LW's: Satisfaction Guaranteed

LW’s: Satisfaction Guaranteed

This is something a bit different from most of my previous offerings...

As always, many thanks to those who offered comments and constructive criticism on my previous stories. Please refer to my profile for more on my personal policy regarding comments, feedback, follows, etc. And please remember, this is a work of fiction, not a docu-drama...

Lenny Burton sat on his couch, tears falling on the papers that declared the official end of his marriage. He never wanted a divorce, but his ex-wife filed against him anyway after announcing that she was leaving him for someone with more money and a bigger dick.

He remembered that day like it was yesterday. He had been working 10 -- 12 hours days finishing a project for his boss that, if successful, would seal a major deal earning the company nearly $500 million. That would mean a huge raise for him as well as a nice bonus.

The project completed, he drove home with high hopes and a desire to make love to Jeannie, his wife of three years. When he pulled into his driveway, though, he saw a strange car in the driveway. He had a bad feeling about it, but thought it might just be one of her friends from work who sometimes came over to visit.

But when he walked in the house, his hopes were dashed. There, on the couch, was Jeannie, and she was holding hands with a man. Not just any man, but her supervisor, Rudy James. Rudy looked at him with a smirk on his face that said, “I just fucked your wife.” Two suitcases and an overnight bag sat on the floor next to the couch.

Jeannie, wearing an extremely short skirt and a pair of CFM pumps, looked at Lenny with sad eyes.

“I’m sorry, Len,” she said. “But Rudy and I are leaving.”

“What do you mean, leaving?” Lenny asked.

“Um, well, actually, I’m leaving you for Rudy,” she said. “I’m sorry, but he’s richer and bigger than you are and I just, well, kinda fell in love with him. So I’m leaving you because I refuse to cheat on you behind your back anymore.”

“WHAT?” Lenny yelled. “How long have the two of you been fucking?”

“I don’t know,” Jeannie said. “Maybe a couple months. You’ve been so busy working lately that I thought you didn’t love me anymore. So Rudy took me out and we’ve been doing it about three times a week.”

“Three times a week?” Lenny asked, shocked. “Hell, you haven’t even been with me that many times in the last month. You fucking bitch.”

“Hey, watch your language,” Rudy said, puffing out his chest. Lenny was beyond pissed and went into his office. Unlocking his gun cabinet, he grabbed a shotgun and checked to make sure it was unloaded. He wanted to scare the two cheaters, not kill them. He walked back into the living room and pointed the barrel at Rudy’s face. Both of them looked shocked.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” Lenny said. “Before I splatter your brains all over the wall. You want the cheating bitch, you can have her. But you won’t disrespect me in my house. Now, GET OUT!!” Rudy got off the couch, scared, and looked at Jeannie.

“I’ll see you at the condo,” he said. “Are you going to be okay?” Jeannie nodded her head.

“GET OUT, ASSHOLE!” Lenny yelled. Rudy ran out of the house and slammed the door. Lenny waited until he heard Rudy driving away before addressing his soon-to-be ex-wife. “As for you, bitch,” he said. “You realize I’ve been working extra hours for us. I thought we were going to start a family. That’s what I was working for. And this is how you repay me? Fuck you!”

“Lenny, I’m sorry,” she cried. “I really didn’t want to hurt you. Please don’t kill me.”

“Bullshit, bitch,” Lenny said. He put the gun down. “Besides, it’s kinda hard to kill someone with an empty gun,” he said. He grabbed her hand and pulled her rings off. As she watched, he grabbed her purse and pulled out her wallet. He took her ATM card, the joint credit card with her name and her house key. He tossed the purse back to her, taking note of the wad of cash in her wallet. Taking his ring off, he threw it at her. “Now, get out.”

“Lenny, what are you doing?” she asked.

“You want out, now go. Leave. And I never want to see your cheating, lying ass ever again,” he said. She slowly got off the couch and picked up her purse.

“Will you at least help me with my luggage?” she asked.

“You have a lot of fucking nerve, bitch,” he said. “Not no, but fuck no. Get your shit and get the fuck out.” Jeannie picked up her luggage and struggled as she went to the garage door. Lenny went to her car and grabbed the garage door opener after he pressed the button to open it. She loaded her bags, got in her car and left. He closed the door after watching her drive away.

Lenny went to his computer and logged into his bank account. He noticed that she had already taken half of everything. The bitch! He paid off the joint credit card and closed it out, then moved everything but $5 into another account he already had set up in his name only. Thank God for Internet banking.

A few minutes later, he heard a knock on the door. He opened it to find a man in a jacket with a manila envelope.

“Are you Lenny Burton?” the man asked.

“Yes, what do you want?” Lenny asked in response. The man handed him the envelope.

“You’ve been served,” he said before leaving. Lenny opened the envelope and looked inside to find a set of divorce papers. Apparently, Jeannie had already set things in motion. He read the papers, learning that she had filed under “Mental Cruelty” and had asked for 85 percent of the joint assets, along with a hefty amount of alimony.

“Fuck her,” he thought. He began looking for an attorney and, seeing that it was too late in the day to contact anyone, made a list of potential lawyers to represent him. Shocked, angry and hurt, he sat back on the couch and cried.

He couldn’t believe this was happening to him. He thought he had found his soul mate in Jeannie. He thought things were okay between them and she gave no indication there was a problem. Thing was, she wasn’t the first to do this to him. He thought back over his life. He had dated several girls in high school, and had fallen in love with a couple girls in college. All of them, however, ended up ripping his heart out by dumping him for some other guy.

After college, he met and dated another girl and had even bought a ring, preparing to pop the question. The day before he asked her, though, he spotted her embracing another guy. He confronted her and was told she had fallen in love with the guy.

It took several months but he finally met Jeannie, and began dating her. Six months later, he asked her to marry him and she said yes. But even that had now turned to shit.

In the “old” days, he could turn to his cousin, Randi, who always seemed to lift his spirits, telling him that not all women were cheating sluts and there were plenty more fish in the sea. She always made him feel better, but she wasn’t in the area any more, having left after her own nasty divorce from a cheating, abusive bastard of a husband.

So he did the next best thing -- he got drunk. He didn’t care, since he didn’t have to go to work the next day.

When he woke up, he did his morning routine, then began calling attorneys. It took a while and he ended up going through four lawyers, but he finally found one who wasn’t a man-hating bitch looking only for billable hours.

After months of haggling and threats, his lawyer finally got Jeannie to drop the mental cruelty and go for irreconcilable differences. He also got her to accept what she had already taken from their bank account and drop her demand for alimony, since she made as much as he did and she was living with her rich lover.

This was possible because the private investigator they hired got clear photos and videos of her screwing her lover in various places. She folded like a cheap lawn chair after being confronted with graphic evidence of her own infidelity and a warning that the pictures and video could easily end up being sent to her family and friends and possibly end up on the Internet.

He had thought about getting revenge against the asshole she was fucking, but he figured having to live with Jeannie would be revenge enough.

So now it was over. He should have been happy, but he wasn’t. Instead, he felt empty. He was sad, lonely, depressed and worse, horny. Then he got a call from Randi.

“Hey, cuz,” he said when he answered the call. “What’s up?”

“I’m in town and just wondered if we could get together,” she said.

“Yeah, sure,” Lenny said. “You want to come over and get drunk with me or what?”

“Well, if you’re intent on getting drunk, I’ll come on over,” she said. “What would Jeannie think?”

“I don’t give a fuck what Jeannie thinks anymore,” he said. “She divorced me anyway.”

“Oh no,” Randi said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. What happened?”

“Just the usual,” he said. “I came home from work and found her with her lover. She just announced that she was leaving with him and then had me served with divorce papers.”

“Oh my God,” she said. “That sucks.”

“Yeah,” Lenny said. “Divorce just became final.”

“Well, then, I’ll be right over,” she said. A half hour later, the doorbell rang. Lenny opened the door to see the smiling face of his cousin, Randi. He hugged her and invited her inside. He couldn’t help but look as she strode in wearing a thin t-shirt with no bra and a pair of tight ripped denim short-shorts. If she wasn’t his cousin, he would have made a move on her himself.

He grabbed them each a beer and they settled in his front room to catch up. The two of them were more than just cousins -- they were the closest of friends. They had always shared their innermost secrets and had frequently comforted each other after suffering through a breakup.

“So, what happened to you after your divorce?” Lenny asked after telling her his tale of woe.

“Well, I met and married the man of my dreams,” she said, showing him her rings.

“Wow,” Lenny said. “Congratulations. Where did you meet Mr. Right?”

“That’s a long story,” she said. “Maybe they can help you out.”

“Okay,” Lenny said. “What, is it some kind of dating service?”

“No,” she said. “I really can’t explain it, and I had to sign a confidentiality agreement so I can’t tell you exactly what it is. But I do know they’re very picky about who they work with. And they guarantee that you’ll be satisfied. I know I certainly am satisfied. How about if I call them and see what they say. Maybe they’ll take you on.”

“Sure, that would be good,” Lenny said. “How much do they cost? I mean, this has to be pretty expensive.”

“That’s all part of the confidentiality agreement,” Randi said. “But I think you’d find it more than reasonable. I sure did.”

“Okay,” he said. “I trust you. By the way, how long are you going to be in town?”

“Oh, just a couple days,” she said. “I’m here to do some work for my company, but I can spend the rest of my time here with you if you want. Think you can handle it?”

“Sure,” he said. “You know you’re always welcome here. And it’s a lot cheaper than a hotel room.” She smiled.

“Good,” she said. “I’ll stay here and keep you company, then.”

“So tell me about this new man of yours,” Lenny said.

“Well, he reminds me a lot of you,” she said.

“Oh really?” Lenny asked.

“Yeah,” Randi said. “He’s a tech guy, like you, and he has your sense of humor.”

“Do you have a picture of this guy?” Lenny asked.

“Of course,” she said, pulling out her phone. She used her fingers to navigate to her photo folder and pulled up a picture of her with her new man. She looked at the picture, then back at her cousin. “Oh my God,” she said. “I never really noticed this before. Look at this.” She held up the picture so Lenny could see. He was shocked. The man in the picture looked very much like him, only with somewhat different hair.

“Wow,” Lenny said.

“You don’t have a twin brother or something I don’t know about, do you?” she asked.

“No, I’m an only child,” Lenny said. “You know that.”

“That’s strange,” she said, shaking her head.

“Well, you’re happy with him, right?” Lenny asked. She smiled.

“Of course,” she said. “Happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” Lenny shrugged his shoulders.

“Well then,” he said. “I’m happy that you’re happy. Enjoy it.” She smiled.

“I will,” she said. “Now, pull out your cards so I can beat your ass at spades.” He smiled and pulled out a deck of cards. They played cards and reminisced well into the night, all talk of her new husband on the back burner.

Randi finished her business and left two days later, hugging her cousin before she left.

“Remember, watch your phone and be sure to answer any calls from ‘LW’s’. And remember, if they leave a message, call back as soon as you can,” she said before she left.

“Okay, thanks,” Lenny said. He watched as she drove off and walked back to his empty house. He couldn’t believe how much he missed his cousin. He thought about her the rest of the day and felt more alone than he had since his cheating wife left.

It was a Friday at lunch when Lenny got a call on his cell phone. Looking at the screen, he saw the call came from “LW’s.” He remembered what Randi said and answered the call.

“Hello,” he said.

“Is this Lenny Burton?” a man asked.

“Yes,” Lenny said. “And who is this?”

“Lenny, my name is Larry Wilder,” the man said. “I spoke to your cousin a couple days ago and was wondering if you would be free sometime soon.”

“Of course,” Lenny said. “When would you like to meet?”

“How about today?” Larry said. “Say, about 5:30 pm?” Larry gave Lenny an address at an office building not far from where he worked.

“Sure,” Lenny said. “I get off at 5:00 so I can easily be there at 5:30.”

“Good,” Larry said. “I look forward to meeting you.” The call ended, Lenny spent the rest of the day watching the clock. At 5:00, sharp, he clocked out and headed to the address Larry had given him.

He pulled up to the office building and went to a door simply marked, “LW’s.” He opened the door and a pretty blonde receptionist smiled and ushered him into a small conference room.

“Mr. Wilder will be with you shortly,” she said. Lenny thanked her and sat down at one of the two chairs in the room. A minute or so later, the door opened and a somewhat older man wearing a white medical smock entered. He smiled as he extended his hand to Lenny, who stood when the door opened.

“Mr. Burton,” he said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. Please, sit down. Let me explain what it is we do here. I know you’ve talked to your cousin. She’s the one who referred you to us, and I must admit, I’m surprised at how much you resemble her new husband.”

“I am too,” Lenny said. “Do you have any idea why?”

“Well, maybe it’ll become clearer by the time we’re done,” Larry said. “You might think that we’re just another company that matches people up like a dating site. In fact, we’re much more than that. We guarantee to put you with your perfect match.”

“What do you mean?” Lenny asked.

“Are you familiar with the Bible story of Adam and Eve?” Larry asked.

“Kinda,” Lenny said. “From what I remember, they ran around naked in the Garden of Eden until she ate an apple, and then God kicked them out.”

“Well, there’s quite a bit more to it than that, and it wasn’t an apple, but you got part of it right,” Larry said. “Do you remember how Eve came about?” Lenny shook his head. His parents had taken him to Sunday School when he was much younger, but he hadn’t been to church for years.

“No, I don’t,” Lenny said, confused.

“That’s alright,” Larry said. “A lot of people don’t remember that part of the story. According to the account, God wasn’t happy to see Adam by himself, with no one to share the garden, so he put Adam to sleep and removed a rib. Afterward, God closed up the wound and formed Eve from the rib. He brought Eve to Adam, who, the story claims, said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.’ Because of this, the story says, men leave their parents and unite with a woman to become as one.

“It’s true that Eve was tempted and she in turn tempted her husband. They were kicked out of the garden, but they remained together for the rest of their lives, which was a very long time,” Larry said.

“So what does this have to do with me?” Lenny asked.

“Good question, and I’m glad you asked,” Larry said. “Simply put, Eve was, for lack of a better explanation, formed from Adam’s DNA. There’s much more to it than that, but we don’t have the time to get into all the science behind it. What we do here is something similar. No, we’re not going to remove a rib or anything like that -- there’s no need. But, we will use your own genetic information to match you with a mate that is, well, perfect. At least for you.”

“You can do that?” Lenny asked. The man smiled.

“Oh yes,” he said. “And I guarantee that you will be more than satisfied with the result.”

“So, how much does all this cost and when can we get started?” Lenny asked.

“Well,” Larry said, “we don’t bill you and we don’t want any money. We have all that we need, but we do ask that when the time comes, you refer someone to us. And we will require you to sign a comprehensive agreement that outlines the terms. As for when, well, we can begin right now if you wish. We’ve already done the preliminary background and have determined that you’re a prime candidate for our services and we know that you have well over 150 days of accrued sick leave, so you can take the necessary time off. We don’t do this for just anyone, you know.”

“How much time would I have to take?” Lenny asked. “I didn’t know I would need to be off work.”

“That’s okay,” Larry said. “We prefer that our clients take a full week off to make sure everything goes smoothly. Some of our clients sometimes need that time to recover and adjust. Since you’re fairly young and in good shape, it shouldn’t be a problem. We’ve already gotten approval for you to take the time off, but if you don’t want to finish the procedure, just say the word and we can release you from any obligation.”

“You’ve already gotten the approval?” Lenny asked.

“Yes,” Larry said. “Your boss, John Smith, said he’s been concerned about you lately. Your performance has slipped a bit and you’ve seemed off, distracted a bit. He knows you’ve been under a lot of stress with your divorce, and he expressed hope that we can help. If you like, I can call him and let him tell you himself.”

“Please do,” Lenny said.

“That’s reasonable,” Larry said, dialing the number on his phone. Lenny could hear his boss answer after a couple rings. “Mr. Smith, hello, this is Larry Wilder. I’m consulting with Lenny Burton now and he’d like to verify that you’ve approved his time off.” Lenny could hear his boss say something, then Larry handed him the phone.

“John, hi, this is Lenny,” he said.

“Lenny, look, I should have told you earlier, I’m sorry,” John said. “Look, I know what you’ve been going through and Mr. Wilder tells me he can help you out. So I approved the time off for you. You’re a good employee and I hate losing you for any length of time, but I’m willing to see you take some time off if it’ll help. You get yourself taken care of, okay?”

“Okay, boss, thanks,” Lenny said. “I’ll see you in a week or so.”

“I’ll see you then,” John said. “Bye.” Lenny looked at Larry.

“Well, let’s get started,” he said. Larry smiled.

“Good,” he said. “Let’s get you checked in and we’ll begin.” Larry took Lenny to the front office where he was checked in and handed a nondisclosure form to read and sign. After getting the paperwork sorted out, he was taken to another room, where he undressed and donned a hospital gown.