Luisa's Journey Pt. 03

Dear Trevor-

(Too formal.)

Hi, Trevor-

(Too casual.)

Trevor, I have something to tell you.

(Straightforward, good.)

It's a secret I've been keeping, not because I don't want you to know trust you but because it might end our friendship change things. The secret is that I'm not actually gay. I thought I was for awhile but it turns out I'm something worse else.

(Too long-winded.)

Luisa scribbled over the draft. She was currently sitting at her aunt's breakfast table using a spare notebook to air out her thoughts.

It's a secret I've been keeping, not because I don't trust you but because I'm worried it'll change things. The secret is I feel like I want to be I'm a girl. Not biologically, but on the inside. And although I appreciate our friendship and you as a person immensely, I'm not the same old Tony. Now that I think about it, I don't think he even existed in the first place.

(That's even more long-winded!)

Luisa whipped out her phone. In the Notes app, she had drafts upon drafts of the same letter. Frustrated, her pen rolled off the table and onto the floor as she began typing.

Trevor, I have something to tell you. It's a secret I've been keeping, not because I don't trust you but because it'll change things. The truth is that if I want to be who I am, I have to sacrifice a whole lot, and I don't want one of those things to be you. The secret is that I'm a girl. Not biologically, of course, but on the inside where it matters. My parents won't accept that, and if my best friend can't either, I need to find out and get it over with. It's okay if you want some space to think about it and adjust, but I'd like to be called Luisa instead of Tony since I'm going to transition.

Luisa sniffled, a teardrop falling onto her screen. This was going to be long-winded no matter what. Tired, she copied and pasted it into Messages, her heart hammering against her ribs.

Send it! Do it!!! she thought. Her thumb trembled above the button. Once it sent, she immediately turned it off and slid it across the table, face down.

Behind her, she heard the familiar sound of a microwave door. It was only her second day at her aunt's, but she and her brothers had come for visits her entire life. "Want some tea?" she asked.

"Sure," she sighed. About a minute later, it beeped, and Carmen came in with a mug in hand. "Do you want milk or honey?"

"Black is fine."

Her aunt went back to the kitchen, soon returning with her own mug. She sat across from Luisa, watching her face carefully. "You know I spoke with your father last night," she said.

Damn it. "And how'd that go?"

"I can't speak for your mother, but he's not as close-minded as you may think," she said, slowly. "I sent him some resources- nothing much, just a few websites- but I'm hoping it helps."

Luisa gulped. "Do you have clients who are, er, trans?"

Luisa's aunt smiled and nodded. "Yup. They're all FtM at the moment, but I've had MtFs in the past. It's one of the things I specialize in." She blew on her tea. "You know I can't be your therapist because it's a conflict of interest, but I have a great friend who I think you'd like. Her name's Erica."

"I don't need therapy," she blurted out.

"You have to if you want to medically transition, I'm afraid."

"Oh."

"I have a couple questions, but I don't want to overwhelm you."

"Shoot," she said, and blew on her own tea. She loved the feeling of the cup beneath her palms- especially with the weather being what it was.

"How long have you known?"

"I found the word for it in high school, but didn't know it was what I truly wanted for a little while. For being absolutely sure, I'd say about two years?"

"Hmmm. And does anyone know?"

Luisa flushed. "Well, I just told my best friend." She laughed nervously. "So, like... That's now a thing."

"You mean Trevor?"

She twisted her lips and nodded.

"I remember him. He grew like crazy, huh?"

Another nervous laugh. "Yeah, he's a pretty big guy..."

"You know, it might take some time for people to digest it. But I know Trevor's family- his mom is a sweetheart. Especially since he took you coming out for the first time so well, I'm sure he'll come around."

Luisa nodded, suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to check her phone. "Do you mind if I go upstairs and lay down for a bit? I didn't sleep great last night...."

"Oh! Of course," she said. "And feel free to let me know if it's too hot. I know I have the tendency to crank the heat up."

"The temp is fine. And uh, we can talk more later I just...." She picked up her phone. "I need to have a certain conversation."

Her aunt nodded, understandingly. "If you need to get your mind off it after, we could watch a movie."

Luisa grinned shakily. "That, that sounds good," she stuttered.

Once she got upstairs, she turned her phone back on. She set it down on the room's bookshelf and paced, wringing her hands and thinking. When it buzzed, she was by the door. With a great amount of caution, she slowly approached the device, her heart racing inside her chest.

Call me?

~~~

Trevor felt nauseous, a sea of thoughts chaotically astir in his brain. In a way, this solved a problem and replaced it with a new, more complicated one.

"Er, hi," he she said.

"Hey," he said. "So, you wanna be a girl?"

Silence on the other side of the line. "Hello?

"Yes, I'm here. And yeah, but I think- no, I know I've always been one. It's just about... presenting myself as one and being assertive about it. So, like... what do you think? Are you mad?"

He laughed. "Dude, why would I be mad?" A pause. "I call girls dude, too, by the way."

She giggled. "Yeah, I know you do."

Trevor looked down at his hand splint. "So, why Luisa? My guess would be you'd go for Antonia or somethin'."

"It just feels right," she said. "I experimented with some other names, too, but I like Luisa best."

"Well, Luisa," he said, "I'm probably going to mess up at some point so please don't take it personal. I'll try my best, though.... And I really wanna see you. I know you don't drive, so maybe I could pick you up...?"

"But you're all the way at college."

Again, he looked at his hand. "I came home for the weekend. That's why I asked you to hang yesterday."

"Oh! Duh, obviously you're in town. Let me just ask my aunt if she minds. I doubt she'll care, she's really chill and has been super supportive."

"Sounds good."

What if she thinks it's a fetish? he wondered.

She won't. She's being honest with me and I'll be honest back.

He heard the muffled sound of a door closing. "She says it's fine. You wanted to meet up today...?"

"If that's alright."

"That's awesome, actually. I'll send you the address, okay?"

This is it. Shit's finally gonna happen.

"Yeah, Ton-Luise. I'll pick you up, we can talk and then watch the worst horror movie you've ever seen."

"Yes," she said, sounding excited. "Okay, later!" Once she hung up, he fell backwards onto his bed with a groan. Maybe he should wait...?

No- if she can say that big of a secret, so can I.