Love is a Banquet

'Why does everyone leave me?' I am surprised to hear myself ask. He pulls back away from me, his eyes shining with love and lust.

'I not leave you now Leo.'

I wake up and straightaway I have that dread feeling in the pit of my stomach I used to have when it was exam time and I'm puzzled momentarily, then I remember it's Marco beside me and my stomach turns over. The sun is shining through the curtains where I didn't close them properly in my haste last night. Marco is snoring gently, facing away from me. I wish it was Jake beside me - I so need his strong arms around me right now. Jake is a good man, a strong man. Not weak like me. Why did he leave me here with Marco? Marco's weak like me. He broke my heart because his family didn't like who he was. Why didn't he stand up to them? Now he's married and accepted responsibility for a child -- although he hasn't. Once again he's run away. Now he wants to be with me, but I don't want to be with him. When things got too difficult he'd leave again -- I know he would. But Jake left me. Not really. He was strong enough to know I would choose him. But how can I have been so monumentally stupid? Will he forgive me? Do I deserve to be forgiven? Maybe not, but I cannot contemplate a future without Jake.

I push Marco rather roughly on the shoulder and he stirs, turning over and smiling at me sleepily.

'You have to go.' I sound harsh and unkind and he looks hurt and confused.

'But what about last night, Leo?' his accent just sounds foreign, not sexy at all.

'That was just sex, Marco. Sex, not love. Not this time. I'm sorry.' Despite my resolve I feel tears coming and see the same mirrored in his face. I am genuinely sorry for Marco -- his life is in a real mess, but I am not the answer to his problems. I tell Marco that he must decide who he wants to be, who he is. It's not fair on his wife, or himself. And I must set things right with Jake. I feel sick when I think of telling Jake what I've done; I'm so afraid of what he's going to think of me. I love him; there never was any question of that. Even though I slept with Marco, I love Jake. My love for him remains undiminished. It took me long enough to realise that I could love someone.

I've never felt any attraction whatsoever to girls, but I know how to be charming and flirt with them. And I was pretty popular at uni, always having money for beer and the best weed. I don't know if anyone really thought I was gay -- I certainly didn't. I pushed any thoughts about what I was doing out of my head. I had sex with straight guys, so I must be be straight too. I just wanted sex basically, and drugs and alcohol -- if life was just one long party then I didn't have to stop and think. Maybe I occasionally thought that I could be with someone special; but then Uncle Robert was left all alone, and Marco left me. So maybe I didn't think it was right; an option for me. I would just carry on partying -- I was happy doing that, after all, I was having the time of my life wasn't I?? Thank God for Patrick. He was the first person who told me it was ok to be gay. Darragh's always been a good brother to me -- but we've never really talked about my sexuality, my lifestyle.

I half raise my hand in farewell from the doorstep and watch as Marco's face, pale through the taxi window, gets more and more blurry, through both tears and distance. I retrieve my phone from the bedside table, my stomach in knots and I think I might be sick.

'Leo?' I can't tell anything from his voice.

'Jake, come home. Marco's gone.' I try and keep my voice even. 'I need to talk to you.' Jake says nothing and the seconds tick by. Then simply;

'You bastard!' and the phone goes dead. I hear traces of his West Country accent; the long 'a' and the exaggerated 'r', which makes my heart race. He's been living up here for ten years, but when he's upset or excited I can still hear the soft burr, which I find so endearing -- even when he's berating me.

I'm standing with my mobile to my ear, listening to nothing, when I realise I can't breathe. My heart is pounding in my chest and I can't breathe. I try to draw breath in but it's as if my body's forgotten how to breathe. I feel my legs buckle underneath me and my knees hit the floor hard. I feel sick and dizzy and still can't breathe. Everything is going out of focus and I close my eyes just as the room disappears from sight anyway. I feel myself folding up, falling, and am aware of a sharp pain in my cheek, but it's not enough to pull me out of my journey into nothingness.

Jake

His voice had sounded so far away and so plaintive. I've ended the call but still have the phone to my ear, hearing only the blood thumping in my ears. Unbidden, an image of Leo is conjured up to torment me. Walking along in the Tuscan heat, talking earnestly with Patrick, nearly as tall as he, but nowhere near the bulk. His hair is wild and curly because of the damp sea air and as he walks along I see him put his hand up inside his T shirt, to scratch his chest. His T shirt rises, revealing his flat, tanned stomach and the line of dark hairs that start at his navel and disappear downwards. This image is so strong and so real, making me shudder violently and the phone clatters loudly as it hits the tiled floor. Robyn rushes in and fusses round me like a mother hen and I'm sitting on her sofa with a cup of tea in my hand. It's in a cup and saucer, decorated with a blue and white garland pattern. How long since I've held a cup and saucer in my hand?

'Jake?' she asks gently.

I am jolted out of my reverie and tell her that they slept together. Like I thought they would, but hoped they wouldn't. And that Marco's gone and that I'm so angry.

'Why did he sleep with Marco?' I ask the redundant question out loud -- asking myself more than Robyn.

'It will have had more to do with lust than love you know. I'm sure Leo still loves you.' she takes my tea from me as my hands are shaking so much it's spilling all in the saucer. She puts it down on a little table, which is dominated by a huge vase of lilies and roses that scent the whole room. Their perfume is really thick and cloying, making me feel sick. Robyn continues, patting my hand; 'The cards say you're meant to be together. Every reading I've ever done says so.'

'I don't understand, Robyn. How could he betray me? How he could hurt me so much, if he really loves me?'

'He probably doesn't think of it like that. Something similar happened to me once, you know.'

'You know how I feel then?' I'm looking to her for understanding, help in dealing with the devastation I feel in my soul.

'Not quite,' she swallows loudly, then continues, in the smallest voice I've ever heard Robyn use, ' I cheated on my husband.'

I don't know what to say to this revelation, so I pick up my tea and drink some. Robyn takes my silence as assent to carry on.

'I was very much in love with my husband and had been married about a year, when I ran into an old flame. I'd been so much in love with him and I hadn't really ever got over him. He had broken my heart and seeing him again stirred everything up again. I should have remembered the way he'd treated me and gone straight home; but I didn't. We went to a hotel bar and had a couple of drinks together, and he was so charming. He made me feel just like I was the only one in the world that he cared about -- he had that way with him -- that ability to make you feel special. And I fell for it, all over again, and one thing led to another and we had sex. As soon as it was done I regretted it. I was still lying next to him, in a lumpy bed, in that run down hotel room, wondering why the hell I'd done it: when he got out his wallet and showed me photos of his wife and kids. That miserable bastard! Just in case I thought it was anything more than a one night stand. I didn't see him again -- I didn't want to. It was done, finished with.

I felt so guilty; I still loved my husband and couldn't keep anything from him. I couldn't deceive him twice; first infidelity and then lying. But he was so angry when I told him, he really scared me, I'd never seen him so outraged. He was immediately so cold towards me -- it was as if his love for me had been switched off. He left me there and then and that was it for our relationship and that was it as far as love was concerned for me. I was abandoned, with only my guilty conscience to keep me company.'

The room seems oppressively silent and I'm stunned at her disclosure. I cannot think of a single word to say. I'd always assumed that Robyn had just never found the right man: she seemed so complete without anyone in her life that I'd never imagined a broken heart. We both sit and drink our cups of tea in silence for a while.

'I would give anything to take back that evening', she says softly. 'One night of recklessness and I ruined everything that I had. My husband didn't even let me explain anything; he wasn't interested in hearing anything I had to say. Please listen to Leo. Don't just shut him out of your life forever. Everyone should be allowed one mistake, and the chance to say sorry. Even if you can't bear to be with him -- at least hear him out -- then make your decision.' She puts her cup and saucer down on the table rather clumsily, causing some rose petals to fall from the bouquet. I watch them as they fall and land in the saucer and on the table.

Her face was so pale and she obviously felt the hurt as if it had happened yesterday -- not decades ago. Could I really be responsible for making Leo feel pain for that long? Maybe I'll still feel like this as well -- then we'll both be heartbroken forever. What a mess. How could he love me and yet make me suffer so much?

Leo

'I would not take you back -- no way -- not after you slept with someone else. That would be the end of the relationship -- no question about it at all.' Darragh throws his book down with a thud on the coffee table and starts pacing up and down. He's shouting at me, as if he's the one I've cheated on. Darragh and Jen are the only ones I can talk to, apart from Jake, and this is not what I want to hear.

Talking to Jake had been as bad as I thought it would be. And I didn't get a chance to explain properly: he knew. Coming to and finding myself covered in blood scared me; but once I'd cleaned up the cut on my cheek I jumped in the car and drove straight down here, like I've done so many times before, when I've needed help and reassurance. It was freezing in the car; the heater's not working properly, so by the time I arrived here I was feeling totally wretched and miserable.

Sitting on their sofa in the familiar living room; next to the villa it's the place I've felt safest in. Jen brings in a tray with tea things on it and pours out a cup for each of us. The tray is one with a picture of horses on it and I look at the way the horses are all galloping along, free, no riders on their backs. Just a wide open grassy hillside and the clear blue sky and the wind blowing in their manes, their hooves off the ground completely as they race about. I wonder if they're running away from something/someone or towards. Horses don't really give much away with their facial expressions.

'I've always been there for you Leo.' Darragh's scolding voice brings me back to reality. 'You've made some terrible choices in the past, but I've always been there to pick up the pieces and tell you that everything will be alright. This time I won't lie to you and tell that everything will work out fine. You are an adult now and have to start taking responsibility for your actions. You make bad decisions and you must suffer the consequences. Betraying someone who loves you is the most immoral thing you can do. You've done the worst thing imaginable to . . .' here Darragh's voice falters, 'the person you love,' he continues unsteadily. I feel an anger rising in me, and my voice, in contrast, is strong and unwavering as I tell him;

'Jake. He does have a name, Darragh. The "person" I love is called Jake.' I am a bit surprised at my vehemence; but somehow everything in my head is all clicking into place. And even if I'm terrified that my behaviour has meant I've lost him: I've never been so sure of anything before in my life -- I love Jake like I'll love no-one else.

'I don't know what you want me to do Leo. What did you expect? I don't really understand you anymore. It was easier when you were younger; but now I'm utterly lost.' Not quite what I'd expected to hear from Darragh. If I'm honest I don't really expect him to do anything practical. Just be here for me. Comfort me? Support me? I certainly don't need a lecture.

I gulp my tea noisily. I'm trying so hard not to cry that swallowing is difficult. Jen sits down next to me, smelling of lily of the valley soap. She pats my leg, and says quietly;

'All this has been really hard for him you know.'

No. I didn't know. I didn't know it was hard for my own brother to accept who I am. Dumbfounded, a cold dread creeps through me, my world is beginning to fall apart. I thought he would always be here for me. I know I've never really confided in him, but he's never really asked me any direct questions either. I've always been able to rely upon Darragh in the past and I feel as I'm being cast adrift, as he realises that I am not going to change. Maybe he thought his influence would win out and I'd end up like him. Perhaps this is how it's always been for Uncle Robert; his feelings for our family.

I couldn't bear to think of Uncle Robert being all alone. It had always been him and Martin -- one single entity. My parents never mentioned Martin though, it was if they didn't see him. My father, Robert's own brother, was no use whatsoever when Martin died: I don't think he ever really acknowledged their relationship. How awful to be treated like that. Is that the kind of future Jake and I can look forward to? If we have a future that is.

'Could you really not forgive Jen if she slept with someone else?' I ask Darragh. He sits down heavily next to her on the sofa, with a loud sigh.

'We're not talking about Jen here, Leo. I know that she is the one for me -- but if she was unfaithful then I'd know that she wasn't the one. But she is the one. But couples have different kinds of relationships. Some of your people have open relationships don't they?'

That sounds crazy and it bounces around in my head. My people? I feel myself getting angry with Darragh for being so wrong about Jake and I; but know he's trying to make sense of what I've done. Him and me both. So I keep my voice steady and even as I reply.

'Jake and I don't have that kind of relationship. We're like you and Jen; we are in love and don't need anyone else.' I hear what I'm saying; what a hypocrite I sound. Neither Darragh nor Jen comment on this -- for which I'm grateful.

'What will you do now, Leo?' asks Jen, stroking my shoulder. Putting my mug down on the tray next to Darragh's battered paperback, I turn and hug her.

'Go home and wait,' I say resignedly.

Chapter Seven Spinach and Ricotta Cannelloni

Jake

It's a labour of love: spinach and ricotta cannelloni. And I used fresh pasta. Two sauces made from scratch: the spinach and ricotta mixture. I spent about two hours cooking the special meal for our one year anniversary. A whole year since our first date.

I'm in the shower and I've left Leo in bed. As I soap myself I can't help but think of the sex we've just had, replaying it in my head. I come out of the shower and send Leo for his turn. He wanders about the room languorously, still naked and sweaty, tempting and sexy. I concentrate on drying myself thoroughly and Leo goes off to the shower with a sigh and a resigned look. I'm sitting on the bed deciding what shoes to wear when Leo comes out of the shower, all wet and sweet smelling. He rubs himself dry with a huge fluffy towel and sits down beside me. I love the back of his neck, usually it's covered by his thick black hair, but when he's been in the shower and his hair is wet and slightly curly, the nape is revealed, crying out to be kissed. So I oblige. He pushes me away gently, remonstrating,

'You said the meal would be ready soon and I'm not dressed yet.'

'Everything's under control in the kitchen. I'll go down now and pour us both a drink,' I say, slipping on my chosen shoes.

'You can't wear those shoes with those trousers -- wear those brown ones.'

I change my shoes with a smile, ruffling his wet hair as I go.

Downstairs, I pour out two glasses of Robyn's home-made Heartsease Cordial, as an aperitif, and check the table with the place settings that I so admired. I sat here watching Leo as he cooked for me. I devoured him along with the spaghetti. I sit here now, sipping my drink, waiting for Leo to come downstairs and I am transported back to the time when our relationship was cemented for real, forever:

He made love to me slowly and gently, belying his need. He stroked my face, my forehead and cheek, running a fingertip along the top of my ear, making me shudder. I tried to remain passive, trying not to let him see how affected I was by his touch, but I couldn't. He looked into my eyes and I couldn't hide the longing I felt and a low moan escaped from the back of my throat. He ran his fingers along my jaw and down over my throat to my chest. He followed the same path with his tongue, then I could feel his gentle kisses on my throat. He kissed me slowly and languorously at first, then I felt him increasing the pressure, his kisses becoming more forceful, his teeth grazing my tender flesh, biting me gently but firmly.

'Fuck me, Jake,' he asked quietly, his lips against my ear, vibrations reverberating throughout my body. He moved, as if to turn over, but I needed to see his face this time: so I pushed him down gently on his back. I stroked his face and gently kissed the recent cut on his cheek, but he grabbed both my shoulders hard and I saw the urgency in his eyes. He pulled me into him and wrapped his legs around my back. I kept my eyes fixed on his the whole time, needing to connect with him absolutely. He did not speak aloud, but silently mouthed;

'I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,' over and over. His tears ran down onto the pillow and I realised that I was crying too as tears landed on his face. As we both came together his head shook from side to side as if the whole experience was too much to bear.

I had tried to play it cool when I first got back, perhaps to punish him. I was still upset and angry and wanted to hit him, to batter him with my fists: to make him hurt like I was hurting. But I didn't really want to hurt him -- I love him. So I contented myself with being impassive - punishing him by not showing any feelings at all. But I was incapable of that just as I was incapable of violence towards him.

The kitchen had been tidied: the dishes and glasses all washed and put away -- no trace of our dismal evening. The washing machine was churning back and forth. I carried my bag into the bedroom and saw the bed freshly made. A lump came to my throat as I could see how Leo had thoughtfully tried to erase all physical traces of Marco. I could see him hovering in the doorway shuffling from foot to foot like a small boy who doesn't know quite what is happening. I dropped the bag and held out my arms to him.

We lay in each others' arms, physically and emotionally exhausted, together once again. I felt as if we'd passed some awful test; one that made our relationship stronger, whilst almost destroying it. I felt angry, but I knew that I'd feel it less and less each day from then on. Leo had made his decision and there should be no doubts in his mind now, no 'what-ifs'. I made my decision too. His chest rose and fell comfortingly as I rested my hand there.

I feel complete when I'm with Leo; like it says in the cards -- we are meant to be together. We're on the verge of something wonderful. He's the first person to find the real me -- if such an entity exists. I'm not teacher, brother or son -- I'm just Jake -- lover, partner, confidant. When I'm with him I feel a strength that I've never felt before. I feel I could do anything. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before -- I want to possess him -- make him part of me. Separated from him I feel insignificant, incomplete -- half a person struggling against the tide. Together we can face anything. Apart nothing.