Love is a Banquet

I am startled, dropping my fork on my plate, as I feel a hand on my thigh. I look up and Patrick's eyes meet mine quizzically. Not fiery oceans, but captivating all the same. I smile reassuringly at him and I'm sure he knows I was thinking about Martin again.

Earlier on this evening, I saw something I wish I hadn't. As Marco and his wife left, Leo went to the loo again. Curious, suspicious, whatever, I followed him and saw that he went, not into the toilets, but out through the back door. Marco realised he was there and after saying something briefly to his wife in their car, came over to where Leo was waiting. They embraced passionately and spoke softly for a while. Leo wrote down something and Marco put the slip of paper in his pocket. My stomach lurches violently as my mind races to make this encounter an innocent one. As Marco set off back to his car, I hurriedly dived back in through the back door. What was Leo playing at? I'm hoping this was some sort of closure, and not Leo starting things up again. I did think that he and Marco made a cute couple; it was good to see Leo having an actual relationship with someone. But it didn't work out and Leo fell apart even further.

I look at him and Jake now; so happy together. Eating Patrick's home-made cassata ice-cream; Jake is asking about the ingredients and Leo is watching him; studying his face as if he's trying to remember every tiny detail. So absorbed is he that he doesn't notice his spoon of damson ice-cream getting lower and lower. He jumps as the cold ice-cream falls off and lands on his forearm. Jake, totally forgetting his surroundings I guess, takes Leo's arm and sucks the purple confection into his mouth, licking Leo's arm clean. Patrick catches my eye again, this time a benevolent smile on his face.

Leo

Such a lovely evening. Uncle Robert is such a sweetie. And I'm here with Jake. This last month together has been wonderful. Uncle Robert's villa is such a special place, I've been coming here since I was a kid, mostly by myself. He might have been the black sheep of the family; but it suited my parents to be rid of me for a couple of weeks each year. Patrick's restaurant does the best food. His pork stew is to die for. He's been running this place as long as I've been coming to stay and I've eaten so many meals here.

Patrick seems to specialise in saving members of our family from themselves. He was there for Uncle Robert when Martin died and I remember how he took me home with him one particular night. I was pretty out of it and made a fool of myself in the bar. I remember in perfect detail the embarrassment of that evening. I was feeling so wretched, I'd shared some coke in the toilets with a boy up from the city, but he was too scared of his fiancée to even let me blow him. I'd already been with the remaining cute guys in the bar, and they were ignoring me. When Patrick discovered I was going to audition for a porn film company he went berserk. I thought he was going to hit me. And then I thought he wanted to have sex with me.

He lives in a flat above the restaurant and bar, and that night he pushed me up the stairs ahead of him. I stumbled and banged my head, but reached the landing eventually. By now I had completely lost it and was ready to fight him -- I was so angry. Patrick simply shut his ears to my ranting and pushed me into the bathroom. I remember sitting on the cold floor while he ran a bath and undressed me and meekly I got in. My anger had evaporated as the bath had filled and I was crying as Patrick tenderly washed my face with a cool flannel.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" I asked, clutching hold of his wrist tightly.

"Because I care about you. Because you're family. Because you're Robert's."

He lent me some pyjamas and put me to sleep in his guest room. He brought me some hot chocolate in a fat red mug and sat with me while I drank it, lecturing me, holding my hand;

"You know, some people can cope with sleeping with many partners, they only need a sexual connection with another person, they don't seem to need anything else. They are positively happy with the way things are. They thrive simply on sex. But you, dear Leo, are not one of those people. You are being eaten away by this life. You need more than just sex -- you need an emotional connection to someone -- you need love. You won't find it picking up straight men in bars. It's time to take stock of things, time to grow up, time to take responsibility for your life." His voice was trying to be stern, but I could tell he was close to tears, his voice wavered a little and he dropped my hand and stood up hastily. I caught him before he stepped away, catching hold of his shirt sleeve, pulling him back down on the narrow bed.

"Hold me." He put his arms around me and I could smell the odours from the bar and restaurant; cigarette smoke, garlic and Patrick's own meaty smell. After a while he kissed me on the cheek and said good night. Crisp, clean sheets and a bed all to myself. I wasn't sure how I felt; but my anger had gone and I'd done enough crying. I slept.

Seeing Marco in the restaurant, this evening was a bit of a shock. I should have thought more about the chances of seeing him, but I didn't really want to think about him. I thought he'd moved away. Seeing him again brought everything flooding back. How bad it was when he left me, but also how good it was that day, how needed I felt. I'm feeling very confused, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm happier now than I've ever been in my life and I don't need Marco fucking things up again. Things could have been good with him; he was such a gentle man, a passionate man, but ultimately a spineless one. Mind you I did enjoy seeing the helpless desire in his eyes tonight. Maybe it was vanity, or just ego, but I'm sure there was something there.

Jake and I finish our meal and decide to head on back to the villa; leaving Uncle Robert to have a nightcap with Patrick. We stumble and stagger a bit up the hill from the town, but the moon is pretty much full so we can see quite clearly. The warm night air is fresh and my head is less befuddled; caused by both the wine and my encounter with Marco. I hold onto Jake's hand tightly as I lead the way back to my favourite place in all the world.

When I was a little kid I used to imagine that I really was Robert and Martin's son, but because they were two men they couldn't look after me. So they gave me to my parents, with the promise that they let me visit them each summer. What a vivid imagination. Sometimes I would daydream that my parents both died and I had to go and live with Robert and Martin, and I tried to imagine what that would be like. I knew they didn't live in the villa all the time, but they lived 'near London'. I pictured London as being full of big red buses and black taxis, but that didn't really help. I knew that Martin was really kind, and was really good at explaining things and took me to all kinds of interesting places -- my father never took me anywhere.

'Let's sit out and look at the stars for a while,' Jake says, pulling me down next to him on the wooden steps leading up to the verandah at the front of the villa. We sit in companionable silence, our bodies squashed up close. Jake puts his arm around my shoulders. I feel the strength in him and feel safe, reassured, comforted. We look up at the clear night sky and across to the lights from the town. A few odd noises reach us; a car horn, a shout, a dog barking; but it all seems very far away.

'This place is really important to you, isn't it?' Jake asks, nuzzling his head against mine.

'Yeah. I really love it here. I love you.' I didn't know I was going to say that. It just came out. And before I have time to say something like "You don't have to say it back" or "I'll understand if you don't feel the same", Jake says;

'And I love you.' His voice is so steady and so firm I know he means it. We kiss and then lie back on the verandah, staring straight up at the night sky. I can hear and feel my heart thumping loudly in my chest. I have a sense of this moment being the real beginning of my life. Time to start again, what's gone before has gone.

'I've never said that to anyone before,' I confess.

'Me neither. Except to my mum.' I can't help but smile; he is so sweet. And I've certainly not said that to my mother. Jake turns his head and whispers, his breath hot and loud in my ear;

'As romantic as lying here is -- I am getting a bit chilly. How about we go inside for some rampant sex?' He props himself up on one elbow and looks down at me, smiling wickedly. My Jake -- he's very sweet but shameless.

Chapter Five Christmas Dinner

Jake's mum

I do like Christmas! Definitely a time to have your family around you. Jake's such a good boy; he usually manages to be home for Christmas. I say 'home' but I suppose he thinks of Manchester as his home now, especially since he's going to be moving in with his friend Leo. Living alone does get you down sometimes; I'm lucky to have Sandra living just down the road, but I guess she'll be busy now with the baby. I hope she lets me look after him sometimes, to give her a break. I wonder if she's planning on going back to work? Don't suppose Bob will be keen.

Bob is a good husband to her, what they used to call 'a good provider', but a woman needs more than money; she needs understanding and support, especially when you've just had a baby. I remember when I had Jake -- I was so tired -- the house was a complete mess and I was so scared in case I couldn't look after him properly! I was a bit more relaxed when I had Sandra; poor Jake was my guinea-pig! Ross was a good father to them both. He worked long hours at the bank, but always helped with looking after them and was no stranger to the hoover! He was a good man. I always miss him more at this time of year -- I suppose that's the same for everyone who's lost a loved one. Christmas was such a magical time when the children were little. We were lucky that Ross's job was well paid, so they never went short.

Christmas Dinner this year was lovely! Such a lot of work but it's worth it. Sprouts from the garden, home-grown spuds as well -- mustn't forget the parsnips -- they were always Ross's favourite. And the ritual of eating the crispy, crunchy bacon that's been across the turkey breast to protect it; when Jake and Sandra were kids they'd always come rushing into the kitchen, abandoning presents, to have some of that bacon. The turkey turned out just right this time, it's easy to overcook them. Jake was a great help with all the cooking. It's lovely to see him so at ease in the kitchen. And he insisted on bringing the wine. There's lots of leftovers to be eaten cold. All the ingredients for Jake's favourite sandwich; cold turkey, cold sausage cake, lettuce and mayonnaise. Although I can't imagine being hungry enough to eat anything else today. I expect Bob will be up to it though; I've never seen a man eat so much! I hope the baby doesn't inherit his figure!

I wonder if Jake has thought about children? But I expect he has enough of them at school. I bet he's a really good teacher; I always thought he would end up doing something like that. He was always so kind to the other little kids when he was at primary school, explaining things to them, playing with them and making sure they weren't left out of the big kids' games. He was such a sweet little boy -- when he started school his hair was white blond, long and naturally in ringlets! He was quite often mistaken for a girl by people who didn't know him -- but at school they just knew that he was Jake with the long hair. He was such a one for reading; he always had a book with him. There he'd be -- sat on the floor in Debenhams reading his book while Sandra and I shopped for clothes!

I wasn't really surprised when he told me that he was moving in with Leo and that Leo was his boyfriend. He asked me if I was upset or angry but I'm just glad he's got someone to love him. I've often wondered whether he was gay; they do say a mother knows these things. Certainly he never really took to any of the girls he went out with. Sandra seemed a bit surprised though and poor Bob will take a while to get used to the idea. He's pretty typical of people round here -- not terribly open-minded or tolerant. Jake and Bob don't really know each other either, which doesn't help. Jake was away at college when he and Sandra started going out. He was at their wedding though . . . he must have been doing his training then I think. He came home for the weekend. Of course -- he gave Sandra away! Must have been odd for him; doing what his dad was meant to do, and so soon after he'd died. Poor Ross, he was so looking forward to giving our little girl away. But that fell to Jake in the end; giving his sister away to a bloke he'd never met before. I wonder how he felt about that. He didn't say much at the time and I thought he was just letting his sister have the limelight; but looking back I think he must have been sorting things out in his head, getting used to things.

It worries me that he went through a hard time; not having his dad to talk to. And us all being busy with the wedding and Ross's death. Strange how innocuous things return to haunt you. I've just remembered some bank colleague's words at the funeral. He kissed me and Sandra on the cheek and shook hands with Jake, catching hold of his arm also and said something like "Looks like you'll have to be the man of the family now, Jake." I thought at the time it was a particularly fatuous thing to say and noticed how stricken Jake looked at this remark. I was a bit surprised at Jake's reaction, but thought no more about it. It's just the sort stupid remark that can have an effect I would think though, if you were trying to make sense of your feelings. He does seem to have come through it all fine. He looks tanned and healthy and so happy. He had a photo of Leo in his wallet that he showed us. He's certainly a very good looking young man. Jake seems to be more self-confident and at ease with himself; something I realise now, that he's not really been before.

Where's my coffee? I'll just have a nip of brandy in it, and sit here whilst Jake and Sandra do the washing up. Bob's taken the baby out in the pram to try to settle it. I could tell that he didn't quite feel right about it; but Sandra put her foot down and he was given no choice. Whilst it's quiet in here I might just close my eyes for five minutes.

Sandra

Mum certainly knows how to cook a Christmas dinner. Everything was so good. It was nice of Jake to lend a hand as well. I suppose next year I might have to cook dinner -- and invite her over. The baby will be that much older then so I'll have no excuse. Bob's mum's got his sisters to fuss over her -- so she'll be alright. I wonder if Jake will come home for Christmas next year -- I expect he'll want to be with Leo. I'm glad Jake's found someone -- I didn't like to think of him living in a big city all by himself. Wait until I tell Dulcie he's actually gay. We discussed the possibility for ages after my wedding -- but he didn't seem gay -- so we put the whole 'Adam' episode down to his being drunk.

Dulcie has been my best friend since primary school and so, quite naturally,was the Matron of Honour at my wedding. Bob's Best Man was already married, so Dulcie was paired off with Jake, much to her delight. Jake had to give me away as poor dad had not lived long enough, dying about three months earlier. He'd made some notes for his 'Father of the Bride' speech, which Jake completed and read at the reception. Poor Jake - the whole wedding was a trial for him, especially reading the speech -- his voice cracked a few times. Dad had been determined though that the wedding should go ahead whatever happened to him, so had made preparations. So Jake gave me away and did all the things that dad should have done.

Dulcie had always liked Jake, and saw this as her last opportunity, and hatched a plan with her brother, Adam, who was a waiter at the hotel where we were holding the reception. He had arranged for her to have use one of the vacant hotel staff bedrooms. Every time I saw Dulcie that evening she was draped all over an increasingly drunken Jake and the last time I saw them they were slow dancing, pressed very close together, and Dulcie winked at me over his shoulder. Poor boy - he was like a lamb to the slaughter -- once Dulcie sets her heart on something she's very determined. But I didn't find out though what had actually happened that night until after our honeymoon. I was so excited to see Dulcie; Bob didn't mind -- he thought it was 'women's stuff' to do with the honeymoon; whereas I really wanted to know whether Dulcie had had her wicked way with my poor defenceless brother.

She told me that she'd had no problem in persuading him to go up to the bedroom - so Dulcie had been looking forward to her night of passion. But Jake seemed to change his mind once they'd started kissing and they spent some time just talking, while Dulcie was thinking what to do next. Then her brother Adam came in, on some pretext or other, brandishing a bottle of pink champagne. He opened it, offered it round and joined their conversation, the three of them sat on the bed. Jake seemed to perk up somewhat at Adam's arrival. Adam was only 17, a good four years younger than Jake, but tall and blond, whereas Dulcie took after their dad, and was short and squat. Adam and Jake were talking 'geek' stuff and poor Dulcie was beginning to feel edged out. She was furiously dropping hints to Adam for him to go away, but to no avail. A sudden lull in their intense Dungeons and Dragons conversation was caused by Adam's hand on Jake's leg and then they were kissing. Poor Dulcie was gobsmacked -- I would so have loved to have been there to see the look on her face! And by this time it was too late for her back up plan - one of Bob's cousins.

It turned out that Adam had only agreed to let Dulcie use the room because Adam also had his sights set on Jake. He'd had his suspicions and decided to put them to the test. There was no escape for Jake -- with both the Chilcott siblings after him. Dulcie begged and pleaded with Adam to tell her how far he and Jake went. But he was the soul of discretion -- which I rather admired him for -- although I too was curious about him and my brother.

I see Adam sometimes in town. He's so obviously gay; very effeminate and camp, so unlike how Jake is. He's still working at the same hotel; but he's looking to move to Bristol, somewhere bigger. I don't know why he just doesn't go the whole hog and move to London -- but he says it would be too big. There aren't any gay clubs in town and he goes up to Bristol for the night life anyway so he's getting to know people up there. Sometimes I wish we could move away, but Bob's family are still all here and my mum is; and now with the baby to think of, it looks like we'll be stuck here.

Washing up with Jake, like we used to do as kids. This time I'm washing and he's drying; we used to argue for ages whose turn it was to wash. Jake was always so methodical about washing up, he took so long and I would be wanting to be off. I wonder if my kids will be like us two: we use to argue a lot, but not seriously, just bickering really. We didn't really have much to do with each other at school -- Jake being three years older. He always had his nose in a book on the bus home and quite often I was the one who made sure he wasn't picked on. I was always surrounded by a big group of mates, whereas Jake was usually off by him self somewhere. So different.

I met Bob while I was still at school -- just before my A levels -- so there were quite a few disagreements with mum and dad about me going out when they thought I should have been revising. I decided not to try for university, there wasn't anything I really wanted to study anyway. I'd met Bob and didn't want to leave home. I got a job working in the local cinema. I loved it -- it's a traditional old-fashioned cinema -- where usherettes still show you to a seat, and sell ice-cream halfway through the film. I'd always loved films and now I could watch them all day and be paid for it. There are two screens, so there were two films to watch each week.