Loving Lydia

I gently pull her back against me and place my wet fingers against her lips. "Suck." I instruct.

Her warm tongue wraps around each finger, sucking the juices from each one. I can tell she's getting excited again by the movement in her hips and the color on her cheeks. She momentarily closes her eyes and moans against my fingers. When she's finished, I pull her into me and kiss her deeply. As fiercely as I've wanted to since this trip started. She eagerly kisses me back and sighs when I release her.

I help her fix the top of her dress and kiss the top of her head when we finish.

We realize Jerry stopped moving and started eating some grass sometime earlier. Lydia kicks her heels and moves him at a set pace. After about ten minutes I see a small cottage coming up. It is dark and there is no smoke coming from the chimney. It's surrounded by a torn down log fence and dead plants.

I help her down and we leave Jerry tied to the sturdier side of the fence. I follow her inside as she grabs a match to start turning on some candles. It is stuffy, smells like there might be some mold.

"What is this place?" I look around and see some furniture covered by white sheets.

"My husband won it during a bet. It is very run down and I honestly thought about selling it away. But," She turns to look at me. "I think you should live here. At no charge, of course. As long as you continue to help me around the house." Her tone is a bit breathless.

Two things hit me at one. One, she mentioned her husband. Something that she has rarely done. Of course, she is a married woman after all. I don't know how that could have escaped me. Especially when she did not once think about him while I had my fingers inside of her. Or who knows? Maybe she did and I did not catch on, like the idiot that I am. Maybe she was thinking about him the whole time. And the other thing I notice is she actually expects me to live here. To move to this secluded little house away from everyone, on my own, while she goes back to her happy wife, happy life bullshit. If her husband comes back tomorrow, does she really think I can just live here to see them continue in their blissful marriage?

But then there is another overwhelmingly annoying thought that pops into my head. This is kind of perfect. The location. The house itself. There is so much that I can do with this. Once I fix it up it could be a safe house. For many. For all. No one would know what was going on unless they knew this house existed. And even those who do know about it, know it is worth nothing and not worth looking into. I wouldn't have any visitors because I haven't made any friends. I would be alone. Just like how I should be.

"I have to think about it." I look away and pretend to notice the fireplace for the first time.

"Where else would you go?" She's getting snippy.

"I don't know." I move away and walk out. "But I think anywhere else in the world would suffice."

She slams the door behind her. "Why would you want to go anywhere else?"

"Maybe because I don't want to watch your husband come back and fuck your brains out while I live in a piece of shit land away from everyone else." I snap back at her.

She glowers at me. I hate where my mind goes but I can't stop it from picturing me on my knees licking her until those furrowed brows melt away from her forehead. She would easily come on my tongue. I know it. I blow out the candles.

"So, do you want it or not?" She is stomping back to Jerry.

"I'll think about it." I help her up even when she tries to push me away.

I walk next to her guiding them back. We're both in silence, each battling a personal demon that is threatening the future path of the other. I can't believe I am actually considering this. But, of course I can. It will be an actual life saver. Something that can save many lives.

Well fuck.

******

The next morning I'm halfway done painting the porch when I hear the front door open.

Lydia walks out, ready to go to school. She looks like she's had about as much sleep as I did, which is practically nothing. She uses her gloved hand to shade her eyes from the sun and look up at me. I stand on the ladder looking down and waiting for her to say something.

"I'll see you for supper. There's some fruit on the table for you." Her eyes are soft but her tone is cold.

I nod and go back to painting. It takes a lot in me not to watch her walk down the street.

Instead, I continue painting and only stop to rest when my arms start to burn.

By the time I finish painting the last of the porch, the sun is setting and Lydia is already inside cooking. I stand back and stare at my progress. The white porch mocks me. I'm building her and her husband a nice little lover's cove. He'll reap all of the rewards when he gets back. Meanwhile, I will go back to being on my own, with my chosen family, but completely alone where it matters.

******

The letter in my pocket is close to burning a hole.

The sun shines down my back, there are no signs of clouds in the sky. The dirt under my feet feels extra dry today. The snakes and lizards are hiding under rocks and houses, trying to keep cool. I'm sure I'll get a house call later asking me to get rid of an unwanted critter. For now, though, I need to focus on this letter.

Anyone watching me walk back from the post office would assume I have ants in my pants from my walk. I make it all the way to my thinking rock before settling down and opening it. My eyes automatically look down at the bottom for the signature, it's Tom. Everyone is laying low, there has been some small progress but they need funds. I grind my teeth but continue reading. Timmy and Cindy have had to leave town. There have been some rumors surrounding them and they need to steer clear for now. Shit, who started the rumors? How serious is it?

My mind jumps back to the secluded cottage. I shake my head but resign after reading the last sentence.

"What's wrong?"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" I jump up and clutch the letter to my chest. "What's with you and sneaking up on me?"

Jody hides her smile and sits across from me. "I tried saying hi but you looked upset." She's wearing her gray dress and dirt brown boots. Probably just got out of school. That means Lydia is probably home.

I stuff the letter in my back pocket and stare out into the distance. It takes a moment for my heart to settle down. I don't even want to think about it but I know what I have to do. Unfortunately, it means I have to continue my stay here a lot longer than intended. But the benefit outweighs any trepidation I may have. Now, what to do about the funds?

"I think I see some steam coming out of your ears." Jody snickers. She can tell I'm not in a talkative mood but wants to keep me company.

"Just thinking about life and what not." I pluck a dried weed from the ground.

She nods but continues to stare at me. Her skin is rosier today, probably from being out in the sun. "So, who was the letter from?"

"An old friend." My eyes are guarded.

"Bad news?" She shifts on the floor.

"You could say that." Considering I need to get my shit together and start pulling my weight. I should have been saving more money, I should have been heading back, what the hell am I still going here?

"Are you and Miss Lydia fighting?" She crosses her arms. I guess this is her way of being firm.

I want to laugh but shake my head instead.

"You can be honest with me. I've noticed a difference since you came into the picture. I also notice when she's more upset than usual." She looks less certain.

"She seemed upset today?" That doesn't make me feel good. I'm also slightly impressed by how much Jody notices. She's still very green for her age. But if there is one thing she understands, it's probably being a woman and dealing with them. I'm sure she's seen her mom get into her moods every now and then.

She nods. "And yesterday."

"We had a small disagreement." I watch her reaction.

"Are you leaving soon? You still have to come back and show us how to plant something useful. The girls have been asking about you." I need to remind her never to play any card game under any circumstance, she has no poker face.

"I don't think I'm leaving anytime soon." My tone is resigned.

She smiles. "Good. Does that mean you'll finally come over for dinner?"

"Why not?" I get up and dust my pants off. I help her get up and we walk back to Lydia's place. "I need to drop off a letter but I can be over before sun down."

"Make sure to bring Miss Lydia." She gives me a hug and walks down the street to her own place.

******

Dinner is an interesting affair.

Jody's mom, Bev, is a sweet woman. Jody is a spitting image of her not just in looks but in personality. While I haven't been blatantly excluded from their small little town, I have also not been taken in with open arms exactly. People are used to me walking around in men's clothing and fixing things around their houses but I'm invited to tea or out for a stroll. A big part of it could be because I still refuse to go to church but I am fine with that. Just sitting here, across from Lydia, makes it hard to look away from her. The candle lighting compliments her hair. Anytime we make eye contact there is a light blush on her cheeks. If there was a God up there and I went to church, I'm sure he would strike me down as soon as I looked at her. It always ends with me imagining having her in my bed somehow.

We talk about school, the weather, and by dessert I can tell there is something else Bev wants to talk about but hasn't figured out how to bring it up. I look at Jody who avoids eye contact. Lydia has been discreet most of dinner but we have been cordial towards each other. No need to quarrel like lovers in front of the neighbors.

"So, Kit," Bev gets up and clears my plate. Lydia gets up to grab the silverware and Jody asks if I want a refill, I decline. Once Bev sits down, she interlocks her fingers under her chin. "I wanted to know if you could help me plant some crops on our unused land out back."

"It's a bit late to start planting. And it would be a big project, lots of costs." I sit up, going over logistics in my head. The money would be good, if they could afford it.

She nods. "I know, I'm taking out a small loan with Joseph. He thinks it's a good idea and is charging a small interest rate."

I would rather not have to have him involved in any of this but who am I to tell her how to conduct business? She has no husband in the west, no other source of income really. This could be a good investment.

"It would be time consuming too." I rub my neck.

"Which means you would have to stay long enough to make sure it all goes right." Jody smiles excitedly.

Bev moves slightly and Jody jumps up and rubs her shin under the table.

"The sooner we get started the better." Bev reaches her hand out to shake my hand. "I trust your pricing. Do we have a deal?"

I look over at Lydia who gives me a cryptic look.

I take Bev hand in mine and nod. "I'll be here tomorrow morning.

They walk us out to the door and wave as we walk down the road.

"What was that about?" I look over at Lydia.

She shrugs and keeps looking forward. "What do you mean?"

I wait until we walk in through the front door of her house before cutting her off and staring down into her guarded eyes. "What are you hiding?"

Her gaze makes its way from my chin to my eyes. They briefly linger on my lips. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"What did you do, Lydia?" We may only know each other for a few months but I've gotten to know her as well as myself. I know there is something she's not telling me.

Her lids lower and she gets up on the balls of her feet. She kisses me gently. I stand motionless, unsure of what is going on. She timidly deepens the kiss and it is enough to distract me from any further inquiries. My arms wrap around her round hips and sneak my tongue into her warm mouth. Our kiss is long but never long enough for me. She pulls back and lowers to her normal height.

"Promise you won't get upset?" Her plump lips are a shade darker and her cheeks are glowing. Her dark blue dress brings out the sparkle in her eyes.

I nod and keep my hands around her.

"Beverly has been wanting to do this for a while. She just needed a nudge." Her arms wrap around my neck and I lean down to kiss her again. She indulges me with a few more kisses and pulls back again. Her cheeks are a deep rose now.

"Why would I be mad?" My mind is only half working now. At this point I just want to keep her in my arms for as long as I can.

"I know you need the money. I know you won't ask for handouts." She turns her head to the side. "Plus it guarantees you stay a little longer."

"So, you interfered." It takes me a moment to realize why I would be upset. She doesn't need to worry about me and how I will make money. She doesn't need to give her friend ideas to help me out. Especially when it involves Joseph. She must have talked to him to help out with the loan. The anger goes as quickly as it comes. At this point I'm more accepting and just trying to think of the next conversation.

I let go of her waist and sigh.

She drops her arms and her brows pull together.

"I don't need your help, Lydia." I take a seat and wait until she sits next to me. "But I can't do anything about that now. Just promise you won't do it again."

She crosses her arms. "Why can't I help you out?"

"Because you don't need to worry about me. You need to worry about the husband that will come back one day." I frown.

She slams her hands against the table and lets out a frustrated groan.

My eyes widen in surprise. Not quite what I expected.

"Can you stop acting like a jealous lover?" She yells at me.

"How can you say that?" I decide to yell back. Not like we have any neighbors nearby to worry about. "Do you not feel sick to your stomach sleeping in the same bed that you have shared with your husband every night? Do you think about me when you're sleeping there knowing your husband will come back one day and demand his rights?"

She stands and pushes against my chest. "Stop talking!"

"What? Are you realizing that you'll eventually have to go back to the dull life you used to live? I will ultimately leave. I sure as Hell don't intend to stay and watch you play house when he comes back." Deep down I mean it. Whether I decide to build up the cottage and use it as a halfway house for runaway slaves, I know that as soon as her husband comes back into her life, I cannot stay and watch her live her life as if I never existed. Even if it kills me to walk away from her, I will. And then someone else can take over the cottage. It won't be me.

She rushes to her room, stomping the whole way but she doesn't slam the door. Instead, I hear her open and close a drawer. She comes back and slams a letter in front of me.

"Read it." She orders.

I take the letter in my hand and begin to read. It's from her husband. He mentions the gold, the living conditions, and eventually his new family. I reread that part and then look back up at the date. He sent this months ago. Before she ever met me. This is his last letter to her. He's not coming back. He never intended to come back.

I lower the letter and watch as she paces near the kitchen.

"He gave me enough to hold me over for a month or two and then I never heard back." Her tone isn't bitter. Maybe hurt. "So no, I don't have a husband that I need to worry about coming back."

Shit. This changes things. A lot of things.

She comes back and sits across from me. "Say something."

"I'm sorry." I say after a moment.

She motions the apology away with her hand. "I don't need your pity. I read the letter, cried, and then got over it."

I think back to the nights when I heard her cry in her room. Those make more sense now. I wish I could track him down and make him regret ever leaving her. Yet, it is because of his actions that I have been able to get close to her. I hate that I'm letting myself go there but I'm seeing a future with her in it. It is like a faraway dream that can go up in smoke if I ever actually reach it.

"Please say something." She's getting angry again.

"I was going to ask if I could still have the cottage tonight. Before all of this happened." I rub my fingers against my lips thinking about her sweet kisses. Sweet enough to give me a heartache and keep me going back for more.

"You don't need to live there anymore. There's no point now that you know the truth." She takes the letter and places it on her lap.

"When were you planning on telling me?" I ask, slightly annoyed.

"Not tonight." She snaps back. "We were supposed to have a nice night. I wanted to tell you when the moment was right. But you always make me forget myself. I jumped the gun." She's pouting.

I bite my lip to hide my smile and lean back against my chair. "I still need the cottage. We can build it up and then maybe sell it in the future for a lot more than you can get now."

"Does that mean you're staying?" She's still pouting.

I frown. Although I would like nothing more than to stay here and grow old with Lydia, I know I need to continue with my initial mission. I need to continue helping the cause, helping as many of those as I can. Until then I can't think about settling down and forgetting my past. Plus, there are still those who have to pay for what they did to me.

"For now." I already sent a letter to Tom letting him know he can send Timmy and Cindy my way. They'll have somewhere to stay for now and then we'll have time to plan and continue fulfilling our mission. It's only a matter of time before we have to go back and finish what we started. I'll be ready to meet those who left me for dead.

"If I'm being completely honest, it's best to leave things between us as they are. I will eventually go back home. You don't want to be associated with me." Maybe she can begin preparing for what will inevitably come.

"I can take care of myself." She lifts her chin.

"I know." In reality she has been taking care of herself. Imagining her staying here alone to continue to do that feels wrong. But I can't ask her to leave this behind for the unknown. She's better off here. The less she gets attached the better it'll be for the both of us.

I stand and lean over to brush her cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow."

******

I spend most of my time helping Bev and Jody with their land as well as fixing up the cottage the following weeks.

Aside from the burning looks I would secretly give Lydia whenever we were in the same room, we mostly kept to ourselves throughout the day. No need to tempt the Devil. We had supper together and even went shopping for groceries twice. Joseph was not happy to have me interrupt their monthly ritual but I could see the relief on Lydia's face when she didn't have to be alone with him. It made being in the small carriage with them bearable.

Any free time I had would be spent doing something productive. Anything really to keep me away from her for as long as I could. Once or twice, I caved in and sought her out before bed. But just for a kiss. Just kissing. She was more than happy to oblige but I didn't allow it to go any further. I always wanted more kisses, more touching, any attention she would give me but knew it wasn't fair to her. She seemed to be okay with just kissing. It was hard not to want to reward her when she spent her free time in the cottage helping me out however she could.

I wanted to kiss her the most then.

I went back to her classroom two more times to help the girls with their plants and then to teach them how to paint. I personally could not draw a straight line but it was satisfying to give them small sets of paper, paint brushes, and paint. I became very popular then and they have asked me to go back since. With the amount of work I had picked up. It was hard to schedule that in but I promised I would go back. Lydia did not interfere when I said I would buy them other supplies. She understood from the first time that when I said I would buy something, it was because I wanted to.