgive myself."

I'm surprised she's not begging for forgiveness.

"Yes... It is over. Now, please go, JUST GO!"

"Please, David. I heard what you s--said on the ph—ph--phone. You -- you -- you didn't d-do anything wrong. It's all m--my fault. P--please don't blame yourself."

I can hear the deep regret and sorrow in her distraught voice, and I'm torn between needing her to leave and needing to understand what went wrong.

"How can I not blame myself, Lisa? JESUS CHRIST! I'M YOUR HUSBAND, and you are running off to be with—wit--wi..." I just can't say it.

"Please, David. You have to u—un--understand. Th—th--there's nothing wrong with you. You are the most wonderful man I--I've ever known. It's—it's--it's me. I—uh--uh, It's—uh... I--I just, it's jus... "

"It's just what, LISA? Just SEX! Is that what you're trying to tell me. It's just SEX! Well, hell, if that's all it is, I'll just forget this ever happened, and we can live happily ever after. WHAT THE FUCK!"

"I—I--I'm so s--s-sorry, David. P--ple..."

Livid, I cut her off.

"How long, Lisa? HOW FUCKING LONG HAVE I BEEN YOUR STUPID CLUELESS HUSBAND! Tell me, Lisa. Tell me how many men have shaken my hand and smiled in my face while they were thinking about how many times they've FUCKED MY WIFE and howFUCKING STUPID I AM... GOD -- DAMMIT, LISA! How am I supposed to look another man in the face now? How am I supposed to get past that?"

I hear Lisa step to the archway. But I can't bear to look at her as I stare at the floor, paralyzed by anger, fear, and pain.

"DAMMIT, LISA! I told you to stay back. You've said your piece. NOW LEAVE, PLEASE, just leave."