Love Heals

As I slung my bag over my shoulder I looked up and Julie and Mike were watching me intently from behind the counter. Julie wore a pained expression on her face as she pointed to the woman with her two kids. I shook my head no and I saw the realization dawn on her. "The Kids?" she mouthed and I nodded the tears beginning to spill down my face again. Julie covered her mouth, a look of tender sadness on her face. I almost ran for the door, holding myself in check only through force of will.

As I passed through the door a small pale woman with short cut black hair and a pixyish face was walking up the sidewalk to enter the Bum. I looked down at the sidewalk as I passed her and the sensation hit me. It had never been so strong. It drove me to one knee and made me pant for breath. There was no sensation of one thing being wrong, just an overwhelming sense of sickness. I heard the woman stop beside me.

"Are you okay? Do you need help?" Her voice was anxious, but not hysterical. I shook my head no and stumbled to my feet and began to run. I couldn't take anymore. I ran all the way home, stumbling into my condo and bolting the door as if it could keep out my pain.

I stumbled into the office, opened the bottom drawer of my desk and pulled out the 357 magnum I had inherited from my father. For the thousandth time I opened it, checked that it was fully loaded, closed it and stared at it. Every time I went through this ritual the longer I stood there holding that weapon; this time when I put it back in the drawer with reservation, and a shaking hand.

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Later I found an email from Jill waiting for me. It was short and to the point, as many of the ones I received was. I sat and stared at it for a long time. The next steps were always tricky, always painful. I read through her message again.

Brian,

I don't know how you knew I was sick, but you were right. I have been diagnosed with a terminal form of brain cancer. The doctors want to try chemo and radiation, but it is likely they will be ineffective against this type of cancer. In fact they say it is 98% fatal. If I even try the chemo it will kill my baby, and I won't live long enough to see her born even if I don't undergo treatment. My husband and I are faced with our lives ending together before they even got started. You said you were a healer, and you knew I was sick. It seems crazy to me to even ask, but can you help me?

Jill

I sat with my hands poised above the keys, the words that I must say tumbling through my mind. When I began to type it almost felt like someone else was writing. I watched the words scroll across the screen and realized I was weeping again as I wrote.

Jill,

I know you will find this hard to believe, but yes I can help you, in fact I can cure you completely. Unfortunately the price is very high for both of us. I am not speaking of money, but of deeper more painful sacrifices. If you wish me to help you, you first must meet with three people who I have helped. They will explain to you what they went through, and prove to you that I can help you.

If at that point you wish to walk away, I understand. If after you meet with them you still wish my help, then you should email me and we can arrange to meet. The only payment I ask of you should we get to the point where I help you, is that if I ever ask you to meet with a new patient of mine to explain how I helped you, that you will do so, and that you keep my help a secret.

Brian

Her email response can back fifteen minutes later. It said simply; "Tell me when and where and I will be there..."

**********************************

I set up the meeting for a few days later after calling three people who had helped me with new clients in the past. All of them were good people, and understood the sacrifices I had to make to help others. All of them could almost be called friends if it was not so painful for me to be around them.

They agreed to meet with Jill and her husband and explain things to them, to help them understand the implications of my curse. Jill would agree; they always did. Only once had someone chosen death over my help, and she was a rather special case. I was not surprised at all when she chose for her life to end.

I had been rather cloistered since my experience at the Bum a few days ago. The little girl and the woman outside had been too much for me. I had ordered food in, and spent time calling and arranging the meeting of Jill with the others I had helped.

I found my mind drifting back to the woman outside the Bum that had staggered me with the degree of illness radiating from her body. It was not how sick she was that intrigued me, but the fact that my gift had not told me exactly what was wrong with her. That had never happened before.

Every other time in my life when the sensation came over me I had an intuitive understanding of exactly what was killing the person. In her case though I was simply overwhelmed by the strength of the sickness I felt in her, and the fact that it seemed to have no locus. In addition, I had no idea how long she had to live. Normally I knew to within a week or a few days at times. I was puzzled.

Finally after a few days of the boredom and isolation in my house, and on the eve of Jill's meeting I decided to make a trip down to see Julie and Mike. I walked down in the early evening, after the end of day rush, but before the nighttime college kids moved in.

The place was nearly empty when I came in and Julie rushed around the counter to give me a hug, and Mike clapped me on the back.

"Brian, are you okay? We have been worried about you. We were gonna come by but..." Julie's face was scrunched up in concern, and her husband Mike nodded in agreement behind her.

"It's okay; I'm fine guys, just got a little overwhelmed. There was the little girl, then I ran into that woman outside and she was...is sick..." I shook my head and looked down fighting the emotions that threatened to well up again.

"Hey it's okay, we understand. You know that woman from outside asked about you. In fact when I told her I didn't know who you were she asked everyone in the place if they knew you. She kinda creeped me and Mike out." I felt a tingle of something go up my back, perhaps fear.

"What did she want?" I asked

"We don't know." Mikes deep baritone rumbled out. "She said she just wanted to talk to you. She has been back in the store twice more, bought a cup of coffee, looked around and left." I stood there thinking for a minute.

She was sick, she probably needed my help. Maybe she had heard about me and was trying to track me down. It wouldn't be the first time it had happened that way. I reached in my pocket and took out one of my blank cards handing it to Julie.

"If she comes in again, give her this, okay? She is very sick, might be she was one of the rumor folks who comes looking for me. Anyway, no sense in running away if she is determined to find me."

"You sure Brian?" Julie asked concern in her voice. I nodded and smiled, putting the mask back in place.

*********************************************

The next day I waited at home. Jill was to meet with the others in the morning, and I wanted to be around if she emailed me. I always got nervous on the day that these meetings happened. I had, in the early times, had a few that went very wrong. Time is a great teacher, and I knew now how to have the people that met with a new person approach the whole thing.

I spent some time surfing my usual hangouts, and then going for a short run when my anxiety and cabin fever reached a level where I just had to do something. It was a short 3 mile run, but the spring green and the chill in the air made me feel invigorated and alive. When I came back into my apartment dripping with sweat, my tee shirt clinging to my back I had an email waiting for me.

I grabbed a cold bottle of water from the fridge and gulped a large mouthful down as I plopped into my chair in front of my computer. I could feel my shirt sticking to my back, and the chill of the air conditioner blowing on me.

The email was from Jill. When people responded after the meeting with my advocates I found they usually fell into a couple categories. The first was skepticism, with a hint of aggression. The second was complete disbelief. The third was the easiest, that of acceptance. Fortunately Jill seemed to be the last.

Brian,

My husband and I met with the others you have helped this morning. All of them told us their stories. I saw copies of doctor's reports, medical charts, x-rays, and printouts of cat scans. They were all dying; they made sure to prove that without a doubt. Gina, the doctor, even deciphered the materials for me and Sean so we could understand it all. All three of them were dying, now they are all perfectly well.

I guess you have to start there, convincing us that you can really help us. I want you to know I knew you could from the minute I went to the doctor and he told me what you already knew; that I had brain cancer, that I would die, and that my child would never live.

I am a trusting person by nature, and a spiritual one. I accept that there are more things under heaven and earth then we can understand, or even believe. My husband and I believe that you can help us. We understand that you will tell us the method. None of the people in the group would tell me how you heal, but they wanted it understood that you could, and that you had helped all of them the same way. I understand it may be something unpleasant, and I don't care. I want to live. I want my baby to live.

Tell us when to meet you, and we will be there.

Jill

I took a deep breath as I finished the letter. It never got easier, knowing what came next. I sat for a moment letting my mind churn; letting the knowledge that I had to do it all again sink in. Mostly I sat thinking of the recovery time, of the despair, and the loneliness. I acknowledged it all, accepted it, and reached out to respond to Jill's email.

***********************************************

I met her the next day at a small out of the way park in town. I had asked her to come alone. I told her that her husband could come and watch from the car to make sure she was okay, but I must speak to her alone. I did this as a precaution to my safety. In the early days I had encountered some dangerous boyfriends and husbands, and had learned it was better for the woman to pass the news on to them.

I sat a t a table in the shade, my car parked on the road only twenty feet behind me. I saw Jill when she pulled into the parking area for the park I had given her directions too. It was 150 feet across a green lawn. I always met here if I could, gave me time to observe the person as they approached me, and gave me a buffer between them and me if I felt that I needed to leave in a hurry.

You may think I am paranoid, but you would do the same if you had seen some of the reactions I had over the years. It never ceases to amaze me that I can help people so much, but that to do so exacts such a high toll. It has caused me to loose my faith in gods and religion. It has made me a cynical man I hate to say.

Jill got out of her car and I was relieved to see she was alone. It spoke to a level of trust that usually made this meeting go smoother. She turned and shaded her eyes looking across the park. I rose and waved to her, and she waved back and began to walk toward me.

She carried herself with grace, and walked at an even pace as she approached me. She did not wring her hands, or look at the ground, or glance around nervously. In fact she looked right at me as she walked steadily across the bright green grass to meet me. I remained standing behind the picnic table, keeping it as a barrier between us. This too I had learned helped them feel more safe.

She wore a long brown dress of the kind popular with ex-hippies, or women who were into a natural lifestyle. It was attractive on her, and her belly was only a small rise in the front under her large breasts. This one would be both easier and harder I thought.

She walked all the way up to the edge of the table before stopping and looking at me. We stood for a moment looking at one another. The tension was less then in some meetings, but still present. Just as I was about to speak, she broke the silence.

"Brian?" her voice was soft, quiet, and gentle. I simply nodded.

She then did something that I had not encountered before. She walked around the table, and hugged me. There was no hesitation in her actions, no falseness, just a gentle hug that she held for a moment before pulling away from me.

I have to admit I was so surprised that I just stood there through the whole thing. When she pulled back she smiled slightly, a beautiful smile, and said.

"Brian, thank you for meeting with me. I'm...I'm so scared." She said her eyes shinning now a little. I nodded.

"Don't be afraid. I promise you I won't hurt you, and I only want to help." She barked out a small laugh.

"I'm not scared of you, I'm scared of the damn cancer in my head." She said with a sad grin. I nodded again smiling now.

"Sorry, I misunderstood." She waved her hand as if dismissing it as nothing and sat on the bench. I sat next to her, both of us on the same side, again a first for this type of meeting for me.

She sat waiting then, quietly, looking at me intently, but not with the level of intensity I had seen from some. I realized there would be no small talk now, that she was waiting for me to explain things to her.

"Jill, first let me say how sorry I am that you are sick. I know I can help you, but as I said before the price is high for us both. I don't want to sound like I am all doom and gloom, but in my experience I have found it is better not to sugarcoat things. This will be hard. If at any time you wish to walk away from me, this meeting, or any interaction with me know I completely understand." She nodded her face now thoughtful. Then she spoke cutting me off.

"You have to sleep with me don't you?" her voice was quiet, thoughtful. She could not have shaken me more if she had thrown a bucket full of live mice on me. I sat there with my mouth opening and closing trying to find the words to speak.

"I...I...yes but...I need to explain..." I said stumbling over own surprise. I was used to being the one to orchestrate these meetings, to giving the information out in a structured way that prepared the person I was to help for the news. Then with it came the understanding of what the real cost was too. Jill reached out and placed her warm hand on my arm and smiled slightly.

"Brian, it is okay. I put it together for myself. All the people who met with me were woman. They wouldn't answer me how you worked, and my intuition put it together. I'm not surprised. I am a massage therapist Brian, and I do Reiki on my clients. I have read about sexual healing, and after meeting with the others I believe you are legitimate."

I shook my head and rubbed the back of my neck. This was by far the strangest meeting yet, but she still didn't understand. I tried to gather my thoughts.

"Jill, yes I have to sleep with you to heal you, but there is more to it then that. I..." My voice broke and I felt the emotion rising up in me and overwhelm me for a moment.

"Hey, it is okay." Jill squeezed my arm. "I can tell this clearly bothers you, but I talked about it with my husband, and we both agree that me having sex with someone else is clearly better then death. Sure he doesn't like the idea, but he prefers it to me and his child being gone. We would be grateful for your help." I shook my head no as she finished speaking.

"You don't understand Jill. If I just sleep with you, it won't work. I...I have to love you for it to work." I said now looking up into her kind face. She sat for a moment as what I said sank in.

"You mean you have to make love to me?" she said quietly? I shook my head no.

"No Jill, I have to be in love with you. I suppose that means I have to make love to you too, but my emotional connection to you is what will allow me to heal you. I have been through this so many times, it is always hard to explain but please let me try." Jill nodded her head, her face now concerned.

"When I was young I began to be able to tell when people were sick. Not like a common cold, but sick as in gravely ill. I could sense in them this terrible truth, and slowly I began to have faith in it. I started telling people to go get help, just like I did with you.

But I didn't know what I was doing, I made a lot of people angry, I got beat up a few times. But I was troubled. You see I could tell, I knew, which ones would recover from treatment, and which would not. I knew which people would die no matter what. Can you imagine what a terrible knowledge that was to have, and to feel powerless about it?"

"Oh Brian, how horrible." Jill said in a whisper. I rushed on, unable to stem the tide of my speech.

"Eventually I stopped telling people that couldn't be helped. I figured let them live in peace while they still could. The others I told to go get help. It was a few years before I learned that I could help, and it was by chance really.

A had a friend through my work that I was close to who got breast cancer. I met her for lunch one day, and I knew she was going to die. She went to the doctor, and they wanted to do chemo, radiation, the works. Nothing worked.

Eventually she ended up at home in the care of hospice. I came to visit her every day, we grew very close. I grew to love her, and it broke my heart to see her in pain. One night, she asked me to make love to her. She was close to the end, more skeleton then flesh at that point, but love sees past such things. I made love to her. We caressed each other for a long time before we did it.

As I made love to her I could feel something strange happening with my sense of her illness. You see, even now near you I can sense the sickness in you, I can feel its progression. In a sense I can feel you dying. That night as I made love to her I could feel the illness retreating, but only slightly within her. I admit I did not think of it much at the time other then to rejoice in the feeling of that small retreat."

Tears were running down my face now as I spoke. I didn't know why I was sharing this most intimate of stories with this woman, but somehow her candor and trust had pushed aside my barriers for a moment.

"When she came, with her climax came my own I felt something truly remarkable. Well, more remarkable then just an orgasm shared with someone you love. I felt, as my cum entered her, the disease vanish from her body as though it were removed with an invisible hand. I felt, for the first time in months, no sign of the disease. I felt life flooding into her."

Jill squeezed my arm as I let out a great sob trying to continue, my voice temporarily lost to emotion.

"She was well. The doctors couldn't believe it. Miracle they all said. But my lover had felt the healing take hold in her when we made love. I had told her about my ability to sense when someone was ill, she was the one to put two and two together that I could heal as well."

I lowered my head as the tears fell to the bench below.

"She encouraged me to help others; she said she was strong enough that it wouldn't hurt her. I slept with another woman who had breast cancer that was her friend. It didn't work. It is a long story but in time we came to realize I had to love the person I slept with for the healing to work. I healed her friend, and she left me. It was too painful for her, and for me"

"No relationship for me lasts, how can it? I must love, and be alone over and over again in this life. That is my gift and my curse. I don't know why I am the way I am, I only know I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to help people. "