All Comments on 'Love and Lust Pt. 01'

I love what you've started here. Looking forward to part two and Brooklyn coming out of her shell. I loved the few twists you've dealt to build the heat. 🔥Keep it cumming. I mean coming. Or both.

Your biographical notes said you thought you'd give writing erotica a try. Well, you've given it a try and a very good one at that, enough to earn five stars from me for effort. A good story idea and generally well-written. I spotted a number of minor errors, most of which could have been typos---in one small piece of dialogue you switched from third person to first ("...I asked..." instead of "...Brooklyn asked..."). A little more careful proof-reading should help avoid this sort of thing. Otherwise, very well done.

I also like what you've started and really look forward to reading more. Few typos but nice one.

I found this story unexpectedly thought-provoking, and figured I might as well share my initial reaction with you.

So: Your writing has a nice flow and kept me engaged throughout. I liked how you introduced your character's backstories - gradually with Brooklyn and in an out-of-nowhere confession for Jennifer (or maybe there were hints that I missed, who knows). So you clearly did a good job! Which brings me to the thing I wondered pretty much from the moment Jennifer appeared on stage: Am I supposed to like her and root for her? You have your characters paint her in glowing terms, and she multiple times straight up tells Brooklyn (and, thereby, us) that she'll be patient and not push her. But she clearly does, even contacting Brooklyns friends to play matchmaker. And then there's your closing scene, of course. I find this really interesting: You touch on most of the cornerstones of what you could maybe call a "classic" literotica romance plot - characters with a complicated childhood, putting a longer period of friendship before the actual romance, a straight girl that gradually discovers she's maybe gay, etc. And then you introduce a character that someone should probably call the cops on.

Well, consider me curious where you decide to take this!

Liked this story at the beginning but the way Jennifer changed from being someone who likes Brook to being an escort and bi to being a perv... not my kind of story. I'm sick of these stories where everyone sleeps around with everyone. I figured there was a cam in the room soon as she found the toys so no surprise. Let me guess what happens next.. Jenn convinces Brook to join the escort service, right? Oh and to get Brook in her bed ofc. Same yadda yadda pervy shit yadda yadda.

Like others have stated; a few typos that a good proofreading would or should have caught. Especially on the use of the words "too and to" and "let and led" The one jarring shift to first person could also have been easily fixed. I also agree that the Jennifer character is the poster child for conflicting narratives. I going to take a leap of faith and just put it down to her being complicated and life being messy, but you really should nail down her motivations and intentions in the next chapter.

Overall, you seem to be trying to straddle the line between a slow burn lesbian romance, and a lesbian seduction. You're taking a risk by blending the two, but in this case it just might work if handled tastefully. You have shown enough potential in the first chapter to suggest that you can bring the story to a satisfying conclusion regardless of the challenges you have created for yourself.

Nice first effort. I look forward to seeing how you resolve things.

May the nit pickers pick their nits,

while the rest of us enjoy your writing,

and hope for the next to come lickity split!

I loved your story and you did a good job and it was well written for just trying it out. I love that it really brings you in and captures your attention.

It started so well, with an interesting concept and good character development. Then it suddenly went completely off the rails with a plot direction that didn’t fit with the rest of story. It made me go from being engaged in the story, to losing all interest.

An enjoyable though totally implausible read but it's fiction so who cares if the story is a tad unbelievable. Having the older girl turn out to be a hooker was a twist that I did not see coming. I thought the character development was very good and I am looking forward to the next chapter.

Excellent character development ! If you had told me the story was four pages long with no sex in it....I would have passed quickly. Instead,I was disappointed when the story ended(and a VERY clever ending at that).

Bravo. continued success.

SSB

Well written and certainly well put together. I'm really looking forward to more of this story. Thank you!

Words matter...a little editing was in order here.

A food start though.