Love in a Changed World Ch. 01

"Every night," she seemed to put emphasis on every, after you go to bed." She was getting teary.

"But we have sex nearly every night. You can't tell me you faked orgasm every night for over a year." I was getting irritated. I never wanted anything more out our lovemaking than to please her. I couldn't care less about my sense of sexual prowess. If she was faking, I wanted to know, so I could try harder.

"No. I just couldn't let myself go." She was crying now. "I came, mildly, nearly every time, but had to hold back. And..." she was nearly sobbing, "It was just never enough. I wanted it to be, but I needed more. I got those because I was worried - worried I would end up cheating on you. A lot of the girls at the gym end up with each other because their men can't take them. I just wanted to be only with you." The tears were flowing fully, "I'm so sorry!!" She raged, slamming her fist down on an oaken end table, shattering it.

"Stop. Stop." I was crying too. Part out of sorrow that I hadn't been able to give her what she needed, part out of gratitude for all that she'd done to shield me, but also out of fear. Her outburst and display of destructive power scared me. For the third time today, I was worried that a girl was going to break me physically. It was not a good feeling. Also, looking at the smashed end table, a lot of little things over the last year popped into my head. The crumple car hood from when she "hit a deer" after a bad work call -- an "accident" that left no blood or fur on the car. The bent metal faucet in the basement after an argument with her mother. The (gulp) hole our concrete block backyard retaining wall that "appeared" after she went out outside following a fight we'd had last Summer.

"Look," I said, "You didn't do anything wrong. In fact, I should be crying for your forgiveness. And I should be thanking you. You felt, for whatever reason, that you needed to keep this from me for my own good. And you took on this burden of meeting your own needs. I would have been devastated if you'd gone off with someone else. Now I was hugging her.

And then I did a dumb thing.

"Holding yourself back is stupid. And not being satisfied is dumb." I said getting completely over my skies. "I don't want you to ever leave our bed wanting again. I want you to let go. From now on, we have sex until you are satisfied. I'm not done until you are done." I was as chest-puffed-out as a 150-pound man with a stiff neck, sprained wrist, and, small inhale, some bruised ribs could be.

"You are so cute when you're faking being brave." Nadia giggled, the tears waning. She pulled me in tightly, just hard enough to make me doubt my promise. She kissed me deeply and passionately.

I wasn't faking. But, sometimes, bravery isn't enough.